Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone,
It's been a while. I used to be really active on this site some months back, but I left and threw away the account information when I did. I was questioning my identity and I ended up believing I wasn't trans*. Once I thought that, I felt like I was wasting everyone's time by being active in trans groups online and irl, and quit coming.

I find myself drawn back, because I'm still confused about my identity and it's starting to eat me up. I still don't believe I'm trans, but rather a gender-nonconforming woman. Yet I feel safer in the trans community than in other places, because my situation is so abnormal and frowned upon in larger society.

I identify as female, enjoy having a female form (for the most part) and am more feminine/neutral than anything.
But I admire the muscular form men have and their deeper voices, and envy those qualities. I really want them sometimes, and at one point I seriously considered going on T to have them. I decided against it since my feelings were evanescent and I have health problems, making the risk of regret or health hazards high. Transition was and still is unreasonable.

I experimented and lived socially as a man part time to sort out if I would like living as a man amongst people. This only made it more obvious that I identified as female, and that feminine mannerisms were more natural to me most of the time. So this made me think being trans isn't the case for me, since I didn't identify with any other gender than the one assigned at birth around people or not. But none of this changed the fact that every so often when I see men, I wish looked, acted, and sounded more like them.

So then I started considering myself a Bem (butch/femme) woman. Because if I didn't identify as male, but wanted to be more masculine in body, then that must mean I had a masculine aspect to who I was, making me part butch. But when my feelings come up, I want to look specifically male. So then I thought I might be gender fluid. But I don't actually identify as male at any point, so I can't be gender fluid because gender fluid people have fluid identities, not just how they wanna look (as far as I can tell anyway..)

So today I tried thinking it over and just broke down and cried thinking "I'm just a freak."

And I felt I needed to be around other people who might understand what I'm going through. The trans community is the only place where I might be able to find such people. So, if you could just bear with me I'm kind of a mess mentally right now. I'm starting to feel emotionally numb all the time. I want to change my name legally and my appearance so I can feel more satisfied with myself, but my feelings are so all over the place that I cant make any decisions. I can't be happy like this. Sometimes I just want to give up and it gets so out of control I have suicidal fantasies (Not that I'd actually commit suicide or self harm but its a relief to think that the pain and confusion can end is all).

I just hate myself. Most people in the community seem to have themselves so figured out. The gender therapist I talked to in our first, and only, meeting that I obviously wasn't trans. I felt so stupid and shut down. I've only met a small handful of people who can kind of understand where Im coming from as a cis woman with these kind of feelings. But they arent as miserable or unsure of themselves as I am. I'm really scared that my feelings are just internalized misogyny, but I dont hate being a female....but what the heck else would make a cis woman want to be more like a man?


Anyway! That's enough of that. Sorry, had to vent. I will see you all on the boards, and will try to be more positive.

Greetings Anonbear and welcome back to Susan's.  Nothing says you can't fit into life as a non binary type person.

Anyway, here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

Thankyou Kat. I'll look through the rules again and make sure I'm up to date.
And You're right, being non-binary is a possibility. I hope I can make peace with whatever I am.

AnonBear

Welcome back to Susan's family.

I think you really need to find a gender therapist to help you sort all your feelings out.

I was getting list in your texts.

It's all ok, take it a day at a time.

I think the whole secret to pursuit of happiness is being at peace with yourself. I hope you can find that also.

Quote from: mrs izzy on November 08, 2014, 08:56:02 PM
AnonBear

Welcome back to Susan's family.

I think you really need to find a gender therapist to help you sort all your feelings out.

I was getting list in your texts.

It's all ok, take it a day at a time.

Thankyou Izzy. Sorry my first post is kind of a mess. Im so confused about this issue it's hard to keep my thoughts coherent when I write em down.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 08, 2014, 09:02:16 PM
I think the whole secret to pursuit of happiness is being at peace with yourself. I hope you can find that also.

Ty

Welcome back! I'm in the middle, floating between gender. It's nice just being yourself, it really is. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi AnonBear and welcome to Susan's. It took me a year or so to find where I was comfortable. It takes time but you'll find it.


;)

Hey :)

Welcome back! I'm new here, but everyone here seems so nice!

I'm glad you're figuring yourself out :)

Thankya Josh, it's nice to be back after a spell. And uh... well, hopefully I'll figure myself out lol! We'll just have to see what happens.

Quote from: AnonBear on November 11, 2014, 11:58:52 PM
Thankya Josh, it's nice to be back after a spell. And uh... well, hopefully I'll figure myself out lol! We'll just have to see what happens.

I'm right there with ya, man. Seein' what happens :p