First, sorry for posting here with that weird post last time, guess I was afraid and just needed to get my feelings out before I did something stupid.
Anyways, I had a pretty interesting week, I guess... Spent a lot of time thinking since I had the week off from school, and sent a lot of emails to a friend who has been helping me a lot through all this weird gender/sexuality stuff.
I guess I took a big step back and just looked at everything. Yeah, I would love to transition right now and be the gender I am sure I was meant to be, but just with how everything is, it would be a very stupid move of me to come out right now. First being that my parents are technically in control of my life still, since this is my last year of high school, and I plan on going to a college. Then I also realized that it even if m parents accepted me, I still have the fact that my younger brother has very clearly shown that he is homophobic I guess, and a lot of my extended family has stated pretty clearly that they are against all of the LGBT stuff going on right now. And then I also live in a more country town type of thing, and I only know of about 2-4 people who have expressed positive views toward LGBT.
So gender wise for now, I guess I am just going to continue how I have been.
Sexuality side of things, I am pretty certain now that I am Bisexual, but of course the stuff mentioned above is still a problem... Though, since I really am not into the whole dating thing at the moment, I guess it doesn't really matter.
At least for now my family seems pretty accepting that I have decided to grow out my hair beyond shoulder length(which it is at now), and my mom even bought me a hair straightener which I am still very afraid to use. Only problems I have had with longer hair is that a few of my friends and cousins are now telling me I need to get a haircut, I have been called a few names, and I got stuck in a bush. Now just have to hope they will accept that I am going to start wearing my more "gothic" clothing in public :)
Thinking about this now.. this post is pretty pointless, besides me just figuring out my feelings for the first time in a long time.... Felt like I had more to type.. guess not.
Avinia
Posts are rarely pointless. If they help you think through your feelings or your options then all good. Even if you don't reach a conclusion or have an earth shattering insight, I think that it is often useful for others to understand how you are thinking as I suspect that many of us have or will have similar thoughts
Safe travels
Aisla
first time i dyed my hair, it was more like a bleach.
yellow blonde hair and ice blue eyes, just like those russian torpedoes in movies...
freaked my mom out so much that she was happy and relieved when i dyed my hair green a little later.
sometimes it helps with acceptance to do something outrageous just for fun, and then tone it down later.
people will be so happy that you're not doing too much, that they'll overlook the little things like long hair and goth.
other than that, waiting can be the right choice sometimes.
it's easier to wait if you know that the waiting will have and end, and things will happen when you're in a better situation to handle it.
Regrettably we are sometimes compelled by circumstances to keep out true selves under wraps. Sounds like you may be in that space at the moment but it won't last forever. Once you start college you may find you are in a safer environment with some support structures in place.
Live with the hope that someday you will become the person you were meant to be.
Avinia,
No post is pointless here, this is a place where we can articulate our thoughts and vent our frustrations so no apologies necessary. It seems that you are taking a pragmatic and sensible approach given your circumstances and you're smart for doing that at your age because there's no sense in shooting one's self in the foot especially while you still have youth on your side. There are a lot of us here who put their lives on the back burner until a later time for good reasons. So feel free to post away, we're all in your side of the court cheering for you, it's what we do for each other.
What Shan said...
Thanks.
So first, I ended up having a moment of being super inspired after watching a transition video thing on YouTube, and got brave enough to straighten my hair for the first time. Really couldn't figure out how I was supposed to handle the very curly/puffy parts of my hair, but just from the little bit I did, it gave me a huge self confidence boost I guess.
And I did a bit more thinking today. Like I said, I really don't feel like it is safe to come out right now, but at some point during this last year of high school, I am hoping to get brave enough to ask my parents about starting therapy for the social issues, hopefully being able to bring up the gender identity side of it to the therapist. Probably a few months away from being that brave, but it is something I am seriously considering now.
I also thought a bit more about when I eventually do come out. I think the members of my family who would really be hard to accept it, are my 3 brothers and my dad. My 2 brothers who are old enough to understand are just a bit against LGBT stuff I guess, my older brother being a bit more accepting I guess. My dad, I really don't know, I just don't feel like he would be too accepting. I feel like my mom would be a bit more accepting, because I think she knows something is up, to a degree(she used to ask me if I wanted to do more girly things I guess, that was years ago though).
I think when I do come out, what is really going to help my family, is that the Catholic church that all but my oldest brother go to, is starting to really accept homosexuality and stuff more, or at least be a bit less judgmental about it. Though it doesn't matter much to me, I know a lot of my extended family would probably give my family a hard time for it, except for a few who have really shown support for the LGBT community to degrees.
Hmm.. Guess I am taking some advice I heard earlier this week, and really starting to plan what I want to do in the future... At least I feel a happy when I sit here dreaming about what my life could turn out like if things go right. For now though, I guess my main priority is to start gathering courage to ask my parents about therapy.
Very smart thinking, it's always best to develop a plan and there is always hundreds of little things that one can do that aren't costly to facilitate that and initiate some forward momentum. It's good to have a plan (A) and an alternate plan (B) This offsets any feelings of discouragement just in case things don't run as smoothly as you envisioned.