I chose whatsinaname as a handle because the name on my license can be orally universal. Of course orally universal could have been a decent handle as well but then when poeple read it on thier screens it might have come across as visually misleading.
Joking, i try to have a good sense of humor.
But i suppose the handle i chose is accurate enough for now until i discover whom exactly i am.
I'm mid to late 30's just a few years into establishing myself finnancially and have steadfastedly intentionally ignored myself for the entirety of my life in favor of trying to be the eldest son among many others. 2nd of ten if i were borg...
Letting go of the past has always been a difficultconcept for me and it has often driven me to ensure that i am always there for a family member should they need me, the thing is i know its not entirely mutual and that terrifies me.
I had a moment as a kid, sometime in kindergarten where i woke up the night after a self inflicted concussion where i had been confused about why i was a boy. Despite being so long ago i actaully remember. It was like i woke up with a clean slate, yet at the same time while i didn't know who i was aware that who i was wasn't it.
I remember not saying anything about not remembering as was promply dressed fed and led onto the bus only to arrive at the school and be grabbed by a teacher and sat into a class room where i spent half the day before being sent out to the busses. But i didn'tknow that i was supposed to get on a bus so i just wandered around aimlessly for a half hour or so untill my teacher stumbled across me in the hall and brought me to the principles office. Where my mother was called and then the vp drove me home. Arriving home i was greeted with a glass of iced tea which apparently had been my favorite drink.
The thing is though during the day things got fuzzier and by the time i got home i had sworn off anything that could be remotelyconsidered girly, so no more iced tea... when i was given my sisters handidowns i'd throw a bit of a fit despite wanting to wear them. Because in my house everything had to be normal. I'm left handed and spent a lot of time with my left tied to my belt to try to make me right handed.
So this concept of always appearing normal has been drilled repeatedly into me and it is difficult to shake because what is normal anyway.
Its just so hard to let go of things especially when they make you misrable and yet you feel obligated to maintain the status quo.
I could go on typing for some time but I'mnot fond of using the tablet keyboard..
Whatsinaname
Welcome to Susan's family
I would suggest if you already do not have one is getting a gender therapist to help you work out some of your gender issues. There is not a one size fits all so you need to work on where you fit.
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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?
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Izzy