I am 55 and not transitioned. Maybe someday depending on how things work out.
It took me a long time to accept this but I am what I am. You can hate yourself or celebrate yourself. You can do everything and more that society wants you to do to prove yourself. In the end none of that matters because you will still be you. Maybe that seems pretty obvious to most but I was first confronted with this before the internet age when both information and tolerance were non-existent.
I knew I was TS at around age 11 although I had no idea what it was called then. Some say they knew when they were 3. I cannot even remember back to when I was 3 so they must have better memories :-). Anyway, before I was 11 I felt that I was somehow different but couldn't really quantify it other than thinking I looked different and didn't relate to others well. And this may sound really stupid but until I was 11 or so I didn't really know the difference between male and female except in a very vague way.
My behaviors were not strictly stereotypical in either way although I was very aware at a young age that expressing any interest in anything feminine was forbidden in my house. Maybe I suppressed those interests, I'm not sure. Mostly I was very shy, read a lot, and felt out of place everywhere.
Somewhere around 11, at the very beginning of puberty I suddenly knew what was wrong. I had a Christian upbringing so I prayed to God to make me wake up right, as a girl. he never answered. As an aside, later i also prayed to make me wake up in either one way or the other as long as mind and body matched. he seemed to ignore this prayer too. I also started crossdressing about this time. (The exact timelines are kind of blurry now).
When I was 13 I got caught by my mother; she found my clothing collection and immediately told my father. So they called me in and started the big interrogation. Why, Why, Why. What's wrong with you? I was a coward, stood silently, and couldn't bring my self to be honest about it. In my defense this was 1973 and I knew absolutely nothing. They accused me of all sorts of mental illness and threatened a psychiatrist. In the end I got sent to military school away from home at age 13.
So here I'll compress the next 28 years and say I decided to prove to myself and to them as a "MAN". I went to 4 years military school then 4 years military college and then 20 years in the Army. Outwardly I was very successful at this. Inwardly, it felt contrived most of the time. I did punch all the "Man" tickets though. I'm pretty confident that I stacked up more "MACHO" man points than 99% of the so called "real" men in the world that laugh at us, hate us, and assault us.
So, at the end of these 28 years did proving myself change the fact that I am a woman inside? Not at all. If anything the discomfort was much worse.
It also leaves me feeling very resentful towards my parents for forcing me into this life. Yeah, I know it was 1973, and I know I stood silent, even though I was 13. I know its irrational and unhealthy and I know I need to get over it but it is what it is.
Soon after I retired from the Army my conflict became insufferable. Between this and my wife not understanding life became unbearable and I seriously considered ending it. I even rehearsed with my pistol (empty) but pressing it to my head and pulling the trigger several times. Finally I confessed everything to my wife, particularly the part about wanting to kill myself. I can't say the outcome was great, but she did thereafter at least quit giving me hell. Not really fully accepting it but more or less ignoring it.
Soon after that I had the bright idea to do self administered hormones. Well, I did them for a few years. I later quit for two reasons. First I gained a bunch of weight and became fat LOL. And second I became worried because I started feeling unhealthy and started having heart pains. Other than that the hormones made me feel at one with myself and at peace. (I do not recommend what I did. I am pretty sure I pushed myself very close to a heart attack). Luckily I escaped any permanent health damage.
So I then I changed tack and over absorbed myself into running marathons for a couple of years till I finally ran myself into total physical exhaustion and had to stop to recover. I did lose all the weight though :-) Total dedication to a lot of running every day, and constant exhaustion, helped not dwell on other stuff, although it was always present. I also got pretty good in the local races for a while. :-)
So that brings me to the present where life as it is grows increasingly intolerable. I went to my first appointment to see a gender psychologist last week and told him I needed to start hormones again but this time under a Dr's supervision. My next appointment is next week so we'll see how that goes. What comes after this is anybody's guess but it really is a huge relief just to be taking control at last. :)
Hey Deborah
Welcome to Susan's. Oh my, you indeed have a story. This is a great place for you to be yourself and let your hair down, so I hope you'll find Susan's to be source of information and conversation.
Hugs
Julia
Hi Deborah :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Welcome Deborah to Susan's family.
Everyone moves along the path of life.
Its not easy one bit.
Lots here that can hopefully help.
Hugs
Hi Deborah, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm a Bostonian. Thanks for sharing, and thank you for your service. We encourage our veterans, and there are a lot of us, to muster in here: Roll Call! (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html) See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Congrats for finding Susan's Place, and thank you for your service. Hope to see you around the forums.
All the best to you and hugs,
Jill
Welcome to Susan's. Thank you for your service to our great country!
Best of luck with everything and may you find what your looking for.
Hugs, Jenni from Minnesota
I've been lurking here on and off for a few years and read something over 500 pages of posts in the last couple of weeks. I hope I can become a productive forum member now. ;D
Hi Deborah,
A big warm welcome to Susan's place. It's always nice to welcome another sister to the ranks of our family. You will find many beautiful people here who either have gone through or are going through the same feelings and emotions you are. You did tell quite a story here, and I thank you very much for sharing. There is a vast array of information and some great resources available here. Everything is right at your fingertips, so pull up a chair, relax and let your fingers do the walking. I hope to see you around the forums. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.
Much love,
Melissa Ann
Welcome to Susan's, Deborah. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm a veteran also; thank you for your service.
:)