After taking small first steps dipping my toes in the waters of transition this spring, I got bogged down in depression this summer. This past month, I began forcing myself to start moving forward again, and things were getting better. Then tonight hit, and wow, the pain is just so bad. All i can think about is how much I hate being a boy, and I cannot stop crying. What do you all do to get through the short intense emotional bouts of despair and sadness caused by dysphoria?
It hit me this morning, I just cried to myself while laying in my bed thinking how much I hated being a girl. What I do during these times is listen to my favorite songs, write about how I feel and comfort myself because no one else will.
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Quote from: Marcellow on September 26, 2014, 10:58:15 PM
comfort myself because no one else will.
This line made me so sad :(. 1. Because I can totally relate. 2. Because I absolutely hate that someone has to feel this way too. *hugs*
Quote from: Kylie on September 26, 2014, 10:52:18 PM
After taking small first steps dipping my toes in the waters of transition this spring, I got bogged down in depression this summer. This past month, I began forcing myself to start moving forward again, and things were getting better. Then tonight hit, and wow, the pain is just so bad. All i can think about is how much I hate being a boy, and I cannot stop crying. What do you all do to get through the short intense emotional bouts of despair and sadness caused by dysphoria?
I know how you feel I've been alone in my transition for over a year. I'm by myself and support myself. You just have to look forward to what you want to achieve. I smoke a bowl of mary jane when I need some help through the day.
I take a nap. I had a rough day this week, and sleeping it away got me through it. I got up late in the afternoon and honestly felt better enough to get through the rest of the day.
I have a me thing I do for myself.
It has been part of my tool box since long ago when I started therapy and transition.
Everyone needs that walk away and do some thing special for you.
So find your me time and keep it in the top if your tools to deal with the blah days.
Hugs
Typically I come here and get even more angry at the world.
I don't even know if I'm trans or something else but I can totally understand ur pain and empathise with you. Be strong and realize there is an entire community of 1M+ or more supporting you :-)
Lots of alcohol and shopping. Maybe not the best but. That's what I do
This has been a lot less since I went FT and the relief has been so incredible, but I crawled through depression after depression before hand. I ended up on medication which did help, exercise was a blessing particularly to loud rock which forced me not to think. I have a few friends who say meditation really helps them.
Also just posting here and getting hugs from people, knowing I was not alone, knowing others overcame it with transition, really did help when the black dog was roaming and I was hidden under the bedclothes screaming at my demons.
So Hugs Honey, just try to keep taking step by step
:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Those really bad days are something of the past thankfully, but I remember them vividly. :(
I hate to say, but I turned to anti-depressants a long time ago to help take the edge off the lows. They didn't stop me feeling down on those bad days, but did make it somehow more bearable to get through compared to no anti-depressants. But I guess that is all on the physiology side.
I think what really got me through inside was knowing that times like that were going to become a thing of the past as I continued transition.
Initially food and booze. Both are bad ideas.
Keeping busy with what I call some brain dead job that needed doing. THe point being it is an activity you do not have to be totally focused on, almost automatic. Just burns off some physical energy and keeps you out of that death spiral negative self talk that feeds the depression. Yet still allows some little thinking, looking at of for the positive things you are doing, have done and will be doing.... in time.
But be warned, don't make this a lifestyle as I had. For some thirty plus years I relied on my 3Ds; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial; to keep me from addressing the underlying festering issue in my life that needed work.
Quote from: JoanneB on September 27, 2014, 07:31:39 AM
Initially food and booze. Both are bad ideas.
Keeping busy with what I call some brain dead job that needed doing. THe point being it is an activity you do not have to be totally focused on, almost automatic. Just burns off some physical energy and keeps you out of that death spiral negative self talk that feeds the depression. Yet still allows some little thinking, looking at of for the positive things you are doing, have done and will be doing.... in time.
But be warned, don't make this a lifestyle as I had. For some thirty plus years I relied on my 3Ds; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial; to keep me from addressing the underlying festering issue in my life that needed work.
Food and booze I can relate to. I do the hard yards losing weight in order to have a slimmer figure, then a wave of sadness or depression hits, and it's either over eating, or alcohol, that undoes the good work.
Thank you all for the suggestions. Soon after I posted, I became so emotionally and physically drained that I laid down to read and went right to sleep. I am still a little weepy and feeling dull today, but I am a million times better than last night. Going to force myself to workout after work and hopefully get some endorphins flowing.
See what I mean? Never underestimate the power of a good nap. :)
And I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.
Music, food, and naps are how I cope with the rough days, but sometimes I will mix movies in as well.
Get out into sunlight. Go to a park, get sunlight and just focus on breathing. Don't think about anything but breathing in and out, don't worry if you don't succeed just try.
Also smile, even if you feel that you will never smile again at least try. Smiling tricks the mind into improving your mood.
Don't worry about feeling depressed don't worry if things don't seem to improve your mood just try.
Also don't worry about tomorrow just get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.
I rarely cry so when I feel down I watch a movie or series knowing I will tear up, just to let it all flow :p.
+1 for napping! I've been exchausted and not able to get myself out of the bed some (most) days for a couple of months now, but today I realized it might be getting better. Still, nap=win. It's like recovering from a zombie state and becoming myself again.
I read forums and share my own experiences. When I'm sad I feel like my opinion is not worth anything. When I can add my two cents to something I care about I feel that I matter. I feel more connected, less alone. I've written hundreds of pages of my thoughts, which helps to clarify my thoughts but I don't get the feedback I need - so it's hard to get back to it.
Music. Ambient and chill. It reminds me that I don't have to perform right now. If there's a problem, I can come up with a solution but it doesn't have to be now. Mixcloud=win.
Friends. Online, mostly. Those very very few that I can tell that I've been really depressed and trust that they won't shy away.
Self-parenting. I tell myself that this is ok, what I'm feeling is ok. I might be scared or something, but I'll be ok. This really wouldn't be possible without a good therapist. I only recently realized it is actually possible to hug yourself and feel comforted. I never learned that from my parents.
Pictures. Transition is a process with a beginning and an end, so it's really important I know what I'm suffering for. So I take pictures that I like and remind myself of what I want.
Comics. http://existentialcomics.com/comic/1
Cooking. If I have any energy to start it, the creative process of making good and healthy vegetarian food gives me a break from reality.
I also tried to down my depression in chocolate earlier. That got me a lot of kilos in a very short time. On the other hand, the period taught me what it means to really give up. And if I do that, then giving up becomes a solution in everything else, too. Full stop on chocolate and cookies for one month because I'm like an addict with that stuff.
Booze I learned earlier will not give me what I want. It's for the good times.
as mentioned no- brain activities that will distract you, I cook my own made up recipes :) this is my low time activity that if if I could pull my self out of bed and shut the brain off. It helps for the time I am doing it and depending on the result of that cooking session, if super good then I might feel better for longer time but if okay then I am even lower than where I started. :s
But knowing that this is all temporary and will only last as long as I let to make it easier at the end.