Hey there,
I wasn't really sure where to post or find a section about coming out (so please feel free to refer me to there if that is more appropriate).. but I wanted to talk a little bit about my recent coming out experience and would love to hear other people's experiences.
I was born a female. A few days ago I came out to my boyfriend as not identifying as one. I told him (cisgendered straight male) about my genderdysphoria. I tried to refrain from using any labels (because I don't completely identify with any of them yet, it is too early for me) and just tried to explain to him about the dysphoria I have been experiencing all my life and about the whole 'gender spectrum' (that there is more than just male and female, that you can also be somewhere inbetween -and that I place myself there for now).
Some things he told me that he specifically had problems with were:
"I wish you would have waited longer to tell me, until you knew better/for sure what it is that you want for yourself, so I would know how to deal with it better"
My reply was:
"I felt like I couldn't find out what it is what I need (to change), until I talked about it with someone and until I am more free to experiment with the way I present, to experience what it is I actually feel comfortable with."
The next day he took the initiave to educate himself a little bit more on the subject (I guided him a bit with certain terms). Unfortunately this made him freak out even more. He had asked me what was a step I would like to take or change and I had told him for now I mostly just wanted to try and bind on a more regular basis (I have only binded a few times before when I was completely alone). To which his repsonse was: "every cell in my body tells me to run right now."
It has been three days now since I told him and we are still managing. He clearly needs more time (and so do I). I tried to make clear to him that I don't know if I am trans, that possibly in the future nothing will change at all/things will go back to "normal".. but that I won't know for sure until I can experiment a bit more. Next to this being the truth for me right now too, I also assumed this would be easier for him, but maybe it is the insecurity that is killing him. Like he said himself: "Maybe first it is the binding, but I don't know how far you will take it in the future".
A big problem for me right now is that my dysphoria is skyrocketing. With my mind so focussed on the whole subject because of the coming out and being extremely self aware of my body in the last few days because of the changes in dynamics in our relationship, intimacy and sexlife, I am going slightly crazy here. This morning I ended up bursting out in tears in the shower and the little changes I feel I can make now without making my boyfriend freak out completely, suddenly don't seem sufficient anymore. I know we need a loooot more time.. I know it is still fresh.. I really hope in the next few weeks or months (crossing my fingers that we will make it through that time) we will be able to find a balance with me experimenting a bit more without him freaking out completely. That he realises it is still me. A me that is much more comfortable and happy, hopefully..
But yeah. Right now I still feel very alone and trapped. I am relieved that for the first time I have voiced this part of me, out loud, to a person that means so much to me. So far he is the only one that knows and I am not sure if I am ready to speak with others about it yet. But the dysphoria is driving me crazy and to tears and I can not seem to put my mind to something else. I actually had a really good month full of stuff to do and with little dysphoria. The timing for my coming out also came during a calm state and not in a desperate moment (which I think was a good thing). I just felt like I needed to tell at some point. I realised this '->-bleeped-<-' was not going to go any time soon or probably ever and that it was only fair to share it with him, since there was some things he never understood about me and I influence the relationship with my dysphoria and moodswings.
I just needed to get this out. Hope it is fine to just have a rant here.. And I would love to hear from other people how their dysphoria was right after coming out (better or worse or just all over the place) and how they dealt with this. Of course any advice to make things easier to understand for ze boyfriend would be very much welcome too, or ways I can be there for him... I don't know.. anything would be helpful!
Thank you
Welcome Treefrog to Susan's family.
Gender therapist fir you and some therapist fir your BF to help his fears
Relationships are one of the things that has to do so much changing to accept sometimes it breaks.
Day at a time, step at a time is best way to approach this new GI or GD life.
Hugs
Izzy
Thanks for your reply! That is definitely something I am considering. Unfortunately it will be very complicated to make that happen, because I don't speak the language of the country I live in fluently enough to discuss something like this, and even in the native language it is hard enough to find gender therapists here I believe :/
But I am going to look into it more...