So how do I do this.
I am actually a lector in my church (Roman Catholic). I read the scriptures at mass.
Obviously since I am visible, I might have to step down, and give it up. It breaks my heart but I don't mind if it will help things be comfortable.
Which other ways do you transition in church? My wife is saying we should just stop going altogether. I don't want to do that. BUt then again, everyone knows us... I don't think we have a LGBT ministry or anything and where I live is a pretty conservative community, even though it is NJ.
Anyone did something similar?
Transitioning in church is a touchy topic. There have been threads here about the policies of the Roman Catholic Church in regard to trans* and they do not seem as harsh as some protestant denominations. However, I am sure you are right that they will no longer let you be a public face of the church as a lector. This is a matter to dicuss with your particular Priest - based on other threads you should still be able to be a member in good standing after transition and still take communion. So, there would be no need to leave if you want to stay. This is based on my LIMITED knowledge from reading on this site. My direct experience with the RC church is from dealing with my late wife who left before Vatican II, and her spin on things, and that indicated virtually no tolerance. So, YMMV...
That said, the rub may come in with the other members. I have spoken with the Pastor in my conservative protestant church and am assured that the leadership would accept me if I were to come out openly and would even let me continue serving in the hospitality ministry. However, he hopes I don't because dealing with a lot of the members would be a real rocks and shoals affair - or in his words really, REALLY, hard.
I attended a trans* conferance last year and attended a workshop on transitioning in place. The presenter was a sunday school teacher in a rather liberal protestant church. For transitioning in church she actually hired a consulatant to come up with a procedure and help follow through dealing with all the wrinkles that came up. It was a MAJOR effort, and fully worth it to her. So, it can be done; but the first step is a non-confrontational meeting with a representative of the church leadership to verify if it can be done in your particular church.
HTH
Erin
It will depend on your rector and possibly your diocese as to whether they will let you continue to serve as a lector. It will be less an issue with your fellow parishioners than it will be with the clergy. You may get to read at services where the bishop is far away on the other side of the diocese, and not where he is likely to get too much news. It will be different in each diocese though. Check with Dignity, which is a GLBT organization in the Roman Catholic Church. Another site is this one http://www.believeoutloud.com/ (http://www.believeoutloud.com/)
I hold the position of Lector / Intercessor in my Episcopal Church where our Canon Law says that gender variant people are to be included at all levels of the Church both lay and clergy. This was enacted by the U.S. Episcopal Church in July 2012. I have been out and accepted for over three years now, and my parish knows about me, since I was a member for 20 years before I came out.
I have no doubt that I have to give it up (being a lector). Not for nothing my church is full of the older generation due to the demographics of the area (rural area, so lots of retirees). It's also 70% conservative Republican in my area... however apart from the politics, it's not like typical NJ.
But I'd be happy to just go back into the pews as a normal parishoner.
What makes me hopeful is that Pope Francis has been preaching a message of inclusiveness in the church, and not one of hell fire and brimstone and rigid rules like Pope Benedict XVI.
The diocese is the diocese of paterson NJ. I have spoken to the Bishop only once. My priest and I are on good terms though. One day soon I will confess this to him and ask for guidance. To be honest it scares me to no end. The church has been a MAJOR source of healing in my life. I believe it is the Holy Spirit that has blessed us with beautiful children and so many other good things. God has also steered me in the path of seeking treatment for my eternal conflict between my brain and my body, and as such I'm now in the process of transitioning.
But I know that humans aren't perfect. I am not, they are not. But the church and the Pope are infallible.
I am so conflicted...
One other option is to simply start going to the parish where my kids have school. By being a parishoner there I also save on tuition for them. It really sucks that I would abandon my current parish but I feel it's best if I don't rock the boat. :(
The Church i started in just came to ignore me although id gone for a decade. I now go to another who know me as me and not old me. Im loved and part of a Church family again. Its Baptist fwiw.
No im not passable up close so they know my birth gender. 0
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 30, 2014, 03:03:21 PM
..... My priest and I are on good terms though. One day soon I will confess this to him and ask for guidance. To be honest it scares me to no end. The church has been a MAJOR source of healing in my life. I believe it is the Holy Spirit that has blessed us with beautiful children and so many other good things. God has also steered me in the path of seeking treatment for my eternal conflict between my brain and my body, and as such I'm now in the process of transitioning.
........................................
One other option is to simply start going to the parish where my kids have school. By being a parishoner there I also save on tuition for them. It really sucks that I would abandon my current parish but I feel it's best if I don't rock the boat. :(
I fully agree in the idea that God has been and will continue to be our Shepherd on this journey, but maybe the journey is just beginning for you, and it will not be "abandonment" of your current parish family, but rather another step in your God guided spiritual life. We too may be "Called Up To Jerusalem" and it is God's call for a purpose in our lives. If you must go from your current parish, "Go in Peace to love and serve your LORD!"
To start, I completely recognize myself in what you say about the Church having been a major healing power in your life; I would not have been alive today if it was not for Her. She literally saved me; when I converted, I had major self-destructive tendencies, which would have killed me if not for the Church. I managed to go back to college and complete my first (but useless, so I've now started over with something less lofty) degree because of Her. That said, my problems were ultimately from being trans, but entering the Church kept me alive for long enough to come to that realization and stop repressing myself.
Realistically, you will have to give up being a lector - there is no discipline to bar trans people from functioning as one, but since it might create controversy, I think most priests would tell you to step down. And that is their right; a priest cannot be forced to accept any person as lector or altar server, even by a bishop. A priest also has the right to refuse having lay lectors at all - it is a possibility, not a requirement. Personally, I stepped down from being an altar server, which I truly loved, especially in the Extraordinary Form (I simply love smashing stereotypes by being a transgender liturgical traditionalist, by the way :D ). I miss it, but I do not miss pretending to be a man, so the choice is simple.
Additionally, it is a fact that the Church generally reacts negatively to pressure, and the biggest changes tend to happen when there is little pressure. For this reason, I'm against activism directed at the Church - it is generally counterproductive, and I am a pragmatist. The fact that you are okay with stepping down and simply being in the pews, will make things a lot easier for you, whether it is right or not.
This said, you have every right to go to Mass, to receive Holy Communion, and to go to Confession. Transitioning does not in any way bar you from these sacraments. I've written a more comprehensive summary of Catholic discipline and teaching related to trans people here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,171318.msg1497122.html#msg1497122
Personally, I have however ended up mostly not going to Mass until I can blend in again - at the time, I present obviously trans, and I can't bring myself to go in guy mode anymore. I also don't want the attention I know I'd get from some individuals if I went in my current state. I miss going, and I don't like not fulfilling my Mass obligation, but I also have to acknowledge that at this time, my absence is health related, which does reduce or remove culpability related to missing the obligation. I do however look forward to being able to go again, without attracting attention. At the same time, I suspect people wouldn't react as negatively as I fear if I went now, but at this time, such anxiety doesn't do me any good, rooted in reality or not.
However, that is my personal choice, and not one that I would even recommend. As long as you don't dress provocatively, people have no right to complain. I would even say it would be un-Catholic of them to do so. You have every right to receive Communion and go to Confession. Your treatment is a medical necessity, and hence not sinful. Those who might disagree (including priests and even bishops) simply don't understand the nature of being transgender, and the nature of the treatment. Many also don't understand Catholic teaching about gender and medical treatment.
To conclude, don't stop going altogether. You have a place in the Church. We all have. If it gets tough, speak with your priest. As a last resort, switching parishes might make things easier; I consider starting to go to a Dominican church (not a parish, but they function as one socially) in my city, where I might be less visible. I know several of the priests there, but few others. At my current parish, i stand out simply by not being an immigrant, and my current presentation would make me stand out even more. The immigrants are also considerably more conservative. At the same time, ethnic diversity is what I love about my parish and why I chose it in the first place, so it is a difficult choice!
Lastly, you should know that those of my Catholic friends I have come out to this far (and I would describe them all as orthodox), have all been overwhelmingly supportive. They fully realize that I'm doing this for good reasons, and many of them had already figured out that I was different in some way. I know some of my more remote acquaintances might react differently, but at least this shows that many (I'd say most) real-life Catholics are sensible people who are fully aware that life doesn't always fit in neat categories. The real Church is so different from the "online Church" - it saddens me that most non-Catholics are primarily exposed to the latter.
Edit: I should also mention that while yes, the teaching authority of the Church, expressed through a Council or the Pope on his own under very specific circumstances, are seen as infallible, but only when they solemnly proclaim a dogma in the domain of faith and morals. This happens extremely rarely. There is certainly no infallible teaching about the determination of gender, and there can't be, since it is a matter of science. Gender is determined by doctors, not theologians. There is neither any infallible doctrine on the morality of transgender medical treatment. The post I linked has more details about this.
I can't even begin to say how much it means to me to know there are other Catholics here! I wasn't expecting anybody to be so... I don't know... GLOWINGLY at rights with Rome!
I won't repeat what's been said, but for one thing:
The Pope and the Teaching Authority of the Church are seen to be in fallible, but only when they solemnly proclaim a dogma in the domain of faith and morals. (thanks Rina)
Since there has been NO solemn proclamations since those referring to the Viginity of Mary, there is NO one who has a right to say trans are morally wrong or an abomination.
"For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it." (Mt. 19:12)
God made us as we are in our soul, genetics screwed us in how we present. :angel:
I remain stealth. Not sure what I will say when they spot my nails or boobs. But present stealth male, for the sake of peace. One I don't like having to remain silent on, but its easier on my family to go stealth around certain circumstances.
right now I am max GQ at home, relaxing in lingerie and a robe, tomorrow morning I will be as my avatar is.
But in the church, how you all have the courage to be out there is amazing to me. Highest respect.
I don't want to run away from my church. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I just do on line church. But I need to worship with the family.
So I go stealth, back to birth gender, and deal with the dysphoric whiplash and resentments. Until I get home.
Ok let me clear a few things up.
Yes I don't mind stepping down as a lector. Even if they were OK with it, I don't want that kind of attention. So I guess that is settled. I'll be sad but it will be for the best.
The main problem probably won't be that I'm trans. It will be that I'm in a same sex marriage with kids. And it wouldn't have been a problem had I just sat in the pews. However I'm a very prominent member of the church. Being a lector is a big part of it, but everyone notices us because of the kids... And I've been called to lead programs for kids and parents, as a parent myself. And if I show up as a woman it will result in negative attention. So I don't think simply going back to the pews will work either. So I think I really have no choice but to go to a church in a different parish. It may be fine to stay but we would get looks and comments and it won't be comfortable. So going somewhere else where we can just blend in and keep quiet may be the best.
It really sucks because I love this church with all my heart and I really do feel the presence of God and the body and blood of Christ at mass. But that said I have gone to other churches out of town when traveling and I've felt the same thing.
So I think we will be fine.
Believe me, as someone who used to be Master of Ceremonies in both forms of Mass, I do understand. It is thankfully a while ago, making parishioners less likely to care, but still more than half the priests and the bishop in my diocese know me by my (birth) first name. The rest probably know me by sight, but wouldn't recognize me now. I have served at the altar in countless Pontifical Masses, even with a Cardinal present once. Those are treasured memories, though also difficult, since part of it was me trying to combat dysphoria by seeking male-dominated communities - to the extent of even applying for acceptance to Seminary, which thankfully didn't happen. But treasured or not, it makes the "priest" part of coming out even more difficult.
I think you're thinking correctly - going to a different parish might be the best option. I understand being closely knit to a specific parish, as I myself have been. But it's a lot better to go to a different parish than to stop going entirely, and there are many reasons why one chooses to switch parishes; liturgical preference, social reasons, practical reasons and so on.
So yes, I think you'll be fine too :)
Part of the problem is that we're a small-ish church, and a country church... everyone more or less knows everyone.
That said before I leave I am going to tell my pastor and explain my reasons. It is just the right thing to do. And I'm going to ask for absolution from any sins that I may have committed.
LoriLorenz - I am a fairly recent convert to Catholicism but I have been a Christian (Presbyterian) all my life.
I agree with you that the church really has no position on transgender people but my concern is mainly the social aspect - people are going to ask questions. I'd rather avoid it.
And either we stay in a same sex marriage or get divorced. Which is a bigger sin, I wonder ???
That said I have had a long relationship with the church. Some of it conflicts with my gender identity as I went to all boys Catholic schools. I actually enjoyed my time in those schools quite a lot. However I always imagined myself being a girl going to those schools, and in my secondary school we actually had a few girls going there. But the richness of a Catholic life and education has stayed with me all these years, so much so that when my favorite teacher and the former principal passed away in succession, I felt a deep sadness fall over me. It was always a second family to me. Now that I am in full communion with the Church, I wonder why I waited so long. Partaking in the body and blood of Christ through the Holy Eucharist is the highlight of my Sunday.
Update: I am going to have to tell my pastor sooner rather than later. My wife wants us to go see him because of our relationship issues (which are based on my trans issues). So the cat will be out of the bag so to speak. I'm really really nervous but at the same time I think I may just get over with it and see what they say.
Pray for me?
Good luck and will do!
Hi Kate I'm also Roman Catholic. At this point I'm getting ready to begin HRT within the next 3 months. I have been working on hair removal since April and growing out my hair (which is now past my ears)
My wife and I are still working through where my transition will go. I'm doing my best to work with her so I don't throw away 20 years of marriage. This is very tough since my GID has become almost unbearable...
Anyway, my wife and I are good Catholics have followed NFP and have 6 children (all planned) 2 girls and 4 boys, none of them know that I'm transgendered or that I'm in the process of transitioning.
One worry about my transition (and there are many) is still attending church within our parish. My wife came to therapy with me and my therapist suggested that we talk to our priest.
I'm very scared about this because my wife and children are very active in the parish. My wife teaches CCD, 2 of our children are alter servers and 3 are in the children's choir. With 6 children and my family's public involvement we are definitely not stealthy by any means. And given my transition (albeit slow at the moment) to female and into a seemingly lesbian marriage...
We could switch churches but the next closest parish is my parent's parish where I grew up and to make it worse my father is the church organist, unfortunately my family is also very well known there as well.
So this is becoming one of the first changes that will be a major negative impact for the kids if we have to leave or switch parishes.
I did find a Roman Catholic LGBT organization on the web. Although I have yet to contact my local chapter I do know that do celebrate mass weekly at a near by Catholic church. Here is a link to find a local chapter for more information:
https://www.dignityusa.org/chapters (https://www.dignityusa.org/chapters)
Have you spoken to your priest yet? How did it go?
Omggg lol Girl, good LUCK. I have a certain hatred for religion. Specifically judgmental ones like catholicism, christianity, mormonism, etc.
The reason being is I was born into a church that taught me that being gay was a sin , "hate people for this", "everyone except us is going to hell", blahblahblah, bull->-bleeped-<-, bull->-bleeped-<-, bull->-bleeped-<-. I've never been a very stupid person so I knew from the get go that most of the stuff they taught was BS. When I reached puberty at 12 I immediately knew I liked boys & came out as gay & stopped going to church since they were basically telling me it's a choice & that I was going to hell. I went back once more at 14 as a girl & they told me I could never come back. The whole reason I wasn't able to start hormones at 14 & had to deal with 2 years of torture & sadness was because my mom can never support my transition or aid me in it in any way otherwise she thinks she's going to hell. Getting her to sign the papers to allow me to go to the hospital I do for my hormones was hell & the whole process was terrible. So much tears & yelling & hate. All because of one, stupid, crazy, cult of a church. I hate that church with all my heart & almost everyone in it. I would burn it down if possible, honestly. I would even love to watch the roof sink in on quite a few of its members. I'm sure words gotten around that I'm on hormones & live as a girl & blahblahblah but I could honestly care less. They're all crazy & it shows because nearly none of the other kids who've grown up in that church ever stay. They're literally all crazy & they've brainwashed my idiotic mother. I hate that she'll never be able to see me as her daughter no matter how female I look or happy I am. I know she does see me as her daughter, even though she won't admit it. I just hate that she won't be able to ever accept me or love me completely because of that stupid church...
Ugh, anyways. Rant over... I'm sorry I wen't on about that. I guess church & religion are just triggers for some of the trauma I've dealt with from being who I am. Good luck to you in talking to a pastor about problems that they don't need to know about in the first place. I hope your church is a bit more open minded than my moms or you'll be kicked out the second you mention it.
P.S. Religion can suck my dick
Quote from: ImagineKate on October 30, 2014, 03:03:21 PM
.........
The diocese is the diocese of paterson NJ. I have spoken to the Bishop only once. My priest and I are on good terms though. One day soon I will confess this to him and ask for guidance. To be honest it scares me to no end. The church has been a MAJOR source of healing in my life. I believe it is the Holy Spirit that has blessed us with beautiful children and so many other good things. God has also steered me in the path of seeking treatment for my eternal conflict between my brain and my body, and as such I'm now in the process of transitioning.
But I know that humans aren't perfect. I am not, they are not. But the church and the Pope are infallible.
I am so conflicted...
......... :(
Do you really believe that? I have been involved in my church as a lay leader for years
and definately don't believe that.
That is not the accepted theology of most demonations.
Quote from: mac1 on December 03, 2014, 07:13:29 AM
Do you really believe that? I have been involved in my church as a lay leader for years and definately don't believe that. That is not the accepted theology of most demonations.
The Catholic Church teaches that under very specific circumstances, the bishops in a council, or the Pope alone, can pronounce infallibly on matters of faith and morality. However, such declarations cannot be made out of the blue; they must reflect the perennial teaching of the Church, and hence also reflect common (not necessarily popular) opinion among priests and laity, the bishops must have been consulted (in the case of the Pope pronouncing "on his own"), and the declaration must be done solemnly without any ambiguity as to the intent to make such a declaration. The latter has some exceptions, but they're rare. Lastly, the statement
has to be within the domain of faith and morals; the Pope
cannot pronounce this way on scientific theories, politics (unless they're a matter of morality) and so on.
Such declarations have rarely happened, and mainly in the context of a council - a Pope has only made such declarations on his own twice (probably thrice). That's in the entire history of the Church. So in common language, it is incorrect to say that "the Pope is infallible" - he certainly is not, most of the time. Christmas speeches, press statements, even encyclicals, may contain errors. Catholics are encouraged to listen to and consider what the Pope has to say, but generally, what he says is not infallible. The Church guides less than she commands - on most matters, Catholics are free to form their own opinion, while still encouraged to "think with the Church".
But still, it
is accepted theology in the Catholic Church that the Pope and/or the entire teaching authority represented by all bishops in a council is indeed infallible under those very specific, very rare circumstances. Obviously, Protestant denominations wouldn't agree, but that's a different debate better suited for another forum :)
Quote from: mac1 on December 03, 2014, 07:13:29 AM
Do you really believe that? I have been involved in my church as a lay leader for years and definately don't believe that. That is not the accepted theology of most demonations.
More or less yes. However, as Rina said, it's under specific circumstances. But it's not like I can go against the Pope or even my pastor and win... but as I've said, I'm not exactly a saint. I am a divorcee (2nd marriage) and my kids were conceived with assisted reproduction (IVF) which I have been told is a sin. But our parish priest knows, we are accepted anyway, we receive communion every Sunday and I am a lay minister (Lector) in the church. It does help that we faithfully attend mass and bring the kids up in the faith.
I do believe that me being trans isn't going to be a sin, however people are going to ask questions and I would rather avoid it.
An update: my wife had a talk with our priest tonight. I was actually quite pleasantly surprised. However I won't go into details other than we are in good hands here and it's a lot better than I anticipated.
Praise the Lord. I'm thankful for his mercy and grace.
That's wonderful news! And not least encouraging, given my own not distant having to come out publicly. I'm starting to be really annoyed by having a male name (yesterday was especially bad due to some incidents), and once I change it I can't keep secrets anymore. My fears about the reaction from priests is among the few things keeping me back.
Bad news is I still have to step down from the lector position to preserve the sanctity of the mass and prevent distraction. Good news is that the church is there to help us. And by help us it doesn't mean try to "cure" me. I'm cool with that. I love my church and community.
Quote from: Rina on December 05, 2014, 01:36:44 AM
My fears about the reaction from priests is among the few things keeping me back.
It is for me but I have found that the Church is actually very compassionate. I believe also that Pope Francis wants more "open arms" and less "rigid rules" in the church. He was very sympathetic though but from all of this I am really feeling I will stay with this parish. I will take more of a back seat but I will stay. My kids and wife maybe will do other ministries. We really do need the help as not many are volunteering.
A bit of an update.
Lector stuff is basically done, but there is a story here. I signed up to do Christmas Eve mass, but arrived late and someone else took it. Getting the kids and everyone ready is always a production and it takes a lot of time. The priest yelled at me though. Well so much for that, I don't think I want to even show up in that church anymore. Maybe that was the intention. He knows about my situation and they see me physically changing (it's hard to hide). I really don't want to judge him though, but I think I better just not go anymore.
And this is depressing. I really enjoyed going.
But I think that next time I go, I will dress up en femme, maybe even go in a nice dress. Probably won't be for a few months though. Or maybe I'll go ahead and go to another parish in stealth.
I need to talk to my therapist about this. Sigh.
That's sad that you don't want to go anymore. Are you sure he wasn't upset that he had to look for someone else?
You said getting everyone ready is a big production. You have get your kids and someone else ready for church besides yourself? Or are you generalizing? Is that even a word? Lol
Having been in the sacristy in different parishes before Christmas and Paschal Triduum Masses and liturgies, it wouldn't surprise me if having to look for another lector was the real and only reason for his anger. Those days are really stressful, and anything not going as planned can be a huge source of frustration. That said, he shouldn't have yelled like that, especially knowing about your situation. I can attest that transition is a lot more stressful than even the Easter Vigil...
I can understand how you feel, though - I'm not going to Mass often myself, due to fear of reactions, be it disapproving looks from random parishioners, or reactions from people I know or priests. Still, I intellectually think it shouldn't stop me. I'd tell myself to go nevertheless. I just wish I could take my own advice.
Quote from: Broken-hearted on December 29, 2014, 11:33:53 AM
That's sad that you don't want to go anymore. Are you sure he wasn't upset that he had to look for someone else?
I'm pretty sure that was it, but he made a comment about me leaving my wife hanging, and I better not leave him hanging.
QuoteYou said getting everyone ready is a big production. You have get your kids and someone else ready for church besides yourself? Or are you generalizing? Is that even a word? Lol
3 kids, 4 years old. 2 girls 1 boy. Triplets. My wife and I. It's a production.
Quote from: Rina on December 29, 2014, 07:26:20 PM
Having been in the sacristy in different parishes before Christmas and Paschal Triduum Masses and liturgies, it wouldn't surprise me if having to look for another lector was the real and only reason for his anger. Those days are really stressful, and anything not going as planned can be a huge source of frustration. That said, he shouldn't have yelled like that, especially knowing about your situation. I can attest that transition is a lot more stressful than even the Easter Vigil...
I can understand how you feel, though - I'm not going to Mass often myself, due to fear of reactions, be it disapproving looks from random parishioners, or reactions from people I know or priests. Still, I intellectually think it shouldn't stop me. I'd tell myself to go nevertheless. I just wish I could take my own advice.
My wife still wants to go, but I dunno. I might want to go to another parish. I know way too many people in my church.
Hey Kate, there is no need to leave your Church. My priests (very conservative) say that as long as I'm not having sex, I can be an active parishioner. I'm guessing you will remain in your marriage which means that you won't be intimate outside of marriage. The Church has no official position on this issue. However, there is a national LGBT Catholic support group which includes weekly Mass, with a Roman Catholic priest, and twice a year confessions, unless you schedule it with him, they offer all the other sacraments. The group's name is Dignity USA. I also recommend that you go on New Ways Ministry which has a list of gay friendly Roman Catholic Churches through out the US, I'm sure in New Jersey too. PM if you like, and thank you about my fiance! God bless you! Jazz
Hey Jazz, I missed this.
Thanks I'll look into it.
Haven't been there since Christmas. I miss it.
I transitioned at my church - Presbyterian - and the experience and welcoming has been amazing.
Yeah, funny you mention that, I am an ex Presbyterian. It just wasn't for me plus I married a catholic. They are pretty accepting though and the one up by me is lively and open.
So I went back tonight. Largely uneventful. My priest didn't really say anything. I was presenting male though but you could tell I was different.
I've just been reading through this thread. I'm not a Catholic but I am a committed Christian.
Questions about sin:
Jesus said that divorcing *and remarrying* is a sin because it counts as adultery. Divorcing and remaining single is described as "Allowed because of your hardness of heart", but not according to God's will.
Jesus never once criticised people in same sex relationships. It just doesn't seem to have been on His agenda.
One thing that Jesus did get quite annoyed about was hypocrisy. My personal testimony is that I lost my relationship with God when I was living as a man but knew that wasn't what I really was. Once I was openly honest about myself I regained that relationship.
The church of which I was a member for about 30 years had already cast me out on the more minor matter of suspected cross dressing before I made the decision to transition. I joined a church which is much more welcoming and makes a point of welcoming people of all racial groups, sexualities and genders. I attended for about five months as a man and just took part with the rest of the congregation. When I transitioned the sort of reactions I got were "Do you do flowers?" and "Can I put you on the rota to make coffee?" Men make the coffee as well as women but they hadn't asked me before. Now I'm one of the Readers and on the list of Stewards. I'm also in the choir - on the rare occasions we have one. Nobody seems to have any problem with one of the Basses being a woman. This sort of church does exist but it can be difficult to find one.
Funny you mention about on the rotation to do coffee/hospitality following service.
I seem to have become the go to person when no one wants to do it or someone calls in sick.
I do the work of three lol....but I love the "thank you's"
I think a lot of the way we are received is down to our attitude. I said I didn't do flowers or bake cakes but I was happy to make coffee, read the Bible, hand out hymnbooks, and various other jobs. We have a Taizé evening service once a month and last month the woman who organises it asked me to cantor a couple of the chants because the first and second choice people weren't going to be there. I said I'm not really a soloist but I was happy to have a go. Isn't this the way it should be? I'm just one of the women who can be called in to help with all sorts of things, and that's the way they treat me.
So we went back today - Palm Sunday. I feel bad because I feel like a holiday Catholic now plus the priest was really sad and spoke before the mass about people not attending mass and made a plea for people to at least attend the holy week masses and try to reincorporate the church into their lives. So I think I'll do that. I go to confession on Monday. I am not confessing being transgender because what I am doing is not a sin. I have other things to confess besides.
I didn't present fully female, just more androgynous. But I have the female shape, including breasts butt and hips. You could tell. My hair was longer and face is different.
People didn't ask me anything. Instead they asked my wife, not about gender but commented I looked different and had to do a double take because they didn't realize it was me. She didn't out me or anything (but I told her I don't have a problem with it, it's just that she does).
And I officially resigned as lector last week... they were sad to see me go. I wasn't specific in the reason but the ministry leader probably knew why, I presumed because the priest told her.
I'll still go to this church but I will ease into girl mode here...
Blessings and all good Kate. You are a child of God and woman of faith so rest and trust in Him whenever you have doubts and don't know what to do. Mark 4:35-40 is something I like to keep in mind when things seem to be going badly.
As to clothing androgyny can be good. For a long while after I started living as myself I wore jeans and a tee shirt with a beret, denim jacket, fingerless leather gloves and boots in a sort of Biker girl/Dieselpunk kind of way with silver jewellry and feather and bead earrings. For my first year or two I wore a skirt like it was a religion (please excuse the reference) and had a rough time of it. As 'Dieselpunk girl' I didn't catch any crap at all, - though in truth she was a bit of an angry wee thing. Not one item of clothing I wore back then came from the male side of the clothing stores, it was all women's gear so I was happy with my new look.
I'm not advising you to scare your family and the neighbours by dressing as I did back then Kate. What I'm saying is there are a lot of women's clothing styles that run a nice line between the sexes and won't alarm anybody too much. True enough it might leave them guessing and scratching their heads, but at least you can get on with life.
I'm a convert too and I would accompany my elderly Mum to the Anglican church in the parish I grew up in back when I started to become more and more her caregiver. Mum's friends would say to her, 'I don't remember you having two daughters,' ( I have a sister) but Mum was a real brick and never said a word about the transition I'd made. Needless to say Dieselpunk girl toned herself down a lot when she went to church.
I was studying to be a social worker at the time so I would go to Mass during the week at a time that fitted nicely between my classes.
Later on when I became a third order Sister I would still take Mum to church even though it was plain to all that I was from the other church down the road. I agree though that it's important to not be a distraction to the Mass and having taken the lector's role sometimes I can well understand why it was so important to you.
Entering into Holy Week it's a good time to be examining one's faith and path in life, so keep praying Kate and I'll pray for you too.
Because I regained my faith after transition I have decided to renew my baptismal vows. Most of my present church know my history, there may be some recent new members who don't, and there are a few with Alzheimer's who won't remember. Our minister says she wants to personalise the liturgy - I'm not sure what she intends, but if she suggests something like "Mary formerly known as John" I won't object. I've just written invitation cards to my children, unfortunately the only one who is really supportive is 360 miles away. I intend to use this as a testimony to all who will hear and I'm inviting friends from the LGBT support groups and other groups I belong to. Many of them don't ever go to church. One special friend describes himself as a serious CD rather than describing herself as a beginning TG and is pretty obvious to those who can tell. This could be a head-on collision of cultures. Our minister can handle that - I hope everyone else can.