I turned 18 in August and since then it has become increasingly clear to me that I have no future as a man. I don't want to be a man and lately whenever anyone refers to me with male pronouns I cringe :'( I've also discovered a strong attraction to guys?! I truly have zero support from my parents and have tried to come out to them 3 times but they won't let me. Any time I do something remotely feminine such as shaving my body hair (I hate that too) I get in trouble and end up losing things. I really want to transition super badly and have already asked for a therapist but they said no to that as well. It's like they don't want me to be a woman. They want me to be happy as a man, and right now that's not going to happen. What can I do to start transitioning mentally and physically right now as I can't do this any longer
Kayla
Did you finish high school?
Get a job and move out.
I'm in my senior year :-\ So no, i'm not finished. And they're paying for my college
It's gotten to the point of where I don't know how to make them see that this is not just a phase. That I a m a girl and I should have been born one
I think most parents who start like that, don't give up trying to push you in that direction until sometime after you have transitioned and shown them that you are happy and 'can do this'. That's just from reading these boards though.
That's really hard for me then :-\ They make my life a living hell after they catch me with feminine things or acting feminine. They take my keys and licence so I can't buy anything else
And won't give them back until I promise that I'm done with all of this "->-bleeped-<-" I promise and it feels terrible because I feel like I'm hurting my female identity.
I say keep doing it, do whatever you can. If they keep giving you opposition to your transition, you have to show a stronger resolve and continue to push for what you truly want. Else they're just gonna push you around until you break, which is no good. I know its really tough but you have to show them that you're very serious about transition so keep doing what you can for yourself. I know it feels like an uphill battle but that's what we're here for, support!
If anything, you can start working on your voice!
Thanks LadyOracle, I hadn't thought about practicing my voice! I don't know how I can keep doing that. They always make me confused and my dad screams at me. I don't like confrontation :-\ They take away everything I buy that's feminine
I'm now pretty much terrified of getting caught :'(
:embarrassed:
Hi Kayla,
I really feel for you sweetie, it can be so hard when we know who we are but forces outside of our control prevent us pursuing that.
I live in Australia and the age of consent is 18, that means you can legally make decisions about health etc. does your college have a school councillor you could speak to, would you feel comfortable doing that? I know where I live we have a youth gender program. Perhaps you could make some enquiries about starting your journey. I mean it's not all about HRT and surgery. A well thought out plan should include the things we don't see. So perhaps it would be beneficial to you to speak with a gender therapist or psychologist? I mean it's the place we have to start where I live and can provide lots of help in tackling life challenges such as what your facing with your parents.
It's so hard when we can't be ourselves, I did it for 36 years and I just wish I had transitioned earlier in life. But definetly keep your schooling going, it'll be so important for the future. Stay strong Kayla, you'll get there. This roads certainly not easy, but I know you'll get to where you want to be.
Big hugs,
Bree
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 04, 2014, 08:18:19 PM
Thanks LadyOracle, I hadn't thought about practicing my voice! I don't know how I can keep doing that. They always make me confused and my dad screams at me. I don't like confrontation :-\ They take away everything I buy that's feminine
maybe you could ask a friend to keep your stuff for you? I almost had to do that since I sort of went through what you did when I was a teenager too. But yes work on your voice, at the very least that will ease your dysphoria a ton once you have your speaking voice down. Yeah I hate confrontation too but this is your life you have to take command of it, especially since you're 18 now.
None of my friends know about Kayla :-\. I'm to scared to tell them. I've only considered telling one girl I know but I've been going back and forth about whether or not I would be rejected.
I don't know of any youth gender program in my area. While I'm 18 my parents still mostly control my health decisions. I've already asked them for therapy and they said absolutely not. I am in high school and I don't feel comfortable about discussing this with them bc mostly what counselors do for us at my school is talk about college.
So I'm going to work on my voice for sure. Anyone else have things that were successful for them?
You could try contacting the Transgender Insitute in Missouri. They might have something closer to you.
http://www.transinstitute.org/
You could start a skin care regime. Not sure how doable without your parents noticing but hey, is just cleanser and moisturiser right lol
I also find forums such as Susans Place very useful. Early on I did as much research as I could about what it means to be transgender, I read lots of books and still do on the subject.
Oh start practicing yoga! That helped bring up my self esteem a bit.
Yoga!!! Nothing very manly about that at all ;D
What kind of skincare regimine? Like what do you reccomend?
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 04, 2014, 09:40:56 PM
What kind of skincare regimine? Like what do you reccomend?
It will be different for everyone depending on your skin type, but generally will consist of a cleanser, toner and moisturiser as a start. Also a good eye cream to stop this wrinkles forming (not that you'll be getting them now, but prevention is better than cure). A good website is www.allwomenstalk.com. Has loads of useful information for women.
Would you reccomend using a foundation or a powder?
And thanks soooo much for that link! I barely looked at it for five seconds really quick and already saw tons of useful things!
Personally I only wear makeup when I have too. So if your not presenting as female I wouldn't be wearing foundation or powder. Makeup is not great for your skin so I use it when I need to, like going out. But not if I'm in boy mode. Maybe a dash of concealer to hide a spot but that would be all. Oh and wear sunscreen! I use a moisturiser that has an SPF30 in it. The Suns very damaging to your skin so best to look after it early. Also sunscreen on hands and arms too
Great suggestions so far! If anyone else has any I need all the help i can get! I truly do not know where I would be without Susan's
I hadn't given much thought to sunscreen. I usually go without tbh
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 04, 2014, 11:00:00 PM
I hadn't given much thought to sunscreen. I usually go without tbh
Our male skin is much tougher than female skin. Once you start HRT you will need to wear sunscreen because you may burn so much easier. Your skin will change and so it needs more protection, and care, thus the skin care regime. I would just get into the routine anyway, even men should really wear sunscreen, they just don't bother though. But male skin is very different to female skin
Yep what Breezy said!! Its all about developing good habits as soon as you can since it will make all the little things that much easier once you start hrt. Other than getting on a good skin care routine, make sure you have a good hair routine too, so you can ensure the best growth if you ever plan on growing out your hair. Short or long hair hair, its crucial that you understand your hair type so you can manage it as best you can.
http://hairtype.naturallycurly.com/ <-- check this site out to figure out your hair type!
Thanks for the link Lady_Oracle thats really useful. Being a girl with curly hair (grrrr) it's good to know more about it. I think I'm a Type 2B :)
No problem! ;)
I have a mix of the 3s (pain in the butt) and suffer from a dry scalp (naturally dry skin) and with the addition of spiro's dry skin side effect, its like I have to stay super proactive else my hair goes to crap. I manage nonetheless and my hair is just past my boobs currently so I'm quite happy but still the longer it gets the more intensive managing it becomes. HOORAY FOR CURLY HAIR LOL :laugh:
wanted to add I'm so jealous Breezy! Your hair type is the hair type I wish I had :P. Having this kinky hair is great and all but it takes so much maintenance.
I struggle to control 2s so I would really struggle with 3s. But I do love the look, and hair past your boobs, ok let's swap hair :D
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 04, 2014, 09:24:33 PM
So I'm going to work on my voice for sure. Anyone else have things that were successful for them?
Here's a good place on youtube for voice
https://www.youtube.com/user/candiFLA/videos
I don't really have curly hair so I guess I'm a 2a. I'm thinking of ordering some spironolactone right now
Kayla I perfectly understand you... For now if you are not financially stable then you can't transition... But you might try to get a part time job. I'm a senior in High school as well, and with that money you might be able to go to a therapist and then an endo. After that, the best thing is to wait until you go to college, and go somewhere you are far away from them. Just transition without telling them maybe? Or something I don't know, but you need to give up something in order to be who you are. I will come out after I graduate so that when I go to college I can be myself. Just try to talk with them, but at the end, it's your choice. You need to live your life as your truly self, not some act to please them. GOOD LUCK ON EVERYTHING. Keep us update ;)
I am financially able, at least initially, its just my parents stopping me. It's gotten to the point of where I don't really bother to hide some aspects of my femininity any more. My choice is definitely transition.
Hmm are you sure you are financially able? You're 18, in high school, and dependent upon your parents. I'm almost 21, currently single, and struggle to actually have money in my savings account (that isn't for transitioning) while I am transitioning. Living is expensive.
I mean to buy hormones in the beginning I'll be able to support that. I have like 7000 dollars in a savings account
I do work as well
Well if you say so. I am just worried about you getting kicked out of your home. Anyway, now that you are 18, I would see a psychologist that specializes in gender/transsexual issues. I am assuming your family has health insurance so when they get a letter informing them of your therapy, which the insurance company will do, just tell them you are stressed out or depressed and that you are paying the co-payments. That would be step one. Starting HRT takes a lot longer than most t-girls and guys think. So be prepared to wait for like 1 to 2 months, after first seeing your therapist, to actually see an endocrinologist and start low doses of estrogen and AAs. Depending on how they deem your readiness and dysphoria.
I would be careful though. It's great to do the things you want to do, but it's a hard trade off for family. If you can gain their support, it will make the world of a difference in your transition.
I've already asked them to take me to a therapist and they said no. How would you reccomend doing it behind their back?
I would first find a psychologist specializing in transsexual issues, for example on Psychology Today, in your area and send them an email describing your situation. They will be very eager to meet you as some areas can be very competitive in these kind of markets and are always in need of more clientele. Anyway, what I did was set up appointments and drive myself to them. I think you said you had a license so I'm assuming you have a car too. It's not hard or like you come home smelling like psychologist.
It sounds to me like transitioning now is going to make you worse off, not better. There's no reason to attempt it and end up destitute. As long as you're under your parents' roof, it's clearly a no-go.
What you can do is start to formulate a long term plan so that you can transition successfully and support yourself throughout. Often, colleges have counselors and therapists that you can see that are covered in the student health plan. Also, you might end up losing all financial support from your parents if they find out you're transitioning, so make sure you have your ass covered with a good job that accepts you as Kayla when they do.
HI !!
I'm still a newbee here, BUT I wouldn't do ANYTHING "Behind the backs" of your parents !!!
Since you are still living at home, you still have to live by their rules and if you use their insurance it will be hard to do any how.
Stay in school, and work on the stuff that you can do, Voice, Hair, Stuff that they are O.K. with.
It took me 50 years to get to the point that I'm at right now. Just started with HRT last month.
Yes it seems like time can't go fast enough right now, BUT it all takes time !
I know it stinks, BUT, others have done this before us and are happy now.
Just something to think about.
Jamie
I agree with Jill. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you would be better off waiting more straightforwardly. I wouldn't want someone to tell me not to be myself personally, but you really should wait until college or after high school and you have a full time job that won't fire you for transitioning.
What you can work on, like others said, is growing out your hair, taking care of your skin and nails, weight loss (if needed), diet change, start doing squats (you will thank yourself later), and possibly laser hair removal. These are all things I did as I was male. I did get my nails noticed a lot though. Stop smoking if you do.
I'm actually grounded right now because of smoking actually lol. My parents caught me with a lighter. For the past month I've really begun to focus on keeping my hands(which are girl size actually ;D) Neat, clean and feminine. Also keeping my nails longer. Try to remember to do squats but I run out of time. If anything right now I need to gain weight not lose it.
Kayla you know I care about you a great deal and have been trying to help you for almost a year. It comes down to tough love from me at this time. You are 18 Kayla so grow a spine and stop the whine! You are at the point you are an adult and have to make your own way in this world. If you are financially able to and have a job start thinking about making your move. If you wait on your parents you will start your transition at age 80 when they are gone. You want that? Of course you don't. If you wait until after college they are paying for what then? Wait until you get a better job, wait until your grad school? It will never stop girl! They will always find some way or excuse to hold you down. I and the others have given you a million ways to feminize yourself pre HRT, but it always comes down to people don't approve and I can't do it. When you are at college you need to see a Therapist ASAP!! Start HRT without an Endo? Um, no.
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 05, 2014, 05:04:12 PM
I'm actually grounded right now because of smoking actually lol. My parents caught me with a lighter. For the past month I've really begun to focus on keeping my hands(which are girl size actually ;D) Neat, clean and feminine. Also keeping my nails longer. Try to remember to do squats but I run out of time. If anything right now I need to gain weight not lose it.
OH well you're luck if you're that skinny already but it's best to gain weight on hrt so that the fat goes in the right places u_u
At the moment I truly don't care about anyone else's approval or outside the home and I only care about my parents because I don't want my senior year around the house being a complete nightmare
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 05, 2014, 05:04:27 PM
Kayla you know I care about you a great deal and have been trying to help you for almost a year. It comes down to tough love from me at this time. You are 18 Kayla so grow a spine and stop the whine! You are at the point you are an adult and have to make your own way in this world. If you are financially able to and have a job start thinking about making your move. If you wait on your parents you will start your transition at age 80 when they are gone. You want that? Of course you don't. If you wait until after college they are paying for what then? Wait until you get a better job, wait until your grad school? It will never stop girl! They will always find some way or excuse to hold you down. I and the others have given you a million ways to feminize yourself pre HRT, but it always comes down to people don't approve and I can't do it. When you are at college you need to see a Therapist ASAP!! Start HRT without an Endo? Um, no.
Smoking increases the risk of DVT while taking estrogen. DVT stands for Deep Vein Thrombosis, which is a blood clot that can seriously injury or kill you. Long periods of sitting down do too. I'm not sure how much more at risk you are, but smoking is all kinds of bad for you anyway. I would recommend not making it a habit that you will regret later in life.
I agree. No smoking. There are a zillion reasons you don't want to do that. Many endos won't even let you take HRT if you smoke.
Here's a reason- if you smoke a pack a day, that's like $2000 per year that you could have spent on clothes or facial hair removal.
I would never be able to smoke that much at all!!! I only do it because I'm so stressed out all the time :-\
Quote from: Andreja Silvija on October 05, 2014, 06:00:13 PM
Smoking increases the risk of DVT while taking estrogen. DVT stands for Deep Vein Thrombosis, which is a blood clot that can seriously injury or kill you. Long periods of sitting down do too. I'm not sure how much more at risk you are, but smoking is all kinds of bad for you anyway. I would recommend not making it a habit that you will regret later in life.
Absolutely, no smoking when on eostrogen. I know in Australia an Endocrynologist will deem you as not suitable for HRT if you smoke. The risks are substantial and besides like Andreja said, it's just all together a bad habit to have. So there's one thing you can start right now, quitting smoking :police:
P.S. Squats are so you can have a bigger butt. :P It's easier to build muscle while you still have so much testosterone in your body.
Quote from: Andreja Silvija on October 05, 2014, 09:28:01 PM
P.S. Squats are so you can have a bigger butt. :P It's easier t ;Do build muscle while you still have so much testosterone in your body.
lol thanks girl! I know what theyre for ;D
I've been struggling over the past few days with people's conceptions are of gender and how much people react to me as a male. It bothers me when people use male pronouns in reference to me but I don't know what to say to them. I'm also tired of my parents asking me to do male chores like moving furniture (I did this last night) because it makes me feel like they aren't even making an effort to understand me as my female self and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. As such, today, I woke up feeling like I didn't even want to try anymore if people weren't going to accept me.