I am tired - just so tired.
Tired of keeping it up when I don't really feel I have any reason.
Anyone else feeling like you're living a double life?
I don't mean the "in the closet double life" thing.
More like a emotional double life.
Everything's fine in my life, great even! - but the sometimes nagging, sometimes raging dysphoria, the feeling of hopelessness regarding starting a family or even getting some kind of romantic or closer relationship, the not so believable future where I recognise my own reflection...
It's not that I don't have friends, I do and they're great! (I'm out to them, they're maybe not the best at remembering pronouns, but I've not been very prone on reminding or being clear with it either..) I'm at university loving what I'm studying!
Lately I've gotten into local politics (where I'm out as transgender, no specifics, and they're all fine with that). It's a fairly new party that focus on feminism, lgbtq and anti-rasism -it's great! I'm of to a day of education within the party, focusing on transgender politics, history, laws and health. I'm starting to network a bit and build up a stable ground to be an "official spokesperson" in national politics and/or groups, or something like that in the future - as a transgender person.
Still - regardless of all that, I don't really see the point.
I'm still just as emotionally wrecked, I somehow thought that by engaging myself in things I really, really feel are meaningful and really could help people - that it somehow would make up for all the despair I'm feeling.
I don't want to feel like this any more, I . Just . Don't. ..But I can forget it in short periods.
I really do appreciate all the good I have in my life - it's not like I appreciate things I like less because of it - not at all like depression that casts a shadow over Everything.
It's like I said - "A double life"
Parallel to my ordinary life that's just fine I have at least one major "no more" moment each day (often more):
"No more, I can't take it - it just hurts and hurts and hurts - I don't want to live and I don't want to have to go trough another day"
Since my life is so good now (the none-hurting part of it- obviously) - I can't really think of a scenario where I could make it better, different perhaps, but not better. - If it hurts this much now I can't ever imagine it could go away and therefore I don't see the point of continuing this weird kind of self-torture.
I'm not jumping of a cliff now, nor tomorrow or next week - but this is how I feel.
I feel very protective of my family (parents, brother and gran), so thats my main argument for not just quitting.
I don't even know what this is anymore, does anyone relate to this mess?
Big hug! I think everyone has thoughts of "What's the point?" sometimes. I can't say I know, but I can say you're not alone.
Hugs, Devlyn
Thank you - big hug back!
Mumrik,
I was there, stood on the doorway, stepped through but someone pulled me back.
I stand today a year and half past my GCS and almost 10 years from that day.
Felt the same way you do.
Spent years with my gender therapist.
Come to understand i had to love myself first and others second.
Easy? No
Worth working on moving forward on my life's path? Yes
Need to talk is a way forward. We spend so much time thinking that we forget conversations with others.
We are our minds worst enemy.
We are here in the forum 24/7 someone is around. Reach out and maybe you will talk more and work your fears out more.
Talk with your therapist on your steps, make the plan for a life. Move forward.
Huge family hug.
Izzy
Thank you for your words Izzy
they didn't hit home until after a nights sleep and lots and lots of tea, but now when I'm a bit calmer they do help out a great deal. <3
My therapist won't get me a letter to a specialised gender therapist (where I live I can't go directly to a GT, I got to get a letter from a ordinary therapist first..)
He just thinks I'm "generally confused" and won't talk about gender issues until earliest February next year. If I get a letter to a GT then it's still at least a year to any kind of hormones, surgeries... So, meetings with the therapist isn't making things better atm.
Maybe I should be more open with the extent of how down I feel at times with my friends - need to talk could perhaps turn into some talking and something good?
I'm not so good at expressing how I feel - and more so, I'm afraid to make them uncomfortable with the whole suicidal thing. If they just look horrified or start talking about how I have good things in my life - I'd rather not say anything at all. I've also considered sending them my post here so they could read it without med being present.. I don't now - any tips? I'm so in the middle of it that I feel I don't really see things clearly and miss obvious things.
I'm really glad someone pulled you back, Izzy
huge hug with love to you!