So I came out to my wife of 20 years yesterday...I can't say it went too well :'( I probably got it all wrong, said the wrong things, but I did try my best. I feel absolutely horrible, the worst human being ever. And the panic set in pretty quickly...'What have I done!'....'What if I'm wrong?'...I have to find a way to take it all back! Of course I can't, I know that. I KNOW I'm trans, I KNOW the decades spent trying to deny it have damaged me so badly. But I don't KNOW if transitioning will be better.....so panic time, lol.
She wants us to separate for a while and shockingly, my mother in law has offered me a place to stay. Didn't see that one coming! In fact her response when my wife told her was 'so what'!
So now I'm all scared and full of doubt, scared of being alone, scared of starting over, scared of everything it seems. And everything just looks so terrible right now. It's so shocking how fast everything can come tumbling down, a life built up over decades destroyed in minutes.
Sorry for the bleak post, it's just how I feel right now and I guess I'm hoping for some 'things will get better' kind of replies. Or at least one saying 'Noooo, you're not an evil, selfish creature', lol.
I'm so sorry to hear that! I came out to my wife about 2 months ago and we have separated for a while about two weeks ago so I know exactly where you're at, it will get easier so I'm told, some days I don't think so though, other days I'm glad that this happened so hang in there. I was with my wife for 14 years! you have to understand that it's taking you this long to figure this out and she just found out so give her time she may learn to understand it she may not but either way you have to be true to yourself, because you only live once and life is too short to go through it being unhappy! there are a lot of great people here and without this place things would have been a lot harder on me so just take it one day at a time and if you haven't started seeing a counselor yet I suggest getting in to see one as soon as you can! hang in there and things will get better!!!!! :)
Just being I been there.
Keep one person health and happiness at the center of your life safe.
Guess you know who I am talking about.
The rest will work out if it's supposed to.
Hugs
:) thank you for your replies and support. I think I just needed a bit of a hug, lol. I hope you're right about it getting better, it needs to! One day at a time I guess :)
Chrissy, Hugs
Your wife has just received a shock. Reinforce you love her, remain calm and steadfast in your decision. Do not bargain.
You are not horrible, you were honest about who you are. You are the same person but her perception of you has changed.
Your Mother in Law is fantastic and enjoy the visit.
I came out to my wife of 20 years 18 months ago or so. We are still married.
Thank you again for the replies, I was a little too tired and emotional last night to really take them in. I am holding onto what you've said Angie 'you only live once and life is too short to go through it being unhappy'. I do hope things are bearable for you babe:) I would love to keep in touch as you do seem to be in a similar place to me right now.
And Cynthia, I'm so happy you kept your marriage, I so hope it goes from strength to strength for you:)
As for me, well I do feel a little stronger about things today. I had to not exactly 'fight back' but stand up for myself a little this morning though. I can take the emotional battering I'm getting, almost, lol. But I'm becoming less willing to take complete blame for something I see as a birth defect or for deciding it was wrong to live a lie. IDK. I can see that separating is the best thing right now, talking is not helping.
Hi Chrissy, I'm sorry you're going through this.
In an way I think there is no "right thing" you could have said. Ultimately, there is no sugarcoating the truth, even if it hurts.
I came out to my husband (together for 14 years) about two months ago. It was rough, although his reaction wasn't bad per se. I had the exact same thoughts afterwards as you describe. Fortunately, this effect has worn off a little. Unfortunately, my husband is pretty much in denial, which has made for many more painful conversations in the meantime (it's like coming out to him all over again).
We go to counseling together, and even though I'm not sure how helpful this will turn out to be, at least he breaks his silence on the topic during these sessions.
It's awesome your mother in law is keeping her head -- hopefully, her acceptance can make thin things a bit easier for your wife as well.
:hugs:
"Coming out" and transitioning (the usual result from co) both mean BIG changes for both you and your spouse.
Sometimes they come around, sometimes (mostly?) they don't. (My ex and I separated, then divorced on friendly terms once I got on hormones). Give her some time, gently encourage her...but don't accept abuse or blame.
Transitioning isn't being selfish, it's about being yourself.
*hugs*
coming out ended my longest relationship to date. There's a quote that keeps coming back to me (good grief, from TFIOS don't judge) that I think applies. Changed up/paraphrased rather brutally but..
"I'm [going through this] and [he/she] can't handle it?!"
"No, [he/she] can't. Neither can you. But [he/she] doesn't have to. And you do."
It's harsh, but I can't help but feel like I see the success story over and over, the supportive other half who loves you for you, who maybe even instinctively knew before you did... and those people are incredibly fortunate. From the detached logical place I'm so good at visiting, it almost makes more sense when, like what happened to me, they can't handle it, bottle out and leave. It's such a big thing and I know I downplayed how much it was starting to creep into my life for a year or more just to try to hang on to the relationship but as soon as I admitted this was Happening and I'd signed myself up for psych therapy, he was gone.
Sounds like you have a pretty kickass MIL though (and fwiw I suspect his mum would probably be more understanding of it than he was in my case too!) - all I can suggest is keep your wife updated with as much information as *she asks for* and just tread lightly. She's probably just as freaked out by the news as you are - as long as it took you to work out how to tell her is probably reasonable time to expect her to take to get used to the idea too.
I wish you the best of luck, and patience, in reforging that bond.
Thanks Pucks, it is hard to see the success stories while watching my own fall apart.
As an update, things are horrible. I could never have imagined how horrible it could be, stupid me.
Every time I open my mouth it gets worse, so I've stopped opening it. After another particularly brutal conversation I realized I needed to shut up, so I wrote this for my wife:
I had to write this as it seems whenever I open my mouth it all goes wrong, that whatever I meant to say, to convey, gets all confused and slips away from me.
You said you're pining for your husband and I understand that but it also confuses me. I don't understand if it's a 'husband' you're missing or the person, the human being. Because husband is a just a word, just like wife, partner and yes, transgender. Just titles, labels.
That human being who shared all those moments with you, that person who complains they've eaten too much while reaching for the last slice of pizza, is still here, right here. And it hurts so much that you can't see me anymore. I want to scream 'look at me! See me!' But I can't because I know I have to give you time.
Maybe I can't really lay claim to the title 'husband' anymore, but I'm more than a label and I hope that one day you can put aside the labels and see me again. See that I love you, see that I'm getting things wrong through my own pain and confusion, see that I'm just a human being trying to do what I feel is right.
I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that it will never be as bright as it should be without you by my side.
I won't try and talk about this with you anymore, I'll just wait till you're ready, if ever, to talk. I'll be waiting, for as long as it takes.
Me.
Of course I haven't given it to her, because that would probably be wrong too, all I seem capable of right.now is getting things wrong.
I'm in a very deep, dark place right now and if it wasn't for my children keeping me tied to this earth I'm not sure what I would do. I feel like such a disgusting human being right now that I really just don't want to be here anymore. Can't see any way through this.
I'm not so much taking a day at a time, but an hour at a time.
On a happier note, one I'm clinging to, I came out to my two older children last night, 17 and 16 yrs old. Bless them, they were so supportive. My son said 'Don't worry dad, I don't think less of you, I think more' I bit my lip sooooo hard to stop from crying.
Angie, I did try to IM you but I don't seem to have that option available.
Chrissy,
your letter conveys so much I wish my husband would understand :(. I think it's a great letter and it resonates with me, but you're right -- there is no telling how your wife would take it.
I'm happy for you that your children are supportive! That is wonderful!
I think the PM function will unlock after 15 or so posts -- nearly there :).
Hang on in there, OK? We are here for you and there is a way out of the dark place, even if you don't see it yet.
:hugs:
Thank you Adrian :) I'm glad that my letter resonates with you..not sure it will with my wife, sighs. And...ummmm...I gave it to her already, see? probably wrong again, lol. She hasn't read it yet though so I'm not sure.
Well I had a lovely bubble bath and lay there thinking, weird how my mind flits around so much, lol. I started to think..well ok, you broke everything but...that means there is absolutely nothing to stop you now is there? My old life is pretty much over, time for a new one!
And another strange thought hit me..I have a lot of those :D I was running through some names, Chrissy is too close to my male name to keep, and I suddenly realised..I know WHAT I am but I have no idea WHO I am. How strange is that? I mean I don't even know my name!! laughs
;D I'm still working on my name too. It'll come to you :)
I have a hard time understanding why my husband thinks he can only love me as his wife, not his partner. He says he loves me just the way I am, and if I change, he doesn't know if he still can. It's hard for me to accept, because I love him in a different way. I love the person, I don't love his gender. It did play a role in initial attraction, but to me it's not what defines the relationship anymore. The counselor we're seeing said that people differ in this respect. And it doesn't mean that he loves me less, but he loves me differently. But yeah, I have a hard time coming to terms with that.
But what I really wanted to say: all is not lost yet :) Give your wife more time. I'm still learning how long "more time" can be/feel. It's been a few months for my husband, but apparently it's not been long enough yet. I'm not holding my breath, but maybe I'll have a hot bath :D.
i am so sorry you are going through this difficulty sis, but have faith in yourself and that things will go well in the end.
In my experience it´s always darkest just before dawn.
You deserve good things, you are a good person, i can state this because you proved it to me,
a bad selfish person would not have greeted me and welcomed as you did after just arriving yourself,
that makes you a generous and thoughtful person in my book.
i loved your letter.
Give yourself and your wife some time, but i agree with Cynthia, do not bargain.
i came out to my wife in stages, but when i told her that i am a girl inside of course it was a huge shock to her
and it was difficult for her to adjust to some things, like our intimacy, she felt like she was married to a lesbian.
Love was the key of course, but it took time. Now my wife does not want to see any macho silliness from me,
it irritates her and she goes Hey linda remember who you are and then we both laugh.
Thinking of you
linda
Quote from: ChrissyChips on November 13, 2014, 06:51:09 PM
So I came out to my wife of 20 years yesterday...I can't say it went too well :'( I probably got it all wrong, said the wrong things, but I did try my best. I feel absolutely horrible, the worst human being ever. And the panic set in pretty quickly...'What have I done!'....'What if I'm wrong?'...I have to find a way to take it all back! Of course I can't, I know that. I KNOW I'm trans, I KNOW the decades spent trying to deny it have damaged me so badly. But I don't KNOW if transitioning will be better.....so panic time, lol.
She wants us to separate for a while and shockingly, my mother in law has offered me a place to stay. Didn't see that one coming! In fact her response when my wife told her was 'so what'!
So now I'm all scared and full of doubt, scared of being alone, scared of starting over, scared of everything it seems. And everything just looks so terrible right now. It's so shocking how fast everything can come tumbling down, a life built up over decades destroyed in minutes.
Sorry for the bleak post, it's just how I feel right now and I guess I'm hoping for some 'things will get better' kind of replies. Or at least one saying 'Noooo, you're not an evil, selfish creature', lol.
:(
*hugs*
hun, I am sure nothing you said or did was wrong. It was actually her reaction that was wrong. She responded poorly to you when you were just being genuine to her. that is not your fault.
Remember that initial reactions aren't always a good indication of what is going to happen in the long run.
her mom being supportive of you is actually a huge point in your favor. She could possibly talk some sense into your wife.
Just hang in there! You were brave in coming out to her. Continue to be brave and do what is best for you.
Good luck I really hope things work out for your relationship.
Ohhh Adrian, it's been months for you??? Wow, only a few days for me and I'm in bits! Sending you a HUGE hug :) We saw a counsellor once a long time ago for other issues, she was awful. She suggested my wife should leave me because she's probably a lesbian..gotta giggle at that one I guess, lol.
Amber, thank you for your kind words and support :) hugs
And ty Linda. I'm so glad to hear that your relationship is working out so well :) I can only imagine how good that is, to have that level of support through something like this, big hugs to you and your wife :)
My first GP appointment on Monday! yay! Gonna get that referral! :)
edit: wow, I went a bits nuts with the smileys there......:)
I hope you can work things out with your wife.
Sadly, but understandably I guess, hetro people have a very specific sexual orientation, they get into a relationship based on a male/female dynamic because that's how they're wired. To be told that their SO wants to physically become the opposite of what they're attracted to can be extremely confronting no matter how much they love that person. It makes them question themselves in ways that are extremely uncomfortable. Often they are looking to pin the blame on someone and usually it is the trans partner for "lying" to them in the first place. It takes a very special person, usually one where their love for their partner is greater than their sexual orientation (or they have a flexible orientation) for relationships to continue working.
TY Grace but unfortunately it doesn't look good. I got a reply to the letter I gave her, she lists all the physical aspects of a husband that were important to her and ends with saying she will never see, hug or kiss her husband again. She's gone out for a while now and I'm sat here crying my eyes out.
I can see that I'm pretty much dead to her now and I can't help but accept the blame for that. I know people here will say 'no, not your fault', 'you're doing what's right' etc. But those words don't help, they don't stop the pure guilt I feel, the absolute horror and self loathing I feel for causing the person I love most in the world to feel like this. Or perhaps I don't love her? I mean you don't do this for someone you love do you? Aren't you supposed to lay your life down for the one you love? Well I haven't, I've ruined hers to make mine better. Are there really any words that can make that seem any less selfish than it is?
I really am sorry for sounding so negative, I'm really not a negative person, I think. But I'm sure those of you who have been where I am can see I'm at rock bottom right now.
Try not to beat yourself up too much. I don't think there is any "Right Way", nor any "Good Way", and especially never any "Good Time" to drop the T-Bomb on a spouse. Especially if there is a lot of history between you two. Beyond the feelings of disbelief, you have betrayal, and then the spouse blaming themselves for never having read the tea leaves.
It takes time to get over the initial shock and reptilian feelings that initially gush forth. Your mother in law certainly recognized that and how it all fits with her daughters personality. You two need time. If there is one thing that has helped my wife and I ride this out has been having those difficult open and honest conversations, made all the more difficult trying to avoid TMI. And that applies to both sides as plenty of raw emotions will come out. She is scared, you are scared. Fear fed by adrenalin leads to some behavior at times.
Smiles, I'm trying Joanne, I really am. Early days. Days that make me understand how a lot of people don't make it.
Hi Chrissy,
What you did was very difficult and honest. You deserve to be yourself and gender is not something someone should have to hide.
She is in shock and sometimes what people say in shock or when they are hurt or angry is not how they feel later. My wife and I had a really rocky year then things seamed to get better. I heard all the same things about touching, kissing and sex. I am definitely the more needy of touching and cuddling and it took a while but we can do all those things again. My wife will not touch my breasts which is hurtful but I have hope in time that will change.
Every situation is different and I hope your marriage can be saved.
Hello dear,
I completely understand what your going thru as I have been there with my wife on more than one occasion. I came out, or was outed by her finding my girlie things some 8 years ago. We've went several rounds sparing back and and forth over the years. I accepted myself as trans about 6 years ago thru extensive counseling sessions, it was such a "out body experience" seeing the light and knowing the direction I needed to go. Unfortunately, progress has been slow due to kids who are only 13 & 11 as of right now, I've been trying to save my marriage and be there for my kids in lieu of transitioning. I don't know if that was the right decision, but it's the decision I settled with some time ago. The dysphoria of gender identity only gets worse with time and has placed a severe wedge in our relationship, to the point of constant fighting and my kids hate their "dad"/female to be. A lot of it has to do with my wife placing the kids in the middle of everything and not having a mouth filter when their around, so they hear things that inappropriate for their age or understanding.
Anyways, my point being, like others have said as well, it's good that you came out and said it how it is (I wish I had been that strong years ago). You need to stay firm and constant in your message and not give in to her cries and demands for you to not change. What's said is said and if you do turn back, it will only get worse. Maybe your wife will come around, maybe not, but at least you may have a chance of maintaining a friendship if it does end, lord knows mine has gone beyond salvageable - to my own fault for not being ore honest with myself in the beginning and thinking I could have the best of both worlds - very rarely happens that we get our cake and get to eat it too.
I wish you all the best, keep your head held high and stay strong. It's not easy, and may even get harder before it turns a corner and starts to get better. We are all here for you.
Hugs, Jenni from Minnesota!
Ty Cynthia, I'm so glad things have improved for you and that you have a base for things to get even better :)
Jenni, hugs babe, it is so difficult isn't it? especially with kids. My two older ones are amazing (16 and 17) but we haven't told our 10yr old anything yet. What seems the hardest to get across is the fact that it isn't some kind of lifestyle choice, I mean would anyone really choose this????? It's good to try and do the best for everyone, it shows you care, that you're not the selfish creature some people seem to think we are when we transition with families.
I wish you all the best babe and please feel free to IM me any time you want or need a chat, I may not be much help...but I'm a trier, lol
I hope it's ok for me to keep this post updated here, it helps me and I hope that one day it might help others going through this to see a sort of blow by blow account of a less than ideal coming out.
So last night was really rough, I came as close to suicide as I have ever in my life, I think if I owned a gun I may have used it. But the thought of my children keeps me here thankfully. What got to me, besides this horrible breakup, is the realization that now I have accepted myself I cannot continue living as I am, that way leads to a bad end. But also I look at my alternative future and just see myself living alone in a grim bedsit, when I find one, spending the rest of my life as this shaved ape in a dress, the object of ridicule and abuse. I can't see that having a good end either.
I'm intimately familiar with depression and suicidal thoughts though, so I know enough to hold tight and wait for it to pass. My thoughts of the future are the same this morning but I'm handling it better.
Had another conversation with my wife this morning as well, at least we are both a bit calmer now and although I can't make her believe me, I did manage to explain that I really haven't been lying all these years, that I really didn't know the whole truth about myself until I accepted it myself.
There is a difference between thinking 'I wish I'd been born female' and 'I AM female'. I don't care about her opinion of me changing, I just want her to feel better. I don't deserve her hate but I can accept it.
Anyway, off to the mother in laws tomorrow, with no internet!!!!!!!, so no update for a few days. Hugs to everyone and thank you so much for all your support so far :)
Hugs Chrissy,
For me a therapist made the difference helping me to process what I was feeling. My defenses were overwhelmed and I was in severe mental anguish and pain. Therapy helps me to be healthy.
Your transition and you can express any way you want. There is no script or time table. I push the limits slowly so I do not go over a cliff. Every victory is cherished and in time the change is noticeable but I feel good about it.
One day at a time, be yourself at your speed and get help to process your feelings.
For decades I tried pretending I was just a CD. For decades I had put behind me my two failed/aborted experiments with transition. For decades my soul slowly rotted away. For decades I had no hopes, wishes, or dreams, bar one given up on long long ago.
For day, weeks, months I agonized over dropping the T-Bomb on my wife. For days, weeks, months I often cried myself to sleep (and got flak from a soggy Teddie Bear the next morning).
For many of the past six years and even some today, I have to remind myself; "I Know What Does Not Work". For decades I tried things one way. It not only did not work, it slowly changed me into a lifeless, soulless being. A machine just going through the motions of surviving simply because "That is what you are supposed to do"
Transition simply means a change. You know you need to change some aspects of how you were running your life, the biggest being denying this one giant aspect of what makes you, you. Perhaps, like me, also change a few aspects of what became you as a result of that denial. There are many things that make me, me. Many things that excite me, that I find joy in. Even actually learning what feeling passionate is. I cannot deny those aspects either. Never could and doubt I ever can. I am learning how to be one whole healthy and happy package and not a highly compartmentalized one out of necessity.
To maintain... hell even find a balance requires compromises. Constantly trying to recenter the scale as the other side of the fulcrum is also constantly shifting. It is just how life is, always changing. What works today may not tomorrow. I found ways to balance myself, to survive living on this knife edge keeping what is important in my life. As I am growing as a person my wife is no longer seeing me through glasses colored by the person I was before. Sure, she is not living the life she has dreamed of. She is also not living the nightmare she was. (Amazing what all comes out with coming out :o ) Yet, who really does live a life they dreamed about?