Trigger warning, imma talk about mental health stuff fairly graphically, please don't read if you get triggered.
So as y'all probably figured out, I deal with my darkness most days. Fortunately the gender stuff is pretty much dialled, tho of course I've internalised a lot of cissexist, trans-antagonistic BS over the years and Hest (who is the nasty part of my brain) likes to use that to remind me what a failure I am. Fortunately I am skilled in their machinations and know that it's them doing the talking rather than it being things I actually believe.
The last few months have been tough, tough enough that I'm trying to go back to the psych and get more help, I've previously been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. A fantastic combo of low mood and apathy, and the emotional stability of a three year old after she's eaten all the E numbers and sugar. I now believe that my mood is cyclic, certainly there is a history of bi-polar in my family and I'm trying to get help for that. Fingers crossed though I haven't had the most amount of luck with mental health services round where I live.
I'm sorry if I worry you guys, I find it really hard to talk about this, there's a lot of stigma and discrimination attached to being neuro-atypical, and despite knowing that and actively trying to change that culture, I have of course internalised a lot of it, which Hest ->-bleeped-<-ing loves.
Despite all this, or maybe because of it, I am fairly positive. I live in the now... Well sometimes I just exist, those times aren't great, but when I get to live I generally have fun doing it. I have carried this darkness for a long long time, I've self harmed since I was very little, I try not to but the voice never really goes away. It'll probably kill me, and I'm okay with that, because it hasn't happened yet. It's probably morbid to focus on it, but it gives me a bit of peace. If the world goes down the route I suspect it will, but really hope it doesn't, I go willingly into whatever awaits me, far better than the alternative. If you've ever seen V for Vendetta, I am the woman who leaves the note that Evie reads (that's the future I fear, and if it does come to that I won't give them the satisfaction of breaking me).
This is what I mean about being powered by darkness, I'm an activist and anarchist precisely because I don't want the world to end up there.
So I'm sorry if I worry people from time to time, I am volatile but some how keep on surfing the catastrophe curve. It's probably why I like skateboarding so much.
I am glad you are finding the help you need. It takes a lot to tell others about our flaws which shows you are stronger than you think. You vent anytime you need to and hopefully something someone replies with helps a little. Please keep us updated! :)
i'll love you even bipolar, my dear friend.
you're colorful and i like the deep, darker colors too.
but hest, seriously. don't you dare harm my friend.
teasing the faery is ok, but don't take it too far.
i have no friends that i can afford to lose.
Quote from: Taka on November 05, 2014, 02:38:10 PM
i'll love you even bipolar, my dear friend.
you're colorful and i like the deep, darker colors too.
but hest, seriously. don't you dare harm my friend.
teasing the faery is ok, but don't take it too far.
i have no friends that i can afford to lose.
I am happy to be your friend :D
Knowing Hest is there, is half the battle. It's when I think that they're me that things get messy.
Jessica, I will keep you all informed and hopefully get somewhere with this round of help.
Thanks so much for sharing what must be so difficult.
It's the knowing these things about each other that brings us closer, and helps so much in understanding and relating to one another here.. If we don't know a person, it's easy for our minds to assume things(i've been guilty of that with people) and thus say the wrong things for the wrong reasons. It's only when we know anothers secrets that we can most our words, and intent when interacting with them, and be the best friend and supporter we can be..
I understand you much better now.! You're a very special person.. :)
Df
You know I have your back. You make a difference here, know this, passion and truth are huge with me.
And I don't care about disorders, my friends have them, two of my kids... so what. It means I am needed, and can do something special when opportunities knock.
So dear Dragon, be the warrior for the good of all trans you were born to be.
Nails out, hair down, heart wide open, living free. Like you do.
Blessings
Satinjoy
Hello Dread_Faery
Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate how difficult it is to open up about how you're feeling. I kind of like the idea of having a friend that's bipolar and the darkness that you live in only because it adds so much more color to my life and it would be a pleasure to call you a friend. I wish you the happiness and joy that you deserve. And maybe angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann
Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 05, 2014, 03:18:11 PM
I am happy to be your friend :D
Knowing Hest is there, is half the battle. It's when I think that they're me that things get messy.
hest is a self destructive entity?
i've been unlucky with my name. my parents really didn't think about how stupid it can be to name a child not only after the eagle, but also hildr.
that valkyrie who just loves her warriors so much that she'd revive them over and over again, even if that means they'll have to fight their deadly battle until the end of the world. hating and loving battle at the same time.
falling into darkness wouldn't be very difficult. all i'd have to do is turn off my empathy. or redefine love a little.
the power is destructive enough that i can easily turn it on myself. i'm lucky to have enough self doubt to not have fallen for it completely.
was a long and hard fight out of anxiety and depression, but i think i'm good enough now that it will take a whole lot to make it clinical again.
never got a diagnose, but... i'm sure i could have easily gotten that if only i were a little bit honest about it.
Hest is very self destructive, they criticise everything, looking for a way in. They can even use my empathy against me, especially when I didn't understand how the borderline affected me, that happens less now that I own my imperfections.
I'm a dragon, a creature of chaos, and understanding my nature helps me. All I miss are my wings and the flying, but skating down hills at 40mph helps
i always wanted to be a fighter pilot... never grew tall enough to become one in norway, and later i discovered they'd never have considered me anyway because of some stupid allergy. no serious military in the world would ever want me, if i ever got hurt the treatment would be more likely to kill me than the damage itself.
but... who needs machines to fly. wings of love are enough for me.
and if they ever stop working, i'll still be a common scorpio.
passionate or cold, there's no real middle ground with me. ever.
balancing passion into love rather than hate is difficult. going cold would be a bad solution, lack of feelings won't make anyone a better person.
i'll just have to hope that living on a knife edge can strengthen the feeling of being alive even more than it strengthens fear.
The trick is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. After a while you forget you're falling and you can just relax.
I'd like to fly, either gliders or learn to wing suit fly. Both are out of my reach at the moment though, but I dream.
a cousin of mine uses to hang glide.
at somewhere near 60.
his new wife prefers to stay at home when he does that, pretending he's doing something much safer.
i should try that stuff. looks like fun.
skateboarding is kind of impossible to do regularly where i live, i'm pretty much guaranteed to be hit by a car if i try more than a few times.
We all seem to balance a basket of crap of one kind or another on our heads, I'm here for you too Dread_Faery, you know I care about you and everyone else here as well. I'm not an anarchist per se but I see the same clouds on the horizon and fully intend to stand and deal with it, we can all hold hands and stand fast together. PM's are always acceptable if you get in a rut sweetie! xox ~Shan~
Thanks auntie Shan :D
Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 06, 2014, 02:47:17 PM
Thanks auntie Shan :D
I'm here for you doll baby, we can work through it together!
I actually read something today, which is the first thing I've read in months.
reminds me i have to buy a couple light novels so i can read some series that i'd intended to finish a while ago.
a tiny bit of ocd prevents me from reading the 3rd volume before the 2nd, even when they could probably be enjoyed separately.
Heya! Nice to know Your dark side, Faery. We all have that one, but most of us tend to hyde that one. Being honest and showing Your vulnerability sometimes works as stress relief - if You want to share more, You know we are all listening here :).
(The following is to show you are not alone.)
I'm borderline with ptsd symptoms. It's a difficult thing to live with isn't it? Have you done any schema and/or DBT therapy?
I also have something like Hest. I named her April. (I see her as female for some reason that is probably related to dysphoria.) She's the part of me that hated me, called me everything others had called me and believed it or, at least, she thought she did. What I realized was that she was just hurting and lashing out at me. So I wrote her a letter telling her I understood why she was doing it, but that she needed to stop and that we would work together so both of us would be stronger. I haven't had any problems with her since.
Of course, that just worked for me and you may be different.
I also did that for and during a self esteem course that was also a tremendous help. Unlike most self esteem suggestions which really just give tips that don't usually help on their own, we actually got into detail about who we actually are. It's a lot easier to have healthy self esteem when one knows what they have to be esteemed about.
In any case, what I mean to say is you're not alone, you have support in many people here (myself included), and I wish you the best.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 06, 2014, 09:07:14 AM
The trick is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference. Nice!
I have tried to get help through local psych services, but haven't had much in the way of luck, they only seem to want to intervene if you're an acute danger to yourself and others. I've tried online CBT, but I do the classic thing of not wanting to think about things when I'm up, and being too mired in shadows to want to do anything when I'm low. Skateboarding helps a lot though, it centres me in the moment and stops me thinking about the bad stuff because skateboarding is something you do, rather than think about.
I've known since I was little what my name would have been if I'd been born female, and I think Arwen and I have made our peace with each other... Like we both wanted to be mothers, being a parent wouldn't have been enough, it's being a mother that is what mattered to us, I deal with it by acknowledging my kinship with other women who can't be mothers. It still hurts but it centres me as female. Hest is something different though, they're the part that whispers things, especially when people don't talk to me, unresolved conflict is incredibly stressful for me, in fact it's a massive trigger. I've learnt survival mechanisms, I am quite blunt, not through any lack of deviousness, but just because it stops me being triggered. I might try writing Hest a letter, though I don't know if they'll listen. I have a letter I wrote for my parents but never sent them, that helped me understand why I act in ways I do. Like I understand the root of my BPD, when I was twelve I was packed off to boarding school, I didn't really feel I had a choice and it was hell. I endured close to seven years of psychological abuse just at the point where I became aware that I wasn't who I should have been. I attempted suicide twice, self harmed and was severely anorexic by the time I left and I blamed my parents because to my twelve year old mind they'd abandoned me. A lot of my childhood is blank, every once in a while I'll get a flash back, usually centred on the bad stuff. I don't think I've ever really talked about it with anyone, I'm in tears just writing this.
Sorry this ended up being way more painful than I thought it would be
i think i'd have been thrilled if my parents sent me to a boarding school when i was twelve, even if the school was like a bad prison.
home was hell to me, with the stupid parents i have.
if you want to talk about ruined or close to nonexistent childhood, then you might be able to find a lot of people with some experience here.
if just writing about it makes you cry, you should write or talk more about it.
you don't have to do it right here if you think it's too dark, but i'd read a pm if you were to send me one.
I'm saddened at how you, edge and others have suffered such psychological damage and have become so devastated. I suppose that I should be in the same boat having also been abandoned at a boarding school as a young child along with my even younger brother as our parents divorced, My little brother cried at night missing his mommy, he was six years old and I was ten. The big Franciscan nun beat him with a wooden pointer stick and she punched me in the mouth when I snapped her stick out of her hand trying to defend my brother. She loosened my two front teeth and split my lip.
I learned to fight there protecting my little brother from bullies.
Later we returned home after our mom remarried. The man was an abusive alcoholic who squandered everything on booze and would disappear for days on end. He stole my piggy bank and spent the contents I had saved for several years on liquor. One night he returned and punched my mom in the face, I ran and got his 12 ga shotgun from the closet, loaded it and ran him out with it, she divorced him shortly afterwards. My mom was a very attractive woman with a vivacious personality which men mistook for something else. As I grew older and had enough of the miscreants that showed up as suitors, I began to defend my mother against her own poor choices beating two of them senseless and almost killing the third who fell backwards down a flight of basement stairs after getting a knuckle sandwich square in the chops. My little brother had become a rabid alcoholic by this time and finally I had enough and at 18 I volunteered and joined the Army and went off to the Vietnam War. In all honesty I can say that I have spent my entire youth defending and caring for others. I had never learned to smile or laugh until I married my childhood girlfriend who had once lived down the street from me. She knows me well and says that I never had a childhood and had missed out on so much. I do have PTSD issues related to warfare, but have learned to recognize the triggers and how to deal with it as I have the tools through seven years of counseling. I suppose that I should manifest some of the mental problems of others here, but I have been fortunate.
I am finally enjoying my childhood now here through Susan's and in my affiliation with others like myself and am still defensive and nurturing of you all at times as that has become a very part of my nature. My heart goes out to you all who suffer so from the awful slings and arrows that life serves up. We are all family here and you are all my little brothers and sisters.
Taka, I will share something with you via pm, but also read the creature thread :)
My dysphoria squarely kicked in just as I went to boarding school. I remember being excited, and wanting to go, but you know what I got caught up with the idea of it being a family tradition, I was the third generation of my family to go (that I know of), but my dad didn't and I think at 10/11 years old I just wanted to impress him.
It was hell, and while I do have some good memories mostly they were towards the end. I think knowing what it did helps a bit, but it doesn't stop the trauma or it's after effects. It's only recently that I've been able to acknowledge it as abuse, because it doesn't fit the accepted narrative of abuse.
I was put in a psych ward at fifteen partially because of damage done by abuse that I didn't realize was abuse until three years later (it was mostly psychological and they played a lot of mind games). My family still doesn't acknowledge it as abuse.
i had enough abuse at home to make up for not being sent to a boarding school...
and i never liked grade and middle school anyway. had one half happy year at 13/14, and that's pretty much it for childhood.
kindergarten was kind of nice as far as i remember, except for the boys rejecting me so fiercely at one time that i almost broke some fingers.
happy memories from home or school are too few, but i did have a little bit of childhood, a rare once in a while.
still had suicidal thoughts from early enough that i can't really remember when. around 10 or something, probably.
it's kind of depressing that so many of us have a history of different forms of abuse, and too often from family.
makes me wonder if abuse really can lead to gender dysphoria, or if it's us being different that people pick up on and causes them to abuse.
my mom says i always was something of a tomboy, and i suppose that must have been the main reason why she always told me to act more ladylike. always makes sure to tell me how cute i am. always tried to force me into dresses and skirts even when no other girls wore them.
Quote from: Taka on November 07, 2014, 12:38:12 PM
makes me wonder if abuse really can lead to gender dysphoria, or if it's us being different that people pick up on and causes them to abuse.
For the second, that may be true for some people, but not all.
For the first, I highly doubt it and not just from what we know from current research on gender dysphoria. The sad fact is that if abuse led to gender dysphoria, the numbers of trans people would be several times higher.
i know that edge. it's just so many abused children here, it's scary.
if there is no causation, it might mean that that many children are abused in percentage. everywhere, every day.
causation is an easier thought to bear.
Gender dysphoria makes us vulnerable, and abusers use our vulnerabilities against us. How many of us as kids convinced ourselves we deviant freaks, unfit to see the light of day? I know that's how I saw myself until I transitioned. I thought of myself as unfit to be loved and saw my being sent to boarding school as proof of this. Heck I even ended up in an abusive relationship with a woman who basically gas lighted me and made me doubt everything about myself, all because she said she loved me.
The hard thing is my biologicals will never, ever be able to see it that way, they acted out of love, but what good is that if all it brought was pain and hurt?
The worst thing is how I normalised it, I remember reading a checklist of signs you were in an abusive relation ship and it was a horrible realisation ticking far too many off the list.
Quote from: Taka on November 07, 2014, 12:46:53 PM
i know that edge. it's just so many abused children here, it's scary.
if there is no causation, it might mean that that many children are abused in percentage. everywhere, every day.
causation is an easier thought to bear.
They are.
Personally, the abuse I suffered had nothing to do with me being trans and, aside from distracting me from it for awhile, it had no effect on my gender identity or vice versa. Except being raped. That was the most emasculating thing ever and f-ed me up for awhile.
Quote from: Taka on November 07, 2014, 12:46:53 PM
i know that edge. it's just so many abused children here, it's scary.
if there is no causation, it might mean that that many children are abused in percentage. everywhere, every day.
causation is an easier thought to bear.
I think some people are attracted to each other, the end result being children that they want to love but come to resent for various reasons. I recall telling one young fellow who had been enjoying the delights of his loving spouse that once she announces that she is pregnant he will automatically go from being number one to number three and beyond when even more children come. Some expect it and receive that responsibility as father as provider well, others not always so and the children eventually are seen as the wedge that has come between them. Intimacy goes out the window and in time they become emotionally estranged and begin to take each other for granted. Unhappiness seeps in and is eventually supplanted by discontent and anger. Some wind up in divorce, other's take it out on the kids. Either way, the children suffer the emotional brunt of it.
I know how you feel. I was bullied a lot and still bear the emotional scars and am constantly avoiding triggers. It's made me very sensitive to some things and I'm nervous a lot of the time. It never seems to get easier but the pain gets worse for no apparent reason either. The verbal and physical abuse is engrained in my mind and I use it to convince myself that I'm still the things my bullies told me.
in my case, my mother is just crazy, but doesn't realize it herself.
she had some troubles with her own parents, left her two oldest kids behind to run away with some foreigner, married and divorced him, met my father, and decided to be a good mother this time.
everything she did out of "love" contributed to breaking me.
i never had a warm and loving despite her ambition to not become some unfeeling cold b like her own mother.
my grandma's love was easier to relate to for me. it made sense at least.
much more sense than all the ridiculous stuff my mother imposed on me.
i'm just sad tht my father did nothing at all to free me on my own terms, and instead only saw my mother in me.
i most definitely wanted to kill him for that a few times.
my whole youth and childhood, i've watched my mother break my younger siblings, and my step father give up instead of taking responsibility for at least his own kids.
i've given up tlking to my mother about it. she doesn't understand, and the only way i could talk is to tell her perfectly honestly how much she has hurt me. i'd seriously keep going until i break her if i were to start that.
so i won't.
i'm not letting my conflict with my mother ruin my daughter's relationship with her grandma.
my girl deserves better. i won't ever do like my mom and tell her all the bad details of the past that she doesn't need to know.
i'll even lie that i love my mother, just so she won't be hurt by someone else's problem.
My dad's nuts and both my parents were abused when they were younger. My dad saw me as a threat to him since I was the only one who would stand up to him. My mom is just plain f-ed in the head and doesn't understand what being a good parent is supposed to entail. My siblings joined in against me because they're weak and would rather I didn't rock the boat than stand up against an abuser.
Quote from: Taka on November 07, 2014, 02:01:10 PM
everything she did out of "love" contributed to breaking me.
Same with my mom.
Wow, I didn't expect this thread to go in this direction, and thank you to everyone who has felt able to share. For someone so verbose I'm at a complete lack of words, but I feel touched and grateful that we have a space that we're comfortable enough to share.
For my part I was neglected, it wasn't malicious or intended, but it doesn't matter in the end, the feeling of being cast off and abandoned still haunts me, like I'll never be good enough for anyone. It's taken me decades to even begin to start healing, to even acknowledge that I needed to heal even. For me it's hard to see where one thing ends and another starts, it all became a positive feedback loop of negativity, very thing feeding off everything else. I think Hest is trying to tell me that what I experienced was less of a hurt because others were hurt worse, but all that really matters is that we were hurt in the first place, by people who told us they loved us.
I may be a bit drunk, just got back from the pub... Cider is my kryptonite.
Thank you all for sharing, this thread has gone to a powerful place
Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 07, 2014, 05:56:46 PM
I think Hest is trying to tell me that what I experienced was less of a hurt because others were hurt worse, but all that really matters is that we were hurt in the first place, by people who told us they loved us.
Of course it doesn't matter. It's not a competition and people are too different for their to be any measure of which is worse anyway. What matters is that people are hurting and what we can do about that.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 07, 2014, 05:56:46 PMThank you all for sharing, this thread has gone to a powerful place.
*hugs* I'm glad.
Yes quite the thread. My dad alcoholic, me almost dead from it at twenty five, the family stalked by a predictor after my wife and daughters, I had to put two into a psyche ward's few weeks or three, or month. And I was bullied to the max for being looking full andro.
We are survivors and we are strong. We are trans.
Quote from: Edge on November 07, 2014, 06:26:19 PM
Of course it doesn't matter. It's not a competition and people are too different for their to be any measure of which is worse anyway. What matters is that people are hurting and what we can do about that.
Totally, the scary thing is how carry that little voice that tries to normalise everything and/or make it all your fault inside your head. But that voice struggles to have power in the light, especially when you have people standing with you who understand and accept without judging.
Quote from: Satinjoy on November 07, 2014, 07:40:43 PM
We are survivors and we are strong.
I think that often we're stronger than we know
strong?
no, if i were strong, i'd be able to forgive, and to give up my entire being for those who need me more than i do.
i'd be able to help so many, and even live to help.
but i am weak, too weak to dispel the darkness within.
some days, the darkness is all that keeps me going. or at least that's what it feels like.
i will never have the strength of a saint.
the weakness of a demon is something i know very well though.
Eh. For me, those messages that it's strong to forgive people are part of the problem. It adds to the voice that claims I am weak, that I deserved it, that they shouldn't be held accountable for their behaviour and choices, that it was ok and I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that I should let myself be hurt, etc. It was never ok and I will never forgive. They don't get to have power over me ever again.
But then, that's also a personality thing. Part of what I've struggled with is the fact that people are constantly trying to tell me that who I am is wrong and I should be someone else when the truth is I'm not, I don't want to be, and I shouldn't be. I am exactly who I am supposed to be and who I want to be.
Inability to forgive holds you in the grip of a strong emotional and very negative bondage. I have learned that it releases me to forgive, but then I don't have to be a sap and forget and allow something bad to happen again either. Best to forgive but not forget, there's a big difference.
I once did a favor for someone that cost me a lot of money and they swore to repay me but never did. I carried this smoldering hatred inside me for this person and thought of all the horrible things I could do to get even. Finally I just gave it up and released this person to a higher power than myself. Not long afterward he drove off a mountain cliff in a whiteout snow storm and was severely injured. I couldn't have done it better myself I thought as I felt a little twinge that this had befallen him, no doubt because of the negative Karma he had sown in his own life. Having forgiven him earlier released me from any sense of attached guilt or sadness over what had happened. His hospital bills far outweighed what he had owed me.
i've also lost a whole bit of money to someone, but i decided to follow the great advice that the bible, or jesus, gives.
i can forgive someone for having so little control over their own life that they can't ever get their finances right enough to pay me back.
took me a while, but i don't feel like i need to be angry about it. helping people is a form of charity, so i just gave a little more than i'd usually do.
it's a good feeling to not have this smoldering anger inside me whenever i think about a neighbor.
but then there are those who have done things so horrible that i seriously don't know where to find forgiveness within myself.
every time i'm reminded of them, and what they have done to people i love, this burning need to hold a black mass with them as the sacrifice, is awoken inside me.
it becomes a distraction. a weakness.
but i can't forgive.
it's a whole lot easier to fogive what someone has done to me.
but they hurt my loved ones too, people i wanted to protect.
they've touched something that did not belong to them.
that's more than enough reason for me to kill horribly.
i can barely find any strength to not do just that.
i admire those who have suffered greatly, but still find it within them to forgive.
forgiving is not the same as forgetting, or saying that it was your own fault or that the other person did nothing wrong.
forgiving is allowing love to be your driving force.
if only i could wish from the depth of my heart that those who harmed my loved ones would one day regret their sins and take their punishment for it.
but all i can manage to do, is long to see them burn in hell.
that is a hellish fire which burns me as well.
the ability to forgive is a strength. it's a source of life.
I don't forgive people, not really, but then dragons are not known for their forgiving nature. Breaking my trust is not really something I recover from, I don't always bare a grudge, but I rarely forgive and I do not forget. I don't really dwell on the past though, if someone hurts me I will just walk away from them, even my own family if needs be. I warp the world around me anyway, so usually end up crossing paths with those that I need in my life (even if they're not what I want at that point in time). I don't really plan for the future either, and rarely make promises, because I know I can't guarantee that I'll keep them.
I think that we're strong because we survive, and it's strength like the willow is strong, we bend in the gales that howl around us, unlike the oak, who will remain upright until the wind fells it.
would you like to try being a very typical scorpio?
i'm not a dragon, but one of the elven people around here.
that doesn't make me very nice, even if i look "good" on the outside.
is it a strength to not kill when i really really want to?
i'm not too sure about that.
Honestly I don't know, i just know that we survive, and that takes something, maybe not strength in the Grrrrrr! manly! Way it's become gendered, but rather deep roots that are not touched by the frost.
Forgiveness is in my heart to do, but healing is not so easy, and the words here are heartbreaking. Makes me feel like I drew the easy card, the cakewalk life, and here I am bitching about being emotional.
I feel like a fool, and wish at least the family of this forum brings some kind of solace to us.
God, the horror stories we have heard this year.
Humbling to the max.
i don't see being ts/gq as "drawing the easy card".
we all have something we struggle with, and we find different kinds of things difficult.
there's a japanese graphic novel which illustrates our differences really well, "pietà " by haruno nanae. i think you can only find it in english online.
it's a story about two women, one who got too little love and suffered because of that, and another who was smothered by her parents' love.
our needs are so different, that it's impossible to say that the same solution is right for all.
some have been sent to a boarding school when they were young.
i moved to another town when i was 15, for high school, and still wish my parents would have just let me be instead of calling me almost every day.
their concern and worries and everything only made me feel like a caged and wing clipped bird, even after moving out.
they missed me, while i never found it in me to do more than resent them for never giving me the freedom i needed.
i was treated under this odd double standard that parents often have for their kids.
i was supposed to grow up pure and clean, never having known a man, never even having desired one. i was never allowed to have fun with friends, particularly not on weekends. rules that my mother made because she grew up with parents who never restricted her actions, and of course she made all the mistakes a young woman can make.
but i wasn't even a real girl.
unfair world, huh...
Weirdly I dreamt about school last night, and I was leaving it, as me.
reminds me.. not too long ago, i dreamt that i showed someone around the grade school i went to.
seems that place has been very important to me, maybe because it's the only place where i could (fail to) socialize, many dreams have been placed there that have been of defining nature.
it was a good dream. i can't remember who it was that i brought there, but it was someone i care for.
I spent years not dreaming, or more accurately dreaming of darkness, with the occasional recurring dream thrown in for good measure. It was kind of weird having dreams again once I'd transitioned.