I normally only write non-fiction for the purpose of school, but I tried something different with this. It is still non-fiction and essentially a journal entry, but I tried writing it in the form of a short story. Feedback is welcome.
I walk into a conversation among coworkers: "You hear about that guy model in Europe trying to be a girl?"
My face burns red as if they are talking about me. If I walk away awkwardly now will I have just outed myself? Shouldn't I be out at work by now anyway? Should I jump into this conversation as a chance to drop a hint?
The internal debate ends with the words, "It's enough to make me want to puke." I am frozen. Did she really say that? What is she going to say when she finds out about me? I need to get out of here before she sees my scarlet face and pounces.
As soon as I escape the room I am overcome with regret. I wouldn't have needed to out myself in order to challenge her thinking. If Mark cannot stand up for Sarah at no risk, how can I expect Sarah to be ready to defend herself when cornered? Does this mean Sarah is not ready for the public eye?
It is not just my future state that I sold out, but I sold out all of my peers as well. Peers with far more courage than I have. Peers who have welcomed and guided me to a community I just failed to stand up for. Peers who would have defended me without hesitation.
Never again. This is the last time I let them down. This is the last time I sit idle while my identity is challenged. This is the last time I sell out.
This and other things I write are on my personal blog (http://sarahdegeorge.wordpress.com/).
Even if this is fiction these things have happened to all of us girl. You would have nothing to be ashamed about at all. It is the survival instinct kicking in and nothing else. We would still love you girl so rest easy! This scenario plays out everyday all over the planet. :)