How can I convince my wife that this dysphoria does not have an off switch? She told me today that if I would stop visiting the support sites and researching it then it will diminish and maybe even go away. I am so tired or arguing with her over this. What to do?
This would be the point that you will soon have to make a decision because it does not go away. I can tell you it gets worse every minute of everyday. I see a hard road ahead of you, but the decision must be yours. I could sign off this site forever and be in worse shape because I would have no one who understood Dysphoria to talk to. Hard choices will have to be made. Please get a Therapist as many of us here have done and go from there. It is possible that low dose HRT can help with Dysphoria, but I have to warn you, in most cases it feels so good to finally be normal that it is had to stop there. Only my opinion though. :)
Thanks Jessica,
I nave a therapist and i have been thinking about talking to her about HRT, I just was unsure if it was for me or not, as I was unsure as to the effects, but I asked on here the other day and I got a lot of useful information.
I just wish that she could be the supportive person for me as I have seen her do for other people throughout her life, but how she will be in the spotlight or closet, however you want to call it.
Davida, I'm brand new here as well and I know how you feel about the attitude of stay away and the thoughts will disappear. I do understand that for many of our significant others, there is such a devastating feeling of loss and at least in the case of my wife, absolute anger, that logic, reasoning and truth fly out the window.
It sounds like your wife may be trying to understand but just doesn't get it. If things are at a conversation level, perhaps the SO area here might help her. I ordered my wife some books and if your wife is open minded at all, a book might help (though I'm not a good judge of which books to recommend).
It seems fairly obvious that your wife is fervently hoping your thoughts about TG, specifically about dysphoria or any other issues, will simply go away. Again, I'm brand new here and have only understood that I'm TG for a month tops. I do know that I haven't been 'recruited' by coming here and looking for information; I haven't 'caught' anything; and my life (and yours) will never be the same again. While there will be tough times, I at least am confident that though my losses will be great, I will ultimately be able to live as the person I truly am.
I wish you the absolute best and certainly hope your wife loves you enough to grow in her thinking and understanding.
Paula
Perhaps you could ask your wife to meet your therapist. Having an independent expert explain things to her might help her understand. It worked for me. What happens if next if she does understand is the big question.
I tried making the dysphoria go away. I bought leather jackets and boots and tried to be the stereo typical male. Sometimes I succeeded in making the feelings go away...for a while. After a while though they would come back and they would come back stronger. I would begin to dress, switch shampoos and deodorants and let my female side out. Then I would purge, throw it all in the trash and tell myself that those feelings would never come back. The only thing that never came back was the money I wasted when I threw all those clothes and other female things away. I'm sorry that as Jessica said the road ahead is a rough one for you. Hang in there.
I always thought of dysphoria as having to wear a really uncomfortable and embarrassing garment everyday. It just gets itchier and harder to deal with as time goes by. You can try to cover it up but its always still there. Thats how I describe it at least.
Dysphoria is never fun. I've found passing is the best way to get rid of the bad feelings- easier said than done unfortunately. The only thing I can suggest is to find something that's fun/challenging enough to distract you when the dysphoria gets really bad.
the feelings may go away for a while, but they'll usually come back with a vengeance if you've been trying to suppress them.
i have been unable to transition for a few years already. hopefully this will change soon, but i don't know how soon that might be.
the trans feelings have been there all the time, even when i was away from every site where my gender identity was validated, for months.
in the end, i always come back here when the feeling becomes too overwhelming, and i start losing grip on my sanity.
what if you both lived in a house that was painted in the most embarrassing colors and patterns, and even with some really odd architectural structures that don't serve much function. you don't really mind it much, maybe you even feel some affection for it because it's an old house, but your wife thinks it's uglier than hell. you don't have a choice but to live there, because there are no other houses, but at least it's yours to do with as you want. how long could you keep your wife from changing your home to one that is more comfortable for her to live in?
try explaining to her that the house is your body, and that it really does feel at least that uncomfortable for you to live in, so you'd rather have a little remake done on it. this one worked on another spouse of a trans individual, might work for you too.
Your wife sounds like my dad;
stop being depressed and you'll feel better
or my teachers in middle school:
stop being clumsy and you'll fix your dyspraxia
she clearly doesn't understand at all, and you should arrange for her to talk to your therapist so she can better understand
Thank all of you for the advice. My wife has met all of my therapist and has had at least one of them has tried to explaintoher that I have no control over these thoughts and feelings, but she just can non understand how I could be as she sees it, happy Iin our relationship for 14 years and then relise that I should have been a woman. Which I get as when I started having these feelings I was and still am confused, but I have no choice in the matter. I fell that my only option is to expirment with all of this and find a place that I can start liking myself again, at least.
She keeps making comments like
A real woman would know, that water that is to hot in the shower is not good for the skin.
A real woman does not have to shave her thighs and buttocks.
You say that you feel like a woman and then you wake me up poking me with a hardon, women don't get hardons.
How do I deal with that and be happy? Now I am going to see a psychiatrist and get on some form of anxiety meds. Is that going to help me to answer her questions or am I just not going to care when she leaves me. I love my wife and do not want to hurt her or see her in distress, I have told her that when she has had enough and leaves I will harbor no hard feelings toward her.
On another note, she told me the other day that if we seprate that our 15 year old daughter would have to live with her as she would be exposed to enough of "THAT" lifestyle and "THOSE PEOPLE" when she visites. My daughter does not want to live with her as she says that she never listens to her or allowes her to express herself. I believe that transition is a difficult proces and can be trying, but I believe that I should still be able to raise a 15 yearold who is aware of my trans gender status and said that if that is what is going to make you happy then you should do it. I ask her if she would go shopping with me dressed and she said she would be honored and it sounds fun.
Davida,
Again, I'm a little new at this to be much help, but I can certainly say I understand a lot of what you are saying. Your wife is not getting over the loss of her husband. She can't understand, I suspect in part because she doesn't want to understand. This can't be happening to her. She's angry at you for taking away the husband she thought she had. My wife is very angry as well and is trying to control anything she possibly can in what is for both of us a shattered relationship.
Maybe our wives will come around, accept who we are, and work with us instead of against us to work creatively to develop a new relationship. Maybe they won't. While apparently many spouses can accept a transgender marriage partner, many others simply can't. I can only hope the best for you and your wife as your relationship either rebuilds or crumbles.
I don't know the law at all so I don't know how much input your daughter might have as to who she might live with if you were to be divorced. I suspect and hope she'd have some say. She sounds like a lovely daughter and one you should be proud to have fathered. Regardless of what your wife might pull off legally, she can't change your daughter's heart; hold that thought and the hope that one day soon she might go shopping with you. How wonderful that would be.
Confused feelings? Well of course! I'm only about a month off from an amazing and shocking self-discovery. My feelings and thoughts are ALL over the place! I know I'm TG. I can't be TG. I'm so very happy to have discovered who I really am. Ugh, this is so, so horrible! How can this be happening to me? I love my wife and I want the marriage to continue. I'm seeing some nasty stuff coming from my wife and I can understand why, but it hurts and I want it to stop. If that means divorce, so be it. Etc, etc.
Elation followed by self-doubt followed by...
I hate all these mixed feelings I'm having but I understand that that's where I am right now. I've got to sit with it and deal with it. At the same time I know I can't just rush into this, but I can't wait to move forward.
I've found this place to be so incredibly supportive; I hope you do as well. We all need to lean on each other. I've been told over and over - GET A SUPPORT NETWORK!!! I'm believing them and working on that. I may be here for the rest of my life and I would be happy in that! But more importantly, I've made contact with a support group locally and will start attending their meetings and hopefully meeting some people who understand what we are all going through. An incredibly beautiful, thoughtful and loving woman on this site went to a fair amount of trouble to meet with me in person. She sat with me for two hours as I poured out my heart and she supported me, as well as giving me some very helpful thoughts.
This is all to say, perhaps it's time for you to find other voices in your life. Reach out for a local support network - you may have to work at finding one and sadly I guess there are areas of the country where they are few and far between - but look! Listen to the voices that you personally find helpful and supportive and while you should and must continue to listen to your wife, don't let her convince you of things you know in your heart to be false.
We have NO idea what our future will hold; we may not know exactly where to go even in our next step, but there is help around you. I don't know how, but I do know I'll be OK. With some help and support, I know you can be OK as well. Don't give up who you know yourself to be. Doubt can be a good place to visit, but whatever you do, don't live there. Move into the certainty that is somewhere within your heart and soul.
Older TG
You say that you have only been dealing with it for about a month, but you are full of wisdom and good advice. Know that your replies are read and processed throughtly as I need all the information I can cram into my head, and all of theadvice I can get. Advice is always good as there might besomething that I have not tried or thought of, that just might lead to the goal I am tryinf to reach.
Confused seems like such a small word in the things that are going through my head at times. I still fight with the happy I am trans and the oh s@#$, how could that be. When I think that one day I may be able to be the woman I feel inside I get so excited, and when I look in the mirror and what I am today I get sick to my stomach, then I get in the shower and try to wash it away, and just cry because there is nothing I can do right that moment.
This site is is a great place for me to be as I feel that no matter what I say nobody will judge me. I can say truthfully how I feel and someone else has the same feelings or emotions. I have heard some really instresting thoughts and advice from some great people, who do not even know who I am, but they talk to me as if they have known me all their lives. That in itself has made my life a little easier to live and detered the suicidal thoughts.
Again I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and replying.
Quote from: Christy on September 21, 2014, 08:06:25 PM
I tried making the dysphoria go away. I bought leather jackets and boots and tried to be the stereo typical male. Sometimes I succeeded in making the feelings go away...for a while. After a while though they would come back and they would come back stronger.
Quote from: Taka on September 22, 2014, 02:33:02 AM
the feelings may go away for a while, but they'll usually come back with a vengeance if you've been trying to suppress them.
I can relate to this, I thought I could just force manliness by thinking about manly things, and staying away from susan's, I tried to block that feminine part of me, but look at me now, I'm back here, and my dysphoria is at it's peak. I'm not feeling very comfortable right now, but a few hours a day on here certainly helps me. I realize now that I don't even have to post here, just reading about other trans people makes me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that there are others out there like myself. I'm so cranky and bitter when I try to force my feminine side into hiding, This dysphoria won't go away, i have to learn to deal with it and keep it in check.
Quote from: Davida on September 23, 2014, 02:07:03 PM
Confused seems like such a small word in the things that are going through my head at times.
I wish I was just confused, :), the word cannot do justice to what people with gender dysphoria go through.
QuoteI still fight with the happy I am trans and the oh s@#$, how could that be.
I'm still in disbelief. I don't 'hate' being trans, but It's a strange feeling being in the closet about being trans.
QuoteWhen I think that one day I may be able to be the woman I feel inside I get so excited,
It sort of keeps me going to be honest, I have hope that someday I'll feel alright on the outside.
Quoteand when I look in the mirror and what I am today I get sick to my stomach, then I get in the shower and try to wash it away, and just cry because there is nothing I can do right that moment.
I hate mirrors and reflective surfaces of any kind, as I was typing this up on my laptop, I could see my reflection on the screen, so I kinda tilted the screen sideways, so I see something else reflecting of it, lol.
QuoteThis site is is a great place for me to be as I feel that no matter what I say nobody will judge me. I can say truthfully how I feel and someone else has the same feelings or emotions. I have heard some really instresting thoughts and advice from some great people, who do not even know who I am, but they talk to me as if they have known me all their lives. That in itself has made my life a little easier to live and detered the suicidal thoughts.
Again I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and replying.
I feel safe here, and you don't have to know someone personally to know what they're going through. When I read your posts, I think I can feel what you feel because I can relate to a lot of what you said in your posts. We're all looking for people to relate to, even if my dysphoria isn't the same as yours, (even if no two peoples' dysphoria can be the same).
I literally facepalmed at your original post (from what your wife said to you).
It sounds like things are still going somewhere, somewhere that isn't necessarily good.
Here's a bit of advice my therapist gave me (I'm married). Your spouse feels like she's losing the man she married. It's probably scary for her and she's trying to process it the only way she knows how. And trying to stop it, too.
Not saying it's your responsibility to change anything for her, it's just something to keep in mind. My hope was that it would give you more insight into her reactions, nothing more. It's going to be hard for both of you, but you have to do what YOU have to do. (That's what I keep telling myself...)