Wow, people! You could have knocked me down with a feather—if I hadn't already been seated.
I went into my favorite café this morning, and just inside the door a young woman was sitting at a small table on her own. We smiled at each other, and I sat down at the table next to hers.
This immediately made me feel good. I do get smiles from women quite often. I've always assumed that meant they like my look. I don't often get smiles from men. On rare occasion one might be hitting on me a bit, but I don't really regret the lack of attention from men. It's flattering when I get it, but I simply don't need a man in my life right now. Maybe some day, but not now.
In any case, the smile I got from this woman was especially flattering because she was quite smashing herself. I'd put her in her late 20's, and quite pretty. And her outfit was really something: the layered look, a long-sleeve red top over which she'd put on a ruffly, purple, sleeveless, satin blouse that was simply gorgeous. Wide red hair band to match her top and black trousers and heels. Breath-taking.
Shortly before she left, she went up to the counter to pay the bill, and she asked the waitress where she could find some sort of shop—and I didn't catch what kind of shop she was asking about. The waitress of course told her what she wanted to know.
After she sat back down, I decided to strike up a conversation with her and so I asked her, "What kind of shop were you looking for?" A health food shop—and I confirmed for her that the waitress had given her good information. And so we got to chatting.
The first thing she asked me was if I was into art. The look on my face must have told her that I was puzzled as to why she'd be asking me that, so she said, "It's just that you look so glamorous, I thought you might be the artistic type." Wow! You could have knocked me down with a feather—if I hadn't already been seated. And we carried on with our conversation.
After she left, I began reflecting on some of the experience I've had among women over the last two years since I came out. One thing seems true to me: that women find it easier to bond than men. E.g., when I asked her, "What kind of shop were you looking for?": not a question I'd ever have asked any man back in the old days. It seems a bit intrusive. But I've learned that women don't mind that sort of thing at all. It's just a way of saying, "Hi! Would you like a bit of a chat?"—and a woman is always ready for a bit of a chat.
This isn't to say that two men who don't know each other won't bond. They will, or they might. But I think men always feel the need to "sniff each other out" first. I think that men are more territorial, more competitive than women, and so bonding between them isn't as spontaneous as it is between women.
But it also seems to me there's good reason for this. We talk about society's expectations and gender roles, and if men are that bit more territorial and competitive than women, it's because that's what they're expected to be. Many women want to marry "a good provider", i.e., a man with a high-power job. And you don't get a high-power job without being competitive.
And so it seems to me that there's often (if not always) a barrier between men that doesn't exist between women. But we mustn't over-simplify things. There can be barriers between women—age, class, race, religion—if women want them to be there.
What I'm saying is that from my experience I've come to believe that women are more united by their common experience than men are, and so women find bonding easier. There's more of a universal sisterhood among women than there is a brotherhood among men. I can get on a crowded train, e.g., sit down beside a woman more or less my age, and within a couple of minutes we'll be chatting away. In my old life, I never had that with a man.
And I've realized that this is one major reason I'm a lot happier these days. I'm not so lonely; I don't feel so isolated. Because everywhere I go, all around me, I have plenty of sisters with whom it is so easy to establish a bond. Especially because of my age: a friend of mine, another T-girl my age, agreed with me that when you come out at our age, you're joining a "little old ladies' club". The club actually starts at around 50, perhaps even your late 40's, but older women especially find it so easy to strike up relations between them. It's a beautiful thing.
Now a disclaimer: obviously I'm speaking from my own experience, and in the things I've said here there's plenty of room for disagreement. In particular, where I'm saying that women find it easier to bond than men, some of you guys might disagree with that. If so, please don't hesitate to speak up. I'm not looking for an argument here. I'm simply relating my own experience and "what seems to me". If your experience is different, by all means say so. That's what I personally come to forums for: to relate my own experience and to learn from other people's.
Best wishes to all,
Foxglove
That sounds like a really lovely experience :) Congratulations Foxglove!
Great topic..
Errrrrr, I can't bond with men.? I don't think I've ever had a male friend my whole life I felt bonded to, not even my father.?
It's kind of weird I guess.. I can bond in almost minutes with women..
I have one guy on my FB, this ex-marine dude, he's really nice and all, but something inside me just wants him to go away and leave me alone.? I don't even know why.?
Im glad you had such a nice experience Foxglove, it's great to hear a positive story like yours first off in the morning..!
:D
I have always seemed to bond with females and its always has been on an emotional level and its never been on a sexual level because I have never been that way towards females and I am not sure if they pick up on that right off the bat with me but I have been really good friends with females and this was well before I accepted myself with being transgender. I have bonded with men but not as well and as close as I have with other girls and I just feel like woman have a better connection than most guys, I mean they can comment on how they good they look, how a dress or something looks good on them and all that and just be themselves. You comment on another guys clothing and you are called gay or strange or a freak, its so weird how that seems to be that way.