Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just a thing I'm curious about, as it seems the only trans* people represented on TV had 'always known' and was just wondering how everyone else feels ^-^


-Matt

I didn't even know what trans was until I was 11 and even then it really confused me. I did trans-like stuff when I was as young as 5/6, but I always recognized that I was male, just different from the other boys. I couldn't really put things together until about high school, so I said under 22. I didn't really "accept" myself as trans until recently though.

Hiya Matt

Nope, I only realised when I was in my mid 20s. 

Before that there was confusion, lots of it, but definitely no clear realisation, no "aha" moment.

I'm 47 n one of my good friends is 43. I think for myself it was the fact that there was no accessibility to trans issues earlier. I knew the person I presented as was a front n that things didn't fit but no clue why. Then I lived for so many years this way that it was my normal.

I was very girly until puberty.  It was after that I got really uncomfortable with my body and how people treated me socially.  There wasn't any sort of trans awareness when I was growing up tho so I just thought I was strange and that I would just have to deal with it.  Then I learned what trans was in college and that I could be a man.  It took me a couple years to accept, but it just felt so right after I did.

I'm not sure how to answer the question.  I knew when I was very little that I wanted to be a girl.  Some of my earliest memories are of praying to wake up a girl.  But I didn't know what being trans meant.

Then in my early 20's, I knew that I was interested in transition and did a lot of research.  But ultimately decided it wasn't a possibility for me.  So I decided I probably wasn't trans.

It wasn't until my mid-30's that I realized that other people aren't preoccupied with wanting to be the other gender.  That's when it occurred to me that I actually am transgender.

I had no idea of terminology, but then the sky is blue whether or not I know that color is called blue. I found out I wasn't seen by others as a boy when I was 3.

for me it was lots of confusion and trying to hid the woman inside till i was 31.

i think i had an undefinable grief since i was 3-4 years old. but at that time, i didn't understand why i couldn't play boy games with the boys. maybe i didn't really understand gender "properly", i even still have problems understanding why it should matter if someone is male or female. the gender borders don't look absolute to me at all, even though a body is usually very obviously one sex or the other.

at around 8-9 years old, i started wishing, occasionally, that i was a boy. at ten i hated puberty because of secondary sex characteristics. i never wanted any of them, neither male nor female. i remember thinking at 12 that i wished i had an androgynous body so i could pass as a boy when i wanted to. seems like the reason i wanted an androgynous body was more because that allows one to choose whether to wear breasts or a penis on any given day. displaying all secondary sex characteristics at once would only mark me for bullying...

i'm fairly sure i was under 14 when i watched a documentary about transsexualism on tv. it made me realize what was wrong with me, but at the same time i also pushed the thought aside. something about that whole idea of a full transition just didn't fit (not to mention my parents' often expressed displeasure at the "gay lifestyle").

i was over 22 before the feelings of wrongness became very strong again. but not as bad as feeling like everything is wrong, it's not like i hate being female. i just hate not being able to pass as a man when i want to.

I knew that I was different from a young age but in the 1960's we didn't have the knowledge that we have today and we didn't have the internet so I didn't begin to figure it out until my early 40's. My bell started softly ringing then and it got louder and louder - and here I am transitioning now  :laugh:

Looking back I can clearly see the signs  that were there all along. I never wanted to play with dolls or dress like a girl back then but there were plenty of other clues.

I sort of knew something was up when I was 4.  I was in denial until I was 43.  For my entire life, when something came on TV that involved transfolk, I could never take my eyes off the screen.  There was always part of me that saw myself in those people.  I also wished I could wear my wife's clothes since the day I met her (because they would have fit me!), but she told me that the last guy she was with was a crossdresser and I really didn't want to f*** things up between us.  When I was 42 and had to have my sigmoid colon removed, I knew on some level that I could no longer have that type of SRS.  I don't even remember where I learned about that procedure.  I denied it until things started to really unravel and I finally tried estrogen. 

I had an idea at 5, but knew for sure at 7. There was no label for how I felt though and transition would not have even been considered or discussed. I was just a victim of my generation.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 22, 2014, 02:28:45 AM
There was no label for how I felt though and transition would not have even been considered or discussed. I was just a victim of my generation.  :)

Yes, I lived this too.  I was in my 20s, living in South Africa.  Ignorant, chauvinist racist place..  The internet was just starting and TG resources were scarce. There was nobody to talk to and most psychologists didn't know what to do with us.  Finally I went to see the only person I could find - a transgender sex worker.  She was a terribly sad person in every sense. It freaked me out totally and I put The Girl in a box and hid her at the back of my mind for 20 years.  How times change...!

I didn't always know what Trans* was... :P
but I've known I was a girl, or at least meant to be one, since I was at least 5.

I had "wanted to be a girl" since I was 4. I didn't know what a transsexual was I would say until I was around 7 or 8 due to something i heard on TV. And even then I thought it was just surgery. I had no idea about hormones or anything like that. I had one or two relatives that dressed me up. During my teen years it intensified with not just daring acts of dressing but also wanting to cut "it" off. When we got a telephone in 1989 I used to answer the phone like a girl and my dad quickly put a stop to that. It just came naturally. During my 20s, free from my dad's house and on my own I figured it out and it all made sense to me.

I had a good few clues that something was wrong because I was different and I had more in common with my female relatives than my male ones. I'm also higher IQ than nearly everyone on my dad's side and many on my mom's.

I can remember wanting to be a girl at 6 or 7.I was 21 when I realised I was trans and it wasn't going away.I spent the next 10 years trying to blot it out with lager,cider,speed and weed

I can remember wanting to wake up and magically be a girl from about age 10 or so, but I had no clue what any of it meant or why I felt that way, then when i was about 20 i just burried it all under alcohol. Wasn't till I was 30 that I was able to pull myself together long enough to figure it out.

Since being a teenager, I've wanted to be female, but never dreamed that made me trans. It wasn't until I was nearly 51 that I started interacting with transgender people and realized why I had been feeling that way.

I had no idea of gender until I was a teen; maybe 14? My first "I'm trans" moments I was 19. I couldn't get back to that closet fast enough

I didn't know the term transgender until like a few months ago but I knew something was off when I was like 8 years old.

Quote from: LordKAT on September 21, 2014, 11:07:27 PM
I had no idea of terminology, but then the sky is blue whether or not I know that color is called blue. I found out I wasn't seen by others as a boy when I was 3.

This is worth noting.

When we are toddlers, we have no idea about basic biology, nor do we know that our brains and our bodies didn't match. But we knew what felt right and who we are. So a lot of people realized what was going on early but didn't have the requisite knowledge to put it all together.

I spent the first 8 years of my life not really understanding the difference between genders,  people were just people to me, and they still are. Around 11 years old I wasn't allowed to just run around in tshirts alone anymore, and suddenly I was treated very differently from my brother. It never dawned on me that we were different until then.

I found myself hanging around with boys much more than girls and the teachers always said that I should find some girl friends. Id play lots of video games and choose the male character over the female one, whenever we played mmos together with the one girl friend I had, I was always her older brother in game.

It was less weird. Never wanted breasts, cried when I first went bra shopping.

But it wasnt until I met my friend in high school that I actually realised I was trans. She kind of encouraged me to talk to her when dysphoria got bad, and eventually she asked if it would be better if she just called me a boy, and it made the day so much more bearable. 

A bit of thinking and therapy and googling later, here I am.

Oh by the way I grew up in the 80s, and I used to watch America's top 10 on TV. My favorite singer was Boy George and I remember asking my parents why he dressed up in girl's clothing and if I could... of course the answer was NO. LOL.

I have a memory of being 4 and frequently praying that I would wake up female. That was in the 1950s. That never really went away, I knew from that time forward that something wasn't quite right, but didn't really understand it. I spent years hiding in altered states of consciousness never really facing it. Things got really bad in my 50s and I sought out counseling. That's where I learned that I am trans. I didn't want to accept it. I was in therapy for maybe 4 years before I accepted the offer by my therapist to write "the letter", the dysphoria was particularly pronounced and I was becoming suicidal, so I thought what the heck, let's see if this works. Well. It works. I'm a girl. My brain is happy on E.

My earliest memory in life was when I was 5 and I went to my mothers bedroom, put on some of her clothes, smudged on some lipstick and heels that were way to big, then proceeded to do an impromptu fashion show for my mom and her best friend. I guess I was always different but it was at that point I got the talk about what little boys do and what little girls do so I discovered that I was different.

It wasn't until I was 13 that I learned what being trans was so I guess that's when I realized I was trans.

(Ayden your avatar gives me nightmares :shudder:)

I first started to dress/act like a girl at a very young age, before preschool. I didn't understand my genitalia and wanted it to disappear. I wanted to look and dress like my friends (mostly girls) and played like them too. Understanding the terminology came way later but the narrative has been with me for as long as i can remember.

I suppose tenish or elevenish.  I don't exactly remember the precise moment.  It's something that I came to understand as I went on and examined my life and feelings.  Even at that point, I wasn't able to say trans.  I was more in the line of thought that I was a gay boy that really wanted to be a girl.  It wasn't until I turned 18-19 that I came to realize that I was trans as I became more educated and understood the term that best fit me.  Before then, I thought transexuals were all like Rupaul  and I couldn't associate with that for the most part.  Most of my prior knowledge on this community was pretty negative and it has done a number on my own self esteem as I have to combat internalized transphobia that's been programed into me as a child.

One thing I would like to note is that the age of realization isn't too important.  When I was first looking into transition, the fact that I have had these feelings almost made it feel like it was okay for me to transition or that I passed the test.  But that's stupid.  IF this is what you want or who you are, then the future is all that really matters.  It's funny because I used to think a lot about my past as a way to justify my transness when I began my transition and now I only think about the future.  If there is one thing I would caution those starting out, it's to focus on future and not the past.  I mean the past is important and it helps to analyze you, but your life in the present and hopes for the future also matter too.  Just my opinion on the topic.

I've known since I was 3-4 years old. I had no idea what it was called, I just knew I was supposed to be a girl from my earliest memories..

It was hidden from me all my life until I was fifty-seven.

:)

I always knew I thought differently and felt differently, but I couldn't pinpoint it until my late 20s. Honestly, I didn't know much about what transgender or transexual was until then. I knew there were people who changed genders, but I didn't know all of the details and I didn't think it applied to me.  I found that I loved androgyny in my late teens, and that never stopped. I think it's highly symbolic of the Masculine and Feminine united. Eventually, I started realising that I didn't identify with men or maleness and would say I was a "sentient being inhabiting a vessel". Then I started thinking of myself as Androgyne, but today I'd rather be seen as female. I don't want my gender to be a subject of confusion, and I don't want to use "they" or invented pronouns.

I liked some boyish things growing up except sports, hunting, and rough playing. I had moments of "dress-up" in the bathroom, but I never really wondered why. Sex was never a comfortable subject for me, nor was it something I was comfortable exploring. My mind was primarily on learning, writing, music and art. I was a sweet kid and was much closer to the women in my family. I just wish I had known things far earlier. I know many say it's never too late to transition, but the older you get the less effective HRT becomes, especially when you have the genes that cause hair loss. That's one of the biggest causes of dysphoria for me.

Realising that I am transgender is something that I'm not sure is a positive or a negative in my life. I'm lucky to have very supportive friends and family, but the desire to transition is still kind of scary. That means I have to learn so many new things and endure new obstacles. I just wish I could go to sleep and then wake up with everything the way it should be, but it won't. I even feel some embarrassment in having to learn makeup and changing my wardrobe. I want to, but I've been this guy for so long that other people have got to think I'm mental despite how supportive they are. It's not a fetish for me despite the joy I get from cross-dressing. I don't do it for arousal. This isn't some case of  ->-bleeped-<-. I genuinely prefer clothing that is either unisex or made for women, because that's who I am. It's just such a huge change.

Anyway, there I go again; exceeding the point of the question.

When I was 4. I knew I was "born in the wrong body". I fought myself and was in denial till my early 30s when I started the transition process.

I've always known I was/am a girl/woman from my first waking memories in very early childhood around late 3 or 4 years old. However I also knew I was different than other girls "down there." I didn't have a name tho for what I was nor knew the full extent of my genetics until I was 9 tho when a nurse who saw me crying while my adopted father argued with the Doctor because he wasn't told what he wanted to hear. This nurse who was present for my tests wiped my tears and explained it all to me. Afterwards I spent a lot of time in the library reading everything I could on transgender and intersex conditions. Funny part is, I actually have my adopted father to thank for this knowledge so early on, for it was he who insisted I have that battery of tests to find out why I looked and acted so girly, as he put it.

He would go on to take me in for the same tests from 3 more different specialists hoping to get the answer he wanted. However they all told him the same thing giving me the same diagnosis. He finally gave up on this strategy after the 4th one.

Ally :icon_flower:

I didn't have the realisation moment till I was 28. Biggest self-face-palm moment of my life.

Was always very confused. Sometimes I even thought I was an alien or something.
Thought I was gay for awhile too (probably still am :P). Always knew that I had boy-equipment, thus assumed that 'boy' was what I need/had to be. Put on a real good act about being 'boyish' too - but always felt empty.

Probably would say the first time I really noticed that was about 12-13.

Like others, 4 or 5 when I started with mom's clothes, boots, 'hose, panties.  Continued in a viscious binge/guilt/purge cycle til I was 25.  At 25, a miracle happened in my life, one day, no more want to CD.  A miracle, (PM me for more details) yes. 

But something never let go inside me, and it wasn't CD as I had no interest in CDing.  When I was in my mid-late 30's I saw depression creeping in heavier than it ever did.  Only when I was about 40 did I start looking at CD/TS as two separate entities.  It was obvious to me I was not CD at all, rather I am TS. 

From there the depression got worse, the denial became stronger until the last few months where I gave in and couldn't take the depression any longer.  Now at 43 years into this process, I fully admit I'm TS. 

I probably realized at 12 or so. Previously all the characters I created in games or stories would be female, but I never really thought anything of it. Maybe I figured it was just an escape. But since then I've been working hard to tell friends and family, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing... :P

I don't think I'm trans but I have severe genetile dysphoria and even though I'm technically male I tampered with wearing tampons at 13.  You just gotta love dysphoria lol.

Quote from: whatever on September 22, 2014, 05:24:27 PM
(Ayden your avatar gives me nightmares :shudder: )

:O who doesn't love the Dark Lord Walenstein?? Aside from people who hate murderous, overweight partridges. I keep meaning to change it, but every time I see it I giggle. Maybe I'll make it a picture of my snake instead.

It's interesting to read the different stories. We are such a varied group and I really enjoy reading the different experiences.

I knew I wanted to be female when I was around 12.  I'm sure there was also a bit of this happening when I was even younger, but it is hard for me to remember.  Way too much pressure back then to do anything about it without having a huge amount of bravery and courage, which I didn't have.  I had so much repressed and compartmentalized until I met some trans friends in my 20's.  I didn't think I could go through with it due to all the pressure.  I'm older now and it just kept getting worse and more clear what needs to be done.

At this point I have an incredible compulsion to start HRT, but sitting here waiting for it sucks.  My therapist is more like a GK, but I am going to beg her to put me on HRT next appointment anyways. Going to try laser tomorrow if I can find the time. 

The truth is I've had severe depression all my life.  I pretty much avoided everybody, would run home to my small group of transgender friends every day until one of them, my best friend, passed away.  At this point things got much worse with the loneliness.  Lots of mistakes, now trying to correct the course.

As a kid I was always off in my own little planet - I didn't understand why I had to be excluded from female activities just because I was a boy and I really didn't want to be a boy at all. I didn't have a sense of being trans until I started to learn about what was involved at university and a couple of trans women briefly came into my orbit. So by about age 22 I finally understood what was going on for me.

I found the term transgender when I was 15 I think, but I've felt "wrong" since I was like 10 :P

I was 32. I was happy as a boy and then a man... for a while. It came as a pretty abrupt epiphany that now I needed to transition, but I'm thrilled that I did!

When I was about 5 or 6 years old.I knew I was born the wrong gender having feelings I am really female.

I just felt "off" for a long time but i didn't realize I was trans until I was about 19

Realised I didn't answer my own question lol, why not?

Knew something was off for a while, cut off my hair and started presenting male around 8 / 9 but was bullied so hid that away until I was 12.
Realised when I was 14, pretty scary.

Didn't really understand gender until about 8 though, struggled quite a lot.

I don't know how to answer with the given options. I tried to tell my parents that I was a boy when I was 5 or 6, and again when I was 7 or 8, and again when I was 9 or 10, and they always just beat me and said no. I knew god didn't like boys who liked boys, so I was terrified and ashamed about my attraction to boys, but I didn't know how to explain my fears to anyone. I thought my having a female body was a punishment from god for not wanting to marry a girl. When I was on the streets as a teenager I was able to live as a male and hang out with other gay males, but I couldn't have sex without being outed. When I got pregnant and wasn't able to get an abortion I had to let go of the idea of living as a male, and I still dressed like a man and kept short hair and worked hard labor most of the time, but for a number of years I couldn't talk to anyone about how I didn't feel like a woman. I thought everybody was like that, that all women felt like men and I just needed to try harder to accept my role.

I guess I knew I was trans when I was little, but I didn't have options or a language for it, and the older I got the easier it was to just bury the idea and try to adapt to reality. I didn't realize for sure as an adult until I found an ad for a transmasculine support group in the back of the free gay paper in Portland OR in 2008, when I was in my late twenties. Seeing that this was a real thing and I wasn't the only one in the universe dealing with it made it impossible to keep pretending to be a girl.

I spent most of my life in denial trying to convince myself that what I was feeling wasn't right...
it wasn't until my 30's that I finally accepted myself as Transgender

I was at least 20. No "I have always known" for me. I think at first I had really narrow ideas about what being transgender was or meant, so I didn't connect it to myself.

I'm not sure totally when.

But when I was really little I daydreamed about being Marle from Chrono Trigger. And I always wished I were a girl.
I always thought it would be so neat to be a girl.

I always thought I was attracted to girls, and that's why I wanted to be a girl.
I was so scared. And I didn't know I could be transgender. But I realized I always wanted to be one, too.

I voted at under 22.
I feel really apprehensive talking about this, not sure why.?
Firstly, I never felt a need to transition genders or present my apearence other than male, most of my dysphoria was internal and just had to do with my feelings more than any outward conflicts.
I was a really lonely teen, there was no internet, nothing like there is today. No friends at all, I mean no one. I'd quit high school in my last year, it was just so terrifying I couldn't go anymore.. I thought about suicide a lot. I finally got a Doctor's help, and could look for a job, and found one. At work I built a strong bond with an older woman who worked in a different dept. And we talked a lot, and got along really well. She was gay, I'd heard rumors, but I couldn't have cared less, she was one of the kindest friends I've ever had. In the next 3-4 years I hung out exclusively with her and her lesbian group of friends, who accepted me as one of the girls. THATS when I starting wondering why I was different inside from the other "quote" Guys I'd known in school.? Oh gawd I loved those girls, they FINALLY treated me like the person I really was, and I never had to even ask.? Over the years I've had other women call me they're BFF jokingly, but it was exactly what I felt like inside.

I was married at 24, and my wife accepts me totally, well, I've actually never told her most of the things I've posted here with you, but she knows I have all female friends, always have, and she's not threatened by it at all.

Anyways, moving on. Like one of you described above feeling its like a bell that keeps ringing louder and louder, I just couldn't stop thinking about it, and recently I just had to figure this out, like I was going to pop inside if I didn't.?

I still thought I was CISmale, even when I joined here, but I couldn't fight it, when I got a big taste of who you all where, and what you were feeling, I knew this was it, after all of the years of wondering why, not understanding myself, it was my gender being different that had made me so different. Thats why I was so happy and giddy when I first joined, and I didn't want anyone bringing me down or be the least bit critical of me, it was like I knew why I'm like me now, and I'm not crazy, of have some sort of spycological problem, its like finally I got permission to be myself without guilt, and it feels so good.

I don't think I'm going to change much on the outside in the forseable future, but I'm perfectly fine with that. My true transition and acceptance of myself is inside, where my conflict always was, and now is no more..

Soooo, that's that as they say.
Bless everyone here for helping me find myself, I literally could not have done it without you.

And I'm still growing, evolving, discovering and experiencing, so the book on me is far from closed..

My vote is after 40.

While I knew I was different at the age of 4 or 5, with the usual story of wearing mom's clothes at that age and for a couple decades after, I always saw myself as someone who struggled with being a cross dresser.   My curiosity was always piqued when a trans story was on the news or in a periodical.  I made sure no one was around while I absorbed it many times over.  Ahhh, I wished to be them.  But, I didn't understand the world of difference between being CD or being TS.  I was clueless.

I prayed and prayed and prayed, finally one day in my mid 20's, the urge to CD was gone and my definition of myself by wearing women's clothes was gone.  Hooray!  One of the few who have answered prayers in this arena.  I am lucky.  I am blessed!

BUT....

The Gender Dysphoria never went away even though the urge to cross dress disappeared.  GD went underground as I buried it in church, marriage, busy-ness, winning awards at church for 'best servant', fitting-in, sports, etc.  Only to grow more uncomfortable with who I was on the inside month by month.  Finally, around 40yo, I started digging deeper on the 'net, found a CD site for discussion and yet found myself not relating to CD's but wanting to fully relate with transgender/TS...it's like the light went off above my head illuminating what I have been burying (through fear, anxiety, deep depression) for all these years "THAT'S ME! THOSE ARE "MY" PEOPLE!" 

I continued to struggle with other issues in life, this being the biggest.  Yet, only this couple months did I finally get to the point where I admitted, out loud, "I am transgender.  The reason why I have so much anxiety is because I'm transgender..."  and continued to admit the obvious things I've been hiding for 4 decades, out loud, in the mirror, to myself. 

Very freeing. 

Very scary. Remember, I'm married with kids.

Yet, I feel naive for being in my 40's by NOT admitting all this stuff earlier.   I see people in their 20s, I could wish for going back that far and doing it all over again, but I now have awesome kids.  So going back means negating their chance at life.  Something I would never do.  Even with my naivety, The 40's it is! 

40's is the new 30's so really I'm transitioning in my 30's, right? :)

I have no idea which answer I should choose. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel there was something very off about me, but I didn't consciously wish I had been born female until sometime around puberty. Even then, there was nothing more than "I wish I had been." I had no idea that I could actually be a girl. I didn't admit and embrace how I felt until... 25ish, I guess. I'm sure it would have happened way, way sooner if I hadn't been completely in the dark about the concept of transgender until then.

I hated my assigned gender my whole life. But due to a lack of exposure, I wasn't able to identify as trans until later, about age 24 or 25.

In the media, I had seen some portrayals of trans women, but only one of a trans man, on a Discovery Channel-type special. This guy had such severe dysphoria that he had turned to self-harm and completely torn up his chest. I was about ten at the time and I thought, wow, if that's what it is, I guess I am not that. I couldn't imagine intentional self-harm at that age.

My next exposure to a trans man was when I watched Boys Don't Cry with my grandmother, who is an awful person and was making comments the entire time. I didn't identify with Brandon because he liked girls. So again, I thought, that must not be me.

My next exposure to a trans man was in person, at my school. We ended up working in the same office, primarily because I had been so excited to meet him that I went home and wrote my first ever cover letter to the place where he worked. It became REAL, and I spent the next year really coming into myself. I have also entered into much more satisfying friendships than I have ever had in the past, and finally felt at home and safe for the first time in my life.

Realizing trans identity and transition are actually possible was a huge catalyst for me, and I've been exploring and claiming my identity since then.

Also, I learned that gender is a social construct when I was 17, in a social psychology class in high school. Heard about ze pronouns when I was about 19. But I was in a heteronormative relationship by then, so my nonbinary identity has been suppressed as well.

Hopefully I can reconcile both my non-binary and male identities in the future. I'm still working on that.

So, while I always knew something, was always drawn to trans issues even if I couldn't name exactly why, and finally named the identity within myself over the last year... I don't think I've fully realized myself yet. It is a long process.

I know that from a very young age I always had thoughts that I knew other boys probably didn't. Nothing was ever obvious to me, so I never once actually thought I was a girl, but I didn't identify as a boy, either. There were times that I'd go into the bathroom and put my mom's clothes and makeup on, but I never questioned my gender. I was just being a kid, my brain doing what it would have done if I had a girl's body. As I got older I found it really difficult to refer to myself in writing as a "he", so I'd find clever ways to avoid it. When I had to dress up in a suit for some reason like a funeral or a wedding, someone would always tell me how handsome or sharp I looked. Instead of feeling good about it I would cringe with half a smile.

In my high school years my interest in the goth scene was like an outlet for me to get away with wearing makeup and nail polish. I didn't even really care about the whole subculture, although I did love the fashion. I've always loved wearing black. And I think my fascination with androgyny around that time was probably another way of the Inner Me yearning to be freed. It took 30 years for all the puzzle pieces to finally come together as a whole so that I could see, with clarity, what I've been struggling with.

Whether or not I ever feel like dressing more feminine (like dresses, leggings, etc) is irrelevant right now. All that matters at the moment is getting my HRT. I have an appointment today to get paperwork done at this clinic in Montrose, then set up a day for the blood work. My mother was supposed to take me but she flaked on me. I'm so done trying to rely on her. In the past few years she's just gone downhill. So, I have to drive my car (that needs repairs and an inspection) across town. If I get a ticket I'm making her pay for it. ughh..

I was 8, but that was when I first heard of SRS, and the possibility of the concept of being trans*. I wished I were a girl from the point in time I discovered that all boys turned into men, and all girls turned into women...I'm perhaps a little weird in that, as a kid, I thought there were four genders: men, women, boys, and girls and for a long time, didn't really believe that people grew up for whatever reason. I was absolutely horrified when I found out that I was going to become a man...though I didn't really want to become a woman either...I always wished I were a girl though...at some level, to me, girl>boy>woman>man and that is perhaps why I am genderfluid/bigender...although I wished I were a girl, I was OK with being a boy and identified as one, just not that with the idea I'd become a man someday...

The feelings have been with me for as long as I can remember (I'm 22, fyi).

I don't think I've ever felt ashamed of myself or others for it. I was afraid for a very long time of being discriminated against due to overall lack of confidence in myself. I was put in therapy at age 3 and have a distinct memory of reading the words "gender identity" in my pediatrician's medical file when I was about 10. My parents banned dolls and more stereotypically "feminine" children's symbols (ie. Disney princess movies) at the recommendation of school faculty who were afraid I would get bullied later on in life (which I did). I think it was also the root of a lot of verbal abuse that came from my father during my teen years (who I am now estranged from).

My realization wasn't specifically about suddenly identifying as transgender; it was a moment where I understood transition was the right direction for my life and there would be nothing in my way to live as true to myself as possible.

Before grade school I was treated like a girl by my older sister and was told i liked it and was warned by my older brother that if i keep doing that I would become a girl.  Dang i wish he had been right.  Somewhere inside of me I just knew that i was going to grow up and be a mom and have babies.  And then puberty hit and my feminine shadow life began.  I have been bisexual all my life and part of the gay world since i was an adult.  I considered myself a fairy and androgynous with long hair and other ways of being girly.  I met some transgender people that reinforced my internalized transphobia while the binary and passing perspectives reinforced my fear that I couldn't transition successfully.  I tried and failed and denied myself for another 20 years.  We can be all kinds of busy but being trans with dysphoria doesn't go away as we all seem to now know.  It is almost embarrassing to say but i did not accept myself as transgender until I was 60 years old.  From this ancient perspective I advise anyone with persistent gender issues to work through it.   Discovering our true self can take a lifetime.

Under 22, that I -knew- I was TS, I suspected it much earlier(I was CDing around six), but didn't -know-.

I was 4 years old when I realized, of course I didn't know the word "transgender". I just knew I was not a female and I kept telling my parents I was a boy. I presented myself in kindergarten as a boy with the same male name I use now. I wear boyish clothes since then. I never felt I was a girl.

Well, like a lot of other people have mentioned, I knew something was "off" when I was 4 or 5, but I didn't understand exactly what it was.  The epiphany didn't happen until I was 9 or 10 that I wanted to be a girl.  It was a couple of years after that before I began to actually learn about transsexualism and understand how it applied to me.

So, I guess my answer lies somewhere between 4 and 12...  :laugh:   

I had trans friends in high school, but it wasn't until much later, when I was in college, that I began to question my own gender identity. I mean, in retrospect, you could say there were signs as a kid, but all so backedited I can't even remember what I actually used to feel. I definitely wasn't someone who knew from four, or even from puberty, tho.

But yeah, as a freshman in college, my cis female friend mentioned that she'd always wanted to have a penis, and I was like ?!?!? Oh my god??? Me too!!!! For her it was sort of a sexual thing, a fantasy that didn't particularly linger, but man, I was not able to shake the thought. I bought my first packer that year, ostensibly for "drag performance." I got, uh, way too into the thought of drag. Like, I'd spend hours and hours alone in my room, listening to "Andrew In Drag," packing, binding, and staring at myself in the mirror.

BUT I STILL ASSUMED I WAS CIS. GOD FRIGGIN HELP ME. It wasn't until year later, when I was talking to a friend of mine, who is nb trans, that I sorta... came out to myself. They were chatting with me on skype, and I had accidentally misgendered them. They gently corrected me, "actually, I'm not a girl..." And I just blurted out

"Neither am I!" I was 20.

First recall wanting to be a girl around 3 or 4.  Decided to transition last month at age 29.

When I was 12 and in the sixth grade. I've kind of been in denial about it up until about a month ago but now I feel like there is no way that I could possibly live as a man.

Just realised this year, at 27. Looking back though it makes sense of a lot of feeling I had much earlier.

I accepted I am most likely trans recently. Looking back I knew very young I wanted something different but never knew what that was.

When I was 5 YO a very beautiful woman did my makeup for a figure skating event. I can still smell her perfume and remember her telling me how great I looked with it on and that I had perfect lashes. I can't describe how amazing it felt having mascara, lipstick and eyeshadow on my face that day. I still have the pictures to be honest. I remember asking my mom to do my makeup a few days later but having her tell me that only girls wear makeup and I was a boy, and when they did my makeup it was "just for fun". Well, it was "just for fun" (fun that happens every day now ;))

Ever since that day I was jealous of girls and the "fun" they are allowed to have just for being born with the right gender. Also, my sister and her friends painted my nails sometime around here as well. That feeling of having my nails painted and the tightness of the polish drying on my fingers was so cool and I remember it being the best feeling. Again my soul was crushed when I kept being told that this was only for girls. I didn't listen and secretly started doing my nails around 9 or 10 years of age. From this age on I recall being more interested in makeup, polish and fashion than "guy things." A secret probably not so secret in retrospect. Growing my hair out at 13 to my shoulders and buying makeup from the local drugstore in a small town probably betrayed my hidden passion, but I somehow still managed to be in denial until recently.

Now in my 30's and typing this with my fingers blue and staring at my pink toes, I still feel excluded from this special club as the fingers blue will come off in the morning before I start my day and my toes will be hidden from everyone but my wife.

I want so much to be a part of the club that gets to have "fun everyday."

I am 40. Just now letting myself change. I knew ever since I learned that the computers were watching me / us. (late 70s). Well, thats when I knew for sure. But I hid it.  Knowing that the computers can use use facial features, gait, mannerisms, vocal patterns, eye responses and many other techniques to identify people and their interests. Knowing also that the computers have the capabilities to store and retrieve that data better than any human that you come in contact with. (a confused human will forget you after time) Knowing how computers would advance over time. Thinking about the computers ability to observe and classify people into groups. I then questioned which group I would classify into. I knew I was girlish or maybe even alien. ( RIP Mork "Robin Williams") I knew society at that time would not accept it. "80s" I even told therapists how I felt (yes, as both girl and alien), but back then "OH BOY! We are not talking about this here...!" So I mimicked my male friends, added a bit of clown/alien/scientist and blended the best I could for 30+ years. If Doctor Who regenerated into a girl with a penis... that would be me! Brilliant! Looking back now, I never could get the male act down right... People always said I was strange, weird, trippy, insightful, and crazy smart. I am now 40, and I realize I don't want to act anymore. No more pretending. My body is changing again on its own now, and I am to old to stop it. I know with the latest in forensic technologies and recognition software, I can no longer hide my dominant girl side from the computer. IT knows and I will forever be classified. There are so many devices watching now, and they will only become more prevalent. I am working on recognition software for a few companies. (I can't give too many details since I am under NDA) What I can say is that these latest technology and techniques classify me as a female 90% of the time, even thru clothing. I can try to walk different or stand and sit like a guy but it is uncomfortable. I can scowl and frown and throw the face scanners off make it register as male, but doing that for years has left sad lines on my face. This last year, I started taking care of my body and my face/skin. Something I neglected since my late teens. To fit in as a guy, I always had to look crappy / grungy (worked out good in the 90s). Getting healthy and making myself look good now was like peeling away a mask. Underneath is this beautiful woman / alien. I have been hiding her so long. I did have many fun times throughout the years and I don't regret any of it. If I could go back in time and transition in my teens, I don't think I would do it. Times were different back then, and I experienced so many wonderful crazy things. Things that make me who I am now. I would like to think I paved the path for others who did do not quite fit in. I walked around with my long hair and my hat and trench coat, spreading joy where ever I went.  Sure I got picked on some, but I would turn it around into something funny. Usually the people picking on me became my friends. I am glad things are changing now for those deeply in dysphoria. There are people willing to talk about it now. There is more evidence now that this can stem from chemicals or other exposures that happened during our mothers pregnancy or our early childhoods. More evidence that this phenomenon is happening across multiple species. More evidence that this is happening more often these days. Some day I hope there will be no more shame and no more reason to hide for anyone who is born with the wrong gender.

Love,

I knew I was different to my friends when I was a teenager, but I had no idea why or exactly how I was different. I just was. I suppressed all thoughts I had of being a girl whilst a young adult and only when I was 34 truly came to terms and accepted my true self.

34-ish

I hate to think like this, but when I hear other trans folks talking about how they've always known they were trans, I feel like I'm "not a true trans person" or "not trans enough" because I realized/accepted my trans status at a later time in my life (age 20).
I know it's silly to think that way, though.

4

Quote from: Mitchell the Deathbell on October 12, 2014, 12:24:59 AM
I hate to think like this, but when I hear other trans folks talking about how they've always known they were trans, I feel like I'm "not a true trans person" or "not trans enough" because I realized/accepted my trans status at a later time in my life (age 20).
I know it's silly to think that way, though.

Don't think that way, sweetie. I promise you there are a TON of trans people who realized later in life. And it doesn't change a thing.

I always get jealous of the trans girls who dressed up in girl clothes when they were younger, or tried on makeup. I would have been such a cute little girl... *sigh*

Quote from: Pikachu on October 12, 2014, 01:15:33 AM
I always get jealous of the trans girls who dressed up in girl clothes when they were younger, or tried on makeup. I would have been such a cute little girl... *sigh*

Well, it wasn't so fun when you got busted afterwards. I was never whooped for it. But I always got bitched out. But I didn't really care at the time and I just kept doing it anyway. That was until age 12 where I finally gave up. Then I just began to hate myself, life and everyone around me. It especially sucked that I couldn't have long hair. The ironic thing was that my parents assumed that it was due to the fact that I had just begun to listen to all of these speed metal bands.  :D Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I haven't voted in this poll because I don't really know how to.  It's hard for me to say whether or not I knew I was trans.  There were times in my teens, again in my 20's, again in my 30's when I could have faced up to my issues if I'd chosen to.  But I chose not to, and I'm pretty good at keeping things buried.  It was only a few years ago that I finally admitted to myself that I'm trans.  What a waste of a life.

I was 21.  It was actually because of nursing school: we were discussing in class different types of surgeries, and I got curious and decided to Google SRS.  That lead to reading about trans individuals... then watching YouTube transition slideshows... then reading testimonials...

Then there was a huge "OOOOOOOHHHHHHH THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF ALL THE TIME!" moment.  For once in my life, the depression, the self-loathing, always wanting to play with dolls, always wanting to dress up, and self-esteem that frequently bumped the ocean floor made sense.  Been a different (better) person since then. :)

Toodles from TN,
Ales

I have always felt some sort of dysphoria for as long as I can remember, so probably 6 or 7 years old.   As for how old I was when I realized I am trans, that moment of self acceptance and realization came earlier this year at age 36.