Hi, I'm Jessica. You all can call me Jess.
Right now, I'm in a very, very dark place. I came here for support. I apologize now, for the upcoming depressing post. Every other forum I have ever joined, I had a super upbeat introductory post that would draw in so much attention. Sorry for not letting you guys and girls and everything in between experience my super happy intro post.
At the moment, I am slightly shaking, because I am so horribly depressed. My mind feels strange. It feels like it's a burden full of unhappy thoughts. Truth is, that's exactly correct. I'll do my best to introduce myself before diving into why I decided to join this forum. So, here's my story.
I'm 18 years old. I turned 18 less than a month ago. I'm in my Senior year, finishing Catholic high school. I'm biologically male. Mentally.. Female, all the way. My birth name is Daniel. I realized something was unusual about me in fourth grade. A close girl friend would pretend to put her chapstick on me, pretending it was lipstick, which I would run away from. I never wanted to be anything like a girl.. Until further into the year, when I pretended to be scared of the chapstick. I figured, if I pretended to be scared, she would continue to taunt me with it, which I enjoyed. I found that I really wanted her to put lipstick on me. Even further into the year, she started teasing me with the idea of giving me a makeover. At this point, in my head, I was begging that it would happen. I showed her that I was afraid and didn't want it, though. Reverse psychology, I guess. By the end of the year, I couldn't hold it anymore, and I begged her to give me a makeover. She never did. I begged her to do it throughout fifth grade. No luck. Sixth through eighth grade, I just gave up trying. I held in all of my thoughts and feelings. I never expressed myself at all. In eighth grade, the realization that I was transgender dawned on me. I thought, "Okay, no big deal. I'll just become a girl in a few years. Easy!" Obviously, it is never that easy.
I should mention that I was a very, very social butterfly all the way up until fourth grade, where I gradually became shyer as the years went on. Fourth grade was also the year when I became interested in makeovers.. Coincidence..?
The summer between eighth grade and graduation was horrible. I planned suicide. I never expected to make it into high school. I was so afraid.. I didn't want to meet new people. I was afraid of being bullied. I didn't want my life to continue. One night, in August, I was texting my friends goodbye. One told her mother, who then called my house, telling my parents that I was getting ready to kill myself. Was I actually going to do it? I don't know. I doubt I would have succeeded, with the method I was planning to use. I was an idiot.. I always laughed at how stupid I was, planning to kill myself. But as these feelings of hopelessness and depression cloud over me now.. It's not funny anymore. It's an easy way out. The only issue is.. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. Right? That's what I keep hearing.. That's what I keep telling myself.. Not many things are holding me together anymore. I am basically crawling on my last legs here, begging for support. Begging for some way to feel like I have hope. Begging for some way to have the confidence to be who I want to be, and not hold myself in. Please, there's got to be some way to stop holding my feelings in. I can't keep suppressing myself anymore. It worked throughout the years, but the side effects are coming into view now.
This week, on Monday, I talked to a girl who I never talked to before in my class at school. This whole conversation was through texting. She thought it was so cool that I was trans, and wanted to have me over for a sleepover with her and her friends, who just so happen to be the most popular and attractive girls in my class. I was so hype for this. I told her I was very interested in the sleepover. Today, I asked her if she had any news on it, and she said she doubts it will ever happen, since everyone is so busy. My happiness.. My excitement.. All down the drain. I thought that for once, I could release myself and BE myself. I was so happy this whole week.. But tonight.. I feel horrible. I got my hopes up for nothing.. It's all my fault. I'm stupid for thinking that I'd be happy for once. I'm stupid. That's what I am.. I'm stupid for holding my true self, my Jessica, in for so long. I'm stupid for not doing the obvious thing and being who I want to be! I was accepted into my first choice college and received a hefty scholarship along with. Most people would be excited, right? I'm not. I couldn't care less. I don't even care about school anymore. The past three years, I've been an honor student with no grade ever below 85 out of 100. Most grades were in the 90s. Now, I have three out of six classes in the 70s, two in the mid 80s, and one in the 90s. I just don't have the motivation to try anymore. I don't care anymore. I feel horrible in school.
I feel horrible in public. I feel horrible at home. I feel horrible lying to people on the internet, claiming that I'm an 18 year old girl when I'm really an 18 year old guy. I hate myself!
I don't really feel like writing anymore.. This post is already far too long, and it probably is a waste of time.. Sorry everyone. Maybe I'll see you all around on these forums.. Maybe not.. I don't really know. I've left out so many details.. But I just don't have the motivation to write anymore. I don't really have motivation to do anything at all. I'm not even going to proofread my post. Sorry in advance for grammatical errors or confusing statements.
My heart goes to you my dear Jess.
We all experience in someway or another similar kind of let down and heartbreaks...
My adduce is to secure your finical future by getting and education or a trade.. then transitioning etc would be more easy.. try to find a trans-friendly therapist in you r city
Warm hugs
Peky
Hi Jess, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Take a spin around the site, there's plenty going on and always room for lots of new friends. I'm a Finder, if you need something on the site I can usually track it down. See you around!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Jessica :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's some quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs
V M
Hey Jess,
I'm new here too, so I can't really claim to show you around or anything. But.. *hugs* I can relate. I kept my mouth shut until I was in college; and I'm only really starting to come out now (half way through my senior year). But I promise people on a college campus don't care. Once you get here, it's more about convincing yourself it's okay than it actually being a problem with any teachers. Plus the few people in your classes that are immature enough to give you crap aren't going to be there very long. That's the awesome thing about being at university the bullies drop out after a couple of weeks xD
Also adding on the whole "Go to college it will turn your life around" speech I'm giving here..
Colleges provide free therapists to students. You will probably need a letter from a therapist to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist for HRT. So if you go to one on campus not only is it free, and you have a professional person helping you through this stuff, but you are also multi-tasking and getting yourself that much closer to a prescription.
Obviously this is just what I've done, and I'm suggesting it as I know it works (or worked for me) but I know that money often keeps us from being ourselves so if there is a way that it can cost you less why not go that route? You already have enough you are stressing about *hugs*
I hope you stick around. Even in just conversations I've had with people day I'm in a better mood than I was earlier.
If you need anything, just ask.
-Erin
Hi Jessica! I love the name! :) First :icon_hug:
I know all the things you are feeling and have felt them much longer than you have (40 years). I know you think you will never be free and live as you should, but you will. You will transition and have fantastic results and live your whole life as a female. You will get all the first's I will never have. First kiss, first dance and all the other things girls dream of. It will be a tough road I will not lie and there are challenges ahead of you which seem insurmountable. It will seem like forever until you get to act, go to therapy, start HRT and anything else you desire. Just please know they WILL happen and not MAYBE happen. I found my Therapist in the Psychology Department of Oklahoma State University. The charge is very small ($10.00 a session) and they can issue letters for HRT and SRS. Check to see if your college has this service. If it does that is one big step down. Most colleges and Universities health plans cover trans care so check it out and ask questions. You are in a very enviable position right now girl. Transition, education and a good future ahead. So do not look at this as a bad time in life, but the time for a new beginning. It will happen when the time is right and it sounds like your time is coming up. We Jessica's do not give up! :)
Hi Jessica,
A big warm welcome to Susan's Place. It's always nice to meet another sister and I hope to see you around the forums. There are many beautiful people here that have gone through or are going through the same feelings and emotions that you are. There is a vast array of information and some great resources on this site. Everything is right at your finger tips, so pull up a chair, relax and let your fingers do the walking. There are plenty of friends to made here. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always be looking upon you and help guide you on your path.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann
Hi Jess :)
Im 18 as well, and this year has been the first year of my life where I feel life is actually worth living.
I also went to a Catholic high school- an all-boys school and I know how hard it can be in an environment like that.
You are a wonderful person, a deserving person, a person of great worth. This year is one that could be yours. Talk to a therapist, get on HRT and be yourself. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be Jessica in every single part of your life!
Don't hate yourself, replace that emptiness in your stomach with fire. Spite the world that has cursed you so by living and living with nothing but Joy. Be the single greatest person you can be, you are clearly smart, so share your intellect with the world, use your gifts to the benefit of society. Take out your anger at mother nature by being Jessica
by being strong
by being beautiful and;
by being the Wonderful woman that you are
hugs
xoxo