hii, so I guess the title is self-explanatory.
I'm basically in a bubble or should I say trapped. After I came out, my mom started acting all different and she me went with me to another therapist to solve things for me. I beggedbegged to stay with same because I really love her, but unsucessful... This new team tried to diagnose me with Asperger's but it came inconclusive so I guess I don't have it and they were actively trying to persuade me my femininity was a result of being autistic. So yeah. To be completely honest, I was mad, hurt inside that they were suggesting my trans is a side effect of something else. In the report, there was written that my mom "never even saw any signs of gender dysphoria in |my name| and would never support her son in a process she knows is so painful and complex". SO YEAH. Thank you soooo much mommy. I'm so glad I can count on your support for everything. BS. Honestly, I never could count on my parents for emotinal support anyways, it just never happens. They always invalidated my emotions. My mom made it clear she would NEVER ever accept me being trans, despite years before actually seeming okay with the idea.
When I was 14 and had an emotional breakdown from the bullying I suffered at school, my dad came with rational excuses for the bullying. Oh it's your tone of voice, oh it's your skinniness, oh it's your effeminacy. And lastly, he said he just couldn't understand how I was hurting in times where difference is so much more tolerated. Also said I probably hallow in self-pity. that's what he said, now he's moved away and I only see him about one time a month if even that. He didn't want to have us at his home because he claims we'd be better off if we stayed with our mom and have more stability but it's actually because he's selfish and doesn't want to take care of us.
They always criticized me for my manneirisms. My mom told me since young that if I do this or that I would be discriminated against. and also that gilrs wouldn't want to play with me when I was older, which I guess turned to be true cause I'm now a social outcast. But now that I bring up that I want to transition, yipee, surprise, I get told I'm not feminine enough and act like such a man and oh don't have a woman's complicated mind. What? I just can't believe my mom's acting this way.
you'll probably need to just hang in there until your on your own.
I had no choice but to learn independence from my parents. Early, as in 11-12 years old as they split and I was home alone a lot. It paid off because when I emigrated I made a whole new life for myself without leaning on them.
Dad stopped talking to me as a teen because I was acting out and had tons of behavior problems (gee I wonder why), a complete 180 from when I was pre puberty and a mostly happy child. It got so bad he called the cops each time after multiple episodes and suicide attempts. But after 9/11 we started talking and we are good now.
Aurora,
Denial is powerful and will bar all information. It is driven by fear, fear of loss, lack of understanding, an inability to emphasize. Your parents are in denial. They love their son, and don't see the beauty of their daughter. "Ever" is a long time, but you may have to cope with a lack of support from them for some time. That is so very sad, but is too often the case.
So how do you express your truth? I wish I had an easy answer to that, I'm not sure there is one except to know that you are neither crazy nor alone. Till the time comes when they learn that acceptance is the foundation of love, or until you are on your own, I hope that you can stay strong, and that within the confines of what is possible find ways to express who you are.
I found theater and music as an outlet where a girly boy could find a niche. What I hope doesn't happen to you is what eventually was my story. Stuffing who I was deep down inside a layer of personna. Just made myself and others miserable for a very long time.
I wish you strength and hope,
Julie
Quote from: stephaniec on October 20, 2014, 06:13:51 AM
you'll probably need to just hang in there until your on your own.
I know. I'm hurting. I'm hurting because I know I am, have been and will be on my own. I only get it that they would never accept me liking men, much less being trans. My mom and dad both said hurtful things about LGBT, but my mom's favorite is "I like gays guys who are normal, not flamboyant ones" God what??? Can't she see I'm basically a fairy. she probably can but prefers to ignore it and act like I'm not there, or that I'm another completely different person.
some history: my voice is very high picthed like 270-280 Hz, which I am trying to get down cuz I like sounding female but don't want to sound like chipmunk, my natural voice would be somewhere around 220-240 Hz, can't grow a beard and I'm skinny. I am also 18. I started puberty at normal age, 11-12. I have always been more friends with girls since really young, I liked singing, drawing, playing with the dolls and asking my parents for princess castles but never getting them. and then at age 14, I started hurting bad, cause my girl friend left school and my other friend who's probably gay started badmouthing me and trying to prevent me from joining his new group, all girls, and I was left alone. Then came the bullying. Bullies are always cowards, so it was the perfect chance for them to harrass me cause I was all alone. Meanwhile my parents only invested time on their fights and then came my emotional breakdown and the hurtful things they said. They preferred not to deal with it and just put me in a therapist. But then my mom felt betrayed upon coming out, as if my therapist could have converted me to heteronormative which clearly would never happen. But she's delusional enough to think it could.
And Julie OMG not to sound disrespectful but the last thing my dad is in denial. My mom could be but my dad isn't. My dad knows better than anyone else and it's why he hates me. He doesn't talk to me, I don't talk to him either but yea. He hates my voice and he goes out of his way to make me feel bad. Like this time he was talking to my brother right beside me and said I look like I am 14 when I was 17. Luckily it didn't hurt me but I know it was meant to. Or this time he said he would rather DIE than having a son who gets a sex change. I'm sure that was intentional, he was even kinda smirking.
sorry you've had to endure so much abuse especially from your parents, but you have a lot of life to live and there are a lot of good people out there.
Hi Auroramanianna,
It is often so difficult when we rely on others for acceptance or support. I'm not sure of your age, but certainly once we have our independence, things are somewhat easier. However, in saying that, we often trade off independence for 'dependence', in the case of you mother and father. What I mean is others become dependent on us for love, support and care.
I think the first thing to think about is your 'independence'. I mean I'm sure your not too young, in fact you've made a decision to be yourself, which is fantastic. So sometimes we need to stand up and speak to those around us about what is working in our lives, and what isn't. This is so easy to say especially when we're dependent on someone else.
I once worked in dissability care with children so I'm aware of Aspergers. I'm also aware of the scope of expertise with Psychologists in this space. It is a specialist area, and so is the area of gender Dysphoria. Remember the therapist giving the diagnosis is most likely not experienced in gender diagnosis, however very experienced in Aspergers diagnosis. I also know that I can't think of too many correlations between the two diagnosis so I'm a bit lost how they came to that.
I wouldn't say they will never come around. In the end they have a choice, as do you right now. Your choice is whether you transition now, or later in life. I have no advice for when is better. But at the moment you have your parents who seem to have some level of influence in your life. Only you know whether that's the right level of influence or not. But rest assured, when they have no influence in your life, and they risk losing their daughter for ever, they may seriously rethink their attitude.
There are many factors to change, as many of us will know. Transition is not easy. I am 36, and I have four children, I have no idea how they will take my transition. You could say they are 'dependent' on me. But I am also 'dependent' on them, for love and acceptance. All I can do is show them love and respect. If they choose to not accept me, I can't change that, but I do know that everything I display in terms of being a good person, will stick in their mind. So one day, they will see how how happy this amazing person is. And so they are more likely to want to know me.
What I'm saying is simply 'we can't change other people' the only things we can change is our behaviours. Show positive behaviours and eventually others may come around.
Transition is not easy, we know that, but with focus we can make it work!
Hugs,
Bree
Quote from: Auroramarianna on October 20, 2014, 06:36:14 AM
And Julie OMG not to sound disrespectful but the last thing my dad is in denial. My mom could be but my dad isn't. My dad knows better than anyone else and it's why he hates me. He doesn't talk to me, I don't talk to him either but yea. He hates my voice and he goes out of his way to make me feel bad. Like this time he was talking to my brother right beside me and said I look like I am 14 when I was 17. Luckily it didn't hurt me but I know it was meant to. Or this time he said he would rather DIE than having a son who gets a sex change. I'm sure that was intentional, he was even kinda smirking.
You are not disrespectful at all :-*. It is your father who is being an insensitive jerk. WTF is he thinking saying things like that to you. For one thing, surgery is the confirmation of that which already is, it isn't changing anything, it is a celebration of an authentic human being. You are his daughter! And that is a tough enough burden to carry.
Hang in there,
Julie
Auroramarianna, I know where you're coming from because I had parents like that--although, truth be told, yours sound far worse than mine. It is hard to take when you realize that the two people who, more than anyone else in the world, are supposed to be on your side, aren't really on your side. It hurts when they make it plain that deep down inside they don't have any respect for you.
It helped me a lot when I got old enough to leave home. I went far, far away and didn't have much contact with my family for a lot of years. Not a great solution, but what else can you do? I don't know. Maybe you'll find a different path than the one I took. I wish you the best because I know you're in an awful position.
This sounds a lot like what I went through, except I was misdiagnosed autistic before I realized I was trans. Like you, I suffered emotional breakdowns at school and a battery of psychological testing that came up empty handed. Like you, I didn't know it was gender dysphoria. Like you, if I got bullied at school it was because I was "acting weird" and inviting ridicule even though nine times out of ten I was acting out because I was so messed up from dealing with my frigid mother and timid father who wouldn't stand up to her.
And you know what? You and I are not alone! I've talked to others who had to suffer the same damned thing.
I've been told by 3 different doctors that I communicate too well to be autistic, and my mother's response? That I'm "manipulating" my doctors!
I wish our mothers- collectively- could see these posts and put 2 and 2 together. Get a clue maybe that LOADS of people are being misdiagnosed as autistic spectrum disorder when it's just a convenient label for anyone who doesn't fit.
Feel free to show this to your mother... actually, I'll gladly talk to her about my experiences if it'll help. I just hope she's not as militant about always being right as my mother is!
*HUG*
I hate knowing that there are "parents" in this world which will willingly and deliberately foment this kind of psychological abuse in their children, whom they SHOULD be there to love and support unconditionally. Who view their offspring as a societal reflection of themselves, their own values and their own social hangups rather than as a unique human being needing and deserving of help in dealing with this.
At age 18 what are your actual options? I am assuming the main barrier to freedom at this point is a complete and absolute lack of support structure outside of your parents' home? Can they still legally control your medical choices other than simply by not paying for things they don't approve of?
I just wish there was something I could do to help. :/
Quote from: Delsorou on October 20, 2014, 01:29:53 PM
At age 18 what are your actual options? I am assuming the main barrier to freedom at this point is a complete and absolute lack of support structure outside of your parents' home? Can they still legally control your medical choices other than simply by not paying for things they don't approve of?
Um, I can start HRT without their consent because I already am 18. But in no way I could socially transition without my parents' support. I was hopeful my mom would at least to try to understand my situation. But she doesn't want to. I am feel so lonely it hurts. I don't have many friends, if any at the moment. Okay I do, but they live far.
I'm hoping I can move away from here as soon as possible.
Rose, IKR!!! But in my case, my mom doesn't really talk about Asperger's. I don't think she thinks I have it, she just wants my new therapist to solve my "mental problems" maybe? She hasn't said anything about this syndrome. Also, even after the diagnosis came inconclusive, my therapist was actively trying to convince me I have Asperger's by showin videos, talking about the huge spectrum, but I just felt like I didn't fit in. Especially because I was nowhere near an outcast kid. I had lots of girl friends. But now I'm social outcast, so IDK. But she's actually quite nice and sensitive and she realizes now that I grew up without validation. so it's improving but I don't believe I can count on her to transition.
edit: oh and showing her this site won't help unfortunately. In fact, she would probably find a way to block me from seeing it! When I came out to her, she said I shouldn't visit LGBT websites cause people there are abnormal and can influence people to live this lifestyle.... It was like my nightmare come true. I cried, a lot.
Quote from: Auroramarianna on October 20, 2014, 01:40:36 PM... I'm hoping I can move away from here as soon as possible. ...
What do you currently lack that prevents you from doing this? Income? Transporation?
Quote from: Delsorou on October 20, 2014, 06:54:57 PM
What do you currently lack that prevents you from doing this? Income? Transporation?
I am 18, and I'm still studying and I sincerely hope so much to be on college next year. I am joining this youth program where there are part-time jobs and I may earn something. I definitely neeedneeed a part-time job. I am really thinking of moving away from my country as soon as possible, maybe to study abroad.
Is there a possibility of going to a therapist? He or she might could advise you to places to meet mind a likes and thus make friends who will support you?
It does help a lot when family supports you and it feels like the biggest barrier when you feel they don't. But having friends with you is a big relieve too so I really hope you soon will find friends to support you.
And what I say in many threads, there is a lot you can do already before you even start with hormones. There are very feminine boys or even androgynous people. Maybe you could live like that and push the boundaries. Worst case scenario you are as good as ready to make the switch as soon as you move out then.
Take care ^^.
Hi Auroramarianna
Its been said before but you need to try and stay strong. I totally understand how your feeling, I myself was always the social outcast never understood or accepted. I too have lost my family both immediate and extended and I tell you it is the most horrible thing but the more you try to convince them to accept you the worse it will become.
Distancing yourself is a good idea, it has worked to extent for me but it doesn't stop the hate messages. Don't force anything on them and don't try to explain anything they don't want to hear. Listen to how they feel, you have had a long time to come to terms with your decision they have not. I have known I was a woman since I was 5-6 but have only been able to accept myself over 15-16 yrs later. It is the same for your parents they have only known the boy you have been not the girl you really are. Think of how hard it was to tell them and how hard it was to realize you had to tell them. It is twice as hard for them because they think they are losing a son/brother. They cant see this as them gaining a daughter/sister. That is why the harder you fight the harder they will resist.
I came out to my parents 13 months ago and it has only gone down hill, but now they are realising they have to choose between losing me or accepting the real me. Its been a hard road and it will be for you to. Nothing we do can change their minds, they alone need to learn to accept us, but only when they are ready.
PM me if you want to ask anything anytime I'll be happy to help
Hope your doing ok
Huggles ♡
Sez