The past few weeks I have been grumpy due to stress and anxiety accumulating. My mum has noticed and she thought I was regretting transition but it was really wanting to go off T soon and transitioning angst weighing down on me like how am I going to pay for surgery, etc? My sister saw a picture of me on Instagram with make-up on and a feminine wig, she told my mum about this and it led them both to question "WTF? Am (I) regretting transitioning?"
My mother kept asking me numerous times today why I was grumpy, the constant questioning was stressing me out and I had to tell her otherwise she wouldn't leave me alone.
Long story short, I explained to her what binary is (male & female) and then explained non-binary which falls under the transgender umbrella.
She asked, "So you don't want to be male or female. What are you then? An 'it' person?" I explained there are people who look gender ambiguous, I would like to present the way they do.
She made comments about how the internet is to blame for everything... just like she did when I first came out as transgender when I was eighteen. :-\ It was really disappointing that she feels the need to blame the internet when in actuality, the internet has helped me immensely in figuring out who I am - it was Susan's Place itself that convinced me that suicide was not the answer... it's safe to say the internet saved my life! She didn't need the internet in her adolescence because she knew and already accepted she was female. I feel its incredibly insulting that when she insults the internet, she's insulting the very help and support that saved me from committing suicide or living a life of misery.
She said that she was brought up on believing that there is only male or female. The transgender thing was a huge shock to her, it still is. She thinks I am making things too hard on myself, that I should just stick to being male or female. I wish it was that easy, sometimes I really wish it was that easy. She thinks if I present "in-between" that people will bash me up because they don't know what sex I am. It's funny because she said people would bash me up if they found out I was transgender and that hasn't happened in the seven years I've been presenting as a (openly trans) male.
So in short, I told her that nothing's changed. I still want to be male in the legal sense and have FtM surgeries, that hasn't changed. I just want the freedom to girly it up behind closed-doors... didn't have the heart to admit I wouldn't mind girly it up outside... maybe when both my parents pass away, I will be free to do that. She asked, "Well isn't that called being a crossdresser?" I was like, umm okay, you can call it that haha. She asked if one of my gay friends was a crossdresser because she remembered I mentioned he liked wearing make-up and dressing up in women's clothes on occasion. She asked if he wanted to be female and if he was transitioning to female... I felt bad for laughing. I said, no, Marc is happy being a male, he has no interest in changing into a woman.
It's really sad how much sexuality gets twisted up in transitioning.
She then proceeded to ask me if I have a partner, what sex they are going to be. A man or a woman. I told her I don't know because I'm not interested (I really didn't want to come out as asexual, she'll think that's another thing the internet made up), I want to focus on getting my body right. She said, yeah okay, but after your body is fixed, who are you going to date? I said I don't care. I didn't want to tell her this but I am not interested in relationships, romance or sex in the slightest.
I have a feeling she wants grandchildren. I don't want that expectation expected of me. My sister has a 6 month old son and she seems very happy with him, if she has more children, that's more grandchildren for my mum to fuss over. If she is expecting children from me, it's not happening biologically. Adoption would be the route I would go with but even then, it will be many years away until I am comfortable with the concept, if I ever will become comfortable.
She told me that her father's sister who was 24 and got a hysterectomy because she didn't want kids, this happened in her home town in Chile. She told me I should have researched it more before transitioning... this made me angry.
Because I had done my research! Before I transitioned, I spent many months researching into the procedures I wanted done to my body and went to see my GP. My GP told me that I would not be allowed to have a hysterectomy unless it is for a medical reason, such as cancer. To have a hysterectomy simply because I do not want kids is not a suffice enough reason for doctors to slice you open and remove organs... unless you've had plenty of kids already but that wasn't something I was willing to go through in order to get a hysterectomy. I could have gone private but I did not have private insurance back then.
She said she wants for her children is to be happy. She doesn't think I am happy, she thinks my grumpiness over the past few weeks if because I regret transition. I told her I don't regret transitioning because if I regret transitioning, it means I would rather go back to being female. If I had to go back to being female, I would slash my wrists. I hate that I had to say it in that blunt manner but it didn't seem like it would get through otherwise. I can't believe she doesn't see how much happier I have been over the last four years, my friends have noted how much happier and comfortable I am, even my psychiatrist has noticed...! I think she is in denial and wants to grab whatever hints she can use to distort into a "here's the reasons why I think you regret transitioning." infodump.
She even said that 99.9% of the population believe they are men or women and 99.9% of society will look at me and be like, "What are you?"... WTF? Yeah, I know transgender folks are a minority... thanks, mum.
I basically told her I want to present as a feminine male and she said its a lot to wrap her head around but she'll get there.
Thoughts? Advice...? I thought it went well... but I think it just goes to show how much society has warped my mum's brain into believing a binary system. I get treated like I am crazy
Hi Echelon, oh my, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope your Mom comes around. The way you describe it, to me it does sound though like she is concerned for you and is worried that you took a "wrong turn" by transitioning. So hopefully she'll relax once she sees you become happier in the non-binary role.
I honestly think non-binary identities may be the most puzzling and difficult to understand for cis people (or binary folk for that matter). I mean, most of have been brainwashed into believing we have to be one or the other. [emoji37] So your mom may simply need some time to let this news sink in.
it may not be society's fault at all. people have a freedom to think and do what they personally think is right, and some mothers have gone against society for the sake of their children's happiness. if she doesn't want to believe you, if she doesn't take you for a sentient being with the ability to make your own consclusions and choices, if she thinks your opinion is purely someone else's influence. is she being a good mother in those moments?
i resent my father for giving my opinions less value just because they're not the same as his and some remind him of my mother's thinking (they're divorced). but my opinions reallu are my own, and after telling him that there's no way i can have a proper conversation with him as adults unless he realises my opinions are my own, he has been listening to me more intently. almost as if he's trying to understand where i'm coming from.
my mother is impossible to get through to. she is not able to understand that she is to blame for a whole lot of trauma for me and my siblings. she lives by some great principles, but none hold true for me. it's good that she's honest, but not when she says that she'll never accept one of her own kids being gay or trans. neither when she talks about how much she's against my cousin's daughter's gay marriage. but it get much worse when she treats that girl with a friendliness that she's never shown me when i didn't do or say or bw wjatever ahe wants me to. and right now she has a young student who's come out to her as trans, and guess what she told that young person? that she thinks everybody should get to be just the way that they are. everybody except me and my sibling of course.
i will come out to her when i start medical transition. but not before, it's pointless. she never did much to communicate with me, and no matter how great she seems to other people, she's hell to her own family. i might end up telling her that. or i could beg the lord to forgive her, for she really has no concept at all of what she's actually been doing to her own kids.
i've tried talking to her before, but it didn't work. so in the end i decided to treat her like the child she seema like to me. i do not have a mother, it hurts, makea me sad. but it's a better way to relate to a harsh reality.
Quote from: EchelonHunt on November 01, 2014, 07:10:47 AM
Thoughts? Advice...? I thought it went well... but I think it just goes to show how much society has warped my mum's brain into believing a binary system. I get treated like I am crazy
She sounds like a loving woman who cares about you, but who DESPERATELY needs some education. She needs to know:
* Transgender is real. It isn't a choice, it's a way we are wired, probably from birth.
* It doesn't go away, and someone can't be "talked out of it."
* It is powerful and serious. It can't be ignored and can lead to serious problems for those that try.
* Transgender people aren't crazy. We have a gender identity just like everyone else - it's just that ours doesn't match our birth sex.
* There is huge variety in the way people are transgender.
You know her best, so you would probably be the best person to know how to educate her. Sometimes just repeating these simple sentences can get someone to think about them. Hope this helps.
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 01, 2014, 12:07:13 PM
She sounds like a loving woman who cares about you, but who DESPERATELY needs some education. She needs to know:
* Transgender is real. It isn't a choice, it's a way we are wired, probably from birth.
* It doesn't go away, and someone can't be "talked out of it."
* It is powerful and serious. It can't be ignored and can lead to serious problems for those that try.
* Transgender people aren't crazy. We have a gender identity just like everyone else - it's just that ours doesn't match our birth sex.
* There is huge variety in the way people are transgender.
You know her best, so you would probably be the best person to know how to educate her. Sometimes just repeating these simple sentences can get someone to think about them. Hope this helps.
My thoughts are similar to Suzi's. In terms of advice I took a different approach with my father. First I explained the distress of dysphoria and my lived experience. I said that there were a number of credible explanations for this but that this really didn't matter. The only thing that mattered to me was that there was medication available to address this. That low dose hrt had side effects and I was ok with this. I tried to explain that I am now in a better, safer place. My father, who has severe heart and high cholesterol immediately understood the similarity between his situation and mine i.e. he could take medication and live longer, or he could refuse. When I started talking about why I had, and was still considering changes to my body and presentation, he was less comfortable, so I didn't take this any further. This was about all I could expect and hope for. This may change over time.
It does sound like your situation and your relationship are more complicated. Sometimes you can share too much, parents worry, they feel distress and they would rather live in denial or that you could live with something that they can't possible understand or feel. Life doesn't work like this - you need to find and take the path that works for you. We are all seekers, we are all seeking to live our lives as powerfully and as authentically as possible. Family may, or may not, support you on this journey.
Safe travels
Aisla
When I was reading your moms response to you, I kept thinking of my own mother RIP, who would never have taken it half as well as yours has.
My patents probably wouldn't have even listened to me at all, and put my in a psych. ward to get straghtened out. After I was about 27-30, they were much more accepting of most things about me that seemed different to them..
I guess what I'm trying to say is that as you get older and more and more independent, parents tend to stop wanting you to turn out a certain way or push they're expectations onto you, and will be more unconditional with they're love for you, as long as they know you are happy.
Probably it's very important for you now to make sure your decisions for your own body are sound, then stick with them and tackle mom and other people secondly, not loosing sight of your goal or letting them confuse you..
You mentioned it would be easier when they're gone, my parents are both gone, and that has inherent freedom for you to make your own decisions, but also takes much from you at the same time..
I'm 100% certain that the internet has helped me in ways I never could have dreamed before it, and I never heard of "internet" before I was almost 30 yrs old, it's like night and day to me, in helping me grow and be who I want to be as a person, yet my mother never used it, and never ever had anything good to say about it.?
Hang in there, keep your dreams and goals on top, and let everything else flow below.. Not very poetic, but it sees true..
there are a few persons i'd really like to talk to about me being trans/nb. but they all died before i could talk, one even after i knew for sure who i am. that's not fun.
i will want to let my parents know eventually. i will even want to tell them that i am who i am no matter what they think or mean or how they have interpreted me wrong in the past. i will be sad if my parents are gone before i get there, because i, as the person i really amhave alwayswanted parents who loved me, and not the daughter i never really was.
i wish to see myself reflected in their eyes at least once before we part forever, or at least give them a chance to do it righr. that's alao tye only way i can truly break free from their rule. either they grant me the freedom to be myself (which would be the best result), or i'll have to take it.
The emotional Satinjoy is furious, when Sh'e calms down I will post, maybe tomorrow. Your in my prayers and thoughts jayce. Strong one, you are.
Nails out....
Sorry my dears
Great wisdom, responses and hurt here...I agree with them.
Mothers dreams, wives dreams, fathers visions. It's hard for them too. Same anger denial bargaining acceptance road.
Let it play. And jayce in my spirit I feel your gender is still defining itself, take your time, so that you at core can fully internalize all that you are. It may or may not influence choices for you. In my spirit I sense a healing is needed and in progress deep in your core.
That takes time, and you have a warriors courage to do it.
We are here for you. Nonbinary is hard to grasp, just be, and speak your truth. And I strongly agree with everyone here.
It's hard for parents, dreams are diverted, Love and instincts will prevail, I feel for taka too, another warrior.
Hard stuff. Wish I could control it, but that's the dilemma, isn't it?
Speak your truth. If I may be so bold to say this. Use your head, listen to your gut, turn down the static of others projections that are fear based.
Blessings
Satinjoy
Thank you for the responses everyone.
Today has been wonderful, my mother has noticed my moods have lifted from coming out to her yesterday and I got to relax, returning back to the happy banter I used to do with her. How many weeks have I been depressed...? It feels like so long since I smiled and laughed with another person.
The truth...?
I wish to present as feminine as possible in terms of clothing, hair, voice and underneath the clothes, lies my male body.
There are these characters in anime who are referred to as "traps" (my avatar is a good example), their appearance, voice, mannerisms are all that of a girl, yet taking a peek under their clothes, they are unmistakably male. Hence... being a "trap." The genderfluid presentation of these characters bring joy and happiness to me, they hold the ideal identity and body I wish to hold. It's not a fantasy, I truly want to dress femme and have a male body underneath all the clothes when the tshirt, small-cup bra, skirts, canvas boots, stockings and frilly panties come off at the end of the day.
I desire to be effeminate male in terms of physical body and fem-andro in terms of gender presentation while my core within is agender.
I was miserable before falling asleep last night - I wanted to cry but I could not... I was exhausted to the point I became delirious. I had thoughts of giving up on being non-binary. I thought, I might as well just let my facial hair/body hair grow out and accept I am a male, that a fem-andro male will make my life difficult... even if it makes me most happy within... My exhaustion and delirium made me cave into my mother's words, momentarily believing them and entertaining the possibility of accepting a full beard.
I did not have the capability to cry but I did feel raging dysphoria burn within my body and mind. Overwhelming static of GD.
Family can claim to have their best interests at heart but in regards to my identity as transgender, they could not be further from the truth.
All my heart desires is to express myself in a feminine manner without having my male identity questioned or my entire transition brought under constant scrutiny. It's painful to witness, to be repeatedly told that I must be regretting transition, that I must miss being female. As much as it is painful, I do not believe their words. They aren't inside my head, they haven't experienced life the way I had... If they had, they'd be singing a different tune.
Good news is I will be seeing the therapist who specializes in helping non-binary folks, I am hoping to make an appointment this week. Referral is all ready to go.
Stand your ground dear. You are the mirror image of me in many ways.
Stand firm, pm me if you need me.
Blessings my dear one, the fairy holds steady, fly with me.
You are very special, with complex gender and needs, one of us.
Feel joy, run free, live your truth, be real, be you.
Blessings
Satinjoy