I recently had to deal with some rude comments, not said to my face, but clearly said loud enough around me to be rude and hurtful. I know I need to just ignore these things, but it's hard for me. Do you guys have any tips on how to make it easier to ignore those comments in the future?
(I'm currently almost 6 weeks on T, so while I generally pass, I pass as 12-14, so in a college with lots of queer people, people get more confused about my gender and/or it's easier to see that I'm trans.)
I have very sensitive ears and I hear people talk about me all the time. I usually have my headphones on and have meditative music on in case I need to physically calm down as well.
I wish I could say I'm the type of person who would get in anyone's face if they talk rudely about me or to me, but I'm just not.
I just ignore them and shake my head. I also think of how much of a better person I am inside for not being like them.
Usually when people do or say offensive things to others, I show them my disapproval by shaking my head or something
else that would make them question their motives/actions.
(That's what I do when people smoke around me and others, I cover my nose or cough really loudly as though the smoke
is irritating my breathing... which it is.)
And I'm sad to hear that people are saying rude things about you, especially on a college campus? I'd expect more maturity,
understanding, and respect from people aiming for higher education, you know? I hope things work out and the rude comments
don't get to you too much. Keep your head up and don't pay attention to the peanut gallery. :)
It depends on who's saying it and where they're saying it.
I personally would confront people if it was safe to do so. Otherwise, just stress management techniques - distract yourself with something else straight away.
When I was in early school to high school, I was bullied and verbally insulted pretty thoroughly, and being a weakling in mind and body, I just took it, day after day..
When I reached 21 or so, I promised myself I'd never cower down to them ever again.
Well like Mark said, I was also bullied a lot. However I learned to, through unfortunate slightly aggressive means, to teach people to back the eff up off of me. However, at work, I've been getting people confused and today a lady gave me an attitude after figuring out I'm a female and go by Chris. I personally ignore her attitude and irritate her even more by being extremely polite and letting my eyes show my true emotion.
I would say ignore them. People being ignorant WANT a reaction. They wanna see anger most of the time just to go home and say, "so I p__ed off this ->-bleeped-<- earlier". I've heard people laugh when they tell their friends they made "some ->-bleeped-<-got" angry and take it as an accomplishment. So if you wanna really get on peoples nerves, be EXTREMELY polite. Smile, use your cutesy voice, and always say sir and ma'am. Ive noticed it does nothing but make them very very angry and obviously the person can't go and complain because you're doing nothing but being sweet.
Now it's actually really funny when you can clearly tell they're getting beyond p___ed off and politely ask, "is something okay?" and know very well that they're getting mad at your lack of a reaction. Or if they say they're a little irritated or something ask why and look concerned. Or just to be a complete a-hole you can ask why and smile. But that's me and I love making people angry at my job with the power of my manners. It works when it comes naturally too and I just say sir and ma'am outta habit and act polite.
Quote from: LatrellHK on October 16, 2014, 11:18:53 PM
Well like Mark said, I was also bullied a lot. However I learned to, through unfortunate slightly aggressive means, to teach people to back the eff up off of me. However, at work, I've been getting people confused and today a lady gave me an attitude after figuring out I'm a female and go by Chris. I personally ignore her attitude and irritate her even more by being extremely polite and letting my eyes show my true emotion.
I would say ignore them. People being ignorant WANT a reaction. They wanna see anger most of the time just to go home and say, "so I p__ed off this ->-bleeped-<- earlier". I've heard people laugh when they tell their friends they made "some ->-bleeped-<-got" angry and take it as an accomplishment. So if you wanna really get on peoples nerves, be EXTREMELY polite. Smile, use your cutesy voice, and always say sir and ma'am. Ive noticed it does nothing but make them very very angry and obviously the person can't go and complain because you're doing nothing but being sweet.
Now it's actually really funny when you can clearly tell they're getting beyond p___ed off and politely ask, "is something okay?" and know very well that they're getting mad at your lack of a reaction. Or if they say they're a little irritated or something ask why and look concerned. Or just to be a complete a-hole you can ask why and smile. But that's me and I love making people angry at my job with the power of my manners. It works when it comes naturally too and I just say sir and ma'am outta habit and act polite.
I so have to try this now...
And it's like they say: "Kill 'em with kindness." ;D
i never really surround myself with strangers. the curse of small communities...
but i think lgbt hating in public is not commonly accepted here, i never heard any of it after one of the local guys brought home a handsome american (with a really good education). whatever vicious rumors spread among themselves will be taken care of with a proper confrontation. it's usually one's own relatives who do that anyway...
in grade school i was exposed to a whole lot of verbal abuse. learned to simply ignore it with a grin.
easy when looking down upon the abusers, for lacking intelligence so severely that they don't even realize how pitiful they actually are.
not a good way to look at people, but it works well against nasty comments.
easier to smile a warm and caring smile to someone pitiful, right?
and being a little condescending, without ever resorting to the slightest bit of rudeness.
can drive anyone crazy, unless they are as level headed as you.
but they definitely aren't if they feel any need at all to bash complete strangers in public.
(i don't really think they are worth less. not in that well hidden place deep inside. it's just a situational thing)
I had this issue a lot last year even in a conservative college. It is usually in passing by people I don't know. I just try to ignore them and hope that I don't see and recognized them. If I see their face I will get more angry.
However, sometimes I will say in passing "My favorite part of the day is when I get stared at" or "I can hear you."
A lot of people who make rude and nasty comments are unhappy with their own life. You are working towards your own happiness they focus on bringing others down. Focus on that, it might help blunt the hurt a bit anyways. Besides by not responding to it you don't feed them and you are the better person.
Take the high ground :)
That sounds like a great solution LatrellHK but do you think that it will work on anyone? I am actually considering this.
laught it off
that works on pretty much anyone.
i've done it to trolls on the internet even.
but on my mom, the most successful thing has been to turn her own words back on her.
in an infuriatingly calm tone. only works when i am really cold at heart, and it pleases me to see her frustration and anger when she can't do anything to win an argument.
she's a master of blaming others, and i just can't stand it. she says something ridiculously offensive, and then is offended when i react negatively.
"i don't like the way you're talking to me," she says. and i answer with "i don't like the way you're talking to me either".
she even tries to say i can't talk to my mother in certain ways, to which i tell her that it is my birth right to talk to her just the i want. can't really argue on that, so it often ends at that.
laugh it off
I am really paranoid that anyone that looks at me and then laughs or whispers is being an ass.
if people whisper, it's usually about my hair.
i once had to tell students at the beginning of the first lesson i had with them, that the pink hair was not due to a technical error. was real time distance education.
stopped the whispering, and we ended up getting along well.
Quote from: LatrellHK on October 16, 2014, 11:18:53 PM
Well like Mark said, I was also bullied a lot. However I learned to, through unfortunate slightly aggressive means, to teach people to back the eff up off of me. However, at work, I've been getting people confused and today a lady gave me an attitude after figuring out I'm a female and go by Chris. I personally ignore her attitude and irritate her even more by being extremely polite and letting my eyes show my true emotion.
I would say ignore them. People being ignorant WANT a reaction. They wanna see anger most of the time just to go home and say, "so I p__ed off this ->-bleeped-<- earlier". I've heard people laugh when they tell their friends they made "some ->-bleeped-<-got" angry and take it as an accomplishment. So if you wanna really get on peoples nerves, be EXTREMELY polite. Smile, use your cutesy voice, and always say sir and ma'am. Ive noticed it does nothing but make them very very angry and obviously the person can't go and complain because you're doing nothing but being sweet.
Now it's actually really funny when you can clearly tell they're getting beyond p___ed off and politely ask, "is something okay?" and know very well that they're getting mad at your lack of a reaction. Or if they say they're a little irritated or something ask why and look concerned. Or just to be a complete a-hole you can ask why and smile. But that's me and I love making people angry at my job with the power of my manners. It works when it comes naturally too and I just say sir and ma'am outta habit and act polite.
This method is my actual JAM with strangers. I can get a little flustered with people I have to see again the next day, but if someone is just being a random ->-bleeped-<-, Latrell's tactic is top notch, imo.
Quote from: LatrellHK on October 16, 2014, 11:18:53 PM
Well like Mark said, I was also bullied a lot. However I learned to, through unfortunate slightly aggressive means, to teach people to back the eff up off of me. However, at work, I've been getting people confused and today a lady gave me an attitude after figuring out I'm a female and go by Chris. I personally ignore her attitude and irritate her even more by being extremely polite and letting my eyes show my true emotion.
I would say ignore them. People being ignorant WANT a reaction. They wanna see anger most of the time just to go home and say, "so I p__ed off this ->-bleeped-<- earlier". I've heard people laugh when they tell their friends they made "some ->-bleeped-<-got" angry and take it as an accomplishment. So if you wanna really get on peoples nerves, be EXTREMELY polite. Smile, use your cutesy voice, and always say sir and ma'am. Ive noticed it does nothing but make them very very angry and obviously the person can't go and complain because you're doing nothing but being sweet.
Now it's actually really funny when you can clearly tell they're getting beyond p___ed off and politely ask, "is something okay?" and know very well that they're getting mad at your lack of a reaction. Or if they say they're a little irritated or something ask why and look concerned. Or just to be a complete a-hole you can ask why and smile. But that's me and I love making people angry at my job with the power of my manners. It works when it comes naturally too and I just say sir and ma'am outta habit and act polite.
Nothing drives a rude person up the wall like class in response. It makes them feel ineffectual, on top of whatever issue is driving their urge to try to elevate themselves by dragging someone else down.
My little kindness tactic works all the time. Especially at work or in a public area like Walmart or busy streets of Minneapolis. There are witnesses who see how they act and can't glorify themselves by saying I responded ignorantly myself. Besides, it makes me smile sincerely because it really is funny to me and I have to stifle a chuckle or two when they start turning red.
And makipu - It's a tried and true method. Extreme politeness effective in getting best possible results haha. I love it when they're either my age the most. Teenagers tend to not know when to shut up and stop so no matter how polite I am, they seem to know the truth behind it. Or we go to school together and they know me lol. But teenagers wanna argue back and get SOME reaction and not giving it pisses them off the most. It's hilarious. Older adults my moms age are funny to because they think that due to my age or cause I'm black, I live in a predominately white community so there aren't many blacks, that I'll react violently or aggressive. They sometimes get cocky to like it's inevitable. Then I don't do what they expect and BAM! They get that "tf?" face and attitude. Hilarious.
I think I'm just an ->-bleeped-<- because I absolutely love making people angry with kindness and manners. Especially in public.
I tend to just kill people with kindness but when my friends are around they tend to wanna beat that persons arse which actually happend a few weeks ago.
I just follow the "hug a hater" philosophy where they just weren't loved as children.
Quote from: Brandon on October 18, 2014, 12:49:55 PM
I tend to just kill people with kindness but when my friends are around they tend to wanna beat that persons arse which actually happend a few weeks ago.
I don't know if thats good or bad. But at least you got friends who care. :)
The best advice you'll find comes from Dr. Seuss:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
If you have time to read, and enjoy reading...well, even if you don't like reading that much, I recommend Verbal Judo by George Thompson, who is a former police officer. He talks about effective ways of dealing with utter tossers, diffusing tense situations, and so on. It really is like judo the way he describes it.
Knowing that when someone tries to put you down it only shows that they think you are above them. When someone has to try and put another person down to try and feel better about there own life, it shows not only their true character, but also the simplicity or shear lack of compassions in their own exsistance.
Latrell's method reminds me of something a friend told me eons ago. Apparently, smiling sweetly and saying something like "I'm SO sorry you're having a bad day" destabilizes jerks so much that either they don't know how to respond (and are thus speechless or ashamed) or they show their true colors even more transparently and say something openly hostile and rude that other people can hear and disapprove of.
Never tried it myself.