Kate is not my final choice for a name. I might keep it as a middle name though, probably Kathryn or Kathy.
My therapist asked me if I had a name I would like to be addressed by, and said it might be a good idea to start thinking of one that I would like.
My parents gave me my current legal (M) name. I want to ask them what my real name (F) should be. But I am absolutely not ready to come out to them yet.
First of all my dad is probably going to go back to treating me like I don't exist. After my mom and dad split he was basically absentee. We reconciled after 9/11 when he thought I was dead (long story, I was a first responder.) He's also probably going to have a problem with me being a mom to my kids instead of a dad... (truth be told though, the kids will always see me as dad, and I give them that license because of who they are).
My mom? She's very likely to out me to everyone by gossiping. Especially people in the old country where there is still a lot of trans phobia and general non-acceptance of anything other than hetero-cis.
But I'd like to know just how I'm going to ask my mom and dad what they would have named me if I were their daughter and not their son. The curiosity is just too much, and if they had chosen a name I liked I would probably go with it.
I remember when my dad was in uni he wrote a few short stories about his family where the family was almost exactly the same except that my mom had a more indian name (and was a more submissive house wife instead of the independent woman she is) and the first child (me) was a daughter. I can't really remember the name he chose though. I wish I did. I know they probably had a name chosen because that's what they do. With my brother they were almost certain they were having a girl and they even had girl clothes bought for when he was born. I know they had some girl baby clothes for me as well, because apparently they were sure that I would be one too (they may still be right, better late than never I guess?)
Anyway I have also been throwing around a few names in my head. I really like Kimberly. I always have. But I don't like "Kim" which is why I may choose "Kathy" or "Kathryn" as a middle name and let people refer to me as Kimberly first or "Kate" if they wish. Growing up I used to refer to myself as "Alice" a lot too, but I don't see it matching for me.
Ideas?
It's a weird process to go through, renaming yourself. From a sociological standpoint, you could have been given any name at birth and right now it would sound perfectly normal to you, but the odd thing is that when switching names, it's not as if you can just pick another one at random and just as naturally learn to associate yourself with it. Some sound right, some sound wrong. But enough of that.
I picked a name at first which was good enough, but on the understanding that it was a placeholder. It was a fairly common name and one which sounded similar to my male name, and consequently it was a fairly easy jump to make in terms of associating it with who I am. It was more like jumping from Harry to Harriet (not my real name, just an example), rather than from Harry to Sparkle Forest. It grew on me too, and I didn't really feel the need to change it after living with it for a while.
My actual female name is one that sounds kind of similar to my male name, but has some input from relatives and friends. It fits. It has some meaning behind it. It's still simple and plain, and it's also age-appropriate (I checked baby names from the years around when I was born, because that's what girls my age are supposed to be called.) There's nothing more weird than someone young with an old person's name or vice versa.
So yeah, it's a complex process, but it doesn't have to be permanent until you're ready for it. A temporary name is perfectly fine for now, and you might just find that it fits after all.
I agree with Brenda in that picking a name close to your birth name seems to settle a bit better in your mind atleast for me. (Michael to Michelle). You also want to consider how it sounds with your last name.
I purposefully avoided that similarity. Yes, the first letter stayed the same, but it changed from there in. I wasn't going to go from Michael to Michelle. I also wasn't going to use the name my parents would have named me either. I found out that name they used when they had my sister, but I should know I had already chose my first name by the time I found that out. Whether that will be the case for you or not is hard to say. So in the end it came down to something that fit me that I liked. I did take listen to other peoples opinions, but ultimately it came down to what worked for me. Regardless of what they may have chosen. Ultimately you will decide what name works for you.
Mariah.
Quote from: michelle82 on October 17, 2014, 09:44:08 AM
I agree with Brenda in that picking a name close to your birth name seems to settle a bit better in your mind atleast for me. (Michael to Michelle). You also want to consider how it sounds with your last name.
When I asked my parents what my boy name was a long time ago, my mom was like "we knew you'd be a girl." :( If your mom wanted a girl that badly, she might surprise you with a positive reaction when you come out to her. I hope that ends up being the case.
So how do I do this without outing myself?
Also I'm like 75% settled on Kimberly. It fits and it was popular from around the late 70s to early 80s. I also don't know any of my relatives with that name. I only know one of my coworkers with it but she's kind of a celebrity anyway so that doesn't count.
You could try this. I was just wondering what I would have been named if I had born in a girl. However, I would mix it into another conversation and casually bring it up and see what happens if the mood is right. This way your not giving yourself away if your not ready yet.
Mariah
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 17, 2014, 01:15:18 PM
So how do I do this without outing myself?
I was thinking to ask how they chose my name then asking in a roundabout way.
I would think that would work. I wouldn't think they would suspect anything.
Mariah
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 17, 2014, 09:58:43 PM
I was thinking to ask how they chose my name then asking in a roundabout way.
This is probably my morbid thought process coming through, but here goes:
I think Kimberly Katherine sounds pretty, but only if your last name also doesn't start with a K.
Apparently, my parents thought I was going to be a girl (they were right!) and I was going to be Robin. I wouldn't have minded that name... I almost wish I had been more reconciled with my mom before I chose my name and I probably would've picked it. I recommend the route of finding a way to ask them.
Myself, I prefer names that aren't similar to the previous one... but I totally get why people would want one that is similar.
Quote from: Gothic Dandy Luca on October 17, 2014, 10:49:38 AM
When I asked my parents what my boy name was a long time ago, my mom was like "we knew you'd be a girl." :(
That's the response I got too. So of course a year or two later my mom was upset she didn't get to choose >.<
I made it up to my mother to pick my final name which really wasn't that hard, went from nick to nicole.
I think with names you need to be smart, have a look at what was "trending" the year you were born. Theresa no use going for a name that is trending in 2014 because it's a sure fire way to be clocked.
I think Picking out around 10 names you like and askingt them to pick the final name is a way they can be involved in this time and it may even help them through it a bit.
Ha! Last name does not begin with a K. I thought of that lol.
My current first name is Ryan. I hate hate hate hate hate it. That said as a child lots of people would feminize it as I was a pretty girly child. It's a unisex name from what I was told.
I could keep the R and go with Renee or something similar. I could go with Brianna or Rianna but I hate those names. But people called me those names before. I like Roxanne as well.
I'm choosing popular names from the early 80s late 70s as I was born in 78.
I've been out to my parents for awhile, and though I picked my own first name (Joe>Joan), I figured I'd ask if they would like to choose a middle name. They weren't interested :/
Eventually the name came to me. I work at an urban farm and there was a beautiful weed that popped up in one of our beds. I kept wondering "what is it?" but never looked it up. While thinking about middle names one day, Althea (a grateful dead song) caught my mind. It turns out the plant I had been adoring was an althea (hollyhock) :D and the name means "healing," which is what I see myself doing after I finish healing myself.
I asked Dad.
He basically said that he didn't know what sex I would have been born and they didn't choose a name. There was no ultrasound available back then in my country. Mom was hoping for a girl (I guess late is better than never?) but she didn't choose a name. He said he chose it from a TV show.
I didn't ask what they'd have named me. Maybe I will when we skype again. He's having problems with his iPad after the latest OS update.
I think I'll be out to them pretty soon. But I need to be ready. I'm not. It's already hard getting my wife to accept. :\
I'm very happy you were able to get that far. Hopefully next time you can find out what he chose. Considering it came from a TV show though would have me worried about what the name was. Sorry to here he is having problems with his iPad. No need to rush yourself. You will be able to tell them when your ready. As others have said already it will take your wife time. Be patient on all fronts. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 18, 2014, 07:10:11 PM
I asked Dad.
He basically said that he didn't know what sex I would have been born and they didn't choose a name. There was no ultrasound available back then in my country. Mom was hoping for a girl (I guess late is better than never?) but she didn't choose a name. He said he chose it from a TV show.
I didn't ask what they'd have named me. Maybe I will when we skype again. He's having problems with his iPad after the latest OS update.
I think I'll be out to them pretty soon. But I need to be ready. I'm not. It's already hard getting my wife to accept. :\
Mom called me this morning and I think my dad got wind of why I asked and told her. :\
The hits just keep on coming?
Quote from: jojoglowe on October 18, 2014, 12:11:56 PM
I work at an urban farm and there was a beautiful weed that popped up in one of our beds.
And just where is this urban farm? :police:
On high street???
I take it that call didn't go so well. I wouldn't let the first reaction get to you though. When I first told my mom I was transitioning she insisted she would never call me by the name I wanted to be referred to by. She didn't stick to that tune very long. At first it looked like she wouldn't be supportive at all, but she has been the complete opposite. She has been supportive and helpful through my transition so far. Each parent or parents are going to react differently and regardless they are going to need to time to get used to it. Hang in there and Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 19, 2014, 11:45:02 AM
Mom called me this morning and I think my dad got wind of why I asked and told her. :\
The hits just keep on coming?
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 19, 2014, 11:45:02 AM
Mom called me this morning and I think my dad got wind of why I asked and told her. :\
The hits just keep on coming?
Maybe, but in a good way?
So your dad suspects? And your mom knows that your dad suspects and she called you? How did that conversation go? Did she seem angry, concerned, puzzled, happy, excited, what?
Did you fold and tell her? Deny everything?
The weight that'll be lifted from your shoulders once they know is immense. Perhaps it's not a bad thing that they're starting to join the dots. ;)
She seemed worried. She asked if everything was ok because I've been asking dad some weird questions.
I'm glad she cared enough to be concerned. It sounds like she is leaving the door open for you to tell them though.
Mariah
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 19, 2014, 12:54:20 PM
She seemed worried. She asked if everything was ok because I've been asking dad some weird questions.
I know we aren't voting, but I vote for Renee! It's such a beautiful name, and with a meaning of "rebirth/reborn," it sounds perfect :D
Quote from: missymay on October 19, 2014, 11:52:35 AM
And just where is this urban farm? :police:
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 19, 2014, 11:56:50 AM
On high street???
www.franklintongardens.org (http://www.franklintongardens.org) It's down in Franklinton (The Bottoms) :D If anyone's local to me and want's to check it out, use the contact us or volunteer link on our website, I'm volunteer coordinator and will be the one to respond.
By all means, vote!!!
Renee Katherine <my last name beginning with J>. I love the ring to it. Keeping the R would solve a lot of issues too but could also out me in some circles. Given that I'm not likely to be deep stealth anyway it probably won't matter.
Love love love Renee. I'm keeping it. ;D
Reborn is exactly how I'm feeling.
http://www.ohbabynames.com/meaning/name/renee/967#.VEh1R_nF98E
It's also age appropriate since I was born in 1978.
"it became apparent that Renee was headed for the Top 100 list – an honor she finally achieved in 1959 and would hold for 20 years (until 1979). "
Quote from: Brenda E on October 19, 2014, 12:45:14 PM
Maybe, but in a good way?
So your dad suspects? And your mom knows that your dad suspects and she called you? How did that conversation go? Did she seem angry, concerned, puzzled, happy, excited, what?
Did you fold and tell her? Deny everything?
The weight that'll be lifted from your shoulders once they know is immense. Perhaps it's not a bad thing that they're starting to join the dots. ;)
So an update on this, my therapist suggested I hold off on coming out to my parents until things settle down with my wife. She did suggest that I talk to HR at work (it's in my other thread).
I kind of agree. I have zero idea how accepting they would be. On the other hand, all I really want from my parents is their love and acceptance. I have zero in terms of material things like inheritance and money that I would want from them because I'm an independent woman, have been through most of my adult life.
I am absolutely in love with Renee!
Now do I use the accent or not? I really love the accent but I am wondering if it fits culturally for me, as I am from the Caribbean and my old country is English speaking, not French.
I have also been practicing my new signature, and I love it too. Much better than the old chickenscratch.
:)
If it were me, I'd go without the accent. Seems like it avoid the whole...
Clerk: "We can't find you in the system"
Me: "There's an accent on the e"
Clerk: "A what?"
At least in my part of the world, it would create chaos.
That's true. I might still use it with the accent informally and in my signature.
My plan had been to go with whatever my parents would've named me if I had been a boy. If my SO at the time hadn't veto'd that particular name, that's what I would've gone with. I asked my mom about it prior to coming out to her, and she was none the wiser. Just slip it into an innocent conversation. It's super easy to do if someone in your family is having a baby/adopting a baby/etc.
I did let my folks pick my middle name. I thought it would be particularly meaningful for my dad.
The process of renaming yourself is intensely personal.
I applaud your willingness to involve your family to see what you would have been named.
I, personally, chose a name with absolutely 0 artifacts of my old life.
New First, New Middle, New Last.
Thankfully my parents are divorced and my father committed suicide (his farewell letter blamed my transition!) so there is really no one to be offended when I drop it all.
Renee sounds absolutely love.
Kami