Nearly 2 years ago I broke up with my partner of 2 yrs because of an issue he had that required professional help he refused to get. The relationship was otherwise good until that point. I wanted to help him, offered to help him, got him resources for help, but in the end he could not do it and thus we parted ways. On several occasions since (the last being 7 months ago) he wanted to get back together.
Needles to say I was upset after we broke up, and started looking for a new partner. I started to get involved with various hobbies and organizations first to take my mind off of my partner and second to hopefully find someone new. Five months later I found someone who seemed to be a great match. We hit it off, there was mutual flirting, he made comments that made me think we would get together eventually. I have never been the instigator in starting a relationship and while all signs were positive and I could tell he was into me, nothing ever happened. So eventually I took him out for dinner and asked point blank if he would go out with me. He said that feelings were mutual, but because he was the leader of one of the organizations I had joined he felt there might be potential conflict with other members of the group, that let's go slow, see where things lead, etc. Needless to say I was ecstatic. Hard to explain how you know there is mutual chemistry etc.
However 3 days later he said he couldn't do it; he was afraid there would be ripples in the organization. I was crushed, obviously but decided to be adult about it, said I respected that decision, we remained friends, and life went on. Fast forward to nearly a year later. We are still great friends. The chemistry is still there. My feelings for him have not waned. Try as I might to want to find fault with him and hate him (LOL) I can't. And mind you during this time, every single time we've had dinner or got together outside of the organization he would make random comments about dating/relationships/etc then change the subject. I let them all slide; he had made it clear we weren't going to date.
Finally things came to a head last week when he backed out of some plans we had made months ago at the last minute and again blamed potential conflict within the organization. After a long conversation I asked him point blank he would have dated me had I not belonged to the organization. He said maybe.
So, bottom line is pretty much a no go. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is painful, as I'm sure many of you are aware. My dilemma involves moving forward. The organization is one I believe in and support, and whilst part of me wants to take a long break to get some perspective, the other part of me says I should just grow a pair and be an adult and move on, and deal with seeing this person on a regular basis, and to continue being friends.
And the second part of the dilemma: I'm not one to jump back into things with an ex, but the only reason I didn't get back together with him last year (after he told me had been getting professional help for the issue that divided us) was that I had a torch for this second person. And I realize that I could wait years for this second person to leave the organization with no guarantee he'd date me, and likewise I could eventually quit the organization with no guarantee he'd ever date me. And, of course, there is no guarantee the ex would even have me back after all this time, either.
I have an appointment with my therapist to discuss this but would love to hear opinions from the rest of y'all. And, FWIW being trans is not a factor with either scenario with either person. And, all in this scenario are degreed professionals, gainfully employed, and have our collective sh*t together (except me, I guess, because I'm in love with someone I can't have. Sigh...)
Thanks.
Quote from: sneakersjay on September 08, 2014, 10:00:34 AM
The organization is one I believe in and support, and whilst part of me wants to take a long break to get some perspective, the other part of me says I should just grow a pair and be an adult and move on, and deal with seeing this person on a regular basis, and to continue being friends.
This stands out to me. How is it
not adult to recognize when one needs to step back from something to gain necessary perspective for making rational decisions? That requires a certain level of self-awareness.
Not remotely qualified to advise on the rest, so I won't. Hope it resolves in a way you will be happy with.
if you need some distance, just create it. even the strongest adult can be broken by an unrequited love being too close. what will you do if it all gets in the way of your work for the organization? can you see and think clearly if something happens? a break doesn't need to go on infinitely, you can still go back when you've sorted out your feelings and maybe found someone better.
it's up to you if you want to give your ex another chance. the other guy knows you're interested, but does not intend to act on it. there might be someone even better out there.
it's your own choice whether or not to wait, whom to lose, what to gain. i can't give you any advice on that, though i could tell you what i think about the different guys if you tell me a whole lot about them.
there is no guarantee that the guy at the organization won't find someone else while you're still waiting for him to want to date you. could easily happen. chemistry doesn't make a good relationship, there needs to be a little more as well.
Taking a sabbatical is sometimes necessary. If you want to put your all into the organization then you need time to re energize and re focus. You can't give your all when you are troubled by something especially when it involves people in the organization.
I'd just keep on keeping on within the organization, and stop seeing him outside of it. It kind of seems like he's just stringing you along hanging out with you if he brings up dating/romance all the time knowing you'd love to date him. Then again I'm the last person who is good at that sort of thing.. Hasn't been a hint of romance in my life for ... 5 + years?
That, or I might just find another organization to put my time into if it bothered me that much.