I mean I know a lot of people have clues in the past they can look back on.
But how did you know for sure?
By going deep inside of myself, and do the soul searching work. Every question can be answered this way. After that it became clear: I knew that I was a woman, because I knew what I was not: a guy.
In Therapy when someone else saw what I felt. :)
Like PinkCloud said and I agree, lots of deep soul searching. Mine was aided by therapy, but I realized and accepted myself in 2008 when I was driving down the road alone in my vehicle and it just hit me as I was deep in thought, probably deeper than I should have been considering I was driving. I had tears of joyous, relief, a ton of emotions. I just knew right then and there.
I explored on a younger age, grew up, always felt uncomfortable tingles in my stomach with no specific reason and they made me wonder what was going on. A few years ago my life was perfect but I still felt like I was fighting a depression with huge mood swings.
When I gotten braces they told me I needed jaw surgery and the result was a nice masculine jawline. They showed me kind of what it would look like.. and I hated it.
I just started exploring. Changing clothes, behave as how I wanted to, letting my hair grow. I realized all of the changes were very feminine.
Eventually gender dysphoria started to kick in a little and I disliked being called a man. But having to tell someone, which is often asked when you are transgender here and in the hospital or some sort, to state that you are female, felt funny to me. Just being me, changing, developing and finally happy when I look at the mirror, or see myself at pictures (somewhat). Other than that I never thought about sex much, it didn't interest me before. So it never felt as if something was missing. It just always felt a little wrong, the exploring is the right step forward and even now I assume HRT will make me happier but I am not even sure.
I can't answer when I knew I was transgender because I still don't know. I just am doing what feels natural and assume/expect this is the right way because every change in this direction has felt so right already.
Boom, wall of text.
I just knew when I was. 11. I just didn't know what it was called or that there were any others. I just thought I was weird.
Every night I prayed to wake up a girl. Not really sure how I knew but I just did.
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Deep, unyielding despair at being seen and treated as a male and the exclusion from womanhood and living as a female that entailed.
Even though I just didn't feel right, I hated my penis, I hated boy things, I hated boy clothes and wanted to be like my cousins (all girls) I didn't know what was wrong.
After mum took me out of school (I've outlined why a few times here) I was watching day time TV and saw transgendered people, even though they were the freaky, scary, will trick guys ones it opened my eyes and I knew then.
There was this weird tatoo on the side of my head - I had no idea it was there because it was covered by hair, but once I found it, everything clicked. There was another one as well, but that was not really important, just some random numbers (999).
For years I always knew I was different. when I was about 3 or 4 years old and my brother was in the toddler stage, I fondly remember asking my dad why my brother had the dangley bit and where I had lost mine when we were bathed together. Hitting primary school, I would always get into boys stuff. When I was in grade 3 or 4 I would always say that I was a boy yet I was wearing skirts and pig tails (due to being forced to), which caused a lot of bullying. I finally realized I was actually a FtM when I was around 13. By then i was wearing oversize mens clothes and tight bras in an attempt to hide my chest. and short boys haircuts. I was already being bullied as a lesbian at my school (which i kind of was at the time) But I had watched a tv show one time about a MtF and the issues and feelings I could relate to so much. I finally discovered what to call it and thats probably the time i fully realized I am Transgender
To try n keep my story short
I knew since I was very young, like when I was 5, I had a Barbie n most of my primary school friends where girls, at the age of 5 or 6 I remember asking my mum where is my dolls willy, she replied girls ,don't have willys, which really upset me, she later took the doll of of me, I also dressed up as a girl in the dress up corner in kindagarden in a dress, straw hat n heels but the teacher pulled me a side n made me take it off, telling me that was wrong n giving me a toy tobacco pipe n a man's hat n explained to me how to play house.
Later in life as I began to learn about things I found that some people have something against me expressing myself, especially in school
n growing up around the church, I repressed my feeling n became a very rebellions n angry teen, drinking n smoking weed n often getting in trouble by the police because of the people I tried to fit in with.
I lost all my friends that where girls near the end of primary school which was like loosing a peace of who I am
In puberty I felt myself aroused by boys, as much as I tried to like girls, but it just doesn't work like that
It took 23 long years before I found out about anything to do with a sex change, after a mental brake down that landed me in hospital, but that's what drove me to tell my mum about how I've always felt, leading me to search online for answers, n found myself imersed in a wealth of information like an addiction, my mum said she should have known from all the little things I did n became rather accepting of my choice to pursue my feelings n my life's greatest dreams.
My first grade teacher said you are a boy!, you have to move to the other side of the room & sit with the boys. I was so upset. Later she said you are so nice & have really long eye lashes & you would have made such a beautiful little girl.
I only figured it out 4 days ago. Lol! Id alwayz been so much more comfortable dressed as a boi since a kid. I grew to b a lesbian but wen puberty hit me it was all wrong. I kept thinkin god i wish i had a beard. I got jelly of this indian guy in my class with his FULL on beard at 15. My tits growing in sucked more. I never looked at my chest again for years. I only know wat trans is after meeting a transboi thru scool!
Give Free Love
Be Peaceful
Stay Outta Other's Business
;)
Ive wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. I remember when I was very little like 3 or 4 having a bath with a friend who is a cIs girl, and realised we were different, which really shocked me I thought we were the same until then. I noticed that both her and my mum had a scar under their knee a few years later (like 5)...and for some reason drew the link that if I gave myself a scar in the same place id be a girl...needless to say that did not go well ;D ::)
...
I was first diagnosed with depression at 6 which was the age I realised I wouldn't be a girl and assigned that part of me to never ever dreams, like being a character in a movie or fairy tale, that it would never happen. Life felt pretty bleak tbh
At 10 I hit puberty which was not fun, even less fun was 'the talk' when I realised just how different girls and boys are. I found out what trans was though and I knew that I was it which gave me so much hope :D
And from then it took me eight years to do anything so yay :p
I think I had wanted to be a boy since puberty but it didn't hit me until I pretended to be a boy online. I got a deviantart account where I was male and realized I felt more comfortable as male than female. I'd had that male account since late July but it didn't hit me until August. It was like a switch went off in my head. I was no longer in denial. I guess my feelings showed when I was ready for them.
I didn't. I knew I was not what other people saw. It was confusing to put it lightly. I knew what I was and always wondered at their blindness.
I'd often go through periods when I found myself thinking about my gender a lot, often as a result of a dischord between my feelings and my biological gender. It didn't matter that these feelings were intermittent rather than constant because I recall a history of these feelings, characterised by wanting to be. Thankfully when they do arise, they aren't very strong (though female exclusion bothers me more than normal).
I knew something was wrong from a fairly early age, but being trans was at the bottom of the list - actually, not even on the list to begin with.
First thoughts - this is what all guys feel. Then perhaps I'm gay. Maybe focusing on school and work would cure me. Didn't work, so figured girls and marriage would straighten me out. Nah. Then thought it was depression, but meds didn't cure that. Eventually there was nothing left other than being trans.
It's a shame I grew up in a time when being trans was completely outside the scope of acceptability, and when I had no access to the internet to help me find information about what I was going through. I'd have found out who I was far earlier and not spent a couple of decades going down a very wrong path in life.
So for me, I guess it was a process of elimination.
At 6 I asked my mum if for my birthday I could become a princess for my present. Asked her if it meant I would be a girl for real. She FREAKED!!!
At 12 I chose to be a prostitute for Halloween because to quote myself, "I want to be pretty and have guys attracted to me."
At 14 I started stealing my mums lingerie.
At 16 I had a full female wardrobe and wigs.
At 19 I realized what it was that I was facing, transexualism/transgendered nature.
At 22 I began transitioning with HRT.
At 34 I am finally looking at having surgeries done by 35.
I guess it boils down to I always really knew, even when I did not know what it was I knew.
Kami
I had completely repressed the girl side of me. This must have started at a real early age and so I was completely oblivious to the being transgender despite all the obvious signs. At age 56 I was reading a forum thread with a title much like this one and found a number of posts by trans women, each talking about what it had been like before they discovered they were transgender. They listed about 10 behaviors, fantasies and actions, including-
- cross dressing from an early age and throughout much of their lives (I was an opportunistic dresser. If there were cloths and an opportunity, it was an unstoppable urge.)
- When seeing an attractive woman they seldom had sexual thoughts, but instead imagined what it might be like to be her, or to be dressed as she was.
- Played games with a female avatar
- no/little interest/success with sex with women. Or just feeling uncomfortable that way.
- Finding sexual release only by imagining themselves the woman, rather than the guy.
When I finished reading the list I realized I shared almost all the traits they listed. At that moment my view of who I was began to change and continued to change as I investigated my feminine side with the help of a gender counselor.
I should also mention that I had been struggling with depression, having trouble finding anything to interest myself - all my old interests falling away. As I have begun to find out more about myself I have found a reason to go on with life and even, for brief moments, some happiness.
Now I look back at my life and wonder how I could not have known long ago. The signs were everywhere and it is obvious that the gender issue has affected me all my life.
The voices told me...
I had a "fascination" with beautiful women from the time I was very little (4 or 5)...I was just so enamored by them and how they talked, how they walked, what they wore... And, I always got butterflies in my stomach whenever I read or saw in TV/movies anything transformative (when one person transforms or becomes someone else), whether it be a superhero, in a sci-fi movie, someone wearing a disguise, whatever. I used have a Play-Doh set where you could mold different figures, and I would aimlessly transform them from male to female and back again. However, my weird feelings were vague at the time, and while I wasn't into sports or trucks, I never played with dolls (well, I played with a lot of action figures...) or wanted to wear dresses, either. I think the "epiphany" happened when I was around 10 and saw the movie "Annie", and everything finally came together and I realized that I wanted to be her. From then on out, it was all I could think about. Of course, like most things in my life, it didn't quite work out the way I intended... ::)
As early as 4, maybe 5yo, I was wearing my mom's big winter boots with the rabbit fur linings. Soon I found her pantyhose and raided her wardrobe and makeup often. By the time puberty hit at the age of 12-13, a dark cloud above entered into my life. Age of 25 God cured my crossdressing. Yay! I knew I was blessed by that no doubt! Yet the GD went underground and went away. The last few years it came on heavy and this past few months had my fork-in-the-road moment.
When I was younger, even these days, I'm in awe of great makeup, excellent hairstyles, fashion, shoes, boots, purses, jewelry, etc.
Suspected that possibility since I was a kid.
Didn't know absolutely 100% for sure that I was transsexual material until I took HRT and felt awesome.
I knew I was "different" when I was 4 years old. I learned to utterly fear & hide that difference when I was 5 and an adult threatened to murder me, cut me into tiny pieces so I would never be found for playing house with his daughter. That scar cut deeeeeeeeeep for many years. Then around 13 I learned what transgender was from a woman's magazine and suddenly my whole world came crashing down as I finally knew why I felt the way I did and then at the same time I was so scared to even admit I was trans because the person's life in the magazine became so bad in the USA that they had to leave the country to transition. So I spent the next 16 years trying my hardest to be someone I wasn't until I almost gave up and checked out of this world but luckily I survived and have had a very successful work & social transition. Only my immediate family is still struggling with me being trans and making things very difficult sadly.
Dressed in female clothes at every opportunity. My mom caught me a few times. Earliest was 4 when I tried on her pantyhose. Latest before I came out was a few months ago.
Dressed with the help of some of my relatives (cousins/aunts) they said I looked good as a girl. I was over the moon.
Frequently viewed myself in the female context in life.
Posed like a girl in family pics.
Was extremely miserable during puberty.
Viewed cis girls with envy.
Viewed transsexuals with awe. When I first heard the words "sex change" I was extremely intrigued. But I never thought I would do it myself. Societal shaming was strong.
Fast forward to my adult life. Self medicated HRT for a couple months. The world completely lit up and I felt peace for the first time in my life. I don't condone self medication but it was an awakening.
There is a lot more but it wasn't just one event. What made it click though was finally getting enough E in my system to feel what it is like and I loved it.
Putting it all together took way too long for me and I really should have known earlier as i was out as queer/bi most of my adult life. Similar to to so many of us I was only sure of one thing and that was who I looked like was not who I am. I felt completely alone, weird and alienated. No one I knew felt like I did. Later I met trans people but they were content to be mostly closeted crossdressers or totally binary with no middle ground.
Two years ago I attended a diversity presentation about transgender people with the person presenting as non or agender. The rest came very quickly and with real certainty that the only clear path for me was to be myself.
I didn't. And still don't.
All I know is that I'm me. And the me that I feel isn't the me that I see. That's all I know. And... well, that's enough.
For me all the clues were there for as long as I could remember. After years of trying to ignore/overcome my feelings I decided to start researching what was wrong with me. After finding many accounts of transgender people who's experiences seemed very similar to mine I concluded that I was likely trans.
After my last few weeks of gender therapy with a good therapist who seems to ask all the right questions, and a lot of introspection I'm 99% sure that I'm transgender. I doubt I'll ever be 100% sure, but labels don't really matter, all that matters is that I do what I need to do make myself happy
Found an easier answer! I didn't knew I was trans until people started calling my identity that. Yup.. that sums it up o.o.
talking to a long time friend (that originally thaught i was a girl online) about how much i hated being a guy and how i was wishing i were actually a girl and how long id been thinking like that, and she sent me a link to wikipedia on transgender.
When I was 14 one of the older boys at school rode past on his BSA motorbike with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wanted to be the boy on the bike,I wanted to be the girl
Only yesterday did I realize that I'm pretty comfortable identifying as trans, though I'm not sure I'd be so quick to label myself as FtM, giving it some more time. I'm just going to go along with what feels right, and that seems to be changing by the hour these days. Sometimes I think I should still think some more before "deciding" that I'm trans, but it just makes me so happy when I think of myself this way that I sometimes feel it must be real.
I suppose the realization hit me about two months ago, it's just taken this long for me to be able to articulate it and then come to terms with it and accept it. I was having an argument with my mom about how I refuse to dress in a feminine way, and while she was going on and on, my brain was thinking "this isn't me, now I know why I don't care about how I dress, it's because this isn't me." And that's how it all started. Since then it's been a lot of thinking, going over memories and seeing everything just fall into place and make much more sense in light of this revelation.
Still trying to figure things out, but if I'm absolutely sure of one thing at least, it's that I hate being called a woman and that I can never call myself one or think of myself as a woman. I suppose that makes me trans.
A handful of female friends dressing me up as a girl and teaching me how to keep my vagina clean, pretty much sealed the deal.
I should also add that half of my sexual fantasies either IRL or with porn were me as the girl on the receiving end. I actually felt better about that than I did about me being on the "giving" end.
I have always struggled with being a girl, starting right as a child. However, it wasn't until recently that the light bulb went off - that maybe there is a reason that I feel the way that I do. When I found this forum - I realized how many people there were that felt just like I did. When I sleep at night, In my dreams for as long as I can remember I am male - even as a child I always dreamed I was a boy. As an adult, I identify sexually with the male role as opposed to the female role, and I am attracted to men.
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It was a long process, and it went in stages. I remember discovering that I really liked girl things and could care less about most boy things when my sister and I started receiving different/gendered presents. As soon as I entered primary school, I remember easily getting girl friends, while finding boys in general to be scary, boring and often stupid. I didn't refuse to play with boys, but I never did so on my own initiative. I also remember what I now recognize as genital dysphoria from the moment I realized genitals were different.
I didn't however identify as a girl as a child, simply because I was told in school and elsewhere that girls have girl parts and boys have boy parts. I always took instruction literally, so hence I was a boy. I just hated being one, and increasingly so. I finally realized what I am when I read an article about transitioning in my early/mid teens, but I also realized from how people spoke about it that I should keep my wish to myself, and I repressed it, badly enough that I was not consciously aware of it for more than one and a half decade. I did everything to become more masculine, up to a point where my high school classmates nicknamed me G.I. Jane. I wish I had taken the hint back then...
It all started coming back around three years ago, when I found myself reading about trans* increasingly often, while gradually becoming more dysphoric, because of increased body- and facial hair and other changes. I still however managed to convince myself that it was only that I didn't like growing older, and things like that. It ended with complete collapse around a year ago, which forced the final realization. Since then, I've also had many memories coming back, and life makes a lot more sense.
I never knew that I was transgender until after I came out as a cross dresser. Aside from always feeling that I was different, I never had an inkling. Then one day at age 56, I got the urge to try on my spouse's skirt. That set the wheels into motion which I couldn't stop. A short time after coming out as a CD, I felt that my feelings ran deeper than clothing. After further research I saw the word 'transgender'. Right then it clicked for me.
:)
I "knew" when little that I wanted to be more like the girls than the boys. As a young teen I knew I wanted to be a girl. But then figured it was a phase or I was strange so buried it all. So I know now because the feelings refuse to "go away" and now they are stronger than ever. When I look in the mirror I see Sarah....
I didn't even know the meaning of teh word (or the word!) for quite some time.
AOL's "The Gazebo" was the first place I really learned anything....
For me, it was odd little quirks. LOTS of odd quirks.
For example, at the pool, about... 7, 8 maybe? I envied the girls their sleek forms. I was embarassed by my body - notably, that certain parts "stuck out" in a wet swim suit.
In grade school, I carried my books up against my chest, like a girl. Just imprinted on it. No boobs to protect, but...
Liked nail polish, too.
I liked and like form-fitting clothes (not that I can wear them at this time - third time I need to lose the weight. Being a computer geek sucks.) Of course, a guy who wears tight clothes (even if he grew up in the 80s) is gay. (BS, of course, but anyway...)
But girls? Most of the wardrobe is meant to accentuate their figure. Show more here, exaggerate there, make mountains out of molehills, emphasize the cleavage, the hips, hide the shoulders (anyone else remember shoulder pads? ;-) ), draw attention to "the goods."
Man advertises by the cost of his suit - but no one really can eyeball the difference between well-fitted "off the rack" and hand-taiored Parisian suits.
Even _I_ can tell the difference between Walmart, K-Mart, JCPennys, Macys, and Gucci or Chanel or Kors or Yves St. Laurent.
IN ORDER, mind, and I'm genetic male, and don't really pay attention to style! it all goes to how well "put together" she is. Whereas.... A suit is a suit is a suit, unless it's a sub-par OTR without any tailoring. (In which case, you look like a low-grade detective in a cop flick, or a Secret Service "tool".)
IE, you can tell "walmart" from Brooks Brothers or Men's Wearhouse. but harder to distinguish between Mens' Wearhouse and Brooks Brothers.
Back on topic:
I never cared about "girls" the same way the other guys seemed to.
More nurturing, a lot less dominating.
Wanting to be cultured, softer, genteel - never cared for the rough-and-tumble of the boys. King of the hill? OK. rugby/football? No thanks. Even king of the hill was an infrequent thing...
Wanted to look like the girls, get close to them, and then "get closer", sure - but it wasn't a "Bend her over" sort of thing, pardon the bluntness. More of a seduction, lots of emotion, cuddling, touching.
Puberty came a little late but hit like a <CENSORED> hammer on an anvil, repeatedly. Still wanted women, disliked how my body was developing - hair in places I didn't want, for example - but weird blending, too. I liked having a goatee - maybe to hide who I am? Others have commented on the same.... young guys in "command" positions frequently grow facial hair as a mask, but also as "authority" mask. So, it hides facial expressions and tics a bit, but also makes them look older and more capable. Probably rooted in barabarian times (Romans shaved, for example. Barbarians did not...)
I didn't want hair on my legs, though... Nor arms.
Didn't want the mass - though I LOVED the strength. (As an aside: I was the one they picked on in grade school. They = EVERYONE. Came out without a testicle... God I hated Catholic Parochial School. And "without" means ruptured, actual condition unknown. but it's "unwound" if you'll forgive the descriptiveness....)
I could talk with the girls without any issues. Was always called Mature for my age. (then I found that "being mature" meant being everyone's draught horse/mule/sherpa.)
I could compartmentalize my brain - something women are "famous" for, as in multi-tasking. Able to run three conversations at once with different people. Not miss a beat.
Wanted boobs since.... Well, I HAD boobs since. (no typo) I was chesty as a pre-pubescent boy, had girlish "tits" - but no tissue at the time, just fat. It must've been aparrent to all, though (I wasn't skinny since... 3rd grade?) - I came in in a V-neck undershirt one day and the boys said I was wearing a bra. Had to prove I wasnt.
If they only knew I had already been wearing bras for years! Just - I already knew (Irish-Italian Roman Catholic indoctrination) it was "wrong." So I learned to suppress things early on, and learned to hide who and what I was. so successfull that now I don't even know who I am!
But hopefully I'll figure that out soon. At 39, I'm not about to let this fester any more. Holding the body in rigid postures? Proving myself every day? What's the point? No fun, no relaxation, just an endless task list of "NEXT!"... EFF THAT.
I won't mess upt he board with a rant, but: It's worth it to check out the PUA sites as well, especially Roissy in D.C. (IIRC, now it's citizen renegade, but Roissy will still get you th blog.) Just check out the rules... And to note (as a final "reason") - I'VE SEEN AND DONE THIS. I KNOW how it works from trial and error - and from being on the (unintended) RECEIVING side. Just as an OBSERVER. I KNEW the guys talking were FULL OF IT, as they chatted up our other co-worker.... I worked with all of them, SAME DEPARTMENT. for 6 years at that time.
BUT IT WAS HAVING THE DESIRED EFFECT ON ME - And I'm not attracted to men!
So... :-P
Yeah, maybe I need to get into therapy and start peeling the mask away. Or maybe just make a decision, and force things that don't QUITE fit to conform, until I can sort it all out.