So, I should be happy. I'm doing work in the media, getting my name out there, documentary, interviews, maybe on some TV show down the line, making others happy, letting them know they can be themselves, start a job today working with little kids, last semester of class, surgery next year, 22 years old, hormones and the like for almost 2 years, supposedly pretty good looking, according to guys, just blend in as another girl all the time, no questions asked, though I feel unbelievably ugly. But yet, I'm not happy, to say the least, at this moment. I'm worried about my classes, which I think can be resolved, but more to the point, I'm just really angry and sad about myself right now.
Reason being, I'm just so furious at myself for not starting hormones younger than 20, having tried since age 16. So yep, the past is creeping and taking over my present, and, as such, with this cycle, the future as well. It's preaching to the choir, surely, but having always known, I'm just so furious at my past self for not being further outspoken. I suppose the more accurate term is words with impact, since I had said I was a girl at 2, played with all girly toys, said I didn't want it anymore at 3, etc. Just so furious at this face, I don't see a girl looking back, heck, I don't see a person, period, most days! My breasts are deformed and tiny, to add to my shot confidence, not to mention my voice, which is middling (but suffices) at best, which was below as soon as I was born. I just wish I could've had Lupron or the like, when I was younger because I'm so angry at myself, and especially given the time period I was born in; the early 1990s. No excuse. Yeah, these are the really traditional, media stereotypes, but they're my story.
There's also the factor of my father; he only got to see 37 days of me, living as me, before he passed. I can't even relieve good days with him, in any medium, be it video, or especially photos, since there's not the person that should have been in those.
My brain keeps locking up, and getting me down, and angry at my past failures, with emotional and physical pain soaring through my head and shoulders, making me break down and cry nearly every 5 to 10 minutes tonight. It's so annoying and painful, because the one thing that cannot be changed is the past, while everything else can be for now, and the future. It's also a problem for me, because I work with entirely other girls, which is great, for social, interpersonal reasons, surely, but it makes me envy so much of them. Furthermore, the friends who I talk with about transition are all younger than me; mostly those in their teens, like Jazz, because that matches most of my narrative and story. So while it's nice to not be alone there, it's a double edged sword in what emotions come of it; I feel like a freak compared to all of them, who look like, well, people.
I should've been natal, and I really haven't gotten over that, even though I realize the impossibility. However, the next best scenario on, I was so stupid on, and can't forgive myself, and I hate me so very much for this. I should've developed like any other girl, with her memories, not the crappy ones I have right now, of my past, that really are destroying me, and shouldn't be. I just need to see a girl in the photos, the videos, the something. I feel terribly inadequate because I didn't have those rites of passage; not many do, understandably. This itself doesn't change the fact it should have happened, in fact, it makes me more perturbed by that-I should've have been, and then some. I want to have memories of 15 year old me laughing with her friends, enjoying herself, rather than isolated in her room, trying to self-strangulate with a belt. 17 year old me is happy to wear that robe for graduation, because it means she's overcome not just school, but one of the big demons in her life. Instead, that memory, in reality, is me screaming for me not to go to my graduation, because so much was wrong, down to the (male) robe color, name, and so much more. The most I take away from that day is that I only went because I could get a nice meal after. That's it. I want my distant past to have strong, powerful, beautiful, female memories, not the dark ones that fill the mind at present, that remind me of my awful past, that should have never existed. I tried so hard at this, to transition in my teens, to no avail, you all likely don't know the half of that. I hate me so much for that; that's what you'll never know, probably won't.
Last but not least, my god awful hair. You can't tell in this photo, but I have the world's worst hair. All over the place, won't grow even to my shoulders, super wavy, so there's no sense of direction, it's impossible to style, it's thinned out from the two years since starting hormones, from a very thick cuticle, to a very thin one. And oh yeah, of course, my mother believes it is balding, which I've been taking testosterone blockers to treat that! It is very scary, makes me wonder what is going on. Because I'm not hating myself enough as is for hormones and memories too late, I need that to foul up as well. Figures.
These breakdowns are really eating at all my energy and sense of self. Please help; thank you if you do. Really desperate with how this feels.
Jess. This is perhaps the biggest transition independent hurdle for many of us to overcome. I know other girls not transitioning that have to face the same demons, safely locked away in the past where they cannot be changed. And that really is the issue. Here is this problem, something so wrong and hurtful that you can't take any real action on. You can't make it change. You can't make it go away. You can't hide from it. But you can change your perspective and learn from it.
This is something I've struggled deeply with too. The sense of loss over a past not experienced has been immense. As had the feeling of being betrayed by myself. I've been speaking to my therapist a long while about it all. Paraphrasing, she says that to succeed and really find peace in the long term, you have to find a way to make peace with the past. It's something I've been working on for a long while, and have made some degree of success. I no longer hate my past, which is a massive achievement.
I really feel for you Jess. And maybe in some ways I think that transitioning while young ( from my point of view ) is harder. I don't know if you'd call it wisdom, but the mind does seem to get more resilient with age.
I wish I could give you some better advice or help myself, but I think this is something we all need to deal with, with the help of professional counseling. I know that I could not have faced my past alone.
I'm also sorry for your father. I hope you can find peace in the fact that he knew the real you. My father and baby sister never had that chance.
xx
I understand how you feel completely Jess. I'm 23 myself and just starting my medical transition (FINALLY) but I've struggled with dysphoria all my life. Unfortunately I never even knew "transgender" was a word until I turned 19. I grew up in a conservative area, went to catholic school and lived a very very sheltered life until college. Gay people were a novelty to me - transgender wasn't even a concept in my head. Looking back it tears at me how obvious everything was if anyone in my family had a clue. I attempted self-mutilation of my genitals twice as a child and I was (and am) very effeminate by any standards. My parents not knowing any better or for whatever reason thought sending me to all-boys schools for the first 18 years of my life was a good idea. I resisted every attempt at doing male activities and following male social norms and I never quite figured out how to be "a guy". I'm just not wired that way. Everyone I know assumes I'm just a very gay male (as I kind of aside - I'm really not... I'm basically asexual).
I look at MtFs who are my age that got the support I didn't have when they were young kids and it tears at me. I missed a childhood as a girl. I missed high school as a girl. I missed college as a young woman. I went through the first 18 years of my life without a single friend because my parents continually pushed me into all-boys activities and groups. I don't blame them - what they saw was a lonely confused boy that didn't quite fit in and they tried to get me into these activities to make friends. I just kick myself every day for not finding out about transitioning earlier. If only I had google searched "sex change" or if only I had been exposed to a trans person earlier in my life. I try and imagine the memories I could had as a girl - having friends, not being suicidal my entire life, not self mutilating and not cringing at the sight of myself. It's one of the reasons I can't bring myself to be around the trans community. People are getting help younger and younger (and I am so happy for them that they are having that opportunity) but I just tear myself up thinking how I didn't have that opportunity.
I still consider myself lucky in some ways. Despite starting so late, I don't think my body ever fully masculinized (quite possibly from some permanent damage to testicles during my self mutilation attempts) although I doubt I will ever truly be passable. My voice is definitely in the male range. My face has classic male bone structure - brows, prominent chin, large square jaw. I'm 5'10' and by no means petite but I seem to have a female shape already (small ribcage, small waist, wide hips) and virtually no body or facial hair (minus some awful looking chin hair). I look at the damage testosterone has done to my body and I cry if I see myself in a mirror. I fear that I will never pass and I'll never be seen as a woman. I know even if I do eventually pass the journey is going be incredibly difficult. I worry that someone will find out I am trans and physically hurt or kill me. I saw the hate and bullying and physical abuse I received from being perceived as a gay or effeminate man and I can only imagine how much worse it will be if I am perceived as being a trans woman.
The one upside I have is that my parents couldn't have been more supportive since I came out to them. As clueless as they were about the subject of being transgender they continue to love me with all their hearts and they've educated themselves and they're funding every part of my transition. The moment I learned what was possible I began. I know everyone says to take it slow, but I've pretty much thrown all caution to the wind and I've fast tracked everything - I managed to see a therapist a month after coming out, I started hormones a month later. I'm planning on going full time soon with FFS and voice surgery planned for next summer. By then I can get a consult and hopefully a surgery date for GCS hopefully by 2016. I went through college as a man, but by no means do I intend to graduate med school as anything but a woman. I already know I'm going to go overboard in terms of surgical interventions but quite frankly I can't stand the sight of myself - if I change every bit of me so be it.