So my wife went from total rejection ("I am straight") to seemingly very supportive ("well I must be bi I guess"). We decided to go ahead with IVF as it was our last chance, and it finally worked.
We said, well let's see how you go and if you no longer find me attractive... We part as friends in best terms, raise our child as friends who love each other.
All good so far.
But the thing is... It is me who has changed. I don't want her any more, all I can see is how self orientated she is, how resentful she is of me and feel like I am suffocating in a toxic atmosphere. At best we are nice to each other, but my heart is just not there.
After a decade of following her, living by her schedule, going through the motions, trying to be a good 'man', I am waking up. But I feel trapped between having been supported for a decade through severe depression, to realising she was both saving me an part of the problem. She alternates between attacking me with personal barbs and saving my life.
I want out. But I utterly need her support and want to see my baby born and bond with him.
To my shame I have become an outrageous flirt during the last month, seeking affection or attention from others and pushing the boundary of my marriage. I just don't get anything from her in that way. I feel empty. I havent cheated, and am morally against it... but the pressure to is immense.
I am just becoming this great person... Someone I can actually respect and yet I am going to break up my marriage to truly be myself... With a baby on the way. How can I have self respect?
Help? Advice? Stories?
It is this weird thing. She was always selfish and critical, always putting schedule ahead of me.
I guess now I just respect myself enpugh to not just cave to it.
Quote from: Emmaline on November 20, 2014, 11:24:21 AM
It is this weird thing. She was always selfish and critical, always putting schedule ahead of me.
I guess now I just respect myself enough to not just cave to it.
I can somewhat identify with this comment. I now have a reason to live. I am learning about who I am and who I want to be. And I realize that I have been living my life to keep my wife happy and to avoid conflict with her narrow vision of right and wrong. While I still love my wife, I wonder if we have any future. Do I want to remain with someone that has such a narrow vision of life and would I be able to live the life I wish to if we were to remain together?
I can't offer any advise, but I think I understand how life looks much different as we finally come alive.
Postives: transition working, becoming authentic self, shedding shield persona, gaining authentic friends at a fast rate, several lesbians seem interested in me, getting first self respect based on good things I have done for others, baby on way.
Cons: everything else.
Thanks Kaydee, just hearing someone else identifies with this helps me feel less alone.
And it does feel like I am only just coming alive.
Quote from: Emmaline on November 20, 2014, 12:07:29 PM
And it does feel like I am only just coming alive.
I feel more alive
Sometimes I begin to feel that I may learn to like myself
I have found myself wanting to do good things for myself
I wonder who I really am
I wonder if I am bound by the agreements made by that guy who controlled my mind for too long
It is like I have awakened from a long dream and the world is so much better than I remember it ever being.