Since coming out to my therapist 2 months ago I've been struggling to keep a lid on my emotions when around my family, to the point my wife was in tears about what was was going on. So we sat down and although I'd written something to read, I couldn't and she had to read it herself. She's had a mixed reaction, sympathy and understanding, but also a huge amount of confusion and anger about my me hiding this part of myself from her.
Life is tough right now, I'm walking on eggshells around her, trying to give her time and space to process her thoughts, while life with our 2 young kids has to carry on.
I'll try to keep this thread updated with what happens. And I'll also post my letter at a later date, in the hope it may be of use to someone else.
Megan.
Hugs Honey. It is a very tough time. Love to all of your family
Dropping the T-Bomb on a spouse is never easy. Even on a spouse who may already know of you being TG as mine was.
So far sounds fairly typical initial reaction for an SO. Feeling lied to, betrayal. Then there is feeling stupid for not seeing "all the signs" and blaming herself some. Finally, no matter what was in that note, or what you may said that night, today, and in the near future, there is the fear of where or how she will fit in, if at all. Having children only complicates things further.
In other words, tons of questions going through her mind. Or, a simple solution called Cut and Run.
What has kept my wife and I together through all this was all the open honest communication between us. Something I had next to no experience in. (Plenty in hiding my feelings) The most difficult part is handling TMI, both giving and receiving. You both are processing plenty of raw emotions and will be for some time to come.
Time will be the ultimate judge. Always try to keep in mind that you likely spent a lifetime just trying to get some sort of a handle on being trans. Your wife has just been dropped into the deep end of the pool w/o any swimming lessons. She will need time to process what this all means.
This last weekend has been tough (was never going to be anything else). We had a long talk last night, she asked and I answered many questions. I'm so glad I've been doing therapy for the last 2 months, so I was at least in a position to do so.
For now we both want to try and keep our marriage together which is great. The next few days/weeks will be challenging, but all things considered, she has been amazing and I'm not sure it could have gone any better.
Megan.
It's no doubt very tough right now Megan, but you done an amazing thing. It's so difficult to open up to ourselves let alone others. Always remember that your wife hasn't had as long as you've had to process this. If your anything like me, I have 36 years, my girlfriend had only weeks.
And it is hard when life must go on around us. But the good thing is your both talking about this, and that's an important step. I've had nothing but acceptance from those I've come out to. However the one person it was just too much for was my girlfriend. Unfortunately she didn't want to talk about things and decided to leave which is ok. But it's good that your wife wants to talk about things.
I hope it all goes well Megan, big hugs from me to both of you.
Bree
I will echo what Joanne said. This has probably been a part of your life for a long time. I know it has been a part of my life since I knew myself. But this is brand new to your wife. She is in shock and likely will be for some time.
Mine initially started with the betrayal accusations and has had a mix of emotions to my coming out. It's like all colors of the rainbow. Right now she's on a roller coaster and I don't know where she will land but I assure her that I love her and I want to make it work. She assures me that she married a man and isn't into women. Well at least she looks at me as one, silver lining I guess.
We have been incredibly close and also miles apart. It depends on the day. Some days we make love like the world is going to end and other days I get the cold shoulder. Like today. She is depressed beyond anything I've seen. But this weekend she couldn't get her eyes hands and everything else off of me.
I think when I start HRT and she sees real physical changes that will be the ultimate test. Right now I'm pretty much a dude in a dress but that sometimes sends her into depression. She tried a therapy session with me but balked at it, saying there's nothing said that she didn't know already (which is untrue because she still thinks gender dysphoria is a choice. It is most certainly not with me.)
Hugs to you and your wife. And if you're religious I will say a prayer for you.
Megan its a very hard thing to come out to an S0. Although times are hard right now it's a very good sign that she wants to work on keeping your marriage together give her time. Like others have said you have known for a while yourself. It took a long to come out for me, it was 50 years and it would be very unrealistic of me to think that somebody can accept it without contemplating the issues. Try to give her to time and space. She needs to come to grips with what you shared. Hang in there, hon, things will get better. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and my angels always look upon you and guide you on your journey.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann
Thanks to all for the words of support.
The last week has been hard. We've both spent a lot of time talking, but my wife is struggling with the fact I can't tell her how far I want to go/explore my gender, because I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I was hoping that I would have longer to figure out some of these things before coming out to my wife, but that wasn't meant to be, so we're both wrestling with what we want right now, and how that might change over time. She has given some clear and quite tight boundaries, which I guess may or may not shift over time, and I think I can live within these for now, but I can't give her any promise that my feelings and need to explore my gender further won't push these boundaries in future.
As promised in my first post on this thread, below is the letter I wrote for my wife. I had the intention of reading it to her, but got so choked up, she had to read it for herself.
{partner's name},
I have and always will love both you and our amazing children with all my heart. But I have always believed that being open and truthful with those we love is crucial for that love to continue, even if that truth may be difficult to hear or understand.
It has taken many difficult days to write these words, because I want to explain in the best way, how I feel. It will raise questions in your mind, and I will be as truthful and honest in answering them as I can be, but there are also many questions for which even I do not yet have answers.
There is a part of me that I have hidden from the world and all those I love for my entire life. The effort and pain from doing this has grown over time and recently became too much to bare, and I realized I had to finally confront and accept who and what I am.
In September I started regular therapy sessions to help me understand my thoughts and feelings, and despite decades of self-denial, I have for the first time finally come to accept that I am transgendered; that my external appearance and behavior does not match with how I feel inside.
During this time I have battled with a desire to protect you from the pain and confusion that this knowledge would cause you, while also knowing that to continue hiding this would damage myself and also eventually our relationship and family.
Right now, I am standing at the start of a long road. I do not know how long it is, where it will take me, or what obstacles lie in my path. I am frightened, but I no longer have a choice not to start the journey.
As my partner in life, I trust and respect your intelligence and thoughtfulness. I understand that learning this about me will be very difficult to accept, and you will have many strong feelings and emotions. I hope you will take time and space to reflect, and I will be here to answer any questions you have. I know how difficult it can be dealing with such complex issues on your own. If you want or need to share and talk through your feelings with someone qualified, I can arrange some counseling sessions for you or us to attend.
I have no hopes or expectations on what the future might hold or look like for us and our family, but whatever your feelings, I will respect them.
Your loving partner,
{cis name}.
I'll plan to post further updates on this thread as the situation develops.
Megan.
Wow. You did it far more gently and eloquently than I did.
I did not write a letter. I told her.
I first tried telling her I might be transgender. She didn't seem to understand. Then I told her that I go to bed every night wishing that I would wake up as a woman, and that I've been secretly dressing up since I was 4, and all of the other gender non conforming stuff I did as a kid, teen and adult. Only then did it truly hit home.
Quote from: meganjames on November 09, 2014, 03:34:36 PM
Thanks to all for the words of support.
The last week has been hard. We've both spent a lot of time talking, but my wife is struggling with the fact I can't tell her how far I want to go/explore my gender, because I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I was hoping that I would have longer to figure out some of these things before coming out to my wife, but that wasn't meant to be, so we're both wrestling with what we want right now, and how that might change over time. She has given some clear and quite tight boundaries, which I guess may or may not shift over time, and I think I can live within these for now, but I can't give her any promise that my feelings and need to explore my gender further won't push these boundaries in future.
My advice on this is not to give her any false hope. False hope would be that you'd be OK with something like low dose and living semi closeted. That said, it is an option to consider and works well for some people. A low dose of E can quiet the dysphoria without rapid feminization. However, the effects will show up eventually and a lot who start low end up with full transition. You can figure this out with the help of a therapist but only you can figure out what you need.
Hugs
Kate