Okay. So if things go well I'm maybe possibly probably going to be starting T in a few months. And it just hit me that I'm going to have to come up with some way to explain things to my nieces and nephews. We're really close, I actually live with my one sister and two of them, and they're old enough to notice, I think. I know my one nephew thought I was a male bodied person until recently (I guess they talked about what an aunt was in school and even though I'm out to my sister she still calls me that when talking to them. And she generally doesn't remember to use male pronouns unless I remind her. Which is a whooooole other thing but whatever.) So I don't think it's going to be this big traumatizing thing for him but I don't even know how to start. Or answer questions. Which you know a 7 year old is going to have. So my question to anyone who has kids or kids they're close to, do you have any experiences to share with coming out to them/advice to give? Should I even say anything? Just ask them to use my new name and pronouns and hope they glom on to it with that wonderful kid enthusiasm they still have?
Any input is very much appreciated.
No advice, but I'm interested in the answer. I have 3 kids myself, two of which are young enough to just go with the flow, but one is old enough to ask a thousand questions.
the younger kids in my life didn't seem to question it. they just went with the flow. my brother when i told him was 12 and he picked up on it right away. all i did was tell him if he had any questions to ask, and he did. we are closer now because of it all tbh. i was told through a trans book to coming out that if you explain it like being a candy wrapper, the outside might change but the inside doesn't kind of thing. younger kids are waaaay more accepting and honestly if you're up front with them, they'll catch on and probably won't even care.
Here's how I've explained it to a small child. It's a lot of information to cover, even being oversimplified, so it was broken up into smaller conversations over time. Not being familiar with your younger relatives I can't advise on how many parts to break this up into, but here's the gist.
Most people think they can always tell by looking at someone, whether they're a boy or a girl. But it's not always that simple. If someone says they are a boy, or a girl, it's important to listen to them, no matter what they look like.
Sometimes people are born with a body and brain that don't match. They might have a boy brain, but the kind of body a girl usually has, or a girl brain, but the kind of body a boy usually has. This makes their body not feel right for them, and means people might look at them and think they're a girl but they're really a boy (or vice versa here, you get the idea). They might get help from doctors to change their body so it will feel right to them. They might take certain medicines. They will start to look and maybe sound different (give some child-friendly examples like growing a beard), but they are the same person.
You might need to specifically spell out for them stuff like, "For boys/men we use the words he, him, his, and sir, and for girls/women we say she/her/hers and ma'am" or "Sometimes people don't like their name. When they are an adult they can get it changed. I'm changing my name to ____"
I posted this in a different thread today too - on their blog Ezekiel and Gail talk about their experiences of Ezekiel's ftm transition. They also write about explaining to their kids: http://firsttimesecondtime.com
Congrats on the t!
We explained it to my little brothers as "devention has a medical condition where his inside gender doesn't match his outsides, so he's going to be taking medicine that will make him look more like a guy. He'd really like you to call him Ben and he from now on. No one will get mad if you forget, since you've known him as a girl for almost a year. We just want you to try."
They've been better about it than my mom lol. That was to a 5, 12, and 14 year old.
The only little kid I've had to explain has been my fiancée's little brother who was about five or six at the time. He had seen me before all the trans stuff and didn't believe I was a girl so I guess I had good groundwork done already? :D But anywho, he asked me himself why I had a girl's name when me and my fiancée were visiting her mother one summer and I just explained that I was born a girl but I was really a boy and that I would undergo treatments that would in time make one physically as well. I suppose he was okay with that since his reaction was like "okay, let's continue playing". Not a big deal and certainly not even close to the difficulty I had expected.
Quote from: kieranDS on October 08, 2014, 01:59:05 PM
Okay. So if things go well I'm maybe possibly probably going to be starting T in a few months. And it just hit me that I'm going to have to come up with some way to explain things to my nieces and nephews. We're really close, I actually live with my one sister and two of them, and they're old enough to notice, I think. I know my one nephew thought I was a male bodied person until recently (I guess they talked about what an aunt was in school and even though I'm out to my sister she still calls me that when talking to them. And she generally doesn't remember to use male pronouns unless I remind her. Which is a whooooole other thing but whatever.) So I don't think it's going to be this big traumatizing thing for him but I don't even know how to start. Or answer questions. Which you know a 7 year old is going to have. So my question to anyone who has kids or kids they're close to, do you have any experiences to share with coming out to them/advice to give? Should I even say anything? Just ask them to use my new name and pronouns and hope they glom on to it with that wonderful kid enthusiasm they still have?
Any input is very much appreciated.
I have 5 kids. My oldest, a boy, asked me the following when he was 4 or 5:Hey Dad, why do you were ladies under ware?" My answer was quick: "Because deep down inside I am a lady" His response was "oh, OK" The subject was never brought up. From there on he was in charge of informing the youngest one when the question will surface again.
I asked my youngest (when she was 13YO), when did she learn I was a woman. She told me: "I do not know, kind I always knew you were a she-daddy"
I think kids are more accepting and understanding that we imagine or grant them.
I guess my answer would be... simplicity and honesty... they go a long way with the little ones
Thanks guys all of this really helps and it's nice to hear your stories. And I love the candy wrapper metaphor lol they'll relate to that. What book did that come from?
Maybe I'm over-stressing and it will be easy. Simple and honest. I think I can do that.
Quote from: kieranDS on October 08, 2014, 06:23:21 PM
Thanks guys all of this really helps and it's nice to hear your stories. And I love the candy wrapper metaphor lol they'll relate to that. What book did that come from?
Maybe I'm over-stressing and it will be easy. Simple and honest. I think I can do that.
i don't even remember it's been a few years since i had to do it. they just gave me a little booklet explaining how to go about it, success stories, etc. honestly just be straight up, make it easy for them to understand, and they will get it. hell, i didn't even TELL one of my cousins and she noticed everyone calling me by my chosen name, using male pronouns, etc. and she didn't even question it, she just started doing the same thing. you'll be alright, kids are way more understanding.
I don't have kids or nieces/nephews, but I teach Martial Arts and have a few young students. I have started with enforcing my prefered name, which is my starting point with adults, too. After that I plan to talk to their parents about what is/isn't OKAY to talk to them about. After that I just plan to answer their questions openly and honestly, with the same discretion I would use talking to a child about any other sensitive topic. Sex, for instance. They are remarkably open since they don't have the pre-conceived opinions adults do. They will be confused about what to call you for a little while, but hell, adults will be, too. Just keep enforcing your preference, they will get on board eventually. (People keep apologising to me about using my prefered name, and I keep telling them it isn't a "sorry" thing)
-Bear
Kids are in a constant state of learning new things they didn't know before, so if you and their mom present it as a normal thing, then they'll accept it easily. And from what I can tell, kids don't seem to have a problem with us unless their parents do. And since your sister's cool with it, you should have no issue with them.
My fiance told his cousin in a simple way and he had no problem with it (the kid is 10 or so). He explained it the same way to my little sister who is 9 and she took it well.
I forgot the exact phrasing, but I'll touch base with him again on how he specifically said it. The more I think about it, the more I hate how people treat kids like they're stupid and are simply confused. When I see people come out to little kids or explain LGBTQ concepts, they always take it nicely and are the sweetest little things. Adults and teenagers, not so much.
I'm not sure how my cousin's little ones are going to be; one is 8 and I think the other is 4--but I think they understand and see me as male now that their mom is using the right pronouns around me (for the most part).
I handled it badly, my dysphoria was really bad and I practically blurted itout in the car as I took them to school on a monday morning, I just needed to ask them to stop calling me daddy. Anyway.... The kids just went quiet while I talked, I told them I was a woman on the inside and that the doctors were helping me to fix that, my 9 yr old daughter just shrugged and accepted it (bless her) my 11 yr old son got a bit teary eyed and frightened until I made it clear nothing else was changing (as a divorcee I find my kids crave stability and consistency in the way they are treated and in their home environment) and when I spoke to him after school he had already digested it and seemed to be fine. 6 Months down the line and they both call me mum and my son has just elected to come live with us instead of his 'other' mother!
Conclusions? Kids are easy, its the adults that are hard!
Alice
xx
Some good advice in this thread, my kiddo is going to be at that age soon where I'm going to have to explain why she has two daddies. (she starts school next september eeeek!) I never wanted to just make something up and pretend there was some random woman out there who gave birth to her.
I have an additional question to ask.....how do you tell the little people in your life AND get them to keep their mouths shut about it? :P
I've gone over hypothetical conversations a thousand times in my head - how can I find that balance between making it clear that this is nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time all her friends don't need to know that one of her dads used to be a girl. What if other people ask her how she came to be? I don't want her to be forced to recite a cover story. I'm starting to think being stealth with a kid is not going to be feasible.
Quote from: Jeatyn on October 09, 2014, 05:07:01 AM
I have an additional question to ask.....how do you tell the little people in your life AND get them to keep their mouths shut about it? :P
I've gone over hypothetical conversations a thousand times in my head - how can I find that balance between making it clear that this is nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time all her friends don't need to know that one of her dads used to be a girl. What if other people ask her how she came to be? I don't want her to be forced to recite a cover story. I'm starting to think being stealth with a kid is not going to be feasible.
Probably not feasible to never disclose to ANYONE in that situation. But, it is possible to explain to the kid not to go blabbering here and yonder about your medical history. Perhaps something like:
"I have always been a boy, but because my insides and outsides didn't match people thought I was a girl for a long time. Now I am working with doctors to make the outside match. The fact that people thought I was a girl before is private information (depending on the kid you may have to explain what "private information" is). It is nobody else's business and I only tell people when
I think it is important for them to know. You know because you are my family. Please don't share my private information with other people without asking me first."
It might seem like a tempting way to simplify it for children, but phrases such as "used to be a [girl/boy]" contribute to enough misunderstanding with adults. Might be better to avoid that kind of phrasing.
You might also explain the difference between something that is private, and something that is
secret - we share private information with a few select people when it's important, but it is not a topic for casual conversation with friends, etc. A secret is something a person never tells anyone at all. If someone asks them to keep something
secret that person might be doing something they are not supposed to do.
I've never considered the distinction between private and secret but you're totally right. Your phrasing is also better.
I disclosed to the staff at the nursery she's been attending for a few years and never had any problems but I like to keep the circle of people who know as small as possible.
I also don't disclose if it's reasonably avoidable. It's just a medical condition, I'm neither proud nor ashamed of it. But unlike some other medical conditions - potentially fatal allergies for instance - telling fewer people actually lowers the odds of someone causing me trouble due to ignorance. And it lowers the odds of someone deliberately causing me trouble. Someone can't harass me or hurt me over information they don't have.
Sadly this is a conversation I had to have with kiddo, who was six at the time... I was kind of irritated as to how it happened, courtesy of her mother running her face, telling people her dad is dating a "boy girl", I sat down, and explained it to her that my mind went one way, my body went another and I went through what I did to unify them.
It's not the same quite, but I'm the older brother to 5 boys, soon to be 6. I'm seven years older than the next kid so I was 24 and telling my 18, 15 and 14 year old brothers. Long story but we share the same mother and are all very close, the next three have a different mom from my dads second marriage.
I told my oldest brother who was 18 at the time and he asked me to explain. I told him "I feel like a guy, like you do. But I'm different outside. That's it. I'm getting medicine to make me feel normal." His only question was "what do I call you?"
As controversial as it apparently is, I told him he can call me whatever he wants. I've been "sis" and "E" for his whole life. I raised them until I was 17 and I wasn't going to ask them to change. They all talk to me like another brother and I've had a few funny conversations that were "it was hard to ask this when you were a girl, but" and "so, you're not a girl but you talked them and my girlfriend"
I've noticed in my journey my grandparents and the younger folks dealt with it like I had just had a problem and fixed it. My grandmother even says "well, you're not a girl but do you remember when..."
In my family cancer is pretty prominent in our immediate circle and they deal with it in the same way. "Back when grandma had cancer" and "back when A was a girl" are treated with the same tone. Not that we were sick, just that it was an event that occurred.
As a bonus, when I told my best friends nephew who was 6, I explained to him that I felt different inside than out. He nodded and said "I think I understand. You're my godmother who is my godfather. Okay. Can you teach me how to wrestle?" He just rolled with it and asked because I was talking about a wrestling match. Now he doesn't even remember when I was "girl name", and that was less than 3 years ago.
I have triplet seven-year-old cousins who don't know that I'm trans yet, mostly because I haven't exactly come out to my aunt and uncle. They live in a big house with my grandma and other uncle who I DID tell, so they probably know by now, I just haven't felt confident enough to sit down and tell them.
My cousins are always asking me why I look like a boy, why I have body hair, why I wear boxers, why I keep cutting my hair... and I just tell them it's because I like looking this way, which is true, so. Yeah. I'm going to sit down and tell them next week, and then probably tell my aunt when she gets home.
I'm going to explain that when I was born, my mom thought that I was a girl because my body looked like a girl's body. She put me in dresses and made me grow my hair long but I never liked it because it never felt right to me. Then I'll probably ask the boys how they would feel if I put them in a dress and made their hair grew long and then sent them outside to play. They'll probably say "ew, gross!" and that they wouldn't like it. I'll ask them if it would feel "right".
Now, I know I'm relying on stereotypes here, but I don't feel comfortable discussing genital dysphoria with seven-year-olds. I'm sure we can talk about it if they ever ask again when they're older.
____
It's a heck-of-a-lot easier to explain things to me niece and nephew. My niece is turning four in a month and my nephew just turned five. I pretty much caught them during playtime when I was babysitting and told them that I'm actually a boy. I kind of said something like 'my mommy THOUGHT I was a girl, but now she knows I'm a boy.' They just accepted it and asked a few innocent questions that I don't remember.
It's weird, but if i ask them "am I a girl or a boy?" they'll say boy, and they know that you use she/her pronouns for girls and he/him pronouns for boys; however, my niece corrected a little boy we were with when he used male pronouns and was like "no, she's a SHE" so it's kind of like I'm a exception to the rule, ha ha! I'll need to explain that further, and they still use my birth name more often than my chosen name, but they're getting a lot better with it, considering their dad's family and all the neighbors don't know that I'm trans.
I know I'm on the "girls" side of the fence here but I have 3 children ages 6,8, and 13. At the time (3 years ago) my youngest two had no problems with it as they still didn't have any social interjections yet. Now my oldest... Wow! It broke my heart to see her have so many issues with it. She truly could not find the right feelings for over a year. We are an open family and we do not hide anything (trying not to fight), so she had heard many of the comments my wife would make negatively towards me.
Enter Against Me! And the album "Transgender Dysphoria Blues". She overheard one of the songs while I was doing my homework and asked what it was, so gee (psychology major) I turned it into a small conversation on the topic. She asked if she could listen to the whole thing and I said sure... I mean hell, I was raised on George Carlin! This was a turning point, and for her that album changed her perceptions of what I struggled with. Since that day she has gone from my worst critic to my greatest ally! She has even defended me when the Mrs. was going off on a tangent.
In the end it isn't how you tell the children more than how you handle the small conversations as they adapt well. I answer many questions to young and old... If they want to learn, I'm willing to teach. That's how we can lose the connotations of bad publicity and move into the public light. I'm accepted in a small conservative city in western PA, working in a home improvement store. I believe this acceptance has come from me not being afraid to answer the questions.
Sorry for the book...
Ali
My little sister is 13 years younger than me, so when this came up she was about 6. Our mom explained things to her, saying something like, "X looks like a girl but is really a boy inside. He's going to take medicine that will make his outside match his inside." She thinks this is the coolest thing ever. I would definitely impress upon them that this is private information, because my sister started running around school excitedly telling everyone how "her sister is going to be her brother now."