So it's been a little over two years, two and a half months on HRT. It's sunny out, but a bit of a gloomy day inside.
Youthful daydreams of what I wished to look like were of girls or women my age, but always the great looking and popular ones. As time past those dreams changed to a more realistic view, and I wanted to be more ordinary or simple, and yet have the style and ability to express beauty when wanted. And then reality cheated me. All those years with T pouring through my veins left behind a body so heavily defined as male that starting HRT at 61 years of age didn't result in me looking anything like Raquel Welch, or any other female actress, model, or just the women seen on the streets.
OH my god! I'm just some unattractive old lady named Katherine. A woman who still closes her eyes and daydreams, sometimes smiles, sometimes cries, and most of the time finds almost every woman now matches my dreams. They all look far better than I can ever wish. I'll always be the ugly older woman who dreamed of a beautiful life, and the elderly woman who is learning to accept the truth about beauty. And that acceptance is still difficult, and very hard for me.
I've experienced a lot of things that are painful as my transition progressed, and sometimes they haunt me at the most inconvenient times. And still, there's more important things to think about today, tomorrow and the rest of my life. So for now, it's time to get out of my chair to work on whats right, good, and most of all ... really me.
Yes, a little depressed today.
But still ... Kathy.
I hear ya', Kathy. I'm kind of plain looking myself.
I console myself with the fact that it's nearly a universal condition of womanhood to dislike some aspect of our looks. Even young beautiful women often don't see themselves the way the rest of the world is.
So we're in good company. About three billion (literally) other women feel the way we do.
And remember, all women are beautiful. Femininity alone is so magnificent as to sprinkle indescribable beauty on its possessors.
Me neither. I just look slightly less like a shaven ape in a dress after 20 months. *le sigh*
But you know what? I'm happy, and if I didn't do what I did when I did it, I'd be dead. (Say that 10 times fast.) If I did it when I was younger, I might not have been able to pull it off without extreme hardship.
Hey, at least I have a cute bubble butt now. Jill for the win!
Often times, I know how you feel. Every female friend of mine feels the same way. I bet that even Raquel Welch herself wakes up and at times wishes she looked like someone else. Its normal to feel what is making you a little blue today. And you are doing the right thing by letting yourself dream and then getting on with your day.
If it means anything; to me, you are a beautiful individual -- I can tell by your writing. Your spirit comes across through this electronic medium.
PS - I used to want to look just like my friend Mercedes. She was tall and had the body of a goddess. But I turned out like Me :-) and 57 years later I'm so glad I turned out like Me. Having boobs like her would not hurt though.
Sweetie, Raquel Welch didn't even look like Raquel Welch most of the time.
Attractiveness is more than just what's on the outside. It's the whole package. Some of the nastiest people I've ever met thought of themselves as the most strikingly gorgeous. Beauty comes from your heart, not from the size of your breasts, or the smoothness of your skin, or the colour of your hair, or the shape of your body.
Be you. That's the most beautiful person you can ever be. *megahugs*
Kathy, I thought of you when I remembered this poem. Had to share it with all who replied to this post. Enjoy.
Time Tested Beauty Tips (by Sam Levenson)
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
I can relate to this, as I am 64 now and didn't do the HRT (Just the BO method) and really unattractive as a female. But look at the actresses that they show pictures of without their make up. Oh, my! Talk about plain and even worse for a lot of them.
And I still don't look like Raquel Welch either, and don't expect I ever will, but damn, girl, I'm a whole lot happier now! :) I'm slowly learning to be a "glass half full" kind of girl instead of a "glass half empty" kind of guy. I still fail at that sometimes, but I'm getting better. :)
Take Raquel Welch out of the hands of Hollywood makeup magicians and I will bet she could walk down your street and you would never even know her. I mean really, some of the Hollywood beauties are just plain ugly. Not even Plain Janes even. I mean even the young ones aren't even that pretty naturally without the "magic".
Mila
Can't replay to you all, even though I'd like to. You're wonderful and beautiful women in your own rights. And as Suzi said, "About three billion (literally) other women feel the way we do." I'm putting myself back together, and stepping up to the mirror with more makeup. :P After all, I'm seeing my therapist in an hour. :)
What happened to me is the result of desires and expectations, as opposed to the obvious realities of transition.
Excuse the story about what started this dark mood.
Three weeks ago in Walmart an lady friend I hadn't seen in almost three years stopped me and said "Hi Joe." I was dressed in a nice pair of ladies shorts, a tight red tank over a black bra, and a white unbuttoned top shirt. Not to mention sandals, a tied ponytail, and bulky purse. So yes, it rocked my confidence to the core. The last time she saw me I had a full beard and much shorter hair. Back then I wore loose men's t-shirts, baggy pants, and heavy boots or walking shoes. But she spotted me anyway, and without question of identity said "Hi".
So that and another similar situation have shaken me, and it's taking a long time to get back to normal. I haven't felt this unsure of my identity since July 2013. Guess I'll be ok. It's just disturbing to feel this way after so much time having everything taste like wine and look like roses.
Oh yes, one last thing. I'm never stopping or turning back, and I'll always be ... Katherine.
Thank you again girls. Hugs
Quote from: stephaniec on September 30, 2014, 03:49:47 PM
Mila
LOL, wow. She is so pretty in movies and on That 70s Show but she if freakin' ugly in that left picture. She has to be pregnant but even so... I am Bi and there is no way I would even be interested in her in a club looking like that in the left picture and probably not even if she did her own makeup. :-\
I'm kinda having a hard time with this myself...
I had this ideal image of some cute small-framed feminine girl in my head about what I wanted to look like, and it's really hard to realize that I'll never be her, that I'll always just be a big-framed athletic-looking woman that people still act standoffish around rather than being cute and bubbly.
Dealing with the reality of who I actually am rather than who I wish I was ain't easy.
It's had me depressed for quite a while now as well.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on September 30, 2014, 04:43:03 PM
I'm kinda having a hard time with this myself...
I had this ideal image of some cute small-framed feminine girl in my head about what I wanted to look like, and it's really hard to realize that I'll never be her, that I'll always just be a big-framed athletic-looking woman that people still act standoffish around rather than being cute and bubbly.
Dealing with the reality of who I actually am rather than who I wish I was ain't easy.
It's had me depressed for quite a while now as well.
What was the name of famous girl that played volleyball? "What's her name" Ali, Leala? Mohammad Ali's daughter. Hell she has more muscular arms than I do. Someone told me that Paris Hilton wears size 13 shoes. :o That is Paris Hilton the heiress, not Perez Hilton the gossiper. :P OK so I'm a little lucky, 5'9" and right now around 170 pounds and I see a lot of women that are taller than me. I see a lot of ciswomen that outweigh me even. I go downtown a lot and maybe 1 in 3 women are smaller than me, but it is 50/50 that are the same height or taller than me. And the average female weight now is 160 pounds, heard it on the news a couple of months ago. I look at their feet and see that quite a few of their feet are a little bigger than mine. Four days ago I shook hands with a ciswoman whose hands was bigger than mine. Oh yeah we would love to all be 5'4" and 115 pounds and petite but most women are not. I really don't know where they get the average height of an American female is only 5'5" because that is not my experience. I would say it's probably closer to 5'8" at least and not in heels even.
Get that small framed girl and "perfect" image out of your head. I have never run into anyone that was perfect. OK? Hell. If I was 5'5" and weighed 170 I would be fat. At 5'9" I am proportioned pretty good. At 5'5" a size 9 1/2 size shoe would be way too big. I don't know how tall Paris Hilton is but size 13 feet and she is a beauty or was until the partying gets to her.
Quote from: Jess42 on September 30, 2014, 05:21:50 PM
What was the name of famous girl that played volleyball? "What's her name" Ali, Leala? Mohammad Ali's daughter. Hell she has more muscular arms than I do. Someone told me that Paris Hilton wears size 13 shoes. :o That is Paris Hilton the heiress, not Perez Hilton the gossiper. :P OK so I'm a little lucky, 5'9" and right now around 170 pounds and I see a lot of women that are taller than me. I see a lot of ciswomen that outweigh me even. I go downtown a lot and maybe 1 in 3 women are smaller than me, but it is 50/50 that are the same height or taller than me. And the average female weight now is 160 pounds, heard it on the news a couple of months ago. I look at their feet and see that quite a few of their feet are a little bigger than mine. Four days ago I shook hands with a ciswoman whose hands was bigger than mine. Oh yeah we would love to all be 5'4" and 115 pounds and petite but most women are not. I really don't know where they get the average height of an American female is only 5'5" because that is not my experience. I would say it's probably closer to 5'8" at least and not in heels even.
Get that small framed girl and "perfect" image out of your head. I have never run into anyone that was perfect. OK? Hell. If I was 5'5" and weighed 170 I would be fat. At 5'9" I am proportioned pretty good. At 5'5" a size 9 1/2 size shoe would be way too big. I don't know how tall Paris Hilton is but size 13 feet and she is a beauty or was until the partying gets to her.
I appreciate the effort, but I'm not talking Hollywood perfect here, I'm just taking average. And at 6'2" tall and 215 lbs, with wide shoulders, big arms, and a thick chest and neck, PLUS a receded hairline and a big forehead and chin and nose, plus a deeper voice, comparing myself to ANY cis woman, even the ones who are bigger and taller and stronger, still makes me depressed.
I'm not trying to hijack this topic, but yeah, I'm pretty sure that the frustration is the same... not only not looking like an actress or an ideal, but not even looking close to the plain boring "normal" women that you pass on the street every day.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on September 30, 2014, 09:06:21 PM
I appreciate the effort, but I'm not talking Hollywood perfect here, I'm just taking average. And at 6'2" tall and 215 lbs, with wide shoulders, big arms, and a thick chest and neck, PLUS a receded hairline and a big forehead and chin and nose, plus a deeper voice, comparing myself to ANY cis woman, even the ones who are bigger and taller and stronger, still makes me depressed.
I'm not trying to hijack this topic, but yeah, I'm pretty sure that the frustration is the same... not only not looking like an actress or an ideal, but not even looking close to the plain boring "normal" women that you pass on the street every day.
Carrie:
I feel horrible. This topic wasn't written up as a trigger for any of the girls here. I just needed to vent my frustration in being an old transitioner who will never see wishes come true, and in being a woman who's still learning the hard lessons of acceptance.
I brought this up in a large group therapy session last night, and it helped more than I ever expected. Wish you could've been there.
Please accept a few extra warm hugs.
Women exist in a distortion field created by the value society places on women's looks. It makes us overvalue how we look when assessing our own self worth. It twists and warps the picture we see in the mirror so that, often, we don't even see reality reflected back. We can only see our bodies overlaid by the ghostly outline of the impossible ideal, and anywhere our physical form colors inside or outside of the lines, we see failure.
A body should never be called a failure or a triumph, it is just a vehicle we were all given to navigate three dimensional space. Real failure happens on the inside, between the ears.
I struggle with all of these things too, of course, you can't exist in this world without doing so. But there is so much to be thankful for that you lose sight of when you are bogged down with how you feel about your looks. Even though I won't ever reach my own ideal, I at least am living my life as myself (thanks to transition) and now that that fundamental step is out of the way, I am now able to concentrate on becoming the best version of myself that I can be. That, I think, is the right thing to put my energy into. How I do in that area is, or should be, the real measure of my worth to society.
It's funny, but I can tell the age of a Tgirl by the role model she mentions as her ultimate feminine aspiration. In my youth, Raquel Welch was also my epitome of femininity. But none of us can be somebody else. And for matter, those of us who are starting to get up there in years can't completely push back the clock either. Yet that doesn't mean we can can't be feminine, pretty, or even sexy. The truth is, (and others here have already said similar things), even super models don't look that great without their makeup.
For me, I knew going into this, that I wasn't going to end up a 25 year old robo babe, but I wasn't yet ready to completely surrender to the notion that I couldn't be sexy. I live on the edge of Scottsdale, AZ, and it is a place where aging trophy wives will try to hang onto to their youthful sexuality pretty late into life. So I had plenty of role models.
What I knew from the start, I needed to be completely authentic in that quest. I was very prepared to fail, but I decided to just go for it in the creation of the new me. Too many people in the trans world talk about blending in and wearing age appropriate clothing, as if that is the path to happiness. All my life I have felt invisible and the idea of blending in for the sake of blending in has no appeal at all to me.
For me, it was better to listen to that inner female voice, and let it guide me, and that is what I have done. So now I wear my hemlines super short, my hair super long, and I am not afraid to really apply the eye makeup. Along the way I have had all sorts of failures, but if a girl is willing to risk an embarrassment or two, she will find her way.
And once the feminine energy starts to flow a little, it is amazing what happens. For me, the process has become almost mystical. When I put on the makeup and the clothing, I suddenly see this whole other person, and it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. The truth is, nothing is sexier in the whole world than you being who you really are. That comes out way more in person than it ever comes out in photos.
The picture below is of me at about 3am one night not very long ago. It was the second night in a row where I was up to that time, and i am sure it shows here. I had just come home from dancing at a club, and I was just beat. As fatiguing as that all was, I had an absolute ball. And you know what: it feels wonderful just to do it - regardless what anybody else thinks. I really don't care if I don't look like Raquel, or any of her modern equivalents. This almost 60 year old chick can still rock a little in her little miniskirt. That has its own reward.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi57.tinypic.com%2Fefno74.jpg&hash=09c53145b91382b624175fa0075aafe378bcd3d6)
Quote from: kathyk on October 01, 2014, 10:31:22 AM
Carrie:
I feel horrible. This topic wasn't written up as a trigger for any of the girls here. I just needed to vent my frustration in being an old transitioner who will never see wishes come true, and in being a woman who's still learning the hard lessons of acceptance.
I brought this up in a large group therapy session last night, and it helped more than I ever expected. Wish you could've been there.
Please accept a few extra warm hugs.
Don't worry, you didn't trigger anything, I've just been in a b****y venty mood recently, and this was yet another outlet for me to whine. :P
Quote from: Carrie Liz on September 30, 2014, 09:06:21 PM
I appreciate the effort, but I'm not talking Hollywood perfect here, I'm just taking average. And at 6'2" tall and 215 lbs, with wide shoulders, big arms, and a thick chest and neck, PLUS a receded hairline and a big forehead and chin and nose, plus a deeper voice, comparing myself to ANY cis woman, even the ones who are bigger and taller and stronger, still makes me depressed.
I'm not trying to hijack this topic, but yeah, I'm pretty sure that the frustration is the same... not only not looking like an actress or an ideal, but not even looking close to the plain boring "normal" women that you pass on the street every day.
OK Carrie. So I have seen your pictures and you avatar. You are just another woman. OMG hon I had to go into the city today and most women that I encountered were taller than me. Most looked at
me funny. Like, " Hey shorty." WOW. So if I am trying to present as male that is a kick in the Nads. :embarrassed: 3out of 4, 75 % were as tall or taller than me. OMG so if I go as male, I am screwed. 95% of the men were taller than me. GAWD. Male Fail? It is bad if you are trying to present as male and 3/4 of the women are either the same height or taller. Thank you Carrie, "cause I was trying to be male. The only thing that saved me was saying "Angus Young" in my mind over and over again and I can play guitar and have the callouses to prove it. ??? But still.
So do you want to be boring? Just a Plain Jane female? I am trans and I don't even want to be a Plain Jane. I wish I was 6'4" in heels but I am too short. I am only even with my boyfriend in heels that size. I want to be taller than him and then maybe he may listen to me better. ;) I guess what I'm trying to say is we all come in different sizes and thanx to you, I see how non male I am. Even when I try to be male. ??? So don't feel too bad Carrie. Leave that to me and you making me notice more. ::) If you are so insecure about your body just move to New Orleans and see how many women are your size or taller.
Don't worry. You wanna' be Plain Jane? You wanna' be a normal woman? Well, I'll tell you I saw a lot today and I really have to say this but you are as pretty as and I hate to say about about the same height maybe an inch taller than most and an inch shorter or so than some. My Gawd, I saw some even looking at me like I would be their good "Bitch". Yeah. Big time male Fail.