Hi everybody.
I came to this forum cause my dysphoria has just been out of control lately and I've been miserably depressed. I've known since I was really little that I've wanted to be a girl, that I felt like I should've been one, and I've just kept it pushed so far down that I can't keep it down anymore. But I am ashamed. I'm in my senior year of an engineering program at university and everybody I have to associate with knows me as my boy persona. I came out to a support group that meets at another nearby college, and they were super supportive, but to the rest of the world I am not out at all. I am terrrified to come out and sort of wondering wtf the point will even be, because I'll never really be a girl. I just feel like a failure of a boy and stuck in between either sex. Guys don't want to associate with me because I'm too feminine, and girls don't want to associate with me because I'll never be a real girl, just an imposter, a fake, not real, and they have no reason to be attracted to my male persona because I'm a bum and only ever wear the same old sweats and jeans. I don't want to live as a gay man, I'm attracted to both sexes and would honestly rather partner with either a FtM or an accepting woman, because most cis men have treated me like ->-bleeped-<- my entire life, almost universally.
All I know is I'm so depressed in my boy life it's affecting every aspect of my life. I'm afraid and anxious to be in front of people because of how I walk, how I dress, move, sound, etc.. I don't have close friends. My eating habits aren't very good and I think I'm usually malnourished and dehydrated, plus I have a tendency to drink too much on the weekends, though I've been cutting back. I did quit smoking weed two weeks ago though, so thats a positive. I can't focus on school and with the semester winding down I have so much due and projects to turn in, presentations to make, etc...
I have been trying for weeks to find a gender therapist in this area that takes my insurance and there aren't any. On top of all this I recently found out that because of a mess-up in planning my classes I don't think I'll be able to graduate this may, meaning I'll likely have to take two more semesters, or one more semester and summer classes.
Just, can anyone help me? I don't know what to do and my life feels so stagnant I'm going crazy. I don't want to be an engineer. Most days it's so hard for me to even get out of bed, and I'm so tired of being laughed at and whispered about and thought of as a joke. I have repressed it so much that now its just bubbling up and people can tell I'm some type of queer and whenever people walk by me or are around me they go quiet and avoid eye contact by any means necessary. I hate it, it makes me feel worthless. There are just so many beautiful cis girls at my school and I'm so envious of them, I can't lie. What the heck do I do? I'm about 5'11-6'0", ~180 lbs, definitely not fat but not exactly with a feminine figure. I have relatively minimal facial hair, just upper lip and chin with really weak patchy sideburns.. could never grow a full beard for the life of me. if I lose weight and get on HRT, learn makeup and how to dress, you think I'll eventually be able to pass? I'm 21 years old. Definitely don't have a wicked deep voice but it's not exactly a girl's voice either. I don't understand why I am this way and if I do decide to transition I just want to be treated with dignity, but I know I won't. I've been teased and bullied my whole life, probably cause people could just sense it about me. Its one thing for society to accept gay people, but there is so much stigma against trans people I don't understand it. If I could just be happy in my male life, i would, obviously, but it doesn't feel like I can. I am just so lonely. Can anyone give me any advice or support? I am really feeling like I'm at my wits' end lately. Thanks & Much love.
given your turmoil your best bet would be gender therapy, it will help
Since you've joined a support group perhaps you could make some friends in similar condition and escape your solitude?
Hugs
First of all don't focus on all of your problems at once, that is the surest way to become overwhelmed. Try to deal with your problems one or two at a time. Try to finish your degree, even if you don't want to be an engineer a degree will allow you to possibly get a job teaching english oversees. It might also open up other opportunities for you as well.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, people might just be picking up on your own self loathing more then anything else. Women and men socialize differently as you start to transition (hopefully disliking yourself less) you may find that women are more willing to accept you into their ranks.
As for being able to transition well, take a look at Grace Jones, she is a cis woman. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Many here have turned into beautiful women when they thought it was an impossibility when starting.
I did make a couple friends but they're at a different college and already gone on Thanksgiving break. So there's some hope for good times with them when we get back but until them I'm kinda on my own again.
And @stephaniec, I have been trying to find a therapist that takes my insurance, there are none nearby that do and I simply don't have the money to pay out of pocket. My parents might be able to help if I come out to them, but I haven't yet. I was thinking about trying to work up the courage to tell them after thanksgiving, but I'm just so nervous.
is there a psychologist at the university health center
Hi Stevie.
I know how you feel about a lot of this stuff. I was also very conflicted and crippled by anxiety about almost everything when I was at university (college ofc), and I also had a lot of trouble making close friends. Although like you I did make a couple I did not keep in touch with anyone I met there. I stayed in bed until I had to get up for my lectures, when I went to them. I smoked weed every day and drank too much when I went out with people I went out with. I didn't care much about my appearance and probably looked like a bum too most of the time.
I powered through though, and managed to get my degree. When I got home it took me a few months but I came out to my parents. It got delayed by the NHS (UK) but I eventually got onto HRT and you know what I actually feel so much better than I have in a long long time. I am also 6ft tall but that is fine, loads of women are 6ft tall. I had a very deep voice but through training I am almost with a really good one. I have a full beard all over my damn face but I am getting it zapped off. You are also still really young, I am 26 now and am having good results so far with HRT, they would be even better if I could actually put on weight! So if you get fit and on HRT you will prob have really great results.
I wish I could give you some advice but really I barely coped and pretty much all of my coping mechanisms were negative ones, that I cannot condone. It was the only way I could hold on though so they served their purposes. I just want you to know you can do this and that you are not alone in having these feelings. Try and keep off the weed, all it does is help you bury your problems. Which means they will only come back worse later. Try and finish your studies well, you don't want all this bull**** to have been for nothing. Plus having a degree will help you a lot later on when you need to pay for transition related stuff!
Quote from: stevie21 on November 22, 2014, 12:08:55 PM
I did make a couple friends but they're at a different college and already gone on Thanksgiving break. So there's some hope for good times with them when we get back but until them I'm kinda on my own again.
And @stephaniec, I have been trying to find a therapist that takes my insurance, there are none nearby that do and I simply don't have the money to pay out of pocket. My parents might be able to help if I come out to them, but I haven't yet. I was thinking about trying to work up the courage to tell them after thanksgiving, but I'm just so nervous.
Sent you an email that may help... ;)
I hope
Thanks everybody. I'm doing my best. There are counselors at the center for psychological health but the only way you can get seen same-day is to go in in crisis. And they're not open till Monday, and with all my school stuff going on I don't have time to go in. So I'm going to try to make an appointment to see them sometime after thanksgiving. I am thinking about maybe telling my parents sometime after thanksgiving but I'm so nervous.
On the plus side, once you finish uni, get out in the real world, start a career, much of those peer pressure things will be a bad memory. Like me ( EE class of pre-jurasaic) you can bury your energies in that for a while. I heavily relied on my 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial, to get by. Full-disclosure, right after graduation and landing a job was also the time I started my first experiment with transitioning. Having a negative self-esteem soon derailed that experiment as well as the follow on one several years later.
Shame and guilt are difficult to deal with. Unlearning a lifetime of unhealthy responses to feeling how you do takes time. Over time guilt and shame become well entrenched. So much so you don't even realize they are exactly why you say and do the things you do. They helped fuel my negative self esteem. Living a lie led to feeling I did not deserve any of the wonderful gifts in my life. Even those that I worked my but off for, they were still undeserved. Just something I did to be a normal guy. Nothing more special then every other normal guy stuff I needed to do.
My TG support group was instrumental in helping me turn my life around. A couple of angels there even more so. Presenting as female for the meetings made it all the better. Being in a living room filled with others whose life stories in many ways was mine totally floored me. Seeing a therapist helped with the tons of baggage I had. In time I even dared to go as Joanne. Not long after that I started venturing out elsewhere as Joanne.
Newly acquired self esteem, self confidence, unlearning bad ways of thinking, acquiring healthier ways to think of myself and thus react to life's challenges, finally feeling happy being in my own skin all help me today as I walk this edge of presenting male. Balancing my competing needs and wants is often a challenge. So far it is working. My life is working. I am still recovering as a person. Still learning what it is like to be a for real person.
Taking on the trans beast, for real, has been the single best thing I've ever done in my life. I don't regret not doing it earlier. I did not have the tools nor the skills to survive. Two failed experiments in my 20s made that pretty clear. There are as many ways to deal with GD as there are degrees of GD. Learning about yourself is a necessary first step. It is the most difficult step also especially since it is a moving living breathing target. How you feel today, your needs, your desires, your wants, your hopes, wishes and dreams are going to be different as you grow as a person. A plain ole therapist can help. If you can, a for real gender therapist I found is even better
Thanks Joanne. I'm really trying to find a gender therapist that I can talk to you. By the way, you look really pretty in your avi :) Thanks for the kind words.
Last night I hung out all night in the LGBT center at my Uni, they were having an event and it was great, I was totally honest and explained my situation, how I felt and they were so nice. Made me feel like I'm not an alien and even used she/her pronouns without batting an eye. Crazy experience. Back to my boy life for school but chilling like that all night really helped reduce the dysphoria to the backburner. Now the big question on my mind is when to tell parents. I'm thinking of maybe the weekend after thanksgiving if I've got the courage, or maybe winter break once the semester's over.
Just looking at what you said about yourself physically and you're almost identical to me. It's insane how feminine you can look. I'm still pre everything but I was really surprised at how different I looked in female clothes and with a bit of makeup on, even without a wig I looked a lot different. Unless you do your makeup like a clown, you can most likely pass.
Quote from: stevie21 on November 22, 2014, 11:46:38 AM
if I lose weight and get on HRT, learn makeup and how to dress, you think I'll eventually be able to pass? I'm 21 years old. Definitely don't have a wicked deep voice but it's not exactly a girl's voice either. I don't understand why I am this way and if I do decide to transition I just want to be treated with dignity, but I know I won't. I've been teased and bullied my whole life, probably cause people could just sense it about me. Its one thing for society to accept gay people, but there is so much stigma against trans people I don't understand it. If I could just be happy in my male life, i would, obviously, but it doesn't feel like I can. I am just so lonely. Can anyone give me any advice or support? I am really feeling like I'm at my wits' end lately. Thanks & Much love.
Will you be able to pass? I thought I would NEVER pass, and I am still pre HRT (starting in a little over a week, I think). Yet I've gone out a few times and passed no problem, at least until I spoke. I wear no makeup at all. And that's because I just don't know how to do it, but I'll learn.
The voice you can work on with training or if you really need it, surgery.
I think the therapist is your best bet right now.
Quote from: stevie21 on November 23, 2014, 05:17:26 PM
Thanks Joanne. I'm really trying to find a gender therapist that I can talk to you. By the way, you look really pretty in your avi :) Thanks for the kind words.
Last night I hung out all night in the LGBT center at my Uni, they were having an event and it was great, I was totally honest and explained my situation, how I felt and they were so nice. Made me feel like I'm not an alien and even used she/her pronouns without batting an eye. Crazy experience. Back to my boy life for school but chilling like that all night really helped reduce the dysphoria to the backburner. Now the big question on my mind is when to tell parents. I'm thinking of maybe the weekend after thanksgiving if I've got the courage, or maybe winter break once the semester's over.
Thanks Stevie
But why tell at all? Are you planning on immediately making a social transition? Or, just dipping your toe in the water untill you figure out for sure what may be right for you... today? Or, are you planning on mom changing her mind about what clothes to buy for presents?
Well my mom is extremely chronically ill and disabled, and I would like to come clean with her eventually so we could have some time together with me being honest before she passes. I know that sounds awful but with her conditions she could stick around for a while, or she could pass in her sleep, and I don't want to lose the chance to be honest with her, since she's my mom and I think deep down she knows. Plus I just figure since I still live with them when I'm not at school, am pretty much still dependent on them financially and for insurance, coming clean with them will help us hopefully look for an insurance that covers trans-related stuff when our coverage expires at the end of January. Plus I could at least have their support with getting hormones + clothes, and dressing, learning makeup, being myself at home to get comfortable getting myself together before trying to present to the world. Honestly, I don't know about an IMMEDIATE transition, but I'd like to see myself begin somewhere in the not-to-distant future.. If I'm thinking about this every day and its affecting my life, entering my dreams nightly, and I'm getting support from people around me, whats the point of still hiding and being unhappy?
Quote from: speckyhailey on November 23, 2014, 05:38:20 PM
Just looking at what you said about yourself physically and you're almost identical to me. It's insane how feminine you can look. I'm still pre everything but I was really surprised at how different I looked in female clothes and with a bit of makeup on, even without a wig I looked a lot different. Unless you do your makeup like a clown, you can most likely pass.
;D ;D ;D ;D
This makes me feel good. Plus I know that even though I'm muscular and large, I do have a nice big round butt. And a curve there.. sure I don't have an hourglass figure from the front or back but from the side I've definitely got the S. And I can't stop it from wagging for the life of me so hopefully that bodes well for a sexy walk one day :P
well, you know your parents the best. It would be the best way to go to ask for their help
Hi Stevie,
Sending you biiiig cyber huggles! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: I can really sympathize with your situation though I've known I was all girl since very early childhood. But being very feminine in appearance while trying (and in my case failing miserably) to present as male I can relate to all too well. I actually had my male fail 6 years ago long before my hrt, and was forced to go full time. That's me in my Avatar photo taken a lil over 2 months ago. I am now a lil over 10 months in on hrt and am never ever looking back. Also, you are quite young which is in your favor. Me, I just turned 50 this past Halloween.
Just remember we are here to support you hun and things can and will get better. :icon_joy:
Ally :icon_flower:
Well, it's my first post here, but - I'll take a different tack from most.
First, you've got some MAJOR advantages: Young and in Uni.
A few steps to consider which will make YOU happier with YOU, regardless of anything else:
- First, going to be counter-intuitive: CLEAN UP! PICK YOURSELF UP BY YOUR TITS AND SHAKE YOURSELF OUT!
I know it's a heartless thing to say, but it's KEY you start with the internal game first. NO ONE ELSE MATTERS, only YOU, in this stage. You need to apply some tough love to yourself. Don't like what you see in the mirror? YOU must change it - no one else can. I'd suggest you use things as a diversion and distraction, but they'll also pay long-term dividends. There are three sub-categories to consider:
1. Exercise. I love the gym, I lift like a man (I'd be MTF TG, BTW). I like being strong, I like being fast. If I go towards transition, I'll lose most of that, but I can still be a strong-@$$ woman, ya know? Long as I don't look like Nicole Bass, say. :-P
There are other versions, though. Yoga and Bellydance would be two GREAT options. Vinyasa (flow) or Hot yoga, for example - if you have any body fat, it'll get torched. You don't want a belly, because that means you're male. :-( Bellydance will feminise your mind and body, too. There are DVDs, you should be able to work it around a roommate schedule if necessary.
In the same vein, clean up your diet as much as possible. Eat a Paleo-based woman diet: High Protein, low carb, cut out the starchy vegetables. IE, avoid potatoes, yams, carrots, most fruits, ESP fruit juices - they all boil down to sugars. So do refined carbs - IE, pasta, bread. FURTHER, they act like opiates in the system, WRT addiction. Avoid the garbage, eat real (unrefined) foods. Compromise would be things like tuna, which you'll get processed (canned). Once you burn through the "carb flu," you'll have a clearer head and feel better. Also, be able to lose weight (fat) if you want. Side not,e don't EVER aim to burn off muscle; just target fat burning. Two or three sessions a day for short-term activity is better than one long, grueling session. 2-3 15-20 minute HIIT sessions > 1 4-hour Steady-State Aerobics session. Strength training at least 1/week, too - don't want to be a flabby girl, right? Just don't want to be a mucclehead either. Muscle is more active than fat, so you'll get skinnier keepign muscle, it's a big deal. Also avoids osteoporosis.
2. Underdress or even crossdress in innocuous ways. Boyish girl clothes, if you will. Wear a Genie Bra or sports bra, maybe even use enhancers to make YOU feel better. The key here, though, is: GTFO OF THE SAME GRUNGY CLOTHES! That's how a GUY acts! You need to CARE about your appearance. Others will pick up on your depression and negative energies - don't let them SEE IT from your clothes. ;-)
Look into mens shirts for button-downs. (women's will button on the "wrong" side, which might be OK for you - but others will notice, be aware.) Women's pants will be "close enough" that most people won't notice.
Choose fitted shirts when possible, women's T's and such when androgynous. (This is all predicated on not being "out". If you come out, it won't likely matter.) Choose things that are robust - IE, stay away from hose, no matter HOW MUCH you want them; they're a lousy and costly investment, as they run frequently even with good handling. tights, Eh... YMMV. (Your mileage may vary.) If you're muscular (As I am in the legs - soccer Calves, as a GF called them), then it's not likely worth it. But for lounging around, you could do stretch pants, like leggings (Jeggings, IIRC, would work.)
3. Subtle things that will ease your mind are essential here. Example, shaving your legs. Not exactly time for shorts here! ;-) It's EFFING cold up in Boston, and there are MUCH colder places - even Texas, right now.
Start teaching yourself makeup while no one is around. Work on plucking your eyebrows into a good (androgynous if not out) shape. Get a pedicure - you can go in Guy mode, it's no big thing any more. you can even go for a manicure - just ask for a men's manicure, it'll probably ease things. Massages also help - release stress. Just keep the budget in mind, of course.
You're likely at a point similar to me, the "I hate myself," or, "(Q) Are you suicidal? (A) Does the day end in 'Y'?" state. Difference is, you're about 20 years younger. :-( (Little Green Devil hates you. IE, Envy.)
Anyway - those you can do on your own, and make yourself over in a "feminine" self. Low cost, low impact.
- Counselling: Others mentioned this; you can look into online via skype as well, and look into paying cash if you have an income stream. I am in MA, where T* is protected by law. I STILL want to go pay cash out of pocket - I have my concerns about my government, and since we're still classified as "mentally ill" in the DSM V, I'm not anxious to have any record. Just because you're paranoid...
Anyway - the idea here is more of a "life coach" than straight up T*-counseling. Talking about what is bothering you, how to make yourself a better person, how to feel more "you", and to make sure you're going in the right direction. You don't want to go towards transition if you're going to hate yourself afterwards; that's just changing prisons. So a TG-focused "life coach" might be helpful, to sort out the "Who Am I" and the medical hoops you have to jump through....
More lasting options, depending on budget:
- Electrolysis, IPL, Laser beard reduction: Try Groupon or eBates, you might get deals. Electrolysis is esentail for gray or white hair, you likely don't ened to be concerned. Try for IPL or laser, you can even look into "home" versions and DIY (Do It yourself.) Costly investment, but versus the costs of the others for professional results? Could be worth it. YMMV - if misused, you can also scar your face or body, for example. But if you change your mind, no permanent changes to any "male" features, you just don't have a beard. So what? Unless (Like me) you hide behind a moustache or goatee...?
Long-term, potentially life-altering changes - APPROACH WITH CAUTION!
- Herbal breast enlargement - YMMV, outside of scope, might give you "DDs in a month", or "AAA in 5 years!" Depends on your DNA. I'd suggest you take up spearmint tea - it's an anti-androgen. Also, Saw Palmetto, part of many men's supplments, which will block DHT formation. If you're going down this path long-term, there will be major effects. You may become impotent and sterile. If that's OK, and you don't want kids, proceed at your own risk. I'm omitting other options for feminization as "off topic," but google is your friend. ;-) Supposedly can produce major feminisation, though, if you're one of the "gifted." As noted, some women get nothing after years of doing it "all correct," others get everything from no real work.
- online pharmacies: This is THE big step, of course - no coming back afterwards. You should plan for a clear face first, and you should do pharma-grade under supervision of an Endo. I don't give a <censored> myself, I have gone without - but then, I'm "stuck" in the middle now. I WAS robust and healthy at 18-25... ;-) didn't worry. Now I have some other concerns: spider veins along my ribs, for example. Can be cause from high Estrogen, I've read; also comes from high-sugar diet, which I've eaten. (Hence, Paleo as much as possible.)
I'd suggest you consider long-term issues like children first and foremost. If that's not an issue, you can push forward on whatever works. Baby steps add up! But first thing's first, while considering children et al for long term - do the simple things that'll help, like Spearmint Tea, Electrolysis, and dressing girl-androgynous (Jeans and t-shirt, but wear girl's underwear - that's essential! Bras, for example, are a big part of a woman's life... ;-) Just don't SHOW to show the world. Hence, the frumpy Genie Bra and sports bra and such.) Once you care about yourself - BEST produced by going in the direction you want (NEED) to go - everything else will fall into place.
An old story that puts things together, for an already too-long post:
Teacher put a box on the desk in front of the classroom.
filled it with rocks.
He asked the class, "Is the box full now?" They answered, "Yes."
He took a bag of pebbles, shook them in, and they filled spaces between the larger rocks.
Asked again, "Is the box full?" Again, everyone says "Yes."
He takes out a bag of sand, empties it into the spaces between rocks and pebbles....
Asks again, "Is it full yet?" Everyone is confused, they can see the box is packed tight.... But a few answer, "No" this time...
And the prof takes a pitcher of water, and fills the box again.... All the water goes in the spaces still remaining...
At this point, he asks if he could fit the rocks in, had he started with the sand? Of course, everyone says, "No."
The elsson, the Professor said, is to place the big, key things in life FIRST. Of course you can't add the rocks after the pebbles and sand are in the box; they won't fit. But with the rocks placed first, all the smaller things fit into place - one after the other. I took care of the big things first, so I could fit everything into the box - which represents my life. You need to follow this strategy in life: Get to the BIG things first. the little things only get tossed in at the last moment. they'll fit in somewhere - but if the important things aren't addressed first, you'll never get them placed in your life...
You've got a good time to get started, especially if you use anti-androgens NOW, before your skeleton is completely calcified. change your mind later? So you have a slighter, less "Macho" stature. Most men won't care, and women are attracted to all sorts of men. But if you don't address it ASAP, you might end up like me - 50" around the chest, some muscle, some fat - but at your thinnest, 40".... And broad enough to stick your shoulders in a 26" door frame. Can't just walk through, need to roll the shoulders... :-(
So, big decisions, baby steps, and you'll look back in a month or three, and say, "MAN, was I PATHETIC!" ;-)
BTW, a journal and photos can help with this - objective proof. :-)
Got nothing to lose by just delaying a few things (testosterone poisoning) - so go for it, and take the steps you can NOW. Worst case, you might decide you don't like it, and stay male... Best case, you find out where you want to go, how to get there, and realize the biggest details were already planned (and funded)! You'll be halfway down the road before you know it, and have an actual social life to boot!
:-) Good luck! Keep us posted, of course! :-)
The best age to start is as early as possible up to the 23 to 25 years old mark and what steyraug96 said is good advice.
some people believe phytoestrogens (herbal false estrogens) can have an effect but believe me they ain't that great, I used em before I knew about HRT or where to get it, I was 23½ or so n I used phytoestrogens for a hole year, they did next to nothing at all, even tho I was using lots of different ones, tho my skin did get a little softer n I felt a little more girlie (virtually a placebo effect) so if you do start transitioning, skip pytoestrogen n go straight for real estrogen, plus taking any even a slightly effective dose of phytoestrogens can be more dangerous then HRT, I just thought I'd add that encase you come across those websites that claim phytoestrogens work.