Hello to everybody here,
as a newcomer let me introduce myself.
I am 32 years old and I have been thinking about transition for more than a decade now. In spite of the fact that in the past I felt really, really depressed and really desperate to be a woman, I never took any steps towards the direction of transitioning; maybe I was too coward, too frightened to take a path which seemed very dangerous and totally unacceptable by society etc.
Nowadays, I feel kinda more powerful to make and support my own decisions. But one thing is that I no longer feel desperate about being a woman; I would really LOVE being one, I feel it would be GREAT if I could be one(and especially a mildly good-looking-or at least not ugly-one). But I don't feel depressed(or at least very depressed) as I am now.
You see over these years I learnt to an extent to be somehow OK with having a manly body and face with a womanish inner world. I have friends(smt that I didn't have some years ago when I was really depressed with this gender dyshporia issue), I have a boyfriend who loves me and with whom I have a good time(smt that I didnt have as well when I was really depressed with this gender dyshporia issue), my self esteem is good(it was very low a few years ago). I also "educated" myself in a way through all these years to find happiness in the things that I have, instead of getting depressed about the things that I don't have(a female body in this case).
So this is the case for me now; transition is a DREAM for me, a very tempting desire, but NOT a necessity anymore.
Now, all these years (from 2002 until right now) I have ALWAYS been thinking about transition. I have always been thinking that transition is something I may do in the future and I have always postponed this decision for the future. But now I feel that I cannot postpone the decision any longer; so I promised to myself that I will come to a final decision until the end of 2014.
What I need to evaluate in order to make my decision are the difficulties and risks of transitioning.
Are the difficulties and risks of transition so big that it is worth trying it only if the alternative is suicide or manic depression or whatever? Then transition is NOT for me.
Or are the difficulties and risks not so big that a person like me who dreams about transitioning, but is not desperate about it should try it?
The above questions are the ones with which I need your help.
As I see it, I divide the difficulties and risks of transition into four main categories.
A) FINANCIAL
I know the costs so I won't need any information from you here.
B) ACCEPTANCE FROM FAMILY AND/OR FRIENDS
I also know that it will be very, very difficult for my family(mainly my parents) to accept this, I know that I will really break their heart etc.
C) ACCEPTANCE FROM SOCIETY
This is where I need your help. The image that I have from the society that I live is that transition(at least not in a stealth mode) would make you a social outcast with employment opportunities limited to ..... prostitution-a situation that would be unbearable for me. But mainly from the internet and from some small trips I made to western europe I realised that things in other parts of the planet may be very different. So-since I am seriously thinking about moving in another place in case of transitioning- I am really interested in knowing your experiences on these issues; in knowing how you are treated by society as a transgendered person in the place you are living.
D) HEALTH RISKS ETC.
I know that transition and all its procedures(HRT, FFS etc.) are accompanied with health risks but I cannot estimate the gravity of these risks.
Thank you in advance for all your answers :)
Hello!
Quote from: Tobe(awoman)ornottobe? on September 16, 2014, 02:31:16 PM. . . transition is a DREAM for me, a very tempting desire, but NOT a necessity anymore.
It took me a long time to realize that transition doesn't have to be a last resort. It's good enough that it's a dream of yours to live the life you want. Doesn't have to be the life you
need - wanting is sufficient. We're all allowed to pursue what makes us happy in life, right? ;)
The therapy process is a great place to sort through all of this stuff. You sound a lot like me - rather logical about my analysis with regards to transitioning (which is perhaps a mistake in the first place, as it's often not a very logical process.) With a good therapist, and through communities like this one, and careful experimentation, you can easily wade through the financial considerations, how important your friends and family are, how important it is to be accepted by society, and the health risks.
It's also not a linear process - it's not a case of "transition" or "no transition". You can take this as fast or slow as you want, and do as little or as much as you want. If you figure out that you'd be happy just on low dose hormones, that's cool. If you find out you just enjoy dressing once in a while, that's cool as well. If you dip a toe in the water and end up liking how it feels, awesome - go in deeper. If hormones make you happier, that works too. You can keep it as private as you want, or let the entire world know.
Sometimes, looking at the end result makes the journey seem very daunting. Becoming female? That's miles and miles away, and so much time, effort and money to get there. But how about the first step - well, you've made it by coming here. Easy, wasn't it? The next step, find a therapist to talk to - that's also pretty easy (most of the time). Then it's up to you where you go - medication, presentation, whatever you like, but transition really is broken up into countless easy steps. Take a few, see how you feel. If it's the right thing to do, you'll know it. If not, you've lost nothing and gained a whole lot of insight into yourself.
But...
I know you broke it down into those four categories that you want to take a look at, so I'll give you my personal take. (Note that this is just my own experience - the experiences of others will vary hugely.)
Financial - not as bad as you might think if you have insurance. Therapy is often covered and can be disguised as counseling for depression or anxiety or some other non-trans issue. Basic medication is now generic and cheap, even without insurance. I've found that I haven't spent half as much as I expected. That said, the cosmetic side of things is more costly. Clothing - expensive unless you go the charity shop route (which I have, and it probably shows.) Laser on your face and other bits? Not cheap. Hair if you're going bald? $$$ unless you want to go the wig route, which can itself be $$ for a good one. Surgery? Expensive - start saving now.
Family and friends - mine have been 100% supportive. I haven't told everyone yet, but the important ones are absolutely understanding and happy that I'm getting happy. I have yet to have a family member or friend who has not been elated by the news (once the initial shock passed), and who has not offered their unconditional support. This was the biggest surprise to me.
Society - getting better, but still not great. Co-workers are a pain sometimes, managers are great. Strangers and casual acquaintances are varied in their tolerance and reactions. The old values held by many people are frustrating, and there's so much misinformation out there which seems to stick more than the truth sometimes. The message is still that we're a little bit weird, but the conversation is starting to change.
Health risks - it's fairly safe, the treatments are mature, there's good practitioners in most areas who are more than competent to care for you. Surgery, you may have to travel, but hormones and everything else are widely available and easily-accessible, especially in most metro areas. The mental calm of being on HRT is far healthier than the stress and anxiety and drinking/eating/drug abuse associated with gender dysphoria.
That's about it in a nutshell - again, my opinions only, and your mileage may vary. But don't be afraid to explore, take baby steps, and experience this stuff first-hand. It's surprisingly easy, but I do remember how worried I was when first starting out - it's a difficult place to be. The journey so far is absolutely wonderful though, and I wake up every single day grateful that I decided to live my life as I wanted to, not as I thought other people wanted me to.
First of all your best to discover your path with a qualified gender therapist. All that members here can provide is experiences they went through. In the end the only person who can tell you for sure that you need to transition is you.
That being said, the dragon may be tamed for a while but it usually rears it's head with a vengeance. I would suggest finding a therapist and figure out which path you want to take and how far you should go. Another thing I would say is the path you will take is for you to walk do not let people tell you to go faster and further then you are comfortable with. If you don't want srs and don't need it to be you, don't let anyone tell you that you need to do it.
They are not a one or the other solution.
The latter is never a valid alternative in transition.
Welcome to Susan's family
In the meantime pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fobject%2Fchair-3-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png&hash=f6de189a088518c5de131e0c9ce29661e7a52a55) (http://www.sherv.net/)
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Safe passage on your path, popcorn?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi62.tinypic.com%2F33a6ouf.jpg&hash=70038a414397cf8547aa00ee9064953fc318e096)
Izzy
I modified the title to make it less triggering to members.
And welcome !
Cindy
I actually started transition at 32, and was in a similar situation to yours - I thought it would make me happier, but I wasn't miserable. I chose to see if
I was right by cautiously taking some steps towards transitioning, and each one did increase my happiness, so I figured I was on the right track. However, I also believed at first that I had to be truly suffering to justify transition, and that maybe I was just a fake; I've since had GRS, so I have to accept I'm really trans. :)
Anyway, I had no problems with family, friends, OR job. And I'm not stealth now, but I'm living happily as an ordinary woman. I've been lucky, but it's not an uncommon story.
Good luck!!
Welcome to Susans. Great question. From where I sit there are always alternatives. Whether they work for you in the short or longer term can only be determined by you. There are medical, non medical, full or partial, binary or non binary transitions.
Your journey and search for your answers is only something that you can plot and experience.
The great thing is that many of us are on our own journeys, many previous participants on Susans have also shared their experiences and insights. In the early stages working with a great gender therapist is invaluable. But this does require work. It is not an issue which can be properly or fully addressed vicariously or entirely from learning or understanding the experience of others. It is a journey, your journey and requires you to set the direction and pace. You need to author and own each step that you take.
We are here for each other. Read, share, question and explore.
Safe travels
Aisla
I think you are asking; "I am moving or considering moving, somewhere more trans friendly. Can you talk about where you live and how you are treated there (socially and employment wise) so I can have a better idea of what to look for in a trans accepting community/state/country etc." Am i right?
I live in New Jersey in the USA. It is an extremely liberal state in the most liberal region of a fairly socially forward country. Transition is easy for us here compared to the rest of the states.
The people in my life:
The majority of my peers (in my life and not) are mid 20's, middle/upperclass backgrounds, currently yuppie like, lots of political diversity, lots of ethnic diversity, general comfortable with their own sexual orientation and other's, less religiously oriented, high chances for successful interactions with different ways of life or cultures, but still very low trans understanding and exposure.
Everyone here seems to be very ok with differences. Prejudice still exists, and people still can be very uncomfortable with trans people but that stems from misunderstanding the issues, little to no exposure of trans people, and discomfort when faced to challenge the gender binary. I'm assuming this attitude is generally true for most people of the world, but where I live, we are a lot more open to learning about it. Often people who I talk to are very curious and mean well. I think this stems from societal pressure to be socially tolerant. Where I am from, intolerance is looked down upon. Openly making fun of others for superficial reasons (race, gender, orientation etc) signifies a lack of intelligence, empathy, and individualism (all of which are traits we value). On a side note, there is a ton of prejudice humor. Everyone still finds that funny, racist jokes or ripping on others cause their different, but I think its only funny because no one internalizes the stereotypes and the jabs come from forward people (idk like making blonde jokes or polish jokes, no one really thinks their dumb, its just a way for people to get what the jokes getting at? tbh i have no clue about this one)
Just because we are an accepting place does not mean that trans people are accepted. We just have a better chance of people we come across to try. As of now we are mysterious, and not really a thing to people. Before acceptance, we need understanding. Before that, we need positive exposure within a tolerant environment.
tldr; So ya, if you do your research on the new york/new jersey area you will find the place where I live my life. I am happy with the place I live. Because of what I've seen of others all my life, I feel safe, confident and optimistic towards being a trans woman in the future.
Employment:
Ya, I don't know much about employment here or what kind of industry you are in. But here's what I know from working in restaurants and small business'; Most bosses that need you to interact with customers or clients will not hire you unless you pass. Regardless of how tolerant or not they are, there is no righteousness in business no matter what Uncle Sam tells them to do. It's tough to succeed in America, no business owner is going to hire an employee that may potentially make the business look bad. People may be willing to get to know a trans person and become more tolerant, but the fact is, there is just not enough exposure to us. Until others understand that we're real people and not plot lines, fetishes, and spectacles for talk shows, we will sadly stay that way. Owners understand the social climate (maybe more than most) and will be very hesitant to hire you.
I suspect you will have better luck in bigger companies (walmart, sainsberrys, super markets, and warehouse stores etc) because they feel the pressure to hire minorities over small business.
I don't know about other careers like office work or specialized fields. I can only speculate. I'm guessing that you will face hiring prejudice here but to a lesser degree. It will be based more on the interviewer/bosses opinion on trans people, but I feel like it will mostly come down to how well you can do the job.
tldr; You will have more trouble finding jobs in small retail business'. You will have an easier job with office work or national companies. I know a lot of trans people with jobs here.
Personal experience:
So far so good here. I'm not passing yet though or living as a girl. I have been getting looks from people (a lot), but i'm not feeling terrible. They don't seem judging or mean. Thats hard to prove, but I feel as if I have a good command on body language.
My opinion:
Things to keep in mind. The "A)" or financial considerations will change depending on where you wind up. "B)" or Acceptance from friends and family will weigh less or more in your decision based on where you may move to. So your decision to transition will be in a constant flux with lots of changing variables which will either qualify you or not (based on your own criteria) for a transition. All these pros and cons are very objective and logical in nature too and have less to do with feelings and emotion (which I think is a bigger indicator for if it's right to transition or not.
If I could give a suggestion; I would simplify the decision making process. You will find your own way to decide in the end, but let me tell you what I did. I was very much in your shoes. I wasn't suicidal or even depressed really. I just always knew I should have been a girl, but I learned to be happy and successful as a man. Unlike you, I lived in a very accepting area of the world, and my family and friends would have been (and are) super cool with it. So although my decision was easier for practical reasons, I still thought often about transitioning just like you. So how did I make the decision?
I thought about what life would be like if I transitioned 10 years ago when I was middle school. In almost all cases I felt I would been happier if I did. Then I thought If my "ten years from now self" looks back on today, I know he'll be upset I didn't transition. My 40 year from now self would be the saddest most filled with regret person ever. Every day of my life I would regret everything I've ever done. Now regardless of how true or false those predictions are, the fact that I'm terrified of being a 60 year old man is a huge red flag. Think about how you would feel in the big picture; I'm a male engineer. I am a husband. I am a father, and the small stuff; going to the boys room, having everyone see you and treat you as a man, not being able to express your spirit through the clothing you want.
I have a feeling that emotions and intuition will ultimately guide your transition or not, and all the other reasons to transition or not will exist more to explain and define those emotions to yourself and others.
That's my take on it, everyones different. Good luck, I hope I at least gave you a new insight or angle to look at this. :)
`ash
P.S: On youtube, look up users Raiden Quinn, and Minorqb. These are just off the top of my head, but the cultures they live in seem close to mine.
Transition does not have to be a do or die issue. It is a wholly destructive thing to do if one doesn't have to though.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on September 16, 2014, 04:03:34 PMI also believed at first that I had to be truly suffering to justify transition, and that maybe I was just a fake . . .
Great point, Jenna Marie. Same for me - thought that all "real" trans-girls knew they were trans because they went through years of misery, depression, self harm and rejection, and that I must be some kind of faker because I didn't suffer much. Turns out that there's plenty who don't go through a living nightmare to become the women they were supposed to be.
It doesn't have to be a struggle to be authentic.
I agree with others it being your dream is definitely enough. A good thing to think about is what would you do with yourself if their was no social consequence. I know that thought helped me decide because early on I felt like it was just that I wanted to be a women and that I didn't actually need it.
Also denying your dream can be dangerous. if you choose to never transition, then I could see that being dangerous. Do you think if you choose not to transition you would all the sudden stop wanting to be a girl? To me I think you would be denying a part of yourself.
Remember there are no such thing as a true or fake trans person. everyone's gender identity is valid and everyone has different ways of discovering your true self. So just because your story isn't the cliché "I knew I was a women my whole life" doesn't mean that ur urge to become female isn't real.
First of all, let me apologise for the title; unfortunately when I posted the initial post I didn't think about how triggering it may be.
Second, thank you all ladies for your answers :eusa_clap:
I will come back with some replies on some of them later.
i don't have to transition. i can go through my life, feeling happy in most moments, managing well, maybe even get married to an understanding person.
but i will not be content. i will not have explored that one side of life where even more happiness and color may lie.
i will regret not trying, and i don't want to live with that regret. it would be the stupidest regret ever.
creating unhappiness by not trying to create happiness.
makes no sense.
i thought for a while that it was do or die. that i had to. i was mistaken.
but that doesn't mean life can't get better, and i really want to experience better.
i want to experience me. fully and wholly.
i have a need to see the other side, be it the right thing or not. just to know that i've tried.
if i don't like it, i can find other ways. i already have other ways.
but i've made a choice to see what answers lie in the unknown, because it is important to me. on a very different level from work and food and the family around me. it feels like having a magazine about the most amazing science stuff lying on my kitchen table, but never getting to open it.
why shouldn't i, when i'm interested, when i feel that it is right for me, when it is my dream?
there are people who jump off cliffs or out of planes or climb into thin air just for their dreams.
so much more dangerous than transitioning, but nobody asks them why.
we just admire.