I want to present more manly like where more manly clothes and cut my hair. I dress sort of manly like t shirts and jeans (skinny). I want to wear manly clothes though, for example button up shirts and loose jeans. But I'm scared of what people I know will do. I feel like they'll laugh at me probably behind my back. And how can I shop for manly clothes. It's hard walking into the men's section. I did last time and I got strange looks.
I meant wear not where (lack of sleep)
From my own experience there are always going to be people to give you weird looks and talk about you behind your back no matter what you do in life. That's just how some people are but you shouldn't let that stop you from doing what makes you happy. I used to have the same feelings you're having right now when I was younger but eventually I got to a point of not caring and I feel a lot better for it. But my advice is you should do what you want and screw what others think. Of course that can be easier said than done at times but if you want something bad enough you'll come to a decision.
Yeah I want to do it but I'm such a wuss. To be honest the people that I'm talking about are insignificant in my life.
That can still weigh on you, sometimes you just have to take that leap- like jumping into pool water instead of tip toeing around for you to get used to the water. The fact that you're going into the men's section to buy something is nobody's business but your own, you could be buying something for someone else...no one knows your personal business. Just the other day I saw a guy at target buying a few bras and panties in the women's section, I thought nothing of it. But some people are more interested in what others are doing and unfortunately that's something we can't stop.
Quote from: Canl on November 16, 2014, 09:10:21 AM
Yeah I want to do it but I'm such a wuss. To be honest the people that I'm talking about are insignificant in my life.
I recommend "The Complete Guide to Not Giving a F---". Google it. I used to be like that too. Then I read and followed that guide. It helped.
Quote from: Canl on November 16, 2014, 08:57:05 AM
I want to present more manly like where more manly clothes and cut my hair. I dress sort of manly like t shirts and jeans (skinny). I want to wear manly clothes though, for example button up shirts and loose jeans. But I'm scared of what people I know will do. I feel like they'll laugh at me probably behind my back. And how can I shop for manly clothes. It's hard walking into the men's section. I did last time and I got strange looks.
are you out yet? if so then you could explain its part of your transition.
im already out asa gay female, still in the trans closet though, but it makes it easier on me because most people just think its because im gay.
as for walkin in the mens section, take someone with you who wont judge you even if its a girl. i took my cousin and i barley noticed all the strange looks because it was a fun experience because i shared it with someone who knew my secrets.
I've always dressed "manly" so I've never had to take that step into wearing men's clothes, so the whole issue of it seems a little weird to me, because it's just not something I've faced.
I've always lived by the mantra of "it's better to be hated by someone else than to hate yourself" though.
Quote from: lxndr on November 16, 2014, 10:24:34 AM
I've always lived by the mantra of "it's better to be hated by someone else than to hate yourself" though.
Brilliant.
Suggest adding one piece at a time, ie a button up w/ your skinny jeans. I'm thinking you'll be amazed at how few people really notice or care to comment.
Chris
First step is underwear, sends a strong message to whoever does your laundry lol. If you go to a store at 7am there won't be people there to give you looks beside the employees and they just care enough to see if you are stealing stuff.
One of my first steps was shoes -- a pair of good men's leather shoes.
I can't bring myself to shopping in the men's section, I buy stuff online.
My personal experience wearing men's clothes while still being perceived as female is that people tend to assume I am a lesbian. That stings some, as I am neither a woman myself nor interested in women. I don't think they're laughing behind my back, though. Here in California, being gay/lesbian is somewhat trendy. My real friends, of course, don't care what clothes I wear.
As for where to start, just get one or two items at a time and see how it goes, see what feels right. You don't need to completely revamp your wardrobe all at once. If you really don't want anyone else to notice and this is only for your own sanity, start with men's underwear. No one else will know. But if you're wanting button up shirts, go for it. I find thrift stores are great for button up shirts.
What I did before I was comfortable shopping for myself and still presenting very femininely was write out a list and pretend to shop for someone else :) If any store employees give you weird looks, you can show them your list and ask them to point you towards pants of a certain size or boxer briefs. After I cut my hair, no one really thought twice about my presence in the men's section.
In terms of wearing it, do it in single items instead of all at once to help you feel more comfortable. Buy some looser jeans and wear them a few times a week. Once those become a common item in your wardrobe/once people have seen you in them, add a button up. I've always dressed in male clothing so that wasn't a big deal for me or anyone who knows me.
I've found the biggest wardrobe issue for me initially was underwear. I thought store employees would look at me or talk about me buying men's underwear for the longest time. They seriously don't care, especially if you shop at the bigger chain stores. You're one face in a few hundred or thousand that they'll see in a week - if you're not otherwise memorable, they will not remember you.
This time of year you have the perfect cover story - CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. It's how I got the guts up to go for my first selection of fun boxers. Maybe doesn't help much for stuff you have to try on in store, but most places have return policies too...
Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 16, 2014, 03:13:08 PM
This time of year you have the perfect cover story - CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. It's how I got the guts up to go for my first selection of fun boxers. Maybe doesn't help much for stuff you have to try on in store, but most places have return policies too...
This! Also, asking for gift receipts at the register is a good cover if that interaction makes you uncomfortable.
My strategy:
1) thrift stores
2) department store mens' sections
3) walmart or target
4) internet
Thrift stores are awesome because no matter how odd you are, you're nowhere near the oddest person there. The employees there see everything, and are usually very tolerant. People also shop for costumes at thrift stores a lot, so you can always pretend (either to tell people or just imagine in your head) that you're buying for a cross-dress party or something. Easier in October than November, but these things happen year round. If you can't try clothes on, it's usually $1-5 per article, so it's a minimal risk to take it home and try on there.
Department stores and discount stores are big enough that even if you get the hairy eyeball, nobody will remember an hour later. Unless you're in a very small town in a conservative area, you'll be only one of many XX-chromosomal people shopping in the men's department. You can even pull men's stuff off the shelf and go try it on in the women's dressing room. The first time around, I felt paranoid and grabbed some women's articles, too, to cover it up. But nobody even noticed what I took into the dressing room.
I did the first two steps to get a sense of sizing in different brands. Men's clothes are also great because sizes are actual measurements, not some arbitrary number. Sizing isn't 100% consistant, but you can get a decent sense of your shirt size by measuring your neck and chest circumfrence, and arm length (usually measured from the nape of the neck to the wrist). Most shirts are sized neck x arm, but the manufacturer's website will usuaally give you chest circumfrence. Especially if you're not large-breasted, or you're binding, men's sizing is fairly reliable. Once you've found a brand you like and that fits you, go with it. Nothing wrong with a boring wardrobe when you're starting out.
It's also very common for women to buy clothing for the men in their lives. No one bats an eye a women buying men's clothes in most places. My dad used to want socks and underwear for Christmas every year. Its also not uncommon for women to wear men's clothing, especially jeans and shirts. FtMs are lucky in this. Trans women have trouble accessing wardrobe basics unless they're passing.
The other thing to remember is that you're much more aware of yourself than the people around you are. Like I said, even if you get a wierd look, it's unlikely that anyone will remember unless they know you fairly well. Feeling nervous will attract more looks than the clothes themselves which, like I said, there are lots of reasons for even a cis woman to be buying.
I used to get paranoid when I first started shopping for clothes but then I realized something; all those laughs? They were mostly in my head. We are our own worst enemy. I went into the men's section in a push-up bra and while I had a couple of younger guys look at me curiously when I was looking at underwear, I just acted like I belonged there. Confidence is the key.
Otherwise everyone has made excellent suggestions. My first article of men's clothing was a pair of jeans and I didn't get that many looks even when I tried them on.
For confidence in dealing with being in public, have you ever watched what people do in public? They stare at their phones. Or whoever they're talking to. When you're out with someone, do you really pay attention to everything that's going on around you? Even if they do notice, most people are so self absorbed in their own little universes that you're just a passing speck of 2 seconds interest.
If anything, it's probably like, "So I was like- is that a boy or a girl? Huh. Whatever. So Joe was like-"
As far as actually dressing though, observe the men around you. What are they wearing? What age set generally wears that? What group subset wears that? For that last question I mean, if you copy that group, are you going to look like a thug or a hipster? Do you really want to look like a thug? Just be attentive. :P
Once you decide what kind of presentation you want to make, I'd try the thrift shops. They're cheap so you don't have to feel bad if you get home and hate that shirt.
Don't worry. It gets easier after you do it a few times.
I started doing this at work when I first started identifying as trans. No one at work noticed. I went from wearing short sleeve tanks to wearing button down shirts and binding. It's a big change. I don't think most people really care that much what other folks do as they are involved with themselves.
--Jay
Quote from: lxndr on November 16, 2014, 10:24:34 AM
I've always dressed "manly" so I've never had to take that step into wearing men's clothes, so the whole issue of it seems a little weird to me, because it's just not something I've faced.
I've always lived by the mantra of "it's better to be hated by someone else than to hate yourself" though.
This.
The first thing I'd do though is to cut out the skinny jeans........ thats nothing to do with male-ness or not... I just hate skinny jeans. Never put them on... Never plan to. Gross.
I took a friend along with me when I decided it's about time I visit the men's section. I was feeling quite overwhelmed and had no idea how I wanted to dress, so having someone with me was definitely very helpful. Also it didn't seem like people were giving us a second glance, I don't think it's uncommon for females to shop in the men's section, but then that also might depend on what you're buying? Doubt people care too much though.
Quote from: Frank on November 16, 2014, 06:10:54 PM
As far as actually dressing though, observe the men around you. What are they wearing? What age set generally wears that? What group subset wears that? For that last question I mean, if you copy that group, are you going to look like a thug or a hipster? Do you really want to look like a thug? Just be attentive. :P
I've gotten much more attentive to what guys wear now that I've actually decided that I want to dress like one..
Quotehttp://I've gotten much more attentive to what guys wear now that I've actually decided that I want to dress like one.
This. Although I've worn men's clothes all my adult life, until I decided to transition, I never cared that much about what I looked like. Now I have a lot more interest in how I look, and in being at least somewhat in fashion.
I've found men's style websites to be really helpful for finding out what I like and getting ideas about what might work for me --
The Art of Manliness is one good one,
Fashionbeans is another; they have -- literally -- a hundred articles on men's fashion basics.
People aren't going to look at you weird for being in the men's section, unless you are the one acting like you shouldn't be there. If you're looking around paranoid like, yeah people will notice. If you just walk in like you belong, people won't pay attention, especially at big stores. If you don't act like its anything weird, neither will they.
If you are still presenting female and not out, make up a story about why you're there first. "I'm shopping for my boyfriend/brother/cousin for his birthday/Christmas/whatever." Already having a back up story will make you feel more confident, but honestly, I've never had anyone ask.
As for what to wear, I started with a pullover and a button up shirt that I wear over my more feminine clothes. The only reaction I got from my family, who I wasn't out to, was "that's a nice shirt." It made me feel more masculine without broadcasting "I'm trans!"
I am having this problem too. At the Walmart by me there is a line that separates the women's and men section. I held my breath and stepped over the line. it actually helped haha. say its for someone else if your not comfortable.