A friend of mine (not a close friend) recently pointed out to me that I don't look ENOUGH into her eyes as I talk to her. She felt like I was not being direct enough with my eyes. I was somewhat taken aback because I was in the midst of pouring out some heart-felt emotional things to her -- things that people don't normally talk about openly. My closest friends have often said that they are impressed with how open I am in sharing my inner thoughts, history, feelings and philosophies. People are comfortable talking about work, the stock market, television shows or sports but often avoid, like the plague, talking of personal (in my mind, more important) things.
I responded to this friend that tradition here, in the United States, is that we should stare into each other's eyes as we talk but, contrarily in parts of Japan, it's looked upon as rude or an INTRUSION if you stare directly into their eyes. She, quite properly pointed out with a smile, we were not in Japan!
I reflected on it and I suppose she's correct about me. While I'm FAR more open about my inner thoughts and feelings than most, I do have some unease about staring too long into a casual friend's or coworker's eyes. My eyes will move a few seconds on the person I'm talking with, then they will look away a few seconds, and then look back. Logically, I realize that some in society may think I'm being evasive or insincere by not constantly gazing at them but this need society demands of me can seem a bit weird at times. I'm a writer and my WORDS are important to me. While I have no problem staring into a loved one's eyes, I do have some unease with staring CONSTANTLY into the eyes of someone I know casually. My words and the deliberate reflective tone of my voice should, in my mind, be the important defining factor of my sincerity. Couldn't people tell, by LISTENING via radio to FDR that, by his voice, tone and words, he was being sincere? And, yet, I know that society in general (and body experts specifically) use eye, hand and body language to define sincerity. I'm aware that if FDR had looked down and up and down as he delivered speeches, people would have been suspicious of him. Like some probably are of me.
Is there a trick to this? My parents didn't really do the eye-contact thing and so I probably learned this shy habit from them. How did you learn to stare into other people's eyes constantly and comfortably?
Teri Anne
I get told off by looking too much in another´s eyes. It´s the only way of knowing what´s being said, you can have a whole conversation with eyes and a different one with mouths. I´d always believe the eye-conversation most. It´s how you tell your friends you love them whilst ripping the piss out of them.
I've always had problems with eye contact - it takes me a whole lot of trust and effort to do so, I've no idea why i cant. I think it is to do with an intrusion or that its so very personal. I take to staring at my hands or the floor. I went from really shy to extremely extroverted but its because im so nervous that ive went the other direction. i reckon it takes a lot of practice even now theres only like 3/4 people i can do it with and its taken me a long time.
i wish you luck with it though - nice to see im not the only one :)
- Nick
To be honest I tend to avoid eye contact, and for that matter looking at whom I am talking to at all. *shrug* For what it is worth (=
I generally look at the persons mouth, but then I have to lip read some to make up for some hearing problems, I hear the words but I also have trouble distinguishing what is being said. The further away the person is, the easier it is for me to understand them.
Sarah L.
I try to during a conversation but I usually end up looking above the chest and below the chin because from there you can watch shoulder and hip movement.
In a conversation with a close friend, eye contact is frequent and prolongued, but not continuous. But, you should have eye contact on crucial points of what you saying, funny, sad, mad, to better communicate you feeling, establishing a kind of complicity.
Me, I often "talk with my eyes" with friends, they see my eyes and instantly know how I feel.
I have to 'read the script' that's usually sitting to the left of their face, so no, I don't make enough eye contact.
And I know it hurts my cred' with those who believe in eye contact. I can be telling God's Received Truth, and those who believe in bloody ******' eye-contact think I'm lying through my teeth.
Utter rubbish!
But try as I might, I can't hold a steady gaze except in very limited circumstances, and I end up looking over to the virtual teleprompter again...
Karen-the-Deceitful-Seeming...
I use a lot of eye contact but also let my eyes, face, body wander a bit during a converation. It's easy to do by slighty rurning the torso, shoulders or head along with the hands as part of the body language.
I think eye contact is an important part of conversation, but staring will likely make anyone uncomfortable in short order.
Robyn
I rarely talk to people's eyes. I look at their lips if I have to, but I mostly avoid faces. They're painful to look at, with very few exceptions.
Eyecontact... My eyes wander off, pierce at occasion, and if you let me talk long enough I'll look at a point right next to you as if there's someone standing there. It just happens.. ::)
Verbal communication means more to me than non-verbal and therefore I can appear rather rude for looking at something else when someone is talking. It actually means I'm listening; movement distracts me, and too much eyecontact makes me wonder if my conversation partner is either on drugs or that their words don't equal their thoughts. 8)
I do tend to make eye contact when I talk to people and expect the same in return. There's just something that bothers me when people are looking somewhere else while they are talking to me.
tink :icon_chick:
It totally depends on the person and situation.
I match eyes with my (male) boss for example, because I feel he sees it as an expression of honesty and integrity.
I match eyes with women a lot when discussing something funny or emotional, as it just seems to convey soooo many unspoken feelings and emotion. "Laughing with one's eyes" and that sorta thing. But that sorta just happens that way, where with my boss it's kinda deliberate.
On the other hand, my eyes wander all over the place when I'm relating a story... as my imagination replaces my eyesight and I'm "seeing" my memory and not the outside world anymore.
With strangers, I tend to be flirty and teasing with guys. You know, glance, smile, look away... look back...
With women, it's a lot like with cats. Cats do this goofy blink thing to ask, "Hey, I'm OK with you... are you OK with me?" It's not a stare with women, it's... sort of a questioning, vulnerable look to see if she wants to be friends or not.
Except with my boss, none of this is planned out. Just in hindsight, it seems to be what happens...
~Kate~
I know that I, myself, have gathered clues to the earnestness or strength of emotion from a person's eyes. Knowing that doesn't unfortunately cure my feelings of discomfort in this eye-contact thing. I was trying to explain my discomfort to a friend today... I told her that eye-contact can make me feel claustraphobic, like someone is standing an inch from my face. I feel like saying, "Get out of my face," lol!
I was then told that ANOTHER friend of ours had commented of me that I don't look into HER eyes enough. Sheesh! An epidemic! I joked that, whenever I see her next, maybe I'll just do the opposite from my norm and stare at her CONSTANTLY, lol! The only concern is, heck, what if she does like it? Then what? Lol!
Teri Anne
Eye contact is crucial to establish eye contact, it shouldn't be continuous, but it shouldn't be shifty either; even when talking to a group, you should establish brief eye contact with many in the group when talking to them instead of talking to the back wall.
If say 90% of the time you don't look and then sneek glances, that doesn't look to good; it looks as though you've got something to hide, your stressed, shy, etc.
i´m practically autistic on the phone, i can´t read jokes or intentions or lies or smiles. You can spin me a metaphor and I´ll get lost. It all anchors in the face and the eyes. Unless it´s types or written, but then the rules are different anyway.
I seem to make eye contact to a fault, and it may contribute to me quiting/losing my job. If I am talking to someone, out of repect for them, I try to give them my full attention, which includes eye contact.
I have come to find out through the grapevine that when I give the Big Boss bad news, he is interpreting my news as me being defiant or challenging due to eye contact. I have learned that some people feel as if they are having holes drilled in them when they talk to me. Its not like I'm nasty to people-I get along well with most of my peers and team. It's only when communicating up the ladder I have this problem.
I guess eye contact is good when talking to peers or the people I supervise, bad when talking to my supervisors.
Annastasia
i look into peoples eyes depending on the person. i look into the eyes of a couple of my female friends, but usually never my male friends. With one person, we always look into each others eyes when we talk and sometimes when we dont! And we actually got in trouble for it! In my English class last semester me and one of my female friends sat close to each other, only one person in between us. And all through the semester we would just lay our heads down on the desk and look into each others eyes, like a silent conversation almost. and our teacher would tell us to stop looking at each other and listen to him. We also got in trouble for talking too much :P
I do look into peoples eyes when they are speaking. It lets them know that I am interested in what they are saying. And that I am paying attention to our discussion. Alot of people who have trouble with eye contact, usually it's a sign of boredom , insecurity, untruthfulness, or uninterested.
I look into eyes a lot with the exception of situational looking around to be aware of my environment, I will also look within myself at times if I'm dredging up a memory or depending on threat assessment. Which an ex of mine described as looking into someone's eyes and no one was home. Blank dead unemotional. I try not to do that when in conversations anymore.
Rashelle
I always make eye contact. I usually don't stare at them and look away like I'm thinking or something unusual. I know when I was working with men and I hadn't transitioned yet I would look them straight in the eye. I was told that I intimidated them to no end when I talked to them. Oh well, so sorry. Now, I have learned not to stare into their eyes and I look away and then back into the eyes when I talk. Then again, I don't have many or any friends either. So don't follow my lead.
Sheila
I generally belive eye contact is most sincere but not constantly. I look away momentarely and bring them back and blink often. To me there is something sinister when someone is constantly staring at me while talking. A loved one maybe, but not a casual friend or coworker and especially not a stranger. Maybe briefly if they ask for directions.
Linda Ann
Love being female :angel:
In American culture (and probably European/Colonial cultures as well) eye contact patterns are gender related. Typically women will make direct eye contact when they are talking, especially when talking to best friends or other intimates. This is viewed as sharing equality. Typically men will not do this, as eye contact is viewed as a form of social challenge (much like with gorillas).
Eye contact as a challenge? That's interesting, Lisbeth.
Lianne, you mentioned, "Alot of people who have trouble with eye contact, usually it's a sign of boredom , insecurity, untruthfulness, or uninterested."
I've been thinking that my problem has more to do with (1) being shy and (2) having a family that wasn't big on eye contact (learned behavior).
I sometimes think of the scene in animation feature, "Lady and the Tramp." In it, I remember the girl dog kind of looking down and up towards the boy dog. Though some might argue, I never took it as being flirtatious. I presumed that the dog, like me, was shy and, by glancing up briefly, could gradually, with shyness, "feel" out the situation with her eyes.
Also - In society in that period, women were less aggressive in dealing with men. Part of looking down, away from the man, was what society, in that period, expected of you.
Over time, my learned behavior, shyness, will hopefully disipate and I will then make the ones who demand eye contact from me more comfortable. I will have joined the accepted mode of society...
Until society changes the rules again, lol.
Teri Anne
I agree with you Teri Anne.
Alot of people tell me that I don't look in to their eyes often enough. It isnt at all because I'm being dishonest or that I'm not interested.
You mentioned the Japanese culture and how it's rude to look directly in to people's eyes when you talk to them. I was raised in Japan and my mother is Japanese so I was just brought in a family where there wasn't alot of eye contact. I remember when we moved to the states my mother would look down alot when someone would talk to her. Not in fear but out of respect. ;D I'm also extremely shy and find it difficult to stare in to someone eyes unless I glance for a second to get a point across. I feel like if I stare too long I'm going to make them feel uncomfortable.
I think it just depends on the situation and the person ;D
So True Terri Anne, Shyness has an affect on eye contact. I should of added that fact to the other observations, but in fact, thats all they are, are observation. I don't consider eye contact to be a challenge for the most part, I agree that in certain circumstances eye contact can mean an array of things.
Culture is also a factor on this subject. I guess we can all learn something on this matter. Eye contact is in the eye of the beholder.
Jaiden, thank you for further explaining the Japanese concept of eye contact. I'd heard about it but you're the first to back me up on this. It was very interesting to hear that your mother looked down "not in fear but out of respect." Is the eye-contact thing changing in today's Japan? Do today's teenagers have eye-contact more similar to what we have in the U.S.?
Lianne, you mentioned, "eye contact is in the eye of the beholder." Very funny and cute. Thanks! You mention culture and that thought reminds me of how different people are in different lands. Islamic people apparently consider the sole of a shoe to be insulting (which is why they beat Sadam's toppled statue with their shoes). Some cultures won't shake hands with the right hand. Some cultures, when the head is shaking from side to side (rather than nodding up and down), feel that means "yes." Different churches have different customs as to whether hair should be covered or not inside the church. Gender can play in this. I remember walking into a church as a male and having an Episcopal priest tell me to take off my sock cap. Women, contrarily, were allowed to wear caps. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with customs.
Teri Anne
It has been a long time since I have been back to Japan but limiting eye contact is still and important part of the Japanese culture. It is very uncomfortable and can be viewed as a rude, aggressive and offensive. Typically Japanese will look down then back up to the mouth, chin or neck etc...
I am not sure how the children today are brought up. I'd imagine it would be the same though :laugh:
Interesting. I guess I'd be "normal" in Japan. Thanks, Jaiden!
Teri Anne
Which would make me rude....I guess I need to polish up my manners in the orient.(LOL!). All in fun people.
No problem Teri Anne. Lets move to Japan! ;D
Yes it's all fun and educational as well Lianne. That's what I love about these forums. Nice to hear the opinions and experiences different people have :laugh: