Two years ago this week I came out as trans*, both to myself and to my wife, whom I told immediately after I was sure that I at very least had a distinct female component. Initially, I thought I wouldn't (or couldn't) fully transition and was against taking HRT due to fear of the unknown. I had become extremely depressed, and was spending most days then crying in a fetal position with teddy bears. For the first time ever, I began wearing women's items. I still had a beard though, and didn't want to come out to anyone. I hated being transgender to the point of no longer caring whether I lived or died. It was like the end of the world to me. I was built like a linebacker, losing my already long hair rapidly, and experiencing very unpleasant testosterone spikes. I started to drink hard alcohol like it was water.
Two years ago tomorrow was when I hit rock bottom. I drank that night with reckless abandon, secretly hoping again that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I ended up bleeding profusely from a gash on my forehead from falling down hard in my bathroom and was rushed to the ER for the second time in 2 1/2 weeks.
I came out to the ER doctor early that morning as I explained what happened, who turned out to be a plastic surgeon that had many trans* patients over the years (MTF and FTM top surgery in Beverly Hills). He was the one who told me that it was imperative that I see a therapist right away. It took me almost a month to make that call, but I'm so glad that I did.
Because of them, I am here today.
And we are all glad you eventually made the call and are here with us today Jill. To show us that is does get better when we are down and sharing your wisdom, humor and musical knowledge.
Selfishly speaking, I'm glad it turned out like it did. My life would be much poorer having never known you.
How about a cake? It's your birthday, after all! :angel:
such a beautiful story so glad you are hear t share it.
Thank you so much for sharing that Jill! I see a lot of myself in your story and it helps give me perspective :)
Thank you all so much.
The most wonderful things in my transition experience were gaining hope when I had none, discovering what true happiness was for the first time, allowing myself to just be me, realizing what my friends and family were truly made of, making a LOT of new friends- both cis and trans*, and gaining that joie de vivre that I never had.
I was effectively reborn after transitioning and my life has never been better. One of the best things I heard was from an ex-bandmate that I did not get along with. After a concert, he told me that in the 10 minutes or so that we spoke shortly after I went full time, he saw me smile more than I had in the 16 months we were bandmates.
What was I ever afraid of? The freedom to be myself is priceless and having my brain finally running on the right hormones is an amazing relief.
Thanks for sharing Jill! I'm so glad you made it through too!
Hi Jill,
Glad you are still here and for your special sense of humor :)