Hi all :)
This will sound a little silly but I'm hoping to get something out of this topic.
As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with GID a couple of years ago, it started to cause family issue and I ended up just stopping all forms of moving ahead because a close family member started to get depressed of my life decisions.
The story is at this stage in my life, I just can't make up my mind weather transition is the right thing for me not. I think about it every day, a couple of times per hour even. But this I also feel the that I could stay male my life and be reasonably happy because I will be able to achieve different things in my life that I would not be able to do if I transitioned. I almost feel as if I have an Alpha Male personality and it clashes with my GID.
I would says I'm happy as it is now, but it is an issue that is on my mind more then 50% of the day.
How did you come to make that final decision and just say yes this is the right thing for me to do.
I'm just really confused, it's a feeling that just never goes away! It scares me to think ill live the rest of my life like this, with 50% of my day wondering what if?
Thanks for anybody thats willing to read this wall of text, that probably makes zero sense. Just my ramblings that I need to get out. :-\
What helped me was going out as a woman as often as I can and in as many settings as I could find. I joined a divorced/separate support group and an all-female feminist reading group both as my part-time female self. I also went out shopping or to eat presenting female. It helped me understand what life would be like were I actually to make the change.
Does this help?
Ever since my kidney function took a huge dip 2 years ago I had been focusing on my health and improving my kidney function. The stress of holding my gender issues back was starting to interfere with that and I had to make a choice. A couple of close friends had been edging me to see a therapist for months, but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself tell I realize that my being transgendered was holding me back the longer I didn't deal with it. It was just something I just knew and at that point I actively chose to stop living the lie my life had been up to that point. It felt right to.
Mariah
In my case, I had many issues interacting with people, specially guys... I just felt awkward, and when I found out I was trans, I started to pay closer attention to moments that would make me feel awkward or out of my element. Every time these moments happened I'd imagine "what if I were on that girl's shoes?" and I could see that all those issues would simply go away, there would be no issue. I started living as a girl online and as time passed I stopped living my actual life to live online, because I just couldn't stand being seen as something I wasn't. I could never fully be me with people, I had different versions of me for everyone, and it just felt exhausting playing a part. Sometimes it wasn't that bad, but that feeling was still strongly present in me... When you're used to being something and people(specially your family) keep reinforcing the idea that you are a boy you just take that as a fact and it's hard to deconstruct that, cuz there are also fears... Would I make a good looking girl, would I pass, is this 400% what I want? I live in Brazil, so there was also the huge fear of transphobia, so it all delayed my transition by almost 2 years.
I started only living online, my phone was synched to my female Facebook account, I would very very rarely get on my male account, until it got to the point where I couldn't stand anymore. It was either transitioning or rotting inside my room. I took a trip to NY as my try out and for the first time I just felt like myself. I didn't have to play a part, be someone else, I was finally me. I could go to the female side of clothing stores, buy heels, flats, dresses, go to the female bathroom and it was just a dream come true... I cried of happiness, and that was before HRT, when I didn't even know what crying was lol so I knew I needed to transition. One beautiful day I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I decided that that was the day :) since then I don't regret it a single day. It's not easy sometimes, but being able to be yourself and do what you want is just priceless. ;D
I think I made this decision years ago when I was younger but to actually come out and start was another decision. When I met someone who accepted me in a romantic/relationship way and wanted to help me transition, that's when I decided the time was right. I couldn't ever be more happier that I have started. While still presenting male, when I start presenting female I know that I will be leaving my entire old life behind and moving clear into another state. Doesn't bother me, I am living for me. Hate to sound selfish, but nobody else living my life :)
For me, there wasn't an exact moment of commitment. In fact, I can't say I am completely committed now. Almost every day, I have my moments of extreme doubt. I even have times when the dypshoria seems to utterly vanish, and I am wondering why even do this thing. I know it is a cliche, but I really do take it just one day at a time.
I told myself when I turned 30 that I could not take living a lie any longer, and beyond what some family members wanted I had to be happy and do what I must to achieve it or fear a life of misery or worse. So I said screw it, I'm going for it. 8 months in and they have been the most incredible and happy 8 months in my life. I don't feel any regrets and I know this is where my life should be going. I figured well after 2 months of transition and I don't feel like this is wrong yet, everything felt right and my mind completely stopped dwelling over "wanting" to be a woman, because I was a woman and finally living my life. It's so incredible of a feeling to sense and feel your mind become at ease and explode into a kaleidoscope of new sensations and feelings of belonging and gender awareness. Finally, at long last..going from this grey abyss of an existence, not feeling like either gender, then to awaken into feeling like the gender you see in your head. This is the moment I finally feel like the sex I always new I was and am.
To simply put it. "Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, and see if it is the right path". Worse case scenario you stop after a few months. Nothing was permanent after a few months. But I would say that by then you will know for certain if it is the right path to take.
Hi. In all seriousness, transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.
Not all transgender people transition. Some find comfort in simply knowing their identity. Some find comfort in just switching roles every now and then.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the best advice I could give.
You'll know if you need to transition because there won't be much of a choice.
I'm at a similar crossroad right now. I know that I want to transition, but I'm only about 80% committed to it at this point. But part of that is because I'm still relatively early in the process when turning back is fairly easy. I'm taking steps in the right direction, but I've recently become keenly aware that I'm not all-in just yet. But the next step or two will require a real commitment. It's difficult to reverse course after HRT and coming out to everyone.
One thing that is high on my mind right now is that gender dysphoria doesn't seem to get better over time. And so if I don't transition now, the dysphoria will only get worse, and I'll have even less hair. I also don't want to live with major regrets and a building resentment toward my wife and family.
I knew the time was right when I realized I was at a good age to transition haha I feel like that helped fuel my drive even more & because with a little makeup I looked like a girl (I had barely turned 14). I was flamboyantly gay before hand & already acted like a girl so it was very natural for me. The damage puberty would do in the next few years was depressing tho :/ Watching yourself get taller & look more masculine when you're a girl is pretty traumatizing. I wen't from about 5'4" - 5'8" in those two years. Can you spell GROWTH SPURT?? Now I'm a tall girl but it's whatevs' cause I'm happy n___n Plus, every guy is usually taller than me still so it's not much I worry about lol
I wasn't sure at first. I thought that a partial transition might be right for me. I asked my doctor to put me on testosterone blockers, but to hold off on estrogen. By the time the bottle was empty I knew I wanted more. :)
Perhaps like Spooky, the effects of HRT have made it crystal clear there is no going back. The greyness, confusion and feeling of being unright with myself simply vanished.
I actually took a pretty long time to "commit"; I started off by doing small things (some women's clothes, pierced my ears, started wearing my already long hair loose, etc.) and after each step, I'd ask myself if it made me happy. If it did, I'd try something else, and so on.
I don't think I accepted that I was "really trans" and would love to live full-time as a woman for several months of that, but HRT made it clear very quickly that I couldn't imagine going back. Still, for anyone with questions, I recommend a similar gradual approach; you don't have to decide everything all at once, and it will become increasingly clear whether the individual steps are adding up to a picture you want or not.
Quote from: SammyRose on November 03, 2014, 12:54:45 PM
Hi. In all seriousness, transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.
Not all transgender people transition. Some find comfort in simply knowing their identity. Some find comfort in just switching roles every now and then.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the best advice I could give.
You'll know if you need to transition because there won't be much of a choice.
MagicalMysteryMind, this ^^^^ is probably the best observed reply to your questions.
Let's put this into context:
Transition could cost between US$30,000 and US$70,000. It's not cheap if you factor in psychologists, endocrinologists, FFS, hair removal, voice traning, breast augmentation and SRS. Most health insurers don't cover it, and government health schemes usually only cover some procedures and the waiting list is long.
You're going to spend an annoyingly large amount of time at therapists, clinics, and above all beauticians to get rid of your beard. Many people need laser and electrolysis. If you're blond then work on 150 to 250 hours of electrolysis if you've got a thickish beard. That's a lot of time...
You're going to find youself much more conscious of the risks of taking yourself through parts of town where as a guy you could just swagger through. Especially at night.
You're quite likely to lose professional status: I work in a multinational engineering company. My female colleagues all comment about how they're not listened to. It is quite certainly going to happen to me too. As a girl you cannot bark that loudly.
You will need to replace a whole wardrobe of clothes. Maybe your clothing consists of t-shirts and jeans. Hey, cool if that's the case. As a professional and as a well-dressed woman, I have easily spent $6,000 on new clothes, shoes etc. just to get a new wardrobe.
If you see yourself as an alpha male type, I honestly see a strong contradiction in wanting to become a woman. You're gonna lose power, lots of it, unless you want to be one of those women who scares all the men. It is possible, but it ain't particularly elegant or pretty.
So what made me transition? I simply got to the point where I had to be true to myself and stop hiding. That's it.
Hope this helps. I'm not trying to dissuade you, but it really IS a big thing to undertake.
Good luck
Julia
Well, for the majority of my life I really had no idea what was going on with me. I just liked what I liked, and had no idea why. I didn't even question it until my 20s. I thought maybe I was bisexual, because I was aesthetically attracted to androgynous guys. I guess around the age of 28 is when I started to feel detached from being male, so I just called myself a "sentient being inhabiting a vessel". I was becoming more and more into fashion, but not men's fashion. I realised that the women I was constantly attracted to were tomboyish and/or gay, and an emotional connection started to emerge from it all.
I thought back on the many moments in my life where I expressed myself in some feminine way; I observed my past relationships to find the pattern in why they never lasted; I remembered how I always felt uncomfortable with male-oriented compliments and pronouns; I recalled all the moments I felt uncomfortable with sex, because I never really liked having you know what; I noticed that my biology wasn't considerably masculine; I've always been far more emotionally sensitive than my guy friends; and then I put all that together and it just dawned on me...oh my god, I'm a woman.
Once I understood this my dysphoria went through the roof, and so the only logical step from there was transition. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it nags at me daily, but it has to be done. I did give myself a year to really think about it, and I haven't changed my mind. I have no idea how everything is going to turn out, or if I'll even be convincing, because I'm so used to a lot of boyish things. I think way too much about the negatives...but I keep going, and I have a lot of support. It's a little flimsy, but it's there.
If all goes well I'll begin my HRT either this month or the next. I'm hoping that by next Halloween I'll have had some decent changes; enough that I can finally dress up and feel good about it. I skipped a great costume ball this year, and I hope I won't have to skip the next one. This male "skin" has got to go.
I didn't really think about it as commitment. Funny actually, I posted a thread last week about a (slightly drunk but supportive) friend who said he admired my commitment to being a woman (by taking hormones and changing my body", etc. He meant it as compliment but like I don't consider I've committed to being a woman or to being trans, I've committed to being myself. And I knew it was the right decision because every time the thought of backing out crossed my mind I felt ill, sad and sick to the stomach. I knew transition wasn't going to be easy but not doing it was going to be much harder.
Quote from: MagicalMysteryMind on November 03, 2014, 07:13:42 AM
Hi all :)
This will sound a little silly but I'm hoping to get something out of this topic.
As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with GID a couple of years ago, it started to cause family issue and I ended up just stopping all forms of moving ahead because a close family member started to get depressed of my life decisions.
The story is at this stage in my life, I just can't make up my mind weather transition is the right thing for me not. I think about it every day, a couple of times per hour even. But this I also feel the that I could stay male my life and be reasonably happy because I will be able to achieve different things in my life that I would not be able to do if I transitioned. I almost feel as if I have an Alpha Male personality and it clashes with my GID.
I would says I'm happy as it is now, but it is an issue that is on my mind more then 50% of the day.
How did you come to make that final decision and just say yes this is the right thing for me to do.
I'm just really confused, it's a feeling that just never goes away! It scares me to think ill live the rest of my life like this, with 50% of my day wondering what if?
Thanks for anybody thats willing to read this wall of text, that probably makes zero sense. Just my ramblings that I need to get out. :-\
I felt similar in that I didn't think I needed to transition. I thought I just wanted to be a women for a long time. I was also very confused and part of me thought I would never transition because I thought I would lose my family. to me it was live as a women and lose my family or keep my family and never become the person that I wanted to be or felt like I was inside.
I struggled with this chain of thought for a really long time. Eventually it lead to me becoming severely depressed and a suicide attempt. at that point I realized it really was a need and not a want. I realized that I needed to accept my self and love myself enough to transition despite the fact that there is going to be people in my life that I was gonna lose.
Look you may never get to that point. gender dysphoria affects us all very differently. its all about how well you can cope with living as the gender you are perceived as.
I know this may sound stupid but i wanted transition since i was 6 years old, but when i come out to my family well, they hated m so much i put my transition toughts deep into my mind and try to live as half-male, half-person, i was living like that for many years, i wanted to be accepted so badly i was living in a lie, but at age 35 i just reached a point where i got only two choices, suicide or start transition.
it was best decision in my life, now i'm full time and i'm soo happy, at least i'm myself and don't need to hide all my emotions because those was "not poroper" for man, i can't even thin or talk as HE about myself anymore.
I wish you luck with finding your way MagicalMysteryMind.
Quote from: SammyRose on November 03, 2014, 12:54:45 PM
Hi. In all seriousness, transition is a last resort. It really is... it's incredibly difficult, destructive to those around us and means complete upheaval of your life. If you do not need to transition, then absolutely you shouldn't.
I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not entirely sure I agree with this. I'm on HRT, and trying not to transition for this very reason. One of my great fears is that I'll succeed, and in decades to come I'll look back on my life and think what a miserable existence it was, and how miserable I've made everyone around me.
Day be day and year by year I've managed to avoid transitioning, but I can't help wonder if the overall cost of doing that far outweighs the the relatively short term damage I'd do by transitioning. Sometimes I wish I had just a bit more desperation to transition, so I could just get on with my life.
Thank you for asking this question. I am also in the same position.
Quote from: Ms Grace on November 04, 2014, 02:53:48 AM
...but like I don't consider I've committed to being a woman or to being trans, I've committed to being myself.
Exactly. I don't think to myself "I want to be a woman". I think, "I need to get this body in line with who I am on the inside."
I always feel I have to keep telling people that I'm not wanting to
become a woman. I
am a woman, and the more I say that out loud (and within) the more it empowers me. My weakness is dwelling on the incorrectness of my body, and imagining myself as a cis woman when that's impossible, but I know that I'll be shifting that in the right direction the best that I can. Ugh.. now I'm getting emotional. :P
I had kind of figured out the path I was on, didn't care for it, and I just decided to man up and ignore what I knew was happening and I just kept on keeping on.
As a coping mechanism I was drinking way, way to much alcohol. I was blacking out most nights and I was driving to work still buzzed most mornings. I know that some of you can relate.
I knew that the threads of my "ignore the dysphoria"tm plan were beginning to unravel. Still I chose to ignore it.
Then the health issues started. I was feeling terrible and my insides hurt all of the time. My body was telling me to fix the problem and quit the alcohol..... or stay the course, get ill, and die.
Well that's a sobering (no pun intended) moment.
Once that light came on for me I knew I was out of options and I knew I was out of time and I could no longer keep ignoring what was happening to me. So I found a therapist and started down this path i'm on, losing my 27 year marriage in the process.
Was it worth it? Yes - being alive beats being dead.
Was is hard and expensive? Yes.
Did it fix every problem in my life? No, but it fixed the biggest problem I was facing (and to be honest it created some new ones), but since that big problem no longer exists and i'm going to stay alive - all things are possible.
MagicalMysteryMind - It is certainly possible to ignore dysphoria and keep on living your current life; many manage make this plan work. Like SammyRose said - transition is a last resort - if you can live your existing life without self destructive issues - by all means do it. The choices we face in this process are extremely hard, and the losses are staggering; it is a very hard road to walk and if you can avoid walking it you should do so.
I do have to point out that some day your dysphoria might become unbearable and if that happens you will be facing the same choices I was facing. That's when it's time to commit IMO - when you have no other option.
Quote from: Eva Marie on November 04, 2014, 06:49:46 AM
Did it fix every problem in my life? No, but it fixed the biggest problem I was facing (and to be honest it created some new ones), but since that big problem no longer exists and i'm going to stay alive - all things are possible.
YESSS.
I have heard of people transitioning even though it didn't seem like a last resort. There are people that are able to cope pretty well with being there assigned gender but have a really strong internal longing to be a different gender like you do. I have talked to women who never had suicidal thoughts and were fairly happy before their transition.
I wouldn't base you decision on whether or not you are depressed enough to transition. base it on whether you can handle the financial, social, and psychological stresses. and which decision you think will lead to you living a happier and more fulfilling life.
Also I think you should talk to a gender therapist. s/z/he/they can help you work through your feelings. going to a gender therapist was a super rewarding experience for me
Quote from: amber roskamp on November 04, 2014, 07:07:59 AM
I have heard of people transitioning even though it didn't seem like a last resort. There are people that are able to cope pretty well with being there assigned gender but have a really strong internal longing to be a different gender like you do. I have talked to women who never had suicidal thoughts and were fairly happy before their transition.
I wouldn't base you decision on whether or not you are depressed enough to transition. base it on whether you can handle the financial, social, and psychological stresses. and which decision you think will lead to you living a happier and more fulfilling life.
Also I think you should talk to a gender therapist. s/z/he/they can help you work through your feelings. going to a gender therapist was a super rewarding experience for me
Yeah, I've never been suicidal, but then my realisation is pretty recent. I do, however, understand how one could reach that point. It's a heavy load. For me, it will be far more financially stressful. I'm very lucky to have supportive and compassionate friends to help me along the way. I may not have struggled with the knowing as long as many here have, but now that I
do know I can't imagine continuing life as anything else. If transition suddenly became impossible for me I would probably be depressed for a while, but I always find a way to push through my obstacles. I've been seen as a guy for 33 years, so I'm sure I could endure another 33. I'd just rather not. Maybe I'll end up looking terrible, but it doesn't matter. I am what I am, and I'll take on whatever is necessary to make sure the outside reflects the inside. My friends are using female pronouns now, and it feels so nice. How could I ever change my mind? :D
When I finally stopped being a people pleaser and listened to my own needs instead of others. Choose for yourself, because others also choose for themselves. Once transitioning, there is a kind of need to be egotistical and only focus on yourself. You only do yourself a huge favor to be honest to yourself. Others also live their lives as they are, and you deserve nothing less.
I lost everything and everyone in the process, but I have 0% regrets. I plunged into the abyss. I spent years in loneliness and social isolation through transistion. But you know what? I embraced it all. Solitude taught me strength of heart, persistence and to be courageous. Aloneness taught me to listen to my heart, to not fear the silence and the inner thoughts. I am currently a fresh post-op. And I would pay that price again. The net result was: happiness and being mentally/spiritually/psychologically stronger than I could ever imagine. I am myself, I claimed my own power, and that is powerful.
For most of my life I've been quite confused about sexuality and gender. I tried, sometimes quite successfully to suppress it, or hide from it. I've done some crazy stuff in life and this was all relating to this conundrum I've been in, which is "why don't I feel comfortable in who I am".
After some quite major life events, I took sme time to think about me. Who I was, what I wanted in life, and why I wasn't happy. I came to realise this thing that had bothered me all my life cannot be hidden, or avoided. So I decided to research what transgender was. The more I learnt about it the more I realised everything I was doing fit the bill. And so six months ago a solid decision was made to transition.
If I could have done anything else, I would have done it. This was quite simply a last resort for me. It was very much my last chance at happiness. And now, which a truly epic journey ahead of me, I'm finally happy. And most importantly, I'm happy with who I am
Hugs,
Bree
Quote from: BreezyB on November 04, 2014, 08:14:51 AM
For most of my life I've been quite confused about sexuality and gender. I tried, sometimes quite successfully to suppress it, or hide from it. I've done some crazy stuff in life and this was all relating to this conundrum I've been in, which is "why don't I feel comfortable in who I am".
After some quite major life events, I took sme time to think about me. Who I was, what I wanted in life, and why I wasn't happy. I came to realise this thing that had bothered me all my life cannot be hidden, or avoided. So I decided to research what transgender was. The more I learnt about it the more I realised everything I was doing fit the bill. And so six months ago a solid decision was made to transition.
If I could have done anything else, I would have done it. This was quite simply a last resort for me. It was very much my last chance at happiness. And now, which a truly epic journey ahead of me, I'm finally happy. And most importantly, I'm happy with who I am
Hugs,
Bree
Beautiful. Here at Susan's we can take our journeys together, and that wouldn't have been so easily accomplished just 20 years ago. The internet can be a gruesome mess, but also such a blessing.
We regret the things we didn't do far more than we regret the things we actually did. Surely this translates into saying that we should always do things we're on the fence about rather than not doing them, as it'll cumulatively reduce regret in the course of our lifetimes?
If you've analyzed the decision about whether to transition or not and still can't decide, then go for it. Even anecdotal evidence (and there's plenty of it) on this site strongly suggests that few who actually transition wish they'd never bothered. Nobody's saying life is easier on the other side, or that it's easy to get to the other side in the first place, but generally life is better than what it was beforehand in some sense that makes the journey totally worthwhile.
I have had sort of an interesting revelation the last few days that might be relevant to this thread. My therapist has had me do some experiments to test me a little. Right now, I live most of my social life as female, but present as male for work and to conduct some personal business. My therapist suggested that I should try being female while presenting as male, and to note how that makes me feel. There is a club that I hang out at most of the time, which is essentially the alternative lifestyle friendly version of a "Cheers". It also happens to be April central at the moment. I have showed up there a few times before in male mode, but I always found myself trying to comply with what I saw on the outside. Yet I knew that is where I had to go, if I were going to try my therapist's suggested experiment. The last two days, I found myself very close to this club while in male mode, and decided to be April that way. What I found was, that I was still April. I still dance my authentic dance, and I still can cry. And people who know me, much to my surprise, still got it that I was April. Yet on some level, I felt terribly dysphoric. Even though I was the same person, and that person still bubbled out of me, I felt imprisoned. Yes, April still exists in pants, but it wasn't nearly so much fun. For me, it isn't exactly about a commitment up front, but a journey to find what gives you that tingle in your soul.
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.
And I was right. :) Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 04, 2014, 04:44:43 PM
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.
And I was right. :) Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.
An amazing point, Jenna Marie. Nobody has to wait until their lives and minds fall apart before they choose transition. As soon as you figure out that it would make you a happier person, go for it.
I think the question I asked myself was if I could see any joy in living as a male in 10 years from now. The answer was no. When I asked myself the same question about being female in 10 years, the answer was a hesitant yes. Hesitant because I'm not too good at handling feelings of disappointment/embarrassment about failure and I have had a hard time in believing that it's possible.
But it's not like I got to that point by myself. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the local trans support groups, therapy, and timelines of transitions on the internet, all of which I've followed for several years. And I'm still struggling every day if I'm making the right choice. I do get to enjoy times when I'm out and can consider myself who I really am. I think what April Lee posted about the feelings of being herself in boymode fit me really well too. Though I'm still unemployed, suffer from social anxiety, and often get really lonely, feel like an outsider, and depressed.
The difference is that it just feels like now I have something to live for, so the little joys of getting to be myself keep me committed. I love it when people see me, that's how I know, when I know. I got to that by trying out one little thing at a time. Was scared ->-bleeped-<-less the first time I was out in women's jeans, though I don't think anyone even batted an eyelid. I just felt really good about it and I wanted more, and I still keep wanting more.
The cross over point is unique and different for everybody so that is hard to quantify. It is a hugely risky decision and you have to be real with where you set your bar for success or you will become your own worst enemy in the end.
I think it is simple in some ways as I feel you have to be willing to risk everything to gain everything it is a huge risky bet. If you are not good with that then this may not be the best path choice to transition.
Not sure if this helps overall but in the end I made the decision based on that criteria and owned it. If I would have been half way not sure etc it would not have been a good choice for me and my current place in life. :)
All the best we all know it is not easy in any way to take these steps and anybody who does is amazing in my books!
Well I started my transition after an drug overdose. I was about ending this lifethat I wasn't able to bear anymore so this was my last chance to finally appreciate the life... and it worked. I had lots of familly issues, most of them became pretty neutral after a few months. Most of familly members who react bad (angry or "sad"/"depressed" for our choices), do it because they ignores how we feel inside. They often think we just have a bubble in our brain or that is is some kind of fantasy. I even heard some of my family members saying to me "Do you really think it's gonna be easier to live as a women?", well not as a women but as myself yes I now know it is.
I must say that I'm enought happy now that I wouldn't even care being alone. It's the first time in my life that I'm in peace with myself. It's still hard when the peoples you love stare at you with "knives sharp eyes".
For me it was inevitable. But I decided when I was 22 to go for it after a major life event... My rough timeline below.
Began dressing at 6, had a neighbor who's mum bought me clothes to dress in.
At 11 I wanted to be a prostitute for Halloween.
By 14 I was stealing mum's lingerie.
At 16 I spent two weeks in a major city on a break as a woman FT.
At 20 I got together with my partner and told her within two weeks of us beginning to date that this was possible.
At 21 we got pregnant. Then became homeless. Did an adoption (responsible thing to do).
At 22 after his adoption and being in a new area (adoption took us from West to East coast and then the end of it we landed in the middle of the country); I thought, "what the hell" and went FT before I even got hormones. Began hormones soon after. Had a wonderful first therapist Michele Omara.
Did 12 years that included the usual dark places we can find ourselves. Sex work. Homelessness. Depression. Thoughts of Self Mutilation (finding a cutter, figured Hijra was better than nada at some points there). Lost my doctor (practice closed, and I was hard for cash). Self Medicated. Came to "terms" with the possibility I may end up non-op.
Then, a sudden career change took me from $20,000 a year to $250,000 a year.
Suddenly it was as if by accepting myself as anything I could be the rest fell into place.
So I guess for me it was always inevitable but became a reality at 22.
Kami
I understand the obviousness of doing things to attain a better emotional and physical state, but few things come with the same risks as transition.
You can literally lose it all. Everything. Including the ability to have your own biological children ( which may or may not be a concern ). And it's a one-way door when you start coming out. You can't take it back if you find out that it's not the right path. And there are men and women that do find that transition is not right for them.
Maybe it's a reflection on me, but I wouldn't gamble it all without it being a last resort.
Do I regret not transitioning earlier ( I did so at 33 )? Absolutely. But, I was not ready or capable of dealing with a transition and everything it comes with before that final point. And I accept that completely, and it is what it is. There were times where I wasn't sure I'd survive this otherwise remarkably successful transition.
It is serious stuff that can have devastating consequences. Test the waters (safely), explore yourself, seek help. Be sure.
There was a quote I've read here at Susans once... Something along the lines of... Compared to transitioning, Russian Roulette is nothing.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 04, 2014, 04:44:43 PM
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.
And I was right. :) Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.
This is very resonant with me. I'm a very successful person with an amazing and interesting life, and I just had to admit that I was emotionally treading water. I could have kept on going a little while longer, but I wanted to do things on my terms while I was still young enough to have good results. I did find out, after I started, That I was far closer than i had imagined regarding losing it and having a forced transition. Once those floodgates open up you can be surprised by what comes out.
I also have to admit I simply didn't have the internal fortitude to be successful if I had started much earlier, I simply needed time to build the confidence in myself.
Quote from: SammyRose on November 05, 2014, 01:39:32 AM
You can literally lose it all. Everything. Including the ability to have your own biological children ( which may or may not be a concern ). And it's a one-way door when you start coming out. You can't take it back if you find out that it's not the right path. And there are men and women that do find that transition is not right for them.
Maybe it's a reflection on me, but I wouldn't gamble it all without it being a last resort.
If I wasn't clear in my last post gambling on losing it all was what I was fearing the most and it is the main reason I held off as long as possible. I didn't want to transition; I didn't want to be a transsexual; I didn't want to lose the life that I knew and was comfortable with; I didn't want to lose my long term marriage of 27 years to my best friend; I didn't want to experience possible discrimination and rejection; and I dang sure didn't want the challenge of trying to present as a somewhat passable female at 50 years of age.
I wanted
NONE of it.
And yet my dysphoria and the effects it was having on my health and well being eventually drove me to transition. Some can withstand dysphoria and keep living as they are without transitioning but I am not one of those people; dysphoria eventually broke me down and defeated me. I lost pretty much everything, but with the losses also came gains.
Consider carefully what you may be risking when you are making the decision to transition.
Quote from: Eva Marie on November 05, 2014, 02:20:08 AM
If I wasn't clear in my last post gambling on losing it all was what I was fearing the most and it is the main reason I held off as long as possible. I didn't want to transition; I didn't want to be a transsexual; I didn't want to lose the life that I knew and was comfortable with; I didn't want to lose my long term marriage of 27 years to my best friend; I didn't want to experience possible discrimination and rejection; and I dang sure didn't want the challenge of trying to present as a somewhat passable female at 50 years of age.
I wanted NONE of it.
I'm so sorry Eva... Your post caused a tear or two.
I remember the dread, feeling exactly as you describe, wanting absolutely nothing to do with being transgender or transition, and being without a choice in the end. I don't know, this may be one of those hurts that never go away, even after getting to the other side.
I really do have endless amounts of respect for the men and women that go through transition. Knowing just how it can be first hand, there's not a soul on the earth who deserves it. :'(
Like Eva, I fought this for decades, since I was a child I knew I was different. I had cross dressed using my mom's clothing from about the age of 9 to 14 (then outgrew what she had). I seriously came close to suicide twice before graduating high school. On multiple occasions I came very close to genital mutilation but didn't have the courage to finish with that hunting knife (which I still have to this day - gift from my deceased grandfather).
In my junior year of high school I began to try to be more male, began dating with disastrous results. In my senior year I asked a girl I'd known as a friend since 6th grade to the homecoming dance. We sort of hit it off. Coupled with hormones flowing we became sexually involved. I thought I was going to be "ok" as a guy. We graduated but she got pregnant so we married but within a year or so of being married, our intimacy once again began to fail and it was my fault due to physical self-loathing. I spent the following 35 years wavering between trying to be her husband and loathing myself until the mother of all GID episodes started for me in September 2010. I fought it, like I had every other time but this one just became darker and darker. And I knew, with my wife's upbringing and religious convictions, that if I were to transition I'd lose her. Yet none of that stopped the deep slide into a truly dark depression this time.
By February 2012 I was planning my suicide and was caught by a friend who insisted I see a therapist. My plans for a suicide that looked like an accident so my wife would get the insurance money were gone. My friend swore up and down that she'd tell the world, including the insurance company, that I was committing suicide. At first I was angry but committed to seeing a therapist. At the first session in March 2012 everything began to pour out, tears, memories, desires and that first session ended with her telling me "The first thing you have to do is stop lying, especially to yourself." Six months later I knew my marriage was gone, my two adult sons no longer spoke to me nor allowed me to see their children yet I began HRT. There were no longer any losses to avoid. They created the losses by threatening to cut me off then acting on that threat when I came out.
My spouse and I live together right now as housemates purely for financial reasons while she finishes up the degree she gave up years ago when she got pregnant. Once she is done, we will part ways. More than 27 months later and my eldest son still doesn't speak to me nor have I seen my grandchildren by him in that time either. My youngest son did open contact via email a few months ago but remains very aloof thus far. Only my daughter has supported me throughout this.
I went legally full time as me on September 29th, 2014. There's no going back for me. The last two years, despite grief and emotional losses, have also held some of the highest emotional points of my entire life and a sense of self and liberation that I never ever had before at any time.
I delayed this as long as possible and now, having discovered that love is very very conditional, I regret having sacrificed so much for those who clearly don't give a damn about me. Knowing what I know now, I would have transitioned a few years after I was married, right after I left the service. It would have saved a lot of people a lot of grief, and my children, except for my daughter, wouldn't have ever had to deal with "what will the neighbors think?" type selfish thinking. (Yes, my eldest son's wife actually was more worried about that than my health.)
If you are trans, you aren't going to escape it. You may be able to live male. Some manage it. Good luck to you. I just hope that you are not like me years from now, discovering that all your sacrifices meant nothing to those to whom you gave your heart, and that they'd rather you be dead than transition. (Yes, my eldest son actually said that.)
In my opinion, the problem is some think transition is the full boat. Going from male to 100% female. When in actuality transition is different for everybody. I started with undergarments. Then I got my nails done and now I get my hands done every 2 weeks and toes every month. And now you could not stop me from getting my Mani's and Pedi's. Then with pants and shorts and now I am experimenting with tops. My therapist has clients that are transitioning and are not even on hormones. Transition means different things to different people. For me I am playing it by ear. Doing what I need to keep my mind from blowing up. Lol. I just recently came to the conclusion that hormones are my next step. And I waited about a month to long. This last month I have put myself and my wife through hell. In some situations hormones can end a relationship. But in my case they might just save it. You do not have to go from one extreme to another to transition. Some who are transitioning show no signs unless you know what you are looking for. If it was not for the nails and jewelry you would never know I am transitioning. Your transition is your transition. Go at your own pace. For me right now my transition consist of a couple feminine things on the out side and low dose hormones to try and keep the disphoria at bay. It never goes away. Some are just better at pushing it way down. I was for over 40 years. It always came back and worse than before.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 04, 2014, 04:44:43 PM
I am in fact one who transitioned without it being a last resort, without being depressed, without being suicidal. I thought it would make me happ*ier*, not that I wasn't happy already.
And I was right. :) Now, waiting probably would have seen me plunged into the depths of desperation so many describe... but I don't regret doing it long before I got to that point. Yes, there was a lot of upheaval in my life, and some risk; the flip side is, I've gotten to live joyously as a woman for many more years than likely would have been the case if I'd waited for the "do or die" point.
This is me as well. And the transition or death narrative is part of the reason I didn't transition earlier. I figured I probably wasn't really trans because I didn't feel like they said I was supposed to feel. Nevermind the fact that I fit the profile in just about every other way.
At this point I'm taking the first steps toward transition precisely because I know that dysphoria only gets worse over time...it doesn't get better. So I feel like my window of opportunity is now. And I'm finally going after something I have always wanted. It's a great feeling!
Quote from: SammyRose on November 05, 2014, 01:39:32 AM
You can literally lose it all. Everything. Including the ability to have your own biological children ( which may or may not be a concern ).
This is actually the one reason I'm glad I waited till now to transition. My kids are awesome! And they're still young enough that they don't have prejudices and fear of the neighbors like so many adult children of trans people. :(
Quote from: LizMarie on November 05, 2014, 09:35:02 AM
I delayed this as long as possible and now, having discovered that love is very very conditional, I regret having sacrificed so much for those who clearly don't give a damn about me. Knowing what I know now, I would have transitioned a few years after I was married, right after I left the service.
Liz, I'm so sorry you've had to go through such a rough time with your family. But you bring up a good point. Even with supportive people around us, this is still our journey and it's usually a very isolating journey. There's a proverb that says "each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one can share in its joy."
Tuuliu and Eva Marie's posts really resonate with me. I got up against this a decade ago and decided that I had too much to lose. Those 10 years have had little joy in them. Looking forward, I have maybe 20 more years. And I don't really see joy there either if I don't, finally, at last, at long last, put my needs ahead of pleasing others and conforming to rules I don't believe in. Can I survive without doing this? Probably. Will I find a bit of joy and fulfillment in the remainder of my life? Seems unlikely unless something changes.
When I think about what I'm doing, and where I might end up, I'm terrified. But...I'm also excited. And it's been a long, long time since I've been excited about the future. That feeling is my compass, and I'm following it, one step and one day at a time.
LizMarie I'm at the point I wish you could tell me your suicide plan. I would like to know how it can look like an accident.
I am so sick of living getting up every morning thinking of who I am and who I want to be. I think about it from the morning I get up till I go to sleep. My family would be better if I wasn't here.
This is so paralyzing. I don't know who all of you transition. It's like it could never happen for me.
Um... hate to get off topic here, but does anyone know if OP is still around?
There haven't been any posts since the original.
Last online on profile. Easy.
Quote from: Melanie CT on November 07, 2014, 05:25:11 AM
LizMarie I'm at the point I wish you could tell me your suicide plan. I would like to know how it can look like an accident.
I am so sick of living getting up every morning thinking of who I am and who I want to be. I think about it from the morning I get up till I go to sleep. My family would be better if I wasn't here.
This is so paralyzing. I don't know who all of you transition. It's like it could never happen for me.
Is there a reason why your family is keeping you from doing so?
Asking because for the longest time that was my block (hyper conservative catholic family from south america ... wooo), until one day I just had enough and moved super far away and informed them later that I was a woman and I was doing this and if they're there great, and if not then too bad.
It's extremely hard, and I was extremely alone for the longest time. But I figured I would rather face that than having to live a lie for people who ultimately didn't even know me. And I'm definitely much happier from it.
And with time family has become more tolerant because ... well, some of them are genuinely family. Some aren't, but like I said, that's ok, nothing I can do about it.
Can't control them, but I can definitely do my best to control my life and make it what I want.
Quote from: AnonyMs on November 04, 2014, 05:46:20 AM
I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not entirely sure I agree with this. I'm on HRT, and trying not to transition for this very reason. One of my great fears is that I'll succeed, and in decades to come I'll look back on my life and think what a miserable existence it was, and how miserable I've made everyone around me.
Day be day and year by year I've managed to avoid transitioning, but I can't help wonder if the overall cost of doing that far outweighs the the relatively short term damage I'd do by transitioning. Sometimes I wish I had just a bit more desperation to transition, so I could just get on with my life.
How ironic? My thoughts are the exact opposite. I think what if I stop, make my family happy and then wake up 50 years from now, thinking I could have had a wonderful marriage with a man I loved and a baby and a nice little house but instead I detransitioned and died alone, working some job I hate, dreaming of the time when I was a woman's mag editor and looking forward to people telling me how pretty and adorable I am. In those last momnents, before death took me to hell, I would think: I'm such a pussy. I could have had one. errrrrrrrrrrrrrr