I"m not active member of the board. Some of you may know my story and for the rest I would rather not go into details. However, some info maybe TMI, but the subject is related to human sexuality and it cannot be omitted.
I'm not on HRT on any hormonal drugs.
I do not know what to do anymore. Where to post it or who to talk to? This forum is the closest place to my own experiences, yet I'm dealing with things that are too strange. Couple months ago I contacted therapist online. She tried to help, but it took her weeks to respond and at the end she bailed out. I think it was too much for her to handle. I believe that every other therapist would have similar response
I'm searching for answers and trying to understand things or make some sense out of it, because if I don't I will loose my mind. Daily functioning is extremely difficult, I know i have signs of depression. Sometimes , I would like my life to end or at least be able to forget my whole life. I go about my daily routine, but I find no pleasure in it. Sometimes, i forget about it for week or two and then it comes back.
I realize that what I'm about to write will sound totally crazy, but I have no choice and describe things as it happened. Have this things bottled up inside is not healthy. This relates to human sexuality and orgasm.
Male type response:
- localized arousal in penile area
- erection
- ejaculation
- short period
- need for sleep after the act
Female type response:
- internal spread arousal
- increased body heat
- feeling of being disconnected from your own body
- feeling of reaching highest point of arousal, sort of like roller coaster followed by decrease of tension
- pounding heart beat
- long, it can last minutes and be followed by another wave, even stronger one
- body stays charged and ready for another act (15-30 minutes), you do not feel sleepy
We have to remember that each individual experiences orgasm differently, but overall there are some similarities that divide males and females.
I'm really at loss over here. I can achieve both opposite responses. To be precise I can choose which I want. I can reach male type with some strong visual stimulation and physical activity or female type with my mind alone. There is third type that I would describe as in between. Just like male type with erection and minimal almost dry ejaculation, response is spread all over the body but is very short. It's exactly the same as the one triggered by mind, but much more condensed in time. Occasionally male type causes also tingling sensation in my nipples. In most cases female response is associated by erection, but no ejaculation. On one occasion there was no erection at all, yet all other symptoms were present. 3-4 times there were multiple responses divided by couple minutes of rest. These second responses were not triggered, but involuntary and usually much stronger.
Each female type response is different. It's intensity varies with level of arousal. What I noticed is that time plays important role. Longer periods of abstain causes female response to be much stronger, even with minimal arousal.
One more thing. In order to achieve that state I cannot be aware of my physical body and I have to approach it "as female"and imaginary stimulation has to be of female type. It means it would have to the type that makes woman aroused. It's a gradual build up of arousal, sort of like "climbing" that takes over lower section of my body, thighs, legs, chest, back and to the point when you stop feeling your own body and your mind is literally in some central point, disconnected. It can last couple seconds or more. During that time you have no control over anything. It feels like being wrapped in some cocoon. Truly incredible experience. Pounding heart bit comes at the end and it is scary because it feels like you will end up with heart attack. Once the process is started there is no way of stopping it. It's involuntary and it has to play out till the end.
I looked at this from different angles and have no clue how it's even possible? The mind boggling thing is that my body is capable of reacting to two different types of male and female stimulations and respond accordingly to it, externally or internally. Initially, after first, second and third time, I thought it was all accidental, but later I realized that I can repeat the whole thing with my own efforts and is fairly easy. The pattern is always the same, but what changes is intensity. Some days this happens almost instantly, on other days is little bit more difficult. There are days when it's not possible at all, even if I try it very hard. Similarly with male and third type, they do not remain constant and as a male you learn that there is not much variation in orgasm and they feel the same. Well, not for me anymore.
If you want to try it yourself, what you have to do is to be relaxed, the best time is when you go to bed. Lay down on your side, keep your thighs together. Take couple deep breaths and imagine that this air flows through your body. Think about something that would make you aroused. Instead of thinking about sexual organs or sexual act, imagine some situation or being with your partner and concentrate on these aspects that trigger some reaction. You may have an erection and that feeling of arousal may shifts inside you body. You may feel tingling in different parts of your body, thighs or arms and if you on the right path that feeling will grow stronger. It should take couple seconds, maybe 3-5 minutes. If nothing happens during that short time, then there is no point of continuing longer. Try again on another day.
I would like to know if anybody can replicate this experience? Anybody, male, female, cis, trans...
Let's assume for a second that this internal involuntary response is also a male type and every other male is capable of reaching it. Maybe other males are capable but never tried it because the idea of approaching sex act "as a female" is so repulsive to them it never crossed their minds?
And how come it's impossible to find any description of it, even the ones that happened accidentally?
Maybe human beings are hardwired for both types of responses, but the way we think about our sexual roles and stimulation sets boundaries that we dare to cross?
Maybe there are other important factors?
The most frustrating thing is that I can't talk to anyone about it. Seeing therapist seems futile. Seeing other types of doctors seems like total waste of time. I tried and it was horrible experience. And even if they would find some biological causes, I feel like I'm not ready for making any decisions, to tell the truth I do not have a strong sense of gender identity, it changes constantly and most of the time I'm somewhere in between. It would drive me mad talking to a therapist that simply does not believe my words. Plus all these doctors and therapists fall in some sort of routine when dealing with a patients.
There are all sort of advice for people in LGBT community like try to understand who you are etc But really, how do you reconcile my experiences and move forward? How am I supposed to do that? I already accepted that I am a major freak of nature and sometimes I tell myself that I'm just different human being.
The fact that I can't reconcile it is holding me back. What kind of man am I? I really doubt that biologically I am only a male.
I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting this. Please help if you can. I know it's something you never dealt with or you never experience.
Hi xterra,
Let me first start by saying you're not a freak of nature. The way I see it, you're very in tune to your body and from what you're describing. It sounds like you may be more gender fluid, i.e., going from male to female. I'm no psychologist, Nor am I a doctor. It's just my observation. I'll be interested in seeing what others have to say about this, but that's my humble opinion, take it for what it's worth, I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always look upon you and guide you on your path.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann
People often forget that the brain is the largest sex organ. I'm sorry that it is distressing for you. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but being able to have different types of orgasms sounds awesome to me.
From what I understand, male and female orgasms affect the brain similarly, but women have an additional area activated called the periaqueductal gray. What it sounds like is that you're able to activate that area, or not, depending on how you play it.
I don't think you're abnormal or a freak at all. I'm actually kind of envious of you. I would bet that there are a bunch of men out there that can have female typical orgasms and vice versa. I imagine we could train our brains to do it as well, but it might be very difficult. It might be kind of like how some people can roll their Rs when speaking spanish and some cannot, and some, after practicing for a long time, can learn. I'm told that the ability to do so is genetic.
Gender roles might cause some people who could have the other orgasm pattern not to do it, you're right. Most people follow the hetero-normative and cis-normative sex scrip in bed, so yeah.
As an afterthought, envisioning air going through the body (like you mentioned) is a therapeutic technique to release endorphins, which are used to make dopamine. Don't do it while operating machinery or driving! The brain during orgasm is supposed to be quite similar to when someone takes heroin, which targets the dopamine receptors. So that is just my speculation based on my extremely limited understanding. It sounds like you have a good innate understanding of your body and how to influence your own neurochemistry.
what you're talking about isn't what i experience as a female sex experience.
most females need physical stimulation in order to get anywhere at all.
but what you do sounds a whole lot like tantric sex.
try finding a sexologist or whatever, with knowledge of this.
or maybe even a guru.
you've just gotten closer to (sexual) enlightenment than what most people ever manage.
which is why most therapists would probably shy away.
they're not gurus.
treasure the experience, it's probably the closest you'll get to nirvana.
Thank you for your support and your responses. I needed time to gather my thoughts. I wish it was that simple as tantric sex. I read about it and I 'm sure there might be some similarities but to tell the truth what happens to me doesn't require meditation and 2-4 deep breaths is hardly any mental exercise. It's not even about orgasm. Duality of arousal is a key to this puzzle. If it was only mental issue, i would dealt with it somehow, but there is connection to physical side. So basically, you have arousal that can manifest itself in two different ways. Role "A" has specific set of symptoms, and role "B" has different set. The first time it happened arousal shifted from outside to inside my body. All i had to do is to assume different gender identity and it happened instantaneously. Maybe assume is not the right word, you have to let male or female identity to come forward.
It's hard to explain certain things. After i wrote this post I realized that filtering information is incorrect. You cannot see bigger picture and that can lead to various conclusions. Plus when we are faced with unusual things we tend rationalize them with tools that are familiar to us. So do the doctors, sexuologists, therapists etc . If I go to see somebody, some specialist and I would tell everything the way it happened, I 'm afraid they will forcefully lock me up in a mental hospital. And if they run some standard test that will show nothing, I would have somehow treat this whole thing as madness Btw, I have seen two doctors already, one recommended seeing psychiatrist, the other wanted to give me viagra. To the first doctor I said "everything", to the second one I filtered information even more focusing on physical part. And yes standard hormonal test was within range. This is impossible task to get some answers. And so far I learned that finding some mental balance is possible when I disassociate myself from my body, mentally I am disconnected from my physical part.
Believe me, I don't feel comfortable writing about this, but
probably I should verbalize my thoughts and describe all the things, my life and things that happened. Keeping them private is not a good idea either. There has to be a reason for all of these. So far all I can do is to observe things and try to make some sense out of it