Just got out of the shower, and I felt like putting my thoughts down here. Whenever I take a shower I tend to do a lot of thinking. The running water kind of acts as a white noise to block out the rest of the world, and it's relaxing. Anywho, I'll see if i can remember all of what I wanted to say. This past week has been pretty good for me. I felt like I had the necessary motivation to try and move forward along my journey, hopefully with enough courage to transition. I have had less doubts in accepting this in myself this past week.
However, I still have a long way to go. I have my parents, who I love to bits. However, they're a bit of an obstacle to me. I still live in their house. (and I have no means nor desire at the moment.) They're both fairly conservative christian. I outed myself to my mother one evening, and she was incredibly confused. She expressed not agreeing with the entire concept of having gender dysphoria. I remember her saying, "God doesn't make mistakes. God made us perfect." I never had religion, but I really don't feel that's an accurate portrayal of "perfect." It's wrong for me to want to transition because it ruins God's creation, but it's alright for people to get things like tattoos, piercings, and various cosmetic surgeries? I think, if I believed in their god, I'd assume we were flawed, but perfect. Perfectly human. Perfect by God's standard.
I think I'm going to continue exploring, and introspecting and perhaps sometime after I start classes up again, I can make a decision. One of my own personal struggles is because I'm a skeptic. I feel like I need to transition for me, though another struggle would be wanting to go too fast and getting overwhelmed and the fear of making another mistake. Doing nothing and becoming stagnant is another fear of mine.
Some brighter things though. Being in the closet and living at home has made getting a wardrobe together difficult, but I worked out something with my brother, who's pretty supportive, so I found a nice outfit online that I'm going to get him to order me and have it delivered so I can be a bit stealth about it. I don't know about the rest of you guys and gals, but being able to wear the correct clothing, it really helps a lot. I'm also looking to get a cute wig. I think bangs really flatter my face, but I'm afraid to get my hair cut, would rather not draw attention. I'll keep looking for ways to style what I have too. Also, slowly but surely learning how to use makeup. Feel like I'm making good progress in that department.
Maybe next time this year I'll be out and able to be myself...I saw a really cool cosplay of the character in my avatar that would've made for a killer Halloween costume. I can dream. ;D
Vale
Thank you for sharing. It seemes somewhat common on this form that starting seems to be a big stumbling block. A real good place to start for you would be to see a gender therapist they would help you find your path for your journey. They would also be able to help you with coming out, although very scary. It is a step that needs to be taken. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey, sweetie. Safe travels and maybe Angels be looking over you.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann