i've been lying most of my life, lying to myself before i knew what it was, and lying to the rest of the world currently, to explain and cover up for my weirdnesses caused by being trans. i'm tired sick of it. the worst thing is, i'm a terrible liar! anybody can say i'm lying before i even open my mouth. but then again since there's no other explanation they have to pretend to believe what i say.
let's put aside lying to myself for a bit- that was mainly out of confusion. but i've been lying day and night trying to reason out to people why i keep my hair short, why i don't wear skirts anymore, why i hate being joked on about guys, why i gave up wearing earrings, why i like movies, books, sports and stuff that stereotypically guys like, and all that.
i'm tired sick of pretending to be a girl. it's so exhausting! it requires constant vigilance, so that i don't give away that i'm actually a guy and confuse the subject facing me with the female body. it's even more depressing and energy consuming to hide the thrill when i get accidentally taken for a guy in front of people who know me and to pretend i didn't like it (actually it got so hard recently that i've stopped trying to pretend i didn't like it) and even when among complete strangers, to behave in a way that'd tip them that i'm female afterall, so that they don't get confused when they actually see my body. most depressing task of all is pretending i'm not attracted to girls! and probably i'm not doing a very good job at it.
i just hate it!! i just hate the fact that i have to live a life of lies. it gets so awkward when i can't make up a lie quick enough, and when i have to make new lies to explain the same thing because i couldn't remember the explanation i had used before. this just sucks. i can't lie! i'm a terrible liar, mostly because i value the truth and honesty so much in a person. i can't stand me breaking my own standards of a noble person.
well, why i am making a sudden rant like this goes back to a few incidents of the past week. one, I've applied for the drivers license and had the written test about road rules last week. we were asked to come in professional white tops. gladly i had a shirt, and i wore a black slack with it, but didn't expect in the least to pass in it, they were old clothes and pretty tight. but the second i stepped out of the house i was passing everywhere, though only from behind (and sides when they couldn't glimpse my chest) it was so depressing that i couldn't enjoy it, cos every moment i was fearing they might notice what i am and it would turn out to be a very embarrassing situation. once all of us who had come to the exam were standing together while some official called out our exam numbers to line us up, and i was totally surrounded by guys. the crowd was pushing, nudging, poking and all at me like i was any other guy, it was cool but still i was half petrified. then the official told that all the guys had to tuck their shirts in the trousers, and i just stood there feeling... what? i could bury myself on the spot. i know it doesn't sound like much of a thing but it got to me. you might say i should've tucked in mine too but what if someone noticed what i am?
and the other case is that our school's social (which you might call prom, homecoming or whatever. it's a get together party for the school leaving batch) was held few days back. it was compulsory to wear a saree and i couldn't possibly dress there as a guy as it's an all girls' school. so i firmly decided i wouldn't go. and then the whole world started asking, and still are asking why i skipped the event (basically because i'm known as quite a party lover and party leader to them, and they didn't guess in the least that i wouldn't turn up) and i've been making up all kinds of excuses. none had the effect required. i've worn a saree before, though with much regret but that was when i was in denial about my weirdness. now it's different. i can't even think of stepping inside female clothes. and i had to miss all that fun and possibly he last chance to meet my school friends all because of a cursed saree! and i'm keeping on lying. good thing i at least came out to one friend so i have to lie to one person less. and i have someone who understands. but this is just terrible. they've posted photos from the social all over fb and i can't stand it.
I'm so sorry man. That blows.
I take it you're not in any position to come out, at this point. Do you do any online role playing? Games, chat, whatever? Or you could start a blog on wordpress or tumblr or something. Might be worth it so you can at least know you're not having to hide it from some people. It's not like real life, but it's better than nothing.
Quote from: devention on October 23, 2014, 08:10:37 PM
I'm so sorry man. That blows.
I take it you're not in any position to come out, at this point. Do you do any online role playing? Games, chat, whatever? Or you could start a blog on wordpress or tumblr or something. Might be worth it so you can at least know you're not having to hide it from some people. It's not like real life, but it's better than nothing.
yeah you got it right. i can't come out to anyone else right now. and this is the only place i present as myself. a blog? i don't know. i'm not so good at maintaining such stuff, journals blogs and all. i just want everybody else to understand automatically, and complete my transition before i go any further in life. know what, maybe because of this issue, i'm extra honest and truthful in other situations- which even hurt people's feelings and i put myself in troubles and losses.