After viewing this website for longer than I can remember, I have come to the conclusion that this a relaxed, informative space I would like to support and participate in.
The name I have chosen for myself that gives me a lot of comfort is Satyrane. I am a disabled college student pursuing a bachelor's degree in English. My original goal was to enter the publishing industry as an editor for fiction novels. However, I'm keeping my options open, and contemplating entering a master's program of some sort. While I have known I was trans male since I was 5, a variety of reasons have caused me to repress that.
First of all, even through my mother completely accepted me, she urged me to not transition because she wanted to protect me from transphobia, and felt that having me stay as a what appeared to be a heterosexual female would improve my quality of life.
Second, as I studied the DSM-IV, I felt that I could never medically transition. I'm attracted to men, and enjoy androgynous expression. Under the DSM-IV, I would not have been a good candidate for transition, and would instead probably be treated for transvestite fetishism or repressed lesbianism.
Thirdly, I grew up never seeing or interacting with trans men of any kind of variance of gender expression. They all seemed to be straight, masculine men with typical male interests. Compared to them, I felt like a freak.
With all these factors combined, I came to the conclusion by middle school that I just was a confused straight girl with penis envy and anime pretty boys on the brain. From then on, I tried to teach myself I was just a masculine woman. However, I could not kill the gnawing pain deep inside that said I was not who I was supposed to be.
In the last two years, I've suffered a crippling depression that almost ended in suicide. Among the cacophony of other sorrows and fears, my repressed gender came right up to the surface. I can no longer deal with the pain, and I don't believe I can fully recover from my prolonged illness without coming out. I will disclose my feelings to my therapist this Monday. I hope it will be the start of my transition.
I want to participate in Susan's Place because I have no access to the transgender community in my area due to transportation issues. It is important to me that I form strong relations with those like me because I have come to fear the transgender community. As an outsider looking in for years as a "straight cisgender ally," I have learned that the party line in the trans and GLB communities is "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." There is a demand for hegemony and assimilation that makes their cries of "tolerance and love" ring phony. The message I have received from the trans community is that not only am I not welcome because of my gender expression, disability, and religion, but my presence amongst them would undermine their fight for civil rights because I somehow confirm the negative stereotypes used against us.
I can't become the androgynous gay trans man I am without giving and receiving the support of the transgender community. I need to reach out, and learn to trust my fellow trans folk. Even now, I fear you'll read my story, and judge me for being the wrong kind of trans or not even believe I'm trans. I hope through this forum, I can become a better person, and be of use to you.
Hey Satyrane
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
You're right, we are quite relaxed and open around here. Likewise we don't make judgements about how a person explores their gender identity so please be assured no one will be accusing you of 'not being the right' trans person. I hope you can find the info, support and connections you are looking for.
Please check out the following links for general site info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Cheers
Grace
Welcome Satyrane to Susan's family.
I would work closely with your therapist and be honest.
Sometimes information overload clouds our true feelings.
Wish you find what you seek. Life is never something to waste.
Hugs
Hi Satyrane, welcome to the site. I'm from Boston. First, there is no wrong kind of transgender. I read your post and you describe many insurmountable hurdles. Yet my time here has shown me that most of the people here arrive, say they'll never be able to transition, learn, share, transition (even though they thought they never would), and move on from the site. I call them Graduates. Go ahead and be that androgynous gay guy. If that's who you know yourself to be, anything else is just living a lie.
Watch out with that DSM material, some of that information is outdated, contested, and some areas of it aren't even allowed to be discussed on the site (->-bleeped-<-, for example)
See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hey Satyrane.. :)
Big Hello, and welcome to Susan's.
It's nice to meet you.
Enjoy the resources and great people here.
take care,
Mark
Satyrane
Welcome to Susans. We are pleased that you have joined us and hope that you find the support and information that you seek.
Safe travels
Aisla
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 19, 2014, 10:55:54 AM
Hi Satyrane, welcome to the site. I'm from Boston. First, there is no wrong kind of transgender. I read your post and you describe many insurmountable hurdles. Yet my time here has shown me that most of the people here arrive, say they'll never be able to transition, learn, share, transition (even though they thought they never would), and move on from the site. I call them Graduates. Go ahead and be that androgynous gay guy. If that's who you know yourself to be, anything else is just living a lie.
Watch out with that DSM material, some of that information is outdated, contested, and some areas of it aren't even allowed to be discussed on the site (->-bleeped-<-, for example)
See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
I thank you for your kind words; they warm my heart.
I mentioned the DSM-IV because that was the version I grew up with (I was a nerd who liked to read it as a hobby) so that was the standard I was holding myself up to. I thank the heavens that it's going to be replaced with Gender Dysphoria in the new version but I still hold a grudge toward that book. I am disgusted by the treatment transgender folk have been given over the decades and even in the present, and while I have faith in the therapist I am seeing, I am still very suspicious of the medical community. To be honest, I've been screwed over by a variety of doctors for so many reasons (most of which not even trans related), I don't think I'll ever trust them.
Hi Satyrane and welcome to Susan's. I heard all that stuff about particular expressions of gender hurting civil rights. It was trans people and drag queens who started the movement. By concentrating on hegemony and assimilation, the drive for civil rights took longer than it should have, in my opinion.
However you present, you are normal and welcome here.
:)
Quote from: Satyrane on October 19, 2014, 08:05:58 PM
I thank you for your kind words; they warm my heart.
I mentioned the DSM-IV because that was the version I grew up with (I was a nerd who liked to read it as a hobby) so that was the standard I was holding myself up to. I thank the heavens that it's going to be replaced with Gender Dysphoria in the new version but I still hold a grudge toward that book. I am disgusted by the treatment transgender folk have been given over the decades and even in the present, and while I have faith in the therapist I am seeing, I am still very suspicious of the medical community. To be honest, I've been screwed over by a variety of doctors for so many reasons (most of which not even trans related), I don't think I'll ever trust them.
My Mom was a librarian, I'm a reader, too. Are you familiar with the WPATH Standards Of Care? Here's a link: https://www.susans.org/wiki/Standards_of_Care_for_Gender_Identity_Disorders It should take you a while to chew through that.
Hugs, Devlyn