I have once again took a step back and just looked at my life, ended up actually questioning a lot of things about myself and revisiting the things that sent me on this weird journey type thing to find my gender identity.
One of the major things I was questioning about myself, was if I could truly transition, and be happy 5 years from now. I had to say no to that, I don't think I could transition and end up happy with myself after that. Not exactly sure why, but I just can't. I also was questioning why I say I can see myself transitioning and living as a full time female, but when I day dream about myself, I see a more feminine man. Not because I don't believe that the surgery changes my gender, but because I guess deep down I have always just felt that I am indeed meant to live my life as a male.
Now, the reasons I felt that I was born in the wrong body. I can't really comment past last year since I really don't remember the early feelings well enough. But, last year I got into a youth group, where I meant an amazing girl whom opened my eyes about the LGBT community(I was slightly homophobic at the time), which sent me on a weird back and forth thing for the remaining time I spent in the youth group. I guess, at the time, I felt I was bisexual because in my limited knowledge at the time, gay men seemed to hang out with women more, and I was wanting to hang out with women more than men.
I ended up going on a two day trip to a Christian youth concert thing. This is where I felt my first major feelings of being trapped in the wrong body, when I realized that males, and females, are in fact different in some way. I guess because of the fact that the two genders were mostly separated those two days(different workshops, had to be in different cars, etc). But yeah, first time I felt strongly that I was around the wrong gender.
Other reasons that brought me to the feeling I am transsexual, are small things like I realized that guys are expected to act different than girls, but I expressed myself more like a girl than a guy. I think that realization has led me to have horrible self confidence the last year or so since I get called out on things a lot(my long hair, people noticing that I wear necklaces, the way I talk, the way I move my arms when I talk, etc).
Now, after at least a year of hating myself(lost count of time), I think I have decided what I am going to refer to myself as. I am not going to continue calling myself transsexual, since that feels wrong to me, and like I said, I can't see myself transitioning and being happy, though this has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues in society.
So I think I am just going to refer to myself as gender non-conforming for now, and just continue to push the extremes of how far I can look/act like a female without actually transitioning past the gender neutral point. Now, I finally feel happy for the first time in ages, and am going to start working on my self confidence more I guess, finally sort of stood up to my brother today, by just not instantly retreating into my room when he was being a jerk to me.
Also, just going back to the feeling of being bisexual, I am probably going to personally just identify as pansexual, since I noticed I am indeed attracted to ALL genders, just not sexually I guess(the idea of genitals still completely disgusts me). I just came to that realization recently when I realized I was in fact, attracted to one of the guys at the youth group.. too bad he was homophobic :)