Is this the right place for this post? I'm new and I wasn't sure where to post...
I'm "questioning" at this point. Struggling, but considering that I may be FTM. I have lived half of my life that way (before my boys were born) and am considering transitioning again, but permanently.
I got pregnant at 19 (during a time that I was living as a female) My twin boys were born when I was 20 and by the time I was almost 21 I started to have feelings again about being FTM. I have tried to suppress these feelings since then but they are getting so strong now (I'm 25)
My boys just turned 5, their Dad is really not in their life, they lost my dad 18 months ago (who was their father figure), one of my boys has (high functioning) autism (high iq as well), bipolar disorder, adhd. The other has not yet been diagnosed but definitely adhd, probable bipolar disorder. anyway, my point is they have a lot going on in their lives. We each see our own therapist (I also have bipolar disorder) and we are also going through family therapy right now because I really wanted some tools to make our house happier and better managed (it's going great!).
I'm so afraid of confusing them, or causing them any heartache. I don't want to mess up their childhood but I know I won't be happy if I don't transition.
I'm wondering how others have handled coming out to their kids and transitioning with kids. I'm hoping to hear everyones perspective.
Quote from: samblack on November 05, 2014, 11:30:26 AM
I'm so afraid of confusing them, or causing them any heartache. I don't want to mess up their childhood but I know I won't be happy if I don't transition.
Wouldn't it mess up their childhood more to have a parent who is miserable and fighting a battle over whether to live an authentic life?
I think kids are resilient and intelligent enough to understand. "Some people are so unhappy living the way they are, that they have to change. I'm unhappy living as a woman, and I need to become a man" is all they'll need. It will make sense to them.
Suzi is so right! Kids are not set in their ways or beliefs yet or have had them forced to conform to "norms" dictated by society. I lost my 16 year old daughter (Southern Baptist zealot), but my 15 year old son stayed with me and has been my rock of support. At 6'3" and 280 lbs it is nice to have him protect me from any problems which fortunately have not reared their ugly heads. :)
I don't think you transitioning would hurt your kids at all. People might say that it would, but I'm pretty sure that it is just a myth borne of transphobia similar to how people (i.e. social conservatives on Fox news) used to say that having gay parents would mess kids up. The actual research out there says that gays parents are just as good or better than straight parents. My guess is that the same is true of trans-parents as well. A good parent is a good parent regardless of gender or sexuality.
It might be difficult to explain to them, but once they get it, they'll probably support you, especially since they are so young. In any case, it will probably cause them heartache if you are miserable all the time as they grow up, so you should try to find happiness.
Anyone who says transition is going to hurt kids, obviously has never done it.
I was in the same position as you were in January when I came out to my husband. We were influenced by all those "know it all adults" who were screaming from the rooftops that they knew what was best for my children. I was fearful of coming out to them.
But I went digging. I found some wonderful posts from other transparents via FB and livejournal. I got a children's book that came out early this year to also help explain it. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/274343#download
I informed my self, and a week later came out to both my kids. My daughter who is now 8 and my son who is turning 5 next month.
My son didn't quite understand which I expected and my daughter was mildly confused but the more explaining and truthful and upfront I was with them, the more they understood and now it's like breathing air.
In a weeks time my name was changed in the household and my kids were the first ones to grasp it fully without missing a beat and also the first to correct every single person around them.
Children are more understanding and resilient than we realize. They are wonderful little people that love you unconditionally and I think we tend to forget that fact.
Don't let the public be the underlining to your sorrows. They have no place in your household and your life. Your children are your children and there are thousands of people across this globe who will stand with you on that decision. Don't let someone else be the defining factor on something they don't know anything about.
Quote from: Hex on November 05, 2014, 04:22:43 PM
Anyone who says transition is going to hurt kids, obviously has never done it.
I was in the same position as you were in January when I came out to my husband. We were influenced by all those "know it all adults" who were screaming from the rooftops that they knew what was best for my children. I was fearful of coming out to them.
But I went digging. I found some wonderful posts from other transparents via FB and livejournal. I got a children's book that came out early this year to also help explain it. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/274343#download
I informed my self, and a week later came out to both my kids. My daughter who is now 8 and my son who is turning 5 next month.
My son didn't quite understand which I expected and my daughter was mildly confused but the more explaining and truthful and upfront I was with them, the more they understood and now it's like breathing air.
In a weeks time my name was changed in the household and my kids were the first ones to grasp it fully without missing a beat and also the first to correct every single person around them.
Children are more understanding and resilient than we realize. They are wonderful little people that love you unconditionally and I think we tend to forget that fact.
Don't let the public be the underlining to your sorrows. They have no place in your household and your life. Your children are your children and there are thousands of people across this globe who will stand with you on that decision. Don't let someone else be the defining factor on something they don't know anything about.
wow you are so lucky to have a supportive husband! If I were in a relationship I would be so scared about what that would bring.
Thank you for your reply. What do your children call you? have they had an easy time with it or have their been any struggles?
I was deathly afraid my husband wouldn't take very well to it tbh but I did somehow get lucky in that dept lol
My kids call me Hex(my first name). At first we tried Dad and Daddy but that ended up in a lot of confusion among all of us (was actually kinda funny in hindsight)
So I decided that my first name would work and also help get it in everyone's brains and sure enough that worked. But my husband still comments that I'm also their dad/father and we both identify as that and or Parents to other people.
My daughter tried telling kids at school that her mom is now her dad and none of the kids believed her but.. well that was to be expected.
I did speak with the principle and her teachers though about what was going on and thankfully her school has a strict no tolerance bulling policy in place and my daughter was informed that if anyone was saying anything, to report it and it would be taken care of (and it has worked well)
The school, a very good surprise, was very behind us in our lifestyle and open and welcoming to LGBT so it's been really great as far as all of that goes.
Family side it's been pretty great except for my dad's parents but it's a work in progress and the children understand the situation. I just explained that sometimes other people don't agree and that's ok but it doesn't make them automatically correct either.
I'm struggling with whether to transition or not, partly because I have a child (under 5).
I get that some people don't appear to find this a problem. I'm also aware of the arguments that children are 'resilient' to such changes. On a practical level, however, I do have a problem with it. There's nothing in particular that backs up my fears but then I don't believe there's anything outside of anecdote demonstrating that everything will be fine. For the last couple of years I've observed my child wrestle with the breakup of his mother and I (after my transgender revelation) and it's far from fun to watch. So in my experience, such events do trouble young minds, and we don't really know in what way and to what extent into the future. I wish I didn't worry about it, but I do and doubt very much that my outlook will change (and I've tried, believe me). The way I view it is that I knew I was trans, yet had a child. That makes it my problem, my responsibility, not his. For me it's just one more thing to deal with, I guess.
I suspect that transitioning is somewhat personality dependent. I have a very reclusive, introverted not particularly confident personality (socially), which I think has in part prevented me from transitioning. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I have tried two courses of HRT each spanning a 6-month period, but I hit a wall once I start fearing I will be outed. I've often said to psychiatrists that in a social vacuum I would transition in a flash. But once external factors are brought into the mix -- parents, friends, work colleagues, children -- I could never imagine transitioning, irrespective of the fact that the thought of doing so plagues my mind constantly.
So to the OP I say good luck in your decision, I know it's a very difficult one. I think the strength to transition in this situation is something that must come from within, something that you're very comfortable with, rather than a decision that someone else is comfortable with. I hope that you're stronger and luckier than I am.
My wife outed me to my then 16 year old daughter. My daughter now 17 still does not want to talk about it and is trans phobic a bit. I love her and she loves me. We are great friends but she does not want to accept or acknowledge my "trans issues". She really has a problem that I lied to her and it has only been 4 months since finding out. So hopefully she comes around. I really think she thinks trans is a sexual perversion and I have no way to educate her. I do know I put off transitioning because I could not face my fears and perhaps when she was young I could have educated her and she would have grown up understanding I have a correctable birth defect.
Hex, thanks for sharing that book! Wow!
Here's another thread that may be of interest: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174927.0.html
I started transitioning socially over a couple years ago and medically about a year ago. My son was diagnosed as autistic almost a year ago. He is now five. The only confusion is that the staff at his autism program keep calling me "she" and "mom," so the problem is more with the adults than him. He calls me "mom" because that's what the staff tell him to call me and I don't know what else to go with. Other than that, we haven't had any problems related to my transition.
Honestly, I'd have to agree with everyone. Transition when they're young. I had to hear a few people say I'd mess up my son. But honestly, I think a dead parent is less effective than one who is a little "unusual." Besides, whose parents aren't?
I'll be transitioning soon, my son will be 2 or 3. But I almost killed myself putting up with my feelings. So what if he has 2 moms. We both love him, and he might be confused for a while, and might be angry with me at some point in my life. But growing up without me would probably be worse, in my opinion.
I say go for it. Kids are more understanding anyway.
this stuff doesn't confuse kids at all. at least no more than the initial confusion about who's gonna be my mom if you aren't.
young kids have no misconceptions about what is or isn't possible.
only other adults can complicate this.
and fear. if you manage to instill fear in your kids, of losing you, then that's going to be a problem.
my daughter doesn't want me to become a guy. that isn't really my intention either, though.
but i've been open with her about "wanting to be a boy", and she is prepared to see me become different.
she's always known and seen me as something very different than your typical mom, she just doesn't realize it yet.
she's 10 already, and i keep thinking it would have been much better if i could transition when she was 5.
but i couldn't, and i still don't know if i can.
because of my stupid government and the health authorities. not because of my daughter.
Studies specifically focussed on the impacts of transgendered parents and their children are scarce and/or inconclusive. Personally, I am erring on the side of caution, mostly because there are too many factors involved, leaving open the possibility that my decisions will harm my child in the short or long term. As I said previously, I made the decision to have a child in full knowledge that I was trans. Subsequently, I believe that my current situation is my responsibility, not my child's. And no, I have no reason to believe that I will be a happier, more adjusted parent as a result of transitioning, despite a very strong desire to do so.
That said, I thought this report was worth sharing: https://www3.aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/same-sex-parented-families-australia/transgender-parents (https://www3.aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/same-sex-parented-families-australia/transgender-parents)
The above section specifically relates to transgendered parents, but it's worth reading the rest of the report.
This one is also good (pp. 12-13 refer to the age of a child being relevant to early transition): https://www.aclu.org/files/assets/aclu-tg_parenting_guide.pdf (https://www.aclu.org/files/assets/aclu-tg_parenting_guide.pdf)
I am MtF and I have to say the kids are pretty much indifferent.
One my daughters called me beautiful but she has mostly not said much of anything after that... except when she counted the stripes on a dress I was wearing. The other two? They love me to death mostly, don't comment how I dress at all.
I was afraid they'd talk at school but two things happened. One, they didn't. Two, even if they did, I'm prepared to confront it head on. I absolutely love being me and I'm very confident now.
Soon I'm going to tell my wife I am getting a black and purple dress to match our daughters this XMas for our family photos. Should be fun. :-*
There are also other things to consider. Like how can I teach my son that it's ok to be himself if I can't show that it's ok to be myself?
Thought I'd chime in here, though I never see myself transitioning.
I came out in 2004 as a crossdresser, my son was 4 and my daughter 11. I started a more androgynous style of presentation around 2010, which included a lot of feminine clothing but rarely breasts. I began this current journey in 2012 as a result of my divorce. My daughter, now 21, hates the ground I walk on, but mostly due to the nature of my separation from my now ex-wife. I have my son (14) on a regular basis and present as Pansy almost full time. He is really indifferent and goes everywhere with me without batting an eyelash. I feel this has a LOT to do with me constantly encouraging self expression throughout his entire life added with my WAY more positive attitude due to the release of my demons. He is in no way interested in my lifestyle, but totally accepting of it and more open minded all the time. Parents who respect their children with honesty and openness will most likely get the same in return. Good luck and I hope this helps.
Pansy
Quote from: Edge on November 07, 2014, 03:18:10 PM
There are also other things to consider. Like how can I teach my son that it's ok to be himself if I can't show that it's ok to be myself?
This was a consideration of mine. My 4 y.o. son began to wear his sisters' pink boots and I started to freak out. Then I realized holy crap he might be just like me. I'm taking a wait and see approach with him and I won't hinder him. But I won't push him anywhere he doesn't want to be. I haven't really seen him wearing anything of his sisters anymore but he asks to go to the girls bathroom in school. He goes with someone (a female teacher) but only because they don't go to the boys. I have no idea whether it's because he's afraid of the boys bathroom (the urinal in particular) or he wants to be a girl. Anyway this kind of prodded me to explore my own trans ness and the rest is history.
I made my change when my kids were 6 and 3. They took it alright until they were taught differently as they grew up. After they left the nest where I could "legally" see them, I lost contact for a few years. They are now coming around and we are connecting again. I see my son every time I go back to the state where my family lives. My daughter and I have been exchanging emails over the past couple months. It has meant everything to me to have them back in my life.