Hi people.
I don't even know why I am saying this as there is nothing that anyone here can do about it, but when my parents found out that I was transitioning, they cut me off. My brother did too.
I have two sisters. One was initially OK about it, but the other wasn't. Despite the fact that I had gone through hell helping her through her two year hospital ordeal, driving a 6 hour round trip to be with her several times a week, sitting reading to her, buying her things like new glasses, a laptop to watch films on etc. and doing everything I could for her, she barely talks to me now. I told her I was going in for surgery, she didn't even answer the message. I said I was afraid of being alone post op and no answer.
Probably because of how the rest of the family are treating me, my other sister has become more distant.
It gets to me. I try and tell myself not to care, but I do. Its been over a year since they all found out and things have got worse rather than better. I would say in another 6-12 months I wont hear from any of them anymore.
I think its a cruel twist that with the emotional changes of the hormones, I feel like I really want to be a lot closer to them, its become more important to me.
I know there is nothing that I can do about it. I am looking to the future and going in for surgery alone in January, after spending christmas completely alone and its weighing on me emotionally quite heavily at the moment. January is going to be a really hard month. really hard.
I am sorry to dump all that out here on the forums.
Meh :-/
Even though we can't change what is happening it is good to let it out. You will be better off for it. No matter how much we say we don't care about how family treat us as a result of our transitioning, we do care and as a result it hurts. I can only hope in time some will come around especially those who initially were ok with it for you. Hugs and take care.
Mariah
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on October 09, 2014, 05:06:09 PM
Hi people.
I don't even know why I am saying this as there is nothing that anyone here can do about it, but when my parents found out that I was transitioning, they cut me off. My brother did too.
I have two sisters. One was initially OK about it, but the other wasn't. Despite the fact that I had gone through hell helping her through her two year hospital ordeal, driving a 6 hour round trip to be with her several times a week, sitting reading to her, buying her things like new glasses, a laptop to watch films on etc. and doing everything I could for her, she barely talks to me now. I told her I was going in for surgery, she didn't even answer the message. I said I was afraid of being alone post op and no answer.
Probably because of how the rest of the family are treating me, my other sister has become more distant.
It gets to me. I try and tell myself not to care, but I do. Its been over a year since they all found out and things have got worse rather than better. I would say in another 6-12 months I wont hear from any of them anymore.
I think its a cruel twist that with the emotional changes of the hormones, I feel like I really want to be a lot closer to them, its become more important to me.
I know there is nothing that I can do about it. I am looking to the future and going in for surgery alone in January, after spending christmas completely alone and its weighing on me emotionally quite heavily at the moment. January is going to be a really hard month. really hard.
I am sorry to dump all that out here on the forums.
Meh :-/
Sad part 90% of the time it's all due to the people around them making them distance.
Ignorance and the "jones" is the thing that drives families apart.
It's truly sad.
Hugs
Hugs
Hugs Kira. That's all I can offer.
The real tragedy here is that they have a wonderful daughter/sister whom they're missing out on. Someday they might realize how much they cheated themselves out of.
I know the pain, it's a long story. However I have a woman friend I've known since first grade. She has very little family. We agreed to become sisters for life a while back. We are both serious about it & we both feel better to have more family. Just a thought GF. Hang in there. Society is just not ready for people changing their genders. It's tough for us but we must accept it & keep going forward.
*hugs you tightly* :(
Hugs. My mother is reasonably accepting, my sister is getting there but doesn't want her daughter to know about me. My father won't acknowledge me. I've been there for them so it hurts to have them so standoffish.
sorry to here this, but like others I know the feeling all too well
Kira, I'm sad for you honey! It never ceases to amaze me at the conditions family puts on us for their love and acceptance. Sorry it's happening to you of all people, you are such a darling friend to me. I wonder if the BF is still around or did you kick him to the curb? Surely there is someone who can spend some time with you dear. I know you live in UK, but isn't there a transgender support group anywhere nearby where you might develop some friendships among kindred souls? Don't be afraid to pm or email me sweetie, I'll be thinking of you. xox ~Shan~
Just want to give you a big squeeze right now Kira :icon_hug:
It's best to talk about these things, the least we might be able to do is let you know your not alone. You have family here always. And christmas, jump on a plane and come to Australia, you can spend Christmas with me :)
I'm fortunate in a weird sorta way, I don't have much family, a brother but parents are gone. I was lucky with my brother, he is ok. But as soon as I told my partner I was trans she took off. If we put ourselves in their shoes, it is difficult to get your head around, I mean I've had 36 years to get use to the idea, I expected her to get use to it in a few weeks.
Stay positive Kira, they may come around. If not, you know what, you'll still be ok. You'll meet lots of kind and wonderful people in life who would just love to know you.
Hugs,
Bree
The only things you can do about it are, work on being happy with yourself and being successful in whatever you do so that you know that it is their loss and not your loss so much.
Sharing how you feel can be a good thing, it is a part of why we are here, to share both the good and the bad that transition experiences are.
That's a tough situation Kira but you are not alone in this. My parents after seeming to be accepting are now throwing the bible at me with all of the usual verses - I could point out where they are misunderstanding what they have read but they'll just reject anything I'll say so I don't really see the point of getting into that debate with them.
Like LordKAT said - now is a good time to work on learning how to be happy even if you are by yourself, and also try to stay busy (which is what i'm doing - i'm going back to college and that's keeping me very busy).
This journey takes incredible courage and it's not an easy one. Find and tap into that inner strength that I know you have to pull yourself through, and be kind to yourself too during this stressful time. My thoughts are with you.
I've mentioned the costs of transition are high. Hopefully you can get this under control, because the costs keep coming.
Sorry to hear about this Kira. I haven't reached the stage of telling my family yet, but I am prepared for the worst. We're all here to support each other on the forum, hugz x
That homesick feeling of losing your past is normal, for us it is bittersweet. We gain more Independence but lose those that made home, really home. I think the way to pass that is to make your own home, your own place in the world. When you do that, somehow the world makes a place for you.
*hugs Kira*
I want to cry too because I know what you're going through, although my family alienated me not because of being trans (since they don't know yet) but due to other things.
All you can do is give them time I guess.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your responses and I will give e them each some thought.
Dear Kira
You are strong and on your way to becoming a magnificent woman. That should be your goal; it will allow you to conquer the world.
Many hugs, sister.
Julia
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on October 09, 2014, 05:06:09 PM
Hi people.
1. I don't even know why I am saying this as there is nothing that anyone here can do about it, but when my parents found out that I was transitioning, they cut me off. My brother did too.
I have two sisters. One was initially OK about it, but the other wasn't. Despite the fact that I had gone through hell helping her through her two year hospital ordeal, driving a 6 hour round trip to be with her several times a week, sitting reading to her, buying her things like new glasses, a laptop to watch films on etc. and doing everything I could for her, she barely talks to me now. I told her I was going in for surgery, she didn't even answer the message. I said I was afraid of being alone post op and no answer.
Probably because of how the rest of the family are treating me, my other sister has become more distant.
It gets to me. I try and tell myself not to care, but I do. Its been over a year since they all found out and things have got worse rather than better. I would say in another 6-12 months I wont hear from any of them anymore.
I think its a cruel twist that with the emotional changes of the hormones, I feel like I really want to be a lot closer to them, its become more important to me.
I know there is nothing that I can do about it. I am looking to the future and going in for surgery alone in January, after spending christmas completely alone and its weighing on me emotionally quite heavily at the moment. January is going to be a really hard month. really hard.
2. I am sorry to dump all that out here on the forums.
Meh :-/
OK 1: Your hurting. You can hurt and you can expect love and support just like everyone else here. It sux, sometime family sux. Their loss hon. Family isn't about genetics but unconditional love and support. People that really care, that love you unconditionally and share the same backgrounds.
I know you care and it really hurts but no matter how much good you do, people will only see you for what they perceive is bad to them. What you did for your sister, good for you and that speaks volumes about you and how good of a person you are, Now how you are treated speaks volumes about her and the rest of your family too. Sorry to be so blunt but it is really messed up how you are treated now.
2: Ain't that what we are all here for? If we can't lean on each other, who can we lean on? If we don't have each other, who else do we have? If we can't cry on each other's shoulders, who else's can we cry on. Dump it out all you want. Cry all you want. I have a proverbial shoulder you can cry on anytime you need to.
Hugs and much love to you, Kira!
Quote from: bibilinda on October 10, 2014, 09:53:45 PM
OMG OMG OMG!!!
It's like I myself wrote all the stuff you wrote, I am living almost exactly the very same thing!!!
To make matters worse, the shrink i see (or used to see that is) has just shunned me as well, when I asked him to only address me as a woman and ask his secretary to do the same as well... he is not a gender therapist, just a general practitioner chosen by my mother, and I've been seeing the guy for more than three years now, what a waste of time and money...
OK, I just wanted to tell you you are not alone hun, it seems our experiences with our families are very similar so if you need a friend please feel free to PM me when you feel down, specially if you feel lonely or down during Christmas time OK?
Lots of love
Bibi
Geeze Bibi you have to get out of that toxic environment sweetie!
I wish you all the strength, heart, and courage to make it through this tough time in your life. I too may be going through this soon as I've just recently came out to the rest of my family. My mom is in denial and refuses to acknowledge me as her son... soon my family on my dad's side will get the news through the grape vine.
We can do this, Kira.
We can choose our family if we want to or need to. I choose to have affirming people in my life and to allow the rest to find their own place in the sunshine. Sometimes it hurts, often it is hard, but I have been forced to let people I desperately love to make the choice to not love me. Of three siblings, one understands. Of a dozen cousins, half are friendly, none get it. My wife would like to see me dead.
They are not my family.
My family includes a shaman, a singer of songs, lovers, people of the earth. They all will celebrate with me, some in cyberspace, some in real space. I try to bring the former into the latter whenever I can. Sometimes when relationships blow up in my face my family is all that keeps me anything like sane. Sometimes, I help them by loving them without preconditions.
My family is Tessa, and Jess, and Patty, and SJ, and Suzy, and a dozen more scattered around the globe. My family is JR, and Eric, and Regina, Shan, and a dozen more here within arms reach. My family is composed of people (and a few dogs) who have chosen love over biology, authenticity over artifice, acceptance over dogma.
My family is without limits and without bounds. When my limitations and fears overwhelm me, they are here - always! I love them and would give all I have to bring them joy. They love me and share their strength and hope. It makes me humble and grateful.
Kira, Bibi, you are welcome to join.
Julie
Kira you have to make a tough choice, live your life for them or live it for your self. Let them know if they want you in their lives they have no choice but to accept you, and be ready to carry it out if they say no. You will hate yourself if you don't.
Love yourself....be with ppl that want to be with you....forgive them because they just may not understand. Be happy as it will make ppl want to be with you. I lost my parents , sister and brother and all that knew old me but....Ive better friends now who are closer than they ever were.
Kira, many hugs to you. That sucks so much. I wonder if your family even understands how much their actions are affecting you. And your sister, what the hell? Made me sort of angry to read how selfish she is... I haven't been cut off like you, but I got so tired of the guilt trips and unsupportive-ness of my family I had to distance myself to give myself strength to move on. Anyway I hope you grow a new support base. My gf's family is super supportive and is like a second family to me.
Kira, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Everyone here has given such great advice, I'll only add one thing. It sounds like you want to stay in contact with them, so be sure that they know that. Perhaps you could reach out to each one individually...even if just in a small way. They may not come around anytime soon, but at least you'll know that you've done all you can do. And perhaps they'll realize their mistake when they're together for the holidays but missing an important part of the family.
If you were in Seattle you'd be welcome to spend Christmas with me and my family. :)
I am all alone as well. I found out, working with the elderly, that sooner or later everyone will be alone. Even them. So time will catch up to them as well. It's best to get used to it sooner than later, because you can get used to it and live a happy life regardless.
Hi,
Don't know if I can handle it day in and day out so I not told my parents, yet, about their new daughter. Probably selfish of me but I will be states away when I tell them so I don't have to worry if I have to move or what not, will be taken care of and I wont have the emotional stress or lectures. I am living for myself and my fiance', nobody else. They can embrace me or lose me, either way, don't want to sound harsh, my feels wont be hurt. I am 31 years old and since 18 made it this far, made it on my own, and can do it again if need be. Only live with them so I can save save save but also because I had tragic medical issues this year that nearly left me dead twice. I already told them next spring I am out and of course always getting the "awwwwwww you need to stay and live with your mom and dad because you've been sick" bs talk, um thanks but no thanks, already getting on my nerves... and those of you who moved out and then back in years later know what I am talking about lol.
Like I said, I don't mean to sound harsh about how I feel if they accept me or not, but like Susan said, it's your life.. not theirs.