I currently suffer massive anxiety over how my newly discovered transness and my possible wish to transition is going to affect my marriage to my cis, straight husband.
Are there any FtMs out there who managed to navigate their transition without losing their husband? How did you do it? What were/are the issues you dealt with?
I think one of our biggest issues will probably be the fact that my husband does not communicate his feelings. Ever. He also doesn't asks questions about such things. I want to involve him in the process of figuring out where this journey will take him and me, but it seems as if he doesn't want an active role in this. He twice said something to the effect that I have to figure out what I want first before he can make up his mind whether he could live with this or not. I don't think it's going to work like that.
I'm also so hurt about the fact that apparently my gender is so important that he cannot separate this from the person underneath :( How did you get past this, if you did?
There are several FTMs on here with straight husbands. I know that there was a thread recently on it. I went back 12 pages, but couldn't find it. Maybe someone else will know the title or you can do a search. Hopefully, some guys will jump in here with their experience.
Hi! I am only in the beginning stages of transition, with my straight husband of 3 years. He describes himself as straight, though I always felt he was more like 90 percent straight, but that's really neither here or there. I can honestly say, you wont make it through with out an abundance of open, honest, and sometimes uncomfortable conversation. If he wont talk to you, you may want to find a therapist who is well versed in this and not transphobic. I know me and my husband are stronger because of going through this hand in hand!
If he truly is straight, then he can't help what he's physically attracted to, i.e. women. I'm speaking from the POV of someone with a very firmly defined sexual orientation myself, i.e. gay. I'm ONLY attracted to men. I actually dated a guy who wanted to transition and I broke it off, though we remained friends, because my orientation is very distinctly homosexual. If it wasn't, I would just live my life dating women because it would have been so much easier. I think you have to decide what you are going to do as far as transition based on the idea that it may not include him as your husband any more. So that means deciding how important transition is to you. If it's important to your emotional well-being, then you may decide to move forward with or without him as your husband. It's not fair to judge him for choosing to leave the relationship when the dynamics of the relationship have changed so dramatically from what he entered into. Some people are bisexual or pansexual but many more people have a specific sexual orientation and we need to respect that even if we don't personally completely understand it. That doesn't mean the relationship won't continue as before but it remains a distinct possibility that must be considered seriously.
I hope I said that tactfully enough. I feel like it needs to be said however unpleasant. And I wish you everything positive as you work through it.
There are some who are allegedly straight. I think that perhaps some of them find that their orientation is more fluid than they might have thought. I think there is more fluidity in sexual orientation (and gender but we aren't talking about that one) than people often think. But completely straight as an arrow, and always will be straight, not going to happen. You're going to get hairy and smell differently and so forth, and completely straight guys aren't going to want that one. (But then again, you wouldn't know which you had.)
--Jay
I have been in the same relationship with a straight guy for 11 years, with random interruptions where we still lived together as I was figuring out what was going on with myself as a person. He rejected the idea of staying together completely at first. I never in a million years would have thought he would do the 180 turn he did with my transition.
Here is my advice. Be very, very patient. Go slow. And be forgiving if he doesn't come around right away. I had trouble with that last part, but got some good advice and was able to get over it, as my partner was the most transphobic jerk possible when I first came out to him.
Be willing to make compromises. For example, I shave every few days when I could have some real facial hair, as he requested some time to get used to it.
One final thing to consider: the other people in his life, how they react and how much he cares what they think will matter a lot. Also, his own self confidence and sense of self will matter. When you are with someone and you transition, they take on a bit of the social rejection and outright social disgust from some people that we experience ourselves. It takes a lot of strength to get through this as a person.
Is he gay now because he respects my boundaries and does not treat me female in any way? He jokes and says he is now partially gay. Honestly, I think all of this is further evidence that labels and boxes really just make things more complicated.
You have to remember there will be other hurdles. For example, he started a new job. Does he call me my new male name when people ask him about his life? Then they will think he is really truly 100% gay, which means that it is my identity that is defining his identity, which really isn't fair to him. I actually feel really bad about this part, but he has been great about it, and says he does not care at all what they think.
Sometimes it feels disjointed, like we are unfamiliar with each other in weird ways, but it is still natural and we love each other more than ever.
I'm going through a similar process with my partner.
He is trying to stick by me and talk things through with me about the whole process. We've talked about names I might choose, and the things that I feel are non-binary in my identity and the things that I feel are male.
He'd probably be pretty grossed out by kissing me if I grew a full beard. There might be a concession to make, there.
He says, "once you are in love with someone, that doesn't go away just because their gender isn't what you thought it was."
Sexual attraction might go away, or ability to feel completely 100% in a relationship...
We've talked about various solutions including compromise, polyamory, and couples counseling.
He worries about homophobic hate crimes.
As you can see there's a lot of back and forth. Huge emphasis on communication. I was ready to break up with him just so he wouldn't have to deal with this but it was so much easier to come out and talk to him about it. I was surprised how easy it was. There were hurdles where he didn't understand ("but you weren't a guy when we met 5 years ago? or even 5 months ago? why change?") or said something insensitive ("are you sure?"). But we're working through it as much as possible.
I'd also check in with the MTF side if I were you -- there are a lot who are married with straight (or formerly-straight) wives. Despite a lot of differences in terms of what transition looks like for MTF/FTM, there are a lot of similarities in their experiences with relationships. Many of the women on that side of things have a lot of wisdom to share, both in stories about staying together, and in stories of marriages that have ended.
Thank you for your encouraging and honest words! It gives some perspective to our situation and it gives me hope that maybe we do stand a chance.
We've been together for 14 years and if I'm honest sex isn't one of the pillars of our relationship. That's why I'm still hoping that we'll come around. I have to keep in mind though that sexual orientation plays a big part in how we define our identity and that even though there isn't actually a lot of sex in our relationship, it's something affecting my husband.
The social aspect strikes me as a huge problem, but I'm not sure it's the worst thing for him. He normally doesn't care what others think of him. But all I'm doing is speculate about his feelings and thoughts - because he isn't capable of speaking them. In our first conversation he suggested for us to go see my therapist together. I'm hoping that maybe we can get the ball rolling like this somehow.
Yes, after my initial euphoria I have understood that I need to take things slowly. One thing I'll do quickly is come out to a few more people - friends who also matter in my life and who I believe have a right to know what has been going on with me. I told my husband that and he didn't object, so I'm going ahead with that.
Thank you, again, for sharing your thoughts and stories with me. It helps me immensely!
My one piece of advice is to remember that you've had years to come to terms with who you are. And it probably took a long time to accept yourself. But this is brand new to him. So be patient...give him time to process.
Otherwise, I can't really give much advice on how to stay married to him. I'm MTF and going through this process with my wife...a very different proposition. But I was really encouraged recently when I found a recent study (http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf)that shows that about half of all relationships do survive transition. And 60% of FTM's did stay with their SO through transition. Conventional thinking is that transition is a death sentence for relationships. Apparently it's not true.
Thank you for your comment and the link, katiej :) I had meant to look at that study before, so I'll definitely check it out.
I only just figured out I'm trans for myself, so I have a very small head start. I've been coping with all kinds of mysterious (psychosomatic, I now assume) health problems for a few years and he always stood by me through all of this. I think the cause may have been my repressed gender identity, and he deserved to know that (even though I think he had rather not heard this news :( ).
I've never been married so I can't help. I just hope the best for you and your partner.
I have a friend who has been married for about 15 years before transitioning, and the marriage still goes strong. They have a better sex life now :D The partner doesn't mind being seen as gay, though he needed some time to adjust (at least 1-2 years).
The same is true for another couple who was together for about 3 years before the transition. Both couples are living a places where being gay is not a big deal, and the partners had gay friends before the transition.
I have known three other trans men in a similar situation where their partners had a huge problem and the relationships suffered. I think the factor was always that the partner had a problem with homosexuality in general, or with being seen as gay, or he demanded that his partner should look very feminine. In such cases I don't think there is much hope.
So it really depends on the person.
Quote from: spacerace on September 06, 2014, 03:40:08 PM
Is he gay now because he respects my boundaries and does not treat me female in any way? He jokes and says he is now partially gay. Honestly, I think all of this is further evidence that labels and boxes really just make things more complicated.
Sometimes it feels disjointed, like we are unfamiliar with each other in weird ways, but it is still natural and we love each other more than ever.
I think this is so very relevant! The labels are totally unnecessary if we have the strength to overcome them and not care how other people try to label us.
Also, when love is involved, it makes a massive difference. People show a lot more fluidity than we expect, especially when there are years of accumulated shared lives as well as love.
J
Thank you for your thoughts on this. I appreciate them very much.
Having had another talk with my husband today I really don't see how it could possibly work out. But I guess I'm not giving up just yet.
I am going through a similar situation; however, I'm not married to him yet. We're engaged.
My fiance was always well aware that I was different than the other "girls." I didn't fit into the typical
female spectrum, and that's what set me apart from the others.
When I came out to him as a transgender male not too long ago (officially during the Summer of this year) it still presented
a little shock, despite my masculinity that I already had building up over the years. We've fought
about me being trans a lot, sometimes it seemed like that was going to be the end of us. He
let me know straight up (no pun intended) that he isn't gay and he doesn't want to be married
to a man, doesn't want his kids to have two dads, and doesn't want to introduce me by anything
other than his "lovely wife."
It hurt. It hurt quite a lot. I didn't give up, though... He eventually apologized for being so blunt
about all those things. He said what I want to be, how I want to dress, and how I want our kids
to address me is up to me, not him. I appreciated his change of heart, but lately I've been thinking
that he was just being superficial. Or maybe he just felt guilty for his point of view.
I thought he had a change of heart, but he still feels the same way... and I can't change that. He didn't
fall in love with a man, or at least he didn't fall in love with the man I know I am. And no matter
how many times he gets my pronouns right, and helps me figure out little things about myself, he'll
never fully accept me in his heart as a man.
He detests talking about me going to a gender therapist, or getting on T, or possible surgery. He says he
doesn't want to me to end up hurting myself with all of it and ruining my body. There's one thing he said
to me though that may be the barrier that keeps me from transitioning any further. He said he won't let
me take away the chance of having our own children. If I get on T, I can't predict if that will eliminate my chances
of becoming pregnant in my later life.
He'll always love me, but it won't be the same. It won't ever be the same again. Sometimes I regret coming
out to him, I feel selfish that I'm trying to find happiness in the darkness of my life right now at the expense
of him. I have to stop and think about how everything I say and do regarding me being trans affects him.
I always see it like this: If I fully transition (T, surgery) I'll be happy, but he won't be. If I don't transition, I
won't be happy, but he will be deep down. One of us will win and the other will lose. I hate to see it like that...
We've tried coming up with a compromise, but there was nothing. One of us is just going to have to lose.
Apologies for the story of my life :)
I wish I could give better advice, but I'm pretty much in a bad situation as well. All I can do is pray for us all and hope
a miracle happens, because I have no idea what to do or how to solve this.
Best of wishes.
Mitchell, I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I'm trying to tell myself "one step at a time", but the tiniest steps already seem to cause so much damage, it's very draining. I really hope things will turn out well for you!
I guess I might just as well post an update. After not talking about "it" for weeks after coming out to him, we had a session with a counselor. That didn't go badly, and I was a bit more hopeful just afterwards. But I think my husband is only just beginning to realize what all of this means. We talked about the effects of hormones yesterday. He will not live in a "man-man relationship" were his words. He's also pushing me to talk to my parents.
My emotions are running amok, I'm at that point again where I'm considering "sacrificing" myself for the sake of our relationship. I keep thinking "maybe I can buy us a few more happy years", but I know at the same time that's not going to work.
I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, hopefully he can help me to get my bearings again.
Quote from: adrian on October 13, 2014, 12:42:30 AM
My emotions are running amok, I'm at that point again where I'm considering "sacrificing" myself for the sake of our relationship. I keep thinking "maybe I can buy us a few more happy years", but I know at the same time that's not going to work.
I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, hopefully he can help me to get my bearings again.
Oh, this is so very difficult, I really feel for you. But Adrian, you actually already have the answers, don't you, in the first line I quote from you.
It's terrible when you know that the only way for you to survive is by breaking something you hold dear. You're in your late 30's or early 40s, right? Well, there's a huge amount of living still ahead of you, and you owe it to yourself to pursue the self-realisation that your earlier posts say you need very much.
Take it slowly. Breathe. Regardless of what happens next, you're going to need to be very emotionally strong. If you haven't already done so, I propose that you draw up a plan where you analyse two or three future scenarios in detail (it's a very male thing to do, yeah) so that you can understand very clearly the social, professional and emotional consequences of each scenario.
Hugs!
Julia
Julia, thank you so much! Drawing out the scenarios is a good idea. They are already playing on repeat in my head, but spelling them out (and getting them out of there in the process) is going to be helpful. Maybe this is also something that'll make communication with my husband easier.
Adrian, if I can help in any way, please consider it, right through to taking this offline into private emails.
I went through something very similar with my relationship, where my partner could not consider any change to the status quo. There you are, with an enviable lifestyle, a relationship that's not bad, a comfortable home, and a personal problem that you have to deal with before it drives you crazy. I cared for her deeply, and miss her still, but I could not saccrifice myself in order for her to remain comfortable. There are times when it's no longer possible to have ones' cake and eat it, and that applies to both people in the relationship.
Best regards!
Julia
Mitchell: My husband is just like yours, down to the "but I don't want you to hurt yourself/regret it" bit. In a way it's sad, because I know he's facing the loss of his lovely wife if he doesn't manage to convince me that I'm completely wrong about myself. He says he's losing the person he fell in love with; I told him I'm still right here, and always will be.
He's not even 100% cisgender. I expected him to understand. Instead, he tells me in so many words that he's more trans than I am, yet he still accepts his male body as a part of his identity despite that. I told him everyone is different.
Adrian: I think all of us here are right in that somebody is going to lose something. Either you have to make a sacrifice or he'll have to settle for his loss. It's up to you guys to decide which is the least awful (depending on how bad your dysphoria is, how badly you want to stay together, etc.)
So far, because I'm just starting my transition, my husband and I have come to an agreement that we'll stay together until he can't stand the changes in me. We decided this is best for the sake of our daughter, to stay together for as long as possible. I can't stand the thought of denying who I am any longer, and don't want to remain trapped in a situation in which this is something I'm expected to sacrifice. Certainly many sacrifices are made in marriage, but I'm not willing to make one this huge. So I feel like it's pretty much over between us, and we'll eventually split up, but we still have a few years to spend as a couple.
One other thing for Mitchell: there have been pregnant transmen before, you just have to stop taking testosterone before and during the pregnancy. One of them became famous for it. His name is Thomas Beatie if you want to look up more about him.
Luca-
I've known a couple where both were crossdressers, but when the ftm started to transition, the mtf couldn't deal with it. When you are attracted to women only, and are in a relationship with a woman (or what you perceive to be one), you can't just give that up. Some people can't adjust to being in a relationship with a man, even though they still love the person.
Who we are attracted to is also part of our own identity, so that a transitioning partner has an effect on our own identity too.
I'm into men, I could date a crossdresser, but not a trans woman because being with a woman really affects my self perception in that I feel wrong/not myself in that constellation.
Adrian, sorry I am late to post a reply, but I hope things are working out. I was in a similar situation as your husband is, and just wanted to give some hope that things can be ok if you do decide to transition.
My husband didn't come out to me until long after he had already decided to transition, and after already several sessions with his therapist. When I first met "her", I was attracted to the tomboy appearance, and assertive personality which he had at the time. Over time, going from dating to marriage, his tomboy appearence became more masculine, from his clothing to mannerizims, to haircut. I was still just as attracted, but had no clue what he was going through.
A couple summers ago we were out in public and "she", (how I though of her then)was mistaken for a guy several times. I made a comment to her about it, and that's what lead to her coming out to me.
His mind was already made up about it, so I guess that is where our situationis different. It was made clear to me that I would have to accept it, or at least try.
I was very shocked, but also took the time to research, and eventually went to a therapist. Yes, I admit I didn't want to lose the woman I loved, but realized it was my choice to stay.
I am glad I did! He is still the same person in many ways, we enjoy all of the same things we did before, some new ones too.
I am glad he made his decision on his own, because really it was his choice alone. I hope you do what you feel is right for yourself first and foremost. I think life is too short not to be the person you are. With luck, and lots of communication, I hope your husband can be as open as I was. It's not easy though! Feel free to message me anytime, or your husband as well. My husband has been on T for 1 year and 2 months now, and there are so many things that happen I can advise on. Best wishes to you both
Hey Adrian! Sorry to hear about your troubles, early transition is a stressful time especially when you're involved with someone. I'm not married, but I realized I was trans when I'd been with my straight boyfriend for 3 years. We were both scared and worried at first about what it meant for us. I've been transitioning for over a year now, we are still together and the best we've ever been. We both assumed at first that he would lose his attraction to me as the hormones effects started to take place, but actually the opposite has happened and he seems to like me even more these days. He's never been bi-curious or anything like that in the past, so IDK if that means he's pansexual or what but I'm not complaining.
Transitioning has made communication a lot easier between us, I guess because we are both guys and we're on the same wavelength now I'm on T. It's very cool being buddies, as well as being in a relationship. We've had to re-learn a few behaviors...we can't kiss each other in public anywhere we want, or hold hands if we don't want to get looks.
It seems like the ground has changed somewhat...I'm no longer sure exactly what characterizes a 'relationship' but ours is definitely not the same as it used to be. With my dysphoria, our sex life has come to an impasse and I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but it's not a dealbreaker so far. It's a strange ride. Give it time to see where things go, and try not to freak out in the meantime...I mean, I think any straight guy would falter at the thought of making out with a stubbly face, but when the changes actually come around he might like it more than he thought he would. After all most people are a little bit bi.
And changes don't happen overnight. It's understandable for him to be hesitant, since he's probably picturing the muscular, hairy creature you'll become. But it'll happen slowly enough that he may find himself getting used to things he thought would be a big deal.
Best of luck to you, I really hope things work out!
Jeremy and Zukhlo,
thank you so much for sharing your stories! You give me hope.
We're still doing counseling, but I'm not sure it's really getting us anywhere. I'm learning stuff about myself though, also in the sessions with my therapist. I love my husband, but I'm beginning to accept that I cannot sacrifice myself for him. I have never been "happy" or at peace with myself in my life. I really would like to have the chance to experience some of this before I'm through with this life. My husband is giving me stability and love, but he cannot change how I feel about myself. I hope we will make it, but I'm beginning to accept there is a chance we might not. I'm scared of the consequences... getting a divorce, selling the house, burying this dream we had of a life together... But I also want to have a chance to be "me".
Quote from: Jeremy on January 14, 2015, 07:35:35 PM
Adrian, sorry I am late to post a reply, but I hope things are working out. I was in a similar situation as your husband is, and just wanted to give some hope that things can be ok if you do decide to transition.
My husband didn't come out to me until long after he had already decided to transition, and after already several sessions with his therapist. When I first met "her", I was attracted to the tomboy appearance, and assertive personality which he had at the time. Over time, going from dating to marriage, his tomboy appearence became more masculine, from his clothing to mannerizims, to haircut. I was still just as attracted, but had no clue what he was going through.
A couple summers ago we were out in public and "she", (how I though of her then)was mistaken for a guy several times. I made a comment to her about it, and that's what lead to her coming out to me.
His mind was already made up about it, so I guess that is where our situationis different. It was made clear to me that I would have to accept it, or at least try.
I was very shocked, but also took the time to research, and eventually went to a therapist. Yes, I admit I didn't want to lose the woman I loved, but realized it was my choice to stay.
I am glad I did! He is still the same person in many ways, we enjoy all of the same things we did before, some new ones too.
I am glad he made his decision on his own, because really it was his choice alone. I hope you do what you feel is right for yourself first and foremost. I think life is too short not to be the person you are. With luck, and lots of communication, I hope your husband can be as open as I was. It's not easy though! Feel free to message me anytime, or your husband as well. My husband has been on T for 1 year and 2 months now, and there are so many things that happen I can advise on. Best wishes to you both
Quote from: zukhlo on January 14, 2015, 11:14:24 PM
Hey Adrian! Sorry to hear about your troubles, early transition is a stressful time especially when you're involved with someone. I'm not married, but I realized I was trans when I'd been with my straight boyfriend for 3 years. We were both scared and worried at first about what it meant for us. I've been transitioning for over a year now, we are still together and the best we've ever been. We both assumed at first that he would lose his attraction to me as the hormones effects started to take place, but actually the opposite has happened and he seems to like me even more these days. He's never been bi-curious or anything like that in the past, so IDK if that means he's pansexual or what but I'm not complaining.
Transitioning has made communication a lot easier between us, I guess because we are both guys and we're on the same wavelength now I'm on T. It's very cool being buddies, as well as being in a relationship. We've had to re-learn a few behaviors...we can't kiss each other in public anywhere we want, or hold hands if we don't want to get looks.
It seems like the ground has changed somewhat...I'm no longer sure exactly what characterizes a 'relationship' but ours is definitely not the same as it used to be. With my dysphoria, our sex life has come to an impasse and I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but it's not a dealbreaker so far. It's a strange ride. Give it time to see where things go, and try not to freak out in the meantime...I mean, I think any straight guy would falter at the thought of making out with a stubbly face, but when the changes actually come around he might like it more than he thought he would. After all most people are a little bit bi.
And changes don't happen overnight. It's understandable for him to be hesitant, since he's probably picturing the muscular, hairy creature you'll become. But it'll happen slowly enough that he may find himself getting used to things he thought would be a big deal.
Best of luck to you, I really hope things work out!
I'm really interested to see this thread because I'm in the same situation. My husband is straight, says he does not want to be with a guy. As previous posters have mentioned, I can understand where he's coming from. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this is going to be a very long process, probably stretching out over several years.
My other question is about how to address this with our kid. We have a 8 year old. Can anyone share any experience transitioning in a family with school age children?
Wanderer, I don't have kids, so I can't say anything about this. There are some threads on this topic here and there though -- you're not alone in dealing with this.
So as for me, it looks like the verdict on my marriage is separation. It's not working out and it just never will. My husband told me he will split up with me if/when I decide for HRT. He doesn't want to see what will happen and what the changes will be. It's his right to make this decision and I don't think it was easy for him.
I see how much he suffers and this is the worst bit for me. I feel such overriding guilt towards him and my family, I nearly decided to go ahead and leave this world because I couldn't stand this feeling anymore. So I think this is what I need to work on with my therapist at the moment -- the guilt (this isn't a new sentiment, I've felt guilty all my life). I need to work through this before I can start transitioning.
It sucks, but this is an incredibly common thing. Odd thing is that it's not just in long-term relationships that you'll deal with this-- it will follow you for the rest of your life.
I have a guy friend who's had the hots for me for nearly two decades, ever since we were kids. He was incredibly confused when I started to transition, not because of personality (I've always been a guy to him) but because of the physical aspects.
Sexuality is partly defined by gendered behavior preference (masculine/feminine, etc) and partly by physical sex characteristics. Some people don't really care what characteristics you have, while for others it's kind of hardwired.
I like the male body. I like it to a point that I sincerely could not be intimate with another FtM because I would find it physically unfulfilling (god knows I've tried), even though I could care less if the mind attached is male or female. It sucks, given that it gives me a distinct level of awareness that plenty of other people in the world have the same feelings about me, and nobody is to blame. Sexuality is just something that you're born with.
Your husband probably loves you and it seems to me that he's really been putting in effort to understand and see what he can and can't handle. But in the end, he's hardwired to be attracted to a fully female body.
Being trans is a pain. I hate that we can never 'completely' be male and we sure as hell aren't female. I hate that sexuality often is very rigid, complex and inarguable. But it is what it is, and it's a good idea to accept that and be aware that chances are, you'll come across this in the future when dating and whatnot. Assuming you two part ways, of course.
Adrian, now that I've read your story I feel like I could have written it myself.
When I brought up the topic of my gender questioning to my husband and the hopes that I might transition one day, he lost it. I heard all kinds of angry rebuttals from "This is a phase--you have these phases and this is just another one of them" to "Well, I need to know right now if I'm ever going to have sex again" to "You need to tell your parents, and if you don't I will" to "This is a really big decision and you have to know you're not just playing around here--this will hurt a lot of people."
And now, after that initial conversation, we haven't mentioned it again. Now his reactions have become entirely passive aggressive. Standing at my closet and sighing dramatically at all my button downs and ties. Rolling his eyes when I dress in tie and vest for work or for social events. Scoffing at each new item of "male" clothing I bring into the house. Complaining "didn't you just get a haircut?" whenever I come home with my fade trimmed up. It's a million little hurts, every day.
The wrinkle for me, as I told you elsewhere, is that he's completely financially dependent on me. I'm the only breadwinner. He hasn't held a job since we got married seven years ago because he claims he's "too shy" to work outside of the home. I do all the big stuff around the house, from yardwork, to cleaning the house, to paying the bills, to making sure we have heating oil, to dealing with the neighbors. He does the grocery shopping and cooks, period, end of story. He has told me that if he leaves me because I transition and he has to go live with his mother, he will kill himself. Nice, huh?
I'm wracked with guilt over this. I feel like I'm destroying someone's life. Because without me, he won't have a house, or money, or any kind of support system at all. And he's made it clear that if I transition, he's got to leave. Right now, we sleep in different rooms and as far as intimacy goes, that ceased back in September. I feel like I have a really crappy roommate, nothing more. But he won't leave of his own volition--he wants me to make the first big move here (so he can blame me for ruining his life, most likely. He's very good at assigning blame).
So. Wow. That was rambling.
I guess what I want to say is I know your pain. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy. We've been together for 19 years. Almost two decades. But now...I don't see how our marriage will survive this.
Thanks for everyone for posting to this thread. It helps so much to feel like I'm not the only one going through this.
Hi Adrian & Clever
You know, it's a very hard situation. You find yourself a long way down the road with a significant other, and one day, whether fast or slowly, a bird flies into your brain and tells you that something needs to change. And there goes the relationship you expected to last for ever. It happened to me... I had resigned myself to a certain level of happiness and unhappiness, and that's what life was going to be.
But now, with the perspective of 4 years of being single, I have achieved the self-realisation that was burning away at me for decades. In that sense, as long as you can independently continue to evolve emotionally, financially, socially and physically (a special category for us trans folk) I consider it a journey worth taking.
Yes, there are regrets. The end of a long-term relationship causes a lot of destruction and emotional pain. I'm rueful of the financial losses we incurred when we split, but I still terribly feel the emotional hurt I inflicted on a person whose good points outweighed her bad ones. I still now miss the emotional closeness, but I do balance this with the absolute conviction that I needed to do something fundamental for myself.
There's no way to soften the emotional blow that comes with a separation, but if it comes with a project of self-realisation, you have a goal to focus on. And the pain and guilt do diminish as you build your new existence.
Julia
Hi Clever,
oh my, I can relate to many of the things you wrote. The clothes, the haircuts... Most mornings, he doesn't even communicate in complete sentences with me anymore. I'm lucky if I get a grunted "morning". This part actually makes me very angry. That he can't at least treat me with respect. And I totally understand what you mean about the crappy roommate. It's literally the same here (only that he earns a lot more money than I do). But I can see how the fact that your husband is dependent on you is extra-guilt-inducing. Not to mention the emotional blackmail he uses -- that's a total no-go and a big red flag for me.
To update my situation a little -- yes, I'm still with my husband. The situation hasn't improved, but I'm beginning to free myself from the guilty feelings with the help of my therapist. I have always known, rationally, that what's happening is no one's "fault". And I'm beginning to see it like this: I need to make a choice -- to transition or not (and I'm reaching the point where I am certain that I will transition). But my husband has a choice as well -- I will gladly stay with him. I'm not forcing him to split up. This is his decision. It's possible that he has to take this decision to leave me for the sake of his own happiness. But so do I. So yeah -- we both have a choice, and we both have to be ready to accept the consequences that our choices bring. I'm nearly ready to do so because I think I will be happier living my true gender but being single, than living as the wrong gender but being married. But it took me almost a year to get to this point.
For a few days I was a bit more hopeful because he had opened up a little and actually SPOKE to me. Wow. But it didn't last. Sorry, I'm sounding really bitter, but it's how I feel at the moment.
Julia,
thank you for your comment, as always :). Your words resonate with me, and for me what you write is definitely true. For the first time in a very long time I'm beginning to think that somehow "it's going to be OK". This is a very big step for me. Now all I need is to convince my therapist that he can write me the HRT letter :-P.
Hello Adrian & Clever
Can I ask whether you've done any couples' therapy to try work through the complexities that you and your partner are experiencing? If so, how has that been, and if not, what are the obstacles to doing something in a semi-mediated environment?
Hugs
Julia
Hi Julia,
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful responses, and thanks to Adrian for allowing me to shoehorn myself into his thread.
As for me, my husband has refused couples therapy: "I don't want to talk about stuff over and over. I hate that."
So we are at an impasse there, unfortunately.
Quote from: Julia-Madrid on March 26, 2015, 02:50:45 PM
Hello Adrian & Clever
Can I ask whether you've done any couples' therapy to try work through the complexities that you and your partner are experiencing? If so, how has that been, and if not, what are the obstacles to doing something in a semi-mediated environment?
Hugs
Julia
Hi Julia,
yes, we have tried it, but it didn't work. My husband didn't feel comfortable with it and we stopped. Which is a pity because I had the impression that it helped us communicate at least a bit more. But he doesn't want to go back. I personally think he would benefit from finding a counselor or therapist for himself, but I can only suggest this so many times.
I think both of your husbands could probably benefit from their own personal therapy sessions, from what I've heard so far..."If I have to live with my mother, I'll kill myself" wow! Don't beat yourself up, Clever, he sounds like he has his own personal turmoil to sort out.
My husband and I have been doing couples' therapy too, but we were doing it with the idea that we were divorcing, and trying to discover our faults so that we didn't repeat the same relationship mistakes. Now, he's transfeminine, and we might be staying together, so we have yet to see how this twist in events will alter our counseling sessions.
Honestly, though, I don't really like our counselor. It's a pity, because I've seen so many counselors in my lifetime and none of them have really been sensitive or savvy enough to fully help me. Finding somebody who works well with you AND your partner, that's got to be tough.
FWIW here's my experience, not optimal but not too bad.
My partner and I (we never got married but were domestic partners) had been together for 14 years before I chose to start my transition. He's very firmly straight (he used to protest me cutting my hair short), but also a very open minded person. I had hoped we could stay together, but what has happened over the last year and 9 months has been that our relationship has changed from romantic to platonic but has stayed just as strong. It has been a painful process, especially at first, but he's one of my biggest allies, my adopted brother. While I miss having him as a partner, I value very much that he's still in my life. He has a girlfriend and the three of us hang out. But I have to echo what everyone else says, communication is everything in this. I respect that he identifies as straight and he respects that I identify as male. It's the presentation that matters to his sexuality in his case, he stated that he had no problem with me identifying as male as long as I didn't physically transition. Bleh. To each their own I suppose, at least both of us ended up happy.
Sorry if that's not helping, but at least it's something. I wish you only the very best of good luck.
Quote from: ZanBuck on March 27, 2015, 12:10:02 AM
Sorry if that's not helping, but at least it's something. I wish you only the very best of good luck.
Thank you! I'm glad you were capable of transforming your relationship into something else. For a while I had really hoped this would be something that my husband and I could accomplish, but I really don't think it will happen. He isn't very open-minded, and I'm beginning to think he's downright homophobic.
Luca, I agree -- it's so hard to find a counselor who matches the needs of both partners. I thought our counselor was OK, but I suspect he wasn't "rational" enough for my husband. I would be willing to look for someone else, but he doesn't want to it seems. I suppose it would be easier to find out what my husband wants if he were actually talking to me. Sigh.