Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read this, grab some popcorn and settle in, this may be a long one...
So I'm 28 years old now. I have known something wasn't quite right since I was very young. One of my earliest memories is going to watch The Crystal Maze (with Richard O'Brian as host to show you how long ago that was) in my mums bedroom as my old man was watching TV downstairs. I used to do it every week, and every week I would dress in my mums underwear etc in the (semi) privacy of her room. At the time though I didn't understand what it all meant.
As time went on and gender stereotypes and expectations became clear I made a concerted effort to play my role in life as a boy, but still dressing up now and again and never really thinking what it actually meant.
One day when I was about 14 I was staying with my old man (parents divorced and I lived with mother) and we were up late with a couple of friends watching the Daytona 500 NASCAR race. It was maybe 0300 in the morning and they had drifted off so I went upstairs planning on sleeping. I was curious as to the contents of the locked cupboards in the spare room so I did a bit of exploring and found the cupboard key and lo and behold I came across a fairly substantial collection of womens clothes.
This never really bothered me knowing my old man liked to cross dress. By this point in life I had accepted that there was something very wrong with my sense of gender identity (to the point I had held scissors and knives against my "stuff" willing myself to cut them off so I had an excuse to go for surgery) but I could never tell him I knew what his secret was. IMO it was his private life and he can do what he likes.
So age 15 rolls around and I conclude that I must be transgender and so I do what any 15 year old who lives with his mother does. I planned on telling her and asking for help. Some dutch courage later and I tell her...
...she laughs, she tells me not to be so daft. That its just a phase etc. As I'm sure you can imagine this had a somewhat negative effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly and I know she was only doing what she thought was right. But this sent me down a path of trying to cure myself. I got trophy girlfriends, fast cars, spent 4+ hours in the gym every day to make myself look manly and be surrounded by things that a man should be surrounded by. None of it helped. I still knew deep down something was very very wrong. But I managed to keep it subdued and try my best to live the lie that everyone thought I should live.
So here we are. 28 years old. 6 foot plus. Size 12-13 shoe size and in a very very dark place. My father killed himself last year. Was it money worries? mental illness? who knows, there was no suicide note. The 2 things I do know are 1 - he pre planned his suicide because one of the first things I did was go into the house to make sure nobody came across his stash of clothing, after all, he was dead now, why change the memories people had of him? However it was all gone. the cupboards were bare. He had destroyed it all himself knowing that people might find it after his suicide.
Secondly, and hardest to deal with, the only person I could ever plan to speak to within my support network, who would unequivocally understand what I was going through was gone. So as it stands today, I have a job I love, it took about 15 years but finally I have a job that I don't dread going to. However it is within a Christian organisation and I have seen the way that staff deal with trans women, its not that they are bad people, just most are very fundamentalist Christians who believe the bible is literal.
I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me, she had to move down south as a condition of her dream job, but we make it work and I get to see her when I can. She knows I have some feminine qualities, but she would very likely not be accepting if I told her. Distance puts enough stress on our relationship without this revelation.
I have a small friends group. my 2 closest friends are very "alpha" and would definitely not take this well.
I am currently being treated for depression as a result of the suicide and am currently throwing 375mg of Venlafaxine down me daily. So I don't know how the doctor will take this.
And then there is my mum. we have already seen her reaction from 13 years ago, I cant see much having changed.
So from where I'm standing I see 2 options:
1 - Live a lie, be the man I am expected to be, probably deal with depression related to this for the rest of my life and without wanting to sound to melodramatic probably end up dead of suicide sometime in my 40s.
2 - Speak to the doctor. Most likely loose my friends, my girlfriend, my job and what is left of my family. But do what I have always knows was the right thing since childhood. However, due to my late start and hard work in the gym earlier in life probably never be what you could describe as "passable"
If you have stayed with this I thank you so much, have a cookie or a gold star.
TL;DR - Be who i want and loose everything or live a lie and die at 40.
Welcome to Susan's family
There are a few here that should have information to help.
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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?
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Izzy
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Hi Bellatrix, thanks for sharing your experiences. I'll be right up front with you, I wish I had a nickel for every time I've read this life story. You found your way to this place for a reason, that reason is because you're transgender. You can't unknow it, so just move forward.
Hugs, Devlyn
Bellatrix
Thank you for sharing your story and for joining Susans. Whether you seek to address these issues or not, they will not go away and will likely only increase. Please read widely on this forum. Ask questions. Seek support. We are here for each other. When you are ready find a good gender therapist and join a support group. Then take your time. Plot your course.
You may be trans or you may not. You may be binary or you may not. You may need to transition or you may not. There are so many permutations that your first answer is unlikely to be your final understanding. Don't overthink this. Feel your way forward. Seek to understand and to accept yourself. From there you will determine how best to express yourself and how best to manage key relationships in your life. You have one life, it is very precious. This time - the process and the journey is likely to be more important than the destination.
Safe travels
Aisla
Hey thanks for the welcome, and the popcorn... although one salty bit always finds its way into my carton of sweet :eusa_sick:
I have spoken to my GP who was about as understanding as you can expect when a 6 foot 2, 250 pound guy goes "oh, there is something you should know..." Thankfully I already had a psychologist appointment for this Friday but the reality is that it gives me a second medical professional to speak to in fairly short order and then back to my GP for a follow up the week after, so things are moving in the right direction at least.
I'll bet you have heard the story a million times, its how it always starts isn't it. I was actually referred here by on of my twitter friends when i asked her for some advice. As for Bellatrix, its a name I use for gaming more than anything else, feel free to just call me Bella.
Thanks again for the welcome.
It's shared experiences concentrated in one spot, Bella. Your situation is unique, but the commonalities are unmistakable.
Hugs, Devlyn
Hello Bellatrix and welcome to Susan's. My condolences on the passing of your father. I'm happy that you are progressing forward to become person you know you are. Glad that you found the site.
:)