Hello everyone,
this is X.
Yeah, don't mind my nick, it's just that I don't really have a name (still, for the time being), apart the one my parents gave to me when I was born.
So I will be X for the time being (but I'll accept names, if you like to give me one ;) )
Today I need to talk with someone that can understand me, or get near to it.
So I will write here, but not only for me. I would like to share a little piece of my life, but also be a moment and a place were you girls, boys, and * can write and share about yourself.
Long story short, it has been 3 full months I know who I am (more or less), and I actually identify a transgender woman (heterosexual/bisexual, but that's not important...for now), I'm Italian, 32 y.o., and... in Portugal for a PhD in Informatics Engineering that is almost finishing (I'm writing my dissertation).
The point is: what am I doing here?. I found myself in this question since the first year of my PhD. And now I found two answers:
1) I was not conscious about myself... up to 3 months ago
2) I started my PhD because I wished to demonstrate to myself and to the others that I was intelligent, that I was different from the others and able to do difficult things (yep, and guess what? Now I found myself... no more "am I stupid?"-related problems any more. This strongly depend on how much I was understanding the world around me...self-consciousness included, etc.)
I come from a lower-middle-class family, I had the possibility to study, and I started my studies years ago because I spent most of my childhood time playing videogames. Yep, I was kinda sleepy during the pre-adolescence... and the adolescence was not better (and not really feeling strong dysphoria back those days).
During the high school I liked maths and sciences. Computer + Maths = Informatic Engineering. This was my way to think until... 3 months ago.
Now, everything is changed. I finally feel.
And I wonder... what am I doing here.
I cannot accept how much time I wasted. I cannot accept to be doing what I'm doing. Yes, I did it for 5 long years, trying to imitate-understand myself-getting into the 30s-try to figure out what to do with my life-etc.
It was tough, and still is.
The other point is: am I up with this? Do I like what I do? And, girl, you're doing a PhD, and learnt maths (ok, that I actually like), and engineering and stuff. And you're getting a PhD. But is like you woke up from a dream.
And a detail: you are a transgender person that is going to change (dunno how much) in the next months and years.
I feel unmotivated, sad, lonely, and fear that I'm working for nothing. I'm tired of what I'm doing, dunno if to come back to my home, and if to change something and when, and if I can actually do it.
Now, I know that someone of you can say things... but I'm what I am, and thinking about this.
And I'm here to talk to whomever wants to talk with me, and scream, and share something.
I need to feel the world around me, no matter what.
(And yes, I've got just one friend here that knows everything about me, and my sister at home, back in Italy)
Thanks for you time, comprehension and willing to share something with this X transgender woman :)
X
Writing a PhD thesis is scary at the best of times. Discovering more about yourself at the same time is very disorientating and only adds to the stress. I did my PhD (biomedical engineering) first, although I knew I was already transgender, but was not accepting of myself at the time. It helped to be able to focus and say - get this thesis over and done with. And mine kept being delayed because supervisor was sending me in all directions. Yay. I started gender therapy once the thesis was completed - it was in my old name, but I have a new certificate now.
You have got this far - you can finish it. 3-5 months is a long time when in mental turmoil - and a counsillor or therapist can help. Or summon the strength to acknowledge who you are (as you are doing) and then focus on the writing. I should add that I almost quit my thesis 2-3 times but each time found a solution. Working 50% for a month because of the supervisor... Which helped.
And a good scream and shout is always very useful! Just make sure if people hear you they know you are letting off steam. Julia-in-Madrid can probably provide more info about being transgender in Spain - but I she is traveling this week.
Hello... what is your name?
Nice to meet you :) and thanks for the reply, I really appreciate your point of view.
Well, my mental turmoil is something that I think I can keep away from the work.
The fact is that I feel strange when finding myself here, doing this stuff. Dunno if I like it, dunno if not. Just scared, like someone send me in some place as an alter ego, told me what to do, and now... I have no more necessity of imitating, but be myself.
I think like an alter ego of a king that is trying to become the king, knowing that the real king is dead.
Sort of...
As I said, I just want to share my feelings.
I think that support is important, even if no one have something to say, or solutions.
Thinking about it, I have solutions and strength.
I just want to share, and feel.
Anyway, thank you for the contact. Madrid is kind of far away from here, but in the case I go there I will use your precious information. Thanks!
Well X
I'm a "mel" and love yoga and hanging upside down. Hence monkey. But as I'm 8 weeks post op the yoga and exercise and ballet is on hold... For now.
I re-read your post and forgot to say welcome here... I'm sure a mod will pop along shortly and add some notes about terms and conditions... They are nice like that.
With regards to a name. I didn't have one even after starting anti~T pills. The name came clearly one night - about 2am. And I was calm and content and knew it was right. That was at age 38... The PhD over when I was 34. I just needed to take my time.
A disoriented feeling can be natural, hence a therapist is good to help you work out where you really are. And to make sure that you are well grounded. Meditation or deep muscle massage can help you with this. Allowing your ego and spirit and brain and body to communicate on a deeper level. There are other esoteric ways like Reiki, but you need to be open to them. Me - I am an older version of the girl I always saw when I closed my eyes and thought of my private space.
And sharing here has made me realize it is also helping my post operative therapy.
Well, nice to meet you "mel" ;)
And thanks for your words :)
Welcome to the forums, we're here to help and share through the good times and the bad.
I'm glad you found yourself, it's the biggest step in your journey but far from the last.
Best wishes and I hope to see you around.
Thanks Antonia!
A kiss!
Get that PhD!! And transition anyway! Show the world that you are a smart, intelligent, and capable woman! Believe in yourself!
You've proven you can do the hard things. You'll be as successful at transition as you've been with your PhD. Just stick with it!
Thesis on the go. Easy mode :)
Thanks to all!!! :D
Hello everyone :-)
I'm still stuck in the thesis, but maybe it will be over next month.
I let a lot of things go during these months, among which my parents. They know everything now. Not easy, of course. But they are alive...
My mother this morning sent me an Italian newspaper article (I'm Italian :-)) about a transgender woman and the acceptance story of her mother. I hope this is an opening of her about me...
Meanwhile it is being a nightmare. I'm working as the male PhD student, now in Budapest for two months. It's too much... Some times I need to come out, some others just come back home and fix the things I found about myself...
Thanks to everyone.
A kiss,
I.
Inviato dal mio 6043D utilizzando Tapatalk
I discovered myself at 13 and came out at 23. In that time I learned computer programming with some electronic engineering tossed in the mix. That has supported me, payed my medical cost and provided for my retirement account. I have worked in programming both as a man and a woman for 40 years. Job were physical strength isn't required tend to be open to both genders and with better educated people you have fewer issues with the transition process. Finish your degree then we will work on finishing you.
Hello everyone :)
I am here to share with you a wonderful new: I finally, successfully completed my PhD in Computer Science in Portugal with the highest possible result: magna cum laude.
A first nightmare has ended...
I would like to sincerely thank all of you that supported me in these months, and show me that I'm not alone.
Now I want only to go away from here (still I don't know how to relate with the people with whom I shared this difficult path) and start my life. Easy to think about, but in practice...?
Good news: I have some money saved and will start psychological therapy at my hometown.
Thanks everyone! So long!
Kisses,
I.
Inviato dal mio 6043D utilizzando Tapatalk
Yay! So happy for you :) makes me feel motivated to get my PhD done lol.