While being on here last couple of weeks has made me feel significantly better about being what I am I can't deny that seeing all you guys starting transition and even conpleting it really makes me wish I could as well. However doing so would mean losing the only family I have left and truly being alone which isn't so much scary for me as it is the fact that is have to leave my mother who I take care of. I'll spare he details but basically I know for certain that if I came out and started the process that would be it I'd be an orphan, have any of you guys dealt with anything like that? I'm becoming more scared of the future because I don't know how ill deal with that reality when it comes. How do you just leave it all behind?
I've dealt with something like that, but not because I'm trans.
I left my family's home for the last time when I was eighteen. It was probably easier for me than it would be for other people because, by that point, they had made my life a nightmare. It was still hard though. I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me and if I could make it. I was homeless for a year, but it turns out, it was one of the best things I ever did.
Then again, my family made it very easy to leave them all behind.
I already lost my sister, and she lets me know that evey day... She'snow pushing me to come out to mom and dad, so that they can hate me too, and maybe ally with her to stop me going in "the wrong direction". I wish it wasn't like this, but I will be alone next year.
I'm very close to abandoning my father. He really thinks I'm to blame for everything and when someone says I did something wrong, he sounds off "Oh, I knew it. She always did that crap, can't expect her to change." Whenever he hears the worst of me, he responds with "I told you so" and takes his anger out on my mother since we are on the silent treatment. On top of that, he wants to me study, get a job, move out and then transition. That's not going to be possible because that just leads to more problems since T doesn't work overnight, I could lose my job and there's no telling when I'll get another since it could be months before I start passing as male.
I'll write him a letter tonight but it's all on him what happens next. There's only so much I can do and we've never had a great relationship anyways since he's an insensitive jerk.
I'm written off. It's tough, but it's better than the alternative which would probably kill me. I'm not going running back with my tail between my legs.
I just never thought I'd be an orphan my dad's dead and idk is it ever okay? To not have family though in was never close with mine is it ever really okay to be without them? Even if they're disgusted by you
I'm okay with not having a family.
I'm more or less estranged from my family which is really tough because we all still live together. It was like this even before I came out to them though, coming out has just made it worse. I've always been the scapegoat of the family so it was probably destined to happen anyway, coming out just added more fuel to the fire and gave them an excuse to speed up the process of pushing me out of their lives. My dad has warned me that if I do decide to transition one day "then I'll still love you but it'll be over, you'll be cut off" so I probably will lose them completely but who knows. We've always stuck together despite all the dysfunction (which in the end was probably a bad thing) so they may come around once there's some distance between us and some time to think but I'm not going to hold my breath.
It is really sad and frightening to think of but I try to remind myself that at some point you just have to accept that you can't always control how other people react to you or treat you. My family can't change me into what they think I should be so if they would rather just get rid of me altogether, that's their choice, not mine. I give them every opportunity to be a part of my life and I make an effort to be a part of theirs. If they turn me down, that's on them. Usually it's very hard for me to come to terms with the thought of losing them, other times I just think "to hell with them then".
I have got quite lucky with my parents, they don't seem that bothered, maybe sometimes ignorant but its clear they still like me (well, hopefully. My younger brother seems OK with it, jokes about he is more manly than me haha. But I'm sure my older brother is going to be a right twat about it, but feck him.
I know it must hurt to have unaccepting parents, but just think, the only link you have to them is DNA, if you weren't related you probably couldn't care less about them. You don't owe them anything- one day the universe will end and none of this will matter, jus try and enjoy the hand you've been dealt.
Quote from: ScottyMac on September 28, 2014, 01:14:41 PM
I have got quite lucky with my parents, they don't seem that bothered, maybe sometimes ignorant but its clear they still like me (well, hopefully. My younger brother seems OK with it, jokes about he is more manly than me haha. But I'm sure my older brother is going to be a right twat about it, but feck him.
I know it must hurt to have unaccepting parents, but just think, the only link you have to them is DNA, if you weren't related you probably couldn't care less about them. You don't owe them anything- one day the universe will end and none of this will matter, jus try and enjoy the hand you've been dealt.
Contrary my friend I owe my mother my life literally I'd be dead or in jail without her so that is what makes the prospect of losing or even disappointing her completely gut ripping
Well it sounds like she is a good mum. Are you sure she won't be accepting of you? But even if she had kept you out of jail, don't feel guilty/like you owe her.
The best it's just this isn't how we were raised neither of us but definitely not her ha. She jokes about it since of my best friends recently started T she talks about it like it's be the worst thing to happen (her actual words) lmao guys she cant go one day without calling me her pretty girl anyways who wants to stick around when your hero looks at you disappointed or disgusted or like you're a stranger no?
Quote from: JHeron on September 28, 2014, 04:24:21 PM
The best it's just this isn't how we were raised neither of us but definitely not her ha. She jokes about it since of my best friends recently started T she talks about it like it's be the worst thing to happen (her actual words) lmao guys she cant go one day without calling me her pretty girl anyways who wants to stick around when your hero looks at you disappointed or disgusted or like you're a stranger no?
Some people are like that but then they act different when its their own blood. She may accept it.
I haven't talked to my parents in over 20 years. At this point in life it would pointless to try and reconnect, we have nothing in common except for my childhood. I haven't talked to my sister either. She has a family and 4 sons and I only know the oldest one and I saw there second oldest when he was a baby. The others I have never met. Again it would be like talking to a stranger now. I'm actually long over the "family bond" baloney stuff. I have my own "family" and I'm good, loved and happy.
I wasn't sure if my family would accept me or not seeing how they are very religious. They weren't happy but realized they couldn't stop me (I was in my 40s). They really didn't want me to "do anything". But I did anyway. They ultimately accepted me even though they really don't get it.
You never know how someone will react when you come out. We all prepare for the worst (disowning) but sometimes people do surprise us. And sometimes they do have a major freak out, then eventually come around.
Jay
People I owe it to remaining male - 0
Losses - Father, sister and daughter.
Still have - Mother, son and more friends than I thought possible.
Gains - Life, happiness, freedom and much better health.
Well I can only hope to one day be brave enough to find out I guess
I left home when I was 16 so I've essentially been an orphan since then. My husbands family "know" but they don't want to. My family... Eh. I couldn't really care. I wrote them off years ago, so when I was told "you're not a part of this family until you straighten up" and I told my dad "I left you first."
Contrary to how it sounds, I love my parents. I love my dad a lot. But, I'd rather love him as I am and never speak to him again than to speak to him every day and grow to hate him. My mother, she's sick, so I can't really hold anything against her.
By coming out, no, I haven't.
When I start transition, though...that's yet to be seen. I already know my mother is against me having surgery, and when I'm 18, I don't have a father. Bad as it sounds, I'm disowning him, and moving away.
Edit: Opps! I'm so so so so so so so sorry! I accidentally posted in the wrong forum! I didn't see this was female to male!
It was an accident! I'm a new member and I don't know my way around. ^_^;;
Quote from: ✰Fairy~Wishes✰ on September 29, 2014, 10:12:02 AM
Edit: Opps! I'm so so so so so so so sorry! I accidentally posted in the wrong forum! I didn't see this was female to male!
It was an accident! I'm a new member and I don't know my way around. ^_^;;
You can post here, if you'd like, from what I've seen! :) I don't think there's a restriction just because of your gender choice! :)
I have a similar situation with my mom, and it makes me hesitate to go on T.
I talked to a therapist and he said there are a lot of ways to be a male, and you don't necessarily have to be on T to dress and present that way. I know that for me it's something I want, but I can compromise about that for my mother's sake.
The main issue is having enough time away with people you can be yourself with. At least, that's what I'm finding. Wearing a binder and going to a weekly trans support group, hanging out with other people, having supportive friends who are 100% behind me... that's what has been really great.
I hope you can wrangle some of those resources for yourself (therapist, support group, good friends, new friends who know you as your true gender, time away from the oppressive home environment, etc).
It's possible to love someone and sacrifice for them. It's possible to love someone if you're not willing to sacrifice for them. It's possible to love someone and not communicate with them, and know that they love you even if they can't accept you. It's possible that your mother would be more accepting than it seems and things would turn out okay.
I'm trying to figure out these possibilities too.
Be aware that you're not alone.
Going through it right now myself. Unfortunately, I'm not really financially stable. I'm really unsure how you leave it all behind. If I stay, it's not going to be good for my mental health. If I leave, it might not be good for my financial stability and I'd deal with sadness from losing connection to my mom.
I really wish you luck. This is by far the worst part for any person transitioning. It's really hard to focus on the potential gains, when the only thing in front of you are the potential losses. I hope everything works out for each of you going through this.
Quote from: Abby Claire on September 29, 2014, 06:41:10 PM
Going through it right now myself. Unfortunately, I'm not really financially stable. I'm really unsure how you leave it all behind. If I stay, it's not going to be good for my mental health. If I leave, it might not be good for my financial stability and I'd deal with sadness from losing connection to my mom.
I really wish you luck. This is by far the worst part for any person transitioning. It's really hard to focus on the potential gains, when the only thing in front of you are the potential losses. I hope everything works out for each of you going through this.
I'm sorry you're going through it man.. That's the toughest part of it for sure if it wasn't for family I would have started T the second I got out of the corps. Although I'l admit(which might be cowardly) I'm glad I have to wait until I get my degree at least to be financial stable. I mean I'm stable now but I've got a few properties to purchase first to really have some consistant income to depend on so living with my mom just works for that. This growing anxiety and fear of how I'll feel(far as wanting to transition) once it's done is almost crippling though I see it to be almost like as soon as I get that diploma the ground will simply disappear from under me and I'll be lost.
Quote from: JHeron on September 29, 2014, 07:15:37 PM
I'm sorry you're going through it man.. That's the toughest part of it for sure if it wasn't for family I would have started T the second I got out of the corps. Although I'l admit(which might be cowardly) I'm glad I have to wait until I get my degree at least to be financial stable. I mean I'm stable now but I've got a few properties to purchase first to really have some consistant income to depend on so living with my mom just works for that. This growing anxiety and fear of how I'll feel(far as wanting to transition) once it's done is almost crippling though I see it to be almost like as soon as I get that diploma the ground will simply disappear from under me and I'll be lost.
Part of my problem is I have a college degree and it has done nothing for me. All that money and time spent could have gone towards my transition, which I may as well have done since it seems I will have to completely start over once I start hrt. It just really sucks, and this lack of support from my family makes it worse because if I knew I had to restart alone, I would have done it when it was financially viable and I didn't lead myself down this road as my birth gender that is basically a dead end of depression and anxiety.
Pianoforte- I completely agree but I've always been a very contradictory person idk if anyone can relate but it's a terrible thing to be. You know all I want is to be the guy I see in my head the guy I feel like when I put on my skinny jeans and beanie ha and I absolutely hate when that image gets crushed by the reality I see in the mirror. On the one I don't think I can be half of anything I either have to not do it or completely do it it can't be any other way for myself. But I have thought as you do still do constantly and it upsets me because I have long been the caretaker of my mother I gave up my childhood for it and taken alot of damage to my soul because of her, not to say I wouldn't die for he woman but where does it end? You know where does it say that I should give my life for hers? And then back to how much I respect and feel that I owe her.. It's a real nasty cycle friends. I apologize for my rambling
Quote from: JHeron on September 29, 2014, 07:24:01 PM
I gave up my childhood for it and taken alot of damage to my soul because of her, not to say I wouldn't die for he woman but where does it end? You know where does it say that I should give my life for hers? And then back to how much I respect and feel that I owe her.. It's a real nasty cycle friends. I apologize for my rambling
This is EXACTLY the problem I'm going through. Mind you, I don't take care of my mother, but she's the reason i haven't transitioned and I feel the same way you do. I feel I owe her because I love her, but how much do you owe to your parents? Are you indebted for life to them? It's scary, heartbreaking, and is the most difficult decision I've ever had to deal with in my life.
Abby Claire- I don't know.. I feel like it I mean I don't physically take care of her at the moment though I have before she's had a few major surgeries so whenever she needs me I'm there but I'll spare my tragic childhood story(it's in my introductions thread anyways) but I've been her parent for all intensive purposes since I was seven I remember being nine bloody and messed up from my fathers dicispline and having to console my crying mother lol you know that's our dynamic always has been. She tells me that I gave her the courage to leave my prick father she quotes advise that I gave her years ago on her life and says it's what gave her strength.. When I left for the military she had just began to be alone and she got hooked on antidepressants and now back she's all better.. So much pressure mean she's an amazing person and last thing i wants to break her heart and become something disfigured and disgusting(in her eyes but please don't think ill of her there are just some things certain times certain countries never deal with and that's how they see things it's not her fault) I think about it every day what if and then I drop it because it always ends with the image of my mother alone probably dying of depression because of me.
I'm very close to my mom too. I feel like I am basically the part of her life that represents when everything was perfect for her and everyone was happy. Especially when I was a child, we were very close and I've always turned to her for help. What scares me is that she'll look at this as losing someone she probably loves the most in her life. And I personally don't want to lose her in my life because she means so much to me. I guess what I fear is that she'll stop loving me. And that sucks because it's basically all I've got anymore.
Damn Abby glad to know I'm not alone but never something is wish on anyone. I don't know honestly.. If we do it I feel like it's always gonna feel like least for me like I let her down like I killed her "pretty girl" which she always says is her highest achievement.. Selfishly I almost wish she was a terrible parent like my father who dropped the day I turned 17 easier than a penny.
Yeah, I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that youre not the only one who has to deal with this particular situation at the moment. :)
And I really wish I had answers, but I can only guess what is going to happen as I haven't dealt with it all yet. It's scary because you hear of trans people who lose their loved ones and then you hear stories of how they grow closer together, and sometimes you hear those stories where they aren't completely abandoned, but they grew distant. It's scary and very real. I wish I knew what the outcomes would be so I could make the right decisions (or at least plan accordingly), but this is one part of transitioning that has the most real consequences. I wish I wasn't so emotional. Haha
Haha you and me both.. Personally like I said earlier I'm one extreme or the other so at times I'll be completely stoic at the worst times but then be overly emotional in terms of lashing out and rage.. Which is also a fear of mine if I don't transition and just keep it in.. Always scared if bad things happening cause of my temper idk I don't see a way out of this frustration not one with a good outcome anyways
Maybe educating your mother and then slowly proceding with your transition together will make it easier? Be there for her when she's having a hard time and show her that she's not losing the person she loves. Maybe if you're strong through it (at least when she sees you), it'll be easier for her as well.
If this is something that has to happen, then it has to happen. I don't want to get all dark here, but for me, I just realized my mom would be much happier at least if I were alive and different than having killed myself. I don't know how serious this all is for you (though it does sound serious), but letting your emotions overwhelm you is not the answer. It'll likely just tear apart your family over time like it sort of has for me keeping this bottled up.
Quote from: JHeron on September 28, 2014, 02:13:09 PM
Contrary my friend I owe my mother my life literally I'd be dead or in jail without her so that is what makes the prospect of losing or even disappointing her completely gut ripping
I know what you mean, and friends I've always been able to choose, but family, well we all just landed up with each other. And Mum, bless her, was so good to me and I just wish I could have shared who I really am with her. I'm fortunate (I suppose) to not have much family. Both my parents passed away before I came out, so I only have three brothers left. One I don't speak to anyway (bonus, so no concern there), one is gay and has been very accepting and supportive (bonus, so no concern there), and my other brother lives in a different state, he's not so accepting and so I haven't disclosed anything to him.
My partner on the other hand, well after two months of coming out to her, it was too much and so she split. It's ok though because I had prepared myself for that. My biggest concern is my children and their mother whom I will be coming out to in a weeks time, now that I am worried about.
I think before I have come out to anyone, I have prepared myself for the fact they they may walk away. Everyone else has been fine, but for my children I struggle to accept that it will be ok if they choose not to see me. And so the challenge you are facing is quite similar, how would we be if 'they' chose to have nothing to do with us? I'm not sure I have an answer for me and my children, I just know I've decided no matter what, I will continue to love them like I always have.
It is sad to hear so many have lost their families, but it's also warming to know how supportive we all are for each other, maybe this is one family I did get to choose
Hugs
Bree