For Thanksgiving my mom wants me to "pretty myself up". She wants me to wear a skirt, makeup, everything! But that's not who I am anymore! I don't like putting on makeup and "looking pretty".
And to make it worse, my dad backed her up on it. They both know I'm transitioning so why make me be someone I'm not? I mean, sure it'sonly for one day but it's upsetting that they won't let me be myself
(You'll have to forgive me, I don't remember how old you are or what your life circumstances are - feel free to enlighten me.)
Option A: If your parents still take care of your expenses in any way that you could not afford to potentially take care of yourself, don't rock the boat. It's only for a few hours out of one day a year. Sure, it's bull->-bleeped-<- and it's ignorant on their part and uncomfortable for you. But I'd much rather put on a skirt and still have a roof over my head than not if it came down to it.
Option B: If you're independent or could afford to do without their assistance, dress how you like. What are they going to do, make you change? Change you themselves?
Ultimately it sounds like you need to have a firm conversation with them and reiterate that this isn't a phase you're going through and that changing the clothes you're in won't make you suddenly stop wanting to transition. Get real with them.
If it were me, I'd probably make swiftly certain that I don't have any female clothes of any sort to wear. What a shame it would be if suddenly all your girl clothes were donated to a nice charity right before the holidays ;D
I'm sorry I assumed things wrong.
Wear pants under the skirt to make your point at least.
I think Max has the right idea, it all depends on your situation.
If you have your own income and ability to buy your own clothes, they can't force you to dress any way.
But if you're dependent on them it might benefit you to simply put on a brave face for a day.
Try and sit them down and have a deep talk about this, it sounds like they don't understand you at all. Let them know how uncomfortable the idea of dressing up make you.
I think a great idea is for you to gather some stuff about FTMs, how they feel and why they are what they are, sit down with your family and explain to them how this would make you feel. Make your point, be clear, don't just give up on it and throw a skirt on.. If you do have to go through it it'll probably be your last time, since your parents will see it doesn't fit and they'll see how you feel being put in a girly situation when you're a dude.
Hope everything goes well :D
Quote from: Headsupbuddy on November 22, 2014, 07:15:30 PM
Try and sit them down and have a deep talk about this, it sounds like they don't understand you at all. Let them know how uncomfortable the idea of dressing up make you.
Sorry for poking my nose in here, but I would definitely second this, no matter what you do on the day.
It's tough, because if you feel like you have to do what they say because you're reliant on them, then... well, where does it stop, you know? What happens if they say they want you to do the whole fake girl act for Christmas? New Years? The first weekend in January when someone's coming round and you have to look 'just so'?
If they know you're transitioning, then... it's not fair to make you dress and act as someone they know you're not and don't want to be. It sounds like they're doing it for you to present an image to people of someone they want you to be. And I can't help feeling like if you do it, even just for one day, you're sending a message to them that it's okay for them to ask you to pretend to be female whenever it suits them. It isn't okay. They both know it's not who you are.
Ultimately, you know your circumstances, and the consequences of the call you make, sweetie. But what I would say is that if they already know you want to be yourself, and are taking steps to do that... well, you should be assertive in that. And let them know what your boundaries are and what you are, and aren't, prepared to do. People can only walk all over you if you allow them to. And it might not be in your best interests to set a precedent that leads to them being able to say things like "well you did it for Thanksgiving, what's the big deal?"
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 22, 2014, 06:01:01 PM
For Thanksgiving my mom wants me to "pretty myself up". She wants me to wear a skirt, makeup, everything! But that's not who I am anymore! I don't like putting on makeup and "looking pretty".
And to make it worse, my dad backed her up on it. They both know I'm transitioning so why make me be someone I'm not? I mean, sure it'sonly for one day but it's upsetting that they won't let me be myself
People who are under 18 years old are now allowed to say their ages on here. Are you still in high school? When I was still in high school if my parents said I had to do something, there wasn't really a choice to make. All you can do is ask them to please not force it on you. I wonder if it is because they know they are losing their "daughter" and want to see "her" one last time.
I personally would consider tossing all of the girl clothes after I got through the event they expect me to wear a dress for. For all you know, they will want you to dress up in girl's clothes at Christmas, too.
Your profile (and another post) reads that you are 21. As a 21 year old, I don't feel that your parents shouldn't force you do to anything, which brings me to another point: are they forcing you to dress up, or do they just want you to? If it is the latter, then I would try to talk with your parents and explain to them how this will make you feel (invalidated). If is the former, then maybe you can compromise to wear gender neutral clothes? Since it is Thanksgiving, maybe you can eat at a friend or another family member's house if you don't want to put up with it. If not, then maybe you can volunteer to help feed the homeless for that day. You would be doing a great cause as well as being able to get out the house.
Even as a teenager they couldn't force me to do stuff like that. If I didn't get my way I refused to come to the table.
You all make very good points. I am 21 and I feel it's demeaning to dress as a female, even if it's just for a few hours. And most of you make a valid point; if I do dress up this once, they might want me to do it again. I will have a long talk with them later today.
They would never kick me out. They would probably threaten it, but they would never follow through. They love me too much to put me on the streets. I know this for a fact.
So, I will gather them in the living room later today and talk to them. Thank you for all the advice and support
I think I remember you mentioning somewhere that your parents were supportive of you transitioning but taking it hard? If that's the case then maybe they're asking you to dress up as a girl as sort of a "be our little girl this one last time" type of thing. Since they're taking it pretty hard they may want to give themselves peace of mind just for the holiday by asking you to dress femininely so they can forget about you wanting to transition for a while and not have to be sad or stressed about it. Either that or they're testing you to see how committed you are to the idea of transitioning.
Oops, I just saw your last post about talking with them. Good luck, I hope it goes well!
Good luck -- I hope it goes well. Having my fingers crossed!
Thank you all. I might make a compromise with them, say I'll dress as a girl one last time and they can pick which holiday they want me to dress up.
I'd not dress as a female for anyone, regardless of the occasion. The closest I came was for a job interview where I couldn't afford to buy a new suit. Even then I just wore a male shirt, jumper and only the cut of the suit was feminine.
Quote from: Alexthecat on November 23, 2014, 01:46:03 AM
Even as a teenager they couldn't force me to do stuff like that. If I didn't get my way I refused to come to the table.
I suppose we all have different relationships with our guardians. I said in my post that being under 18 I would have had to go along with it, but at the same time, my parents weren't the type to demand something like that. Meaning, they wouldn't "demand" anything that they could see caused me significant distress. I was fortunate that way.
(of course, when I come out to my mother very soon...maybe even today depending on what she is up to, she will have no problem causing me great distress! lol)
Quote from: Brett on November 23, 2014, 08:34:17 AM
(of course, when I come out to my mother very soon...maybe even today depending on what she is up to, she will have no problem causing me great distress! lol)
I wish you loads of luck if you do it today! Make sure to tell us how it goes if you want :)
You could always get rid of the dresses before holidays. Then you have to wear male clothes.
Probably too late to reply in any useful way here, but I second Contravene. If it's hard for them, it might not be such a bad idea to go along with what they're asking, or at least find a compromise. Since they know you're transitioning and haven't taken it very badly, they almost certainly know that at some point you wouldn't pass as a girl very well even if you dressed up, and hence they know that they can't keep asking this of you. I think giving them the time to process all of what's going on is important. I don't imagine it's any easier on your parents than it is on you.
On the other hand, I also completely understand how difficult this is for you. Not yet transitioning myself, but a couple of weeks ago I had to go to a dear friend's engagement party. All-girls event, had to wear make up, a dress, heels, do my hair, all of that. And I must say that was the most awkward, uncomfortable thing ever. I was completely stressed out for the whole day leading up to the event, but I went to make my friend happy (that group of my friends aren't aware of what I'm currently going through so it wouldn't have made sense for me to excuse myself without going into a long explication of why I can't be there). Not fun, but sometimes necessary. But then again, you're out to your parents; though are you out to everyone else that's going to be there? Maybe they're not ready for everyone else to know too? Find out why they want you to dress up, their reason might be reasonable?
Oh, and I have two upcoming weddings I absolutely have to be at. As a dressed up girl. Fun.
But really, if your parents are supportive and are just having a hard time, I don't think you should push it with them.
Quote from: darkblade on November 23, 2014, 11:16:48 AM
Probably too late to reply in any useful way here, but I second Contravene. If it's hard for them, it might not be such a bad idea to go along with what they're asking, or at least find a compromise. Since they know you're transitioning and haven't taken it very badly, they almost certainly know that at some point you wouldn't pass as a girl very well even if you dressed up, and hence they know that they can't keep asking this of you. I think giving them the time to process all of what's going on is important. I don't imagine it's any easier on your parents than it is on you.
On the other hand, I also completely understand how difficult this is for you. Not yet transitioning myself, but a couple of weeks ago I had to go to a dear friend's engagement party. All-girls event, had to wear make up, a dress, heels, do my hair, all of that. And I must say that was the most awkward, uncomfortable thing ever. I was completely stressed out for the whole day leading up to the event, but I went to make my friend happy (that group of my friends aren't aware of what I'm currently going through so it wouldn't have made sense for me to excuse myself without going into a long explication of why I can't be there). Not fun, but sometimes necessary. But then again, you're out to your parents; though are you out to everyone else that's going to be there? Maybe they're not ready for everyone else to know too? Find out why they want you to dress up, their reason might be reasonable?
Oh, and I have two upcoming weddings I absolutely have to be at. As a dressed up girl. Fun.
But really, if your parents are supportive and are just having a hard time, I don't think you should push it with them.
You've got a point...I was already thinking of making a compromise with them lol
I wouldn't do it, or even compromise with them on it. I would flat out refuse. If you do it, you are saying that you are willing to compromise your identity for their comfort and that sets a bad precedent.
My mother asked me to dress up for one last picture so she could have a memory of me as a girl. She was great about my transition and I was so taken a back I said yes at first.
But I also felt terrible about it, and after asking for advice here I talked to her about how I felt about it and why she asked me. I didn't do it in the end and she was ok with that too.
It's not exactly the same as I would've dressed up for maybe 5 minutes, but I'm mentioning it because she didn't realise how upset I was by her asking that and when we talked about it she didn't want me to do it anymore either. I think that whatever you end up doing it's important to make it very clear that dressing up as something you're not, even for a short time makes you feel something. I know my mother would've felt awfull if I'd have done it and only later told her how terrible it made me feel and I think if your parents care a lot about you they would want to know too. And then you can still make a compromise with them.
If you give in now, they will keep on you. Tell them they have a choice. they can accept you for who you are, and that includes how you dress; or you can find someplace else to spend thanksgiving and christmas too if need be
Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them :(
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 23, 2014, 02:17:49 PM
Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them :(
I'm glad you were able to come to a comfortable decision for yourself. Let us know how it goes. Speaking of which...
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 23, 2014, 08:46:24 AM
I wish you loads of luck if you do it today! Make sure to tell us how it goes if you want :)
... I decided to go tell my mom today. It went ok. I think she is still in shock. She talked religion and all that (that maybe God could give me peace so that I didn't have to change sexes), but on the whole wasn't too bad. I think I may write a post about it.
Quote from: Brett on November 23, 2014, 04:54:49 PM
I'm glad you were able to come to a comfortable decision for yourself. Let us know how it goes. Speaking of which...
... I decided to go tell my mom today. It went ok. I think she is still in shock. She talked religion and all that (that maybe God could give me peace so that I didn't have to change sexes), but on the whole wasn't too bad. I think I may write a post about it.
Yes! I'd love to hear how it went in detail :)
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 23, 2014, 02:17:49 PM
Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them :(
Congrats! Glad you feel able to be yourself. I agree with others, if you aren't allowed to come dressed as yourself, go feed the homeless or find a friend to spend Thanksgiving with.
The best argument to use with a Christian is basically to point out that this is what gives you peace, and the turmoil that comes from fighting it. Then remind them that peace only comes from one place. Following the plan that has been laid out for you.
If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment. - Job 36:11
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. - Psalm 37:23
A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. - Proverbs 16:9
Well, I talked to my mom and told her how I felt about dressing up and she didn't take me seriously, no matter how many times I told her. I also told her that I was serious about transitioning and she said "just continue to go to therapy". Every time I told her how I wanted to transition she'd always say that. I think she's in denial.
I will try again later today because yesterday I had to leave to blow off some steam. Yelling at her wouldn't have solved anything anyway.
But it really pisses me off that every time I say I'm serious about transitioning, my mom says, "just continue therapy". I'm seriously considering spending thanksgiving with my other grandma...the only problem is, my dad's mom won't be on this earth much longer and my family is going to her assistant living home for Thanksgiving. That's why my parents want me to dress up...
I feel guilty every time I think about not spending time with my dad's mom, but she's so frail...I think I'd have more fun with my mom's mom. My mom's mom is open minded and if I tell her what's going on, she probably wouldn't care that I'm trans. Plus, I wouldn't have to "dress up" if I spent thanksgiving with her...
Man, I'm really sorry -- this sounds really, really frustrating. I think you did the right thing to stop the discussion when it became clear it was pointless to continue.
I think you should bring this up in therapy -- maybe you and your therapist can work out a good way to respond to your mom? It does sound like she needs some time.
Maybe writing your thoughts and feelings down in a letter could be helpful.
It's a hard decision about your grandmas. Is there any way for you to visit the one who is frail before or after thanksgiving on your own?
Sounds like your mom thinks therapy is going to 'fix' you into not being trans. Maybe she needs a therapy appointment herself.
Quote from: adrian on November 24, 2014, 05:43:53 AM
Man, I'm really sorry -- this sounds really, really frustrating. I think you did the right thing to stop the discussion when it became clear it was pointless to continue.
I think you should bring this up in therapy -- maybe you and your therapist can work out a good way to respond to your mom? It does sound like she needs some time.
Maybe writing your thoughts and feelings down in a letter could be helpful.
It's a hard decision about your grandmas. Is there any way for you to visit the one who is frail before or after thanksgiving on your own?
Yeah, I can visit my frail grandma after thanksgiving. That's a good idea actually. And unfortunately I don't have a therapy appt this week since it's Thanksgiving week. But I could call my therapist....
I always write down my feelings and thoughts...I've got an autobiography about my transition where I write how I feel and what I'm going through weekly. I'm hoping to get it published one day so that people who like to read can see what it's like to transition and how it affects us.
I've written a letter already but it didn't really help...unfortunately I write so much that I just don't get any relief from it anymore.
Quote from: Alexthecat on November 24, 2014, 06:11:43 AM
Sounds like your mom thinks therapy is going to 'fix' you into not being trans. Maybe she needs a therapy appointment herself.
Hahaha XD
My therapist actually suggested a parent support group for my parents but she wants my parents to go once I've had a few more sessions with her.
Ok, so maybe that's a plan then (two plans: visit the frail grandmother after thanksgiving and the parents support group :D).
To me it sounds like it could be beneficial for you and your family to let it rest for a while. It sounds like talking to them at this point isn't doing anything to improve the situation. So if you have a chance to take yourself out of this situation for a short while at least, maybe you should.
Maybe things will have calmed a little after Thanksgiving.
If you have a chance to call your therapist, I think I'd go for it. Just to get their opinion and maybe some extra support!
Yeah, thanks adrian and everyone else
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 24, 2014, 07:08:16 AM
Yeah, thanks adrian and everyone else
Blaine - sorry it isn't going the way you hoped. I think going to the other grandmothers and then visiting the frail one on a different day is a good one. The other thing that may be helpful is if you bring your mother into a therapy session. With the therapist there to back you up your mother will have a harder time staying in denial
Quote from: Susan on November 23, 2014, 11:28:17 PM
The best argument to use with a Christian is basically to point out that this is what gives you peace, and the turmoil that comes from fighting it. Then remind them that peace only comes from one place. Following the plan that has been laid out for you.
If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment. - Job 36:11
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. - Psalm 37:23
A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. - Proverbs 16:9
Thank you, Susan. That is one of the things I said to my mother. How does she not know that this is where God is "leading" me? God, gave man the tools to respond to people's gender dysphoria (hormones, surgery), so perhaps this is what He would want. This did give her pause and she said it was a good point (she said it in a thoughtful type of way).
She could though make the argument that since I am not a "practicing" Christian, I can't hear God (over the sin/Satan/loud noise of the world), but she didn't think to mention that one. :laugh:
Mom also is a literal translator of the Bible, and HER Bible (NIV version), says that "homosexuality" is a sin, but it doesn't say anything about transgender individuals, so it does stump her. ha.
I appreciate the discussion, Susan. I am actually going to write those verses down, so I have them for future conversations (perhaps with my sister!).
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 24, 2014, 04:59:13 AM
Plus, I wouldn't have to "dress up" if I spent thanksgiving with her...
But you don't have to, you are an adult, and while you may live at home, they do not have control over every aspect of your life. You said they would not kick you out for not dressing up as a girl, so why consider doing it if you feel safe? Are they literally going to hold you down and force female clothes on you if you refuse to wear them? At this point, I would stop trying to talk to your mom about transitioning because you've told her and you are obviously not getting through to her. Don't give in to dressing up. Actions speak louder than words. If you dress up she's going to take it as a sign that you are not really serious about transitioning if she can sway you so easily. Just keep moving forward in your transition and she will see you are serious.
Man I'm sorry, thats really frustrating!
If it were me, I would get dressed in a suit and make it look awesome, and then go talk to them about how THIS is how you like to feel, and to dress up for special occasions. It might drive the point home.
Good luck and stay cool with them.
-Bear
I get annoyed with your parents just hearing what you say..
Anyway, if they ever demand you to wear a dress, just tell your dad to do the same. If he says no you can just say; So I don't have to either.
Bunch of difficult/annoying people there.. Hope it all ended alright (not sure when Thanksgiving is, don't have that here o.o).
Quote from: Kirey on November 24, 2014, 02:29:42 PM
I get annoyed with your parents just hearing what you say..
Anyway, if they ever demand you to wear a dress, just tell your dad to do the same. If he says no you can just say; So I don't have to either.
Bunch of difficult/annoying people there.. Hope it all ended alright (not sure when Thanksgiving is, don't have that here o.o).
Thanksgiving is on the 27th lol. And I like that idea >:-)
Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on November 24, 2014, 12:54:28 PM
But you don't have to, you are an adult, and while you may live at home, they do not have control over every aspect of your life. You said they would not kick you out for not dressing up as a girl, so why consider doing it if you feel safe? Are they literally going to hold you down and force female clothes on you if you refuse to wear them? At this point, I would stop trying to talk to your mom about transitioning because you've told her and you are obviously not getting through to her. Don't give in to dressing up. Actions speak louder than words. If you dress up she's going to take it as a sign that you are not really serious about transitioning if she can sway you so easily. Just keep moving forward in your transition and she will see you are serious.
You give very good advice, it's like a slap to the face but in a good way lol.
Quote from: LittleBoyBear on November 24, 2014, 01:21:29 PM
Man I'm sorry, thats really frustrating!
If it were me, I would get dressed in a suit and make it look awesome, and then go talk to them about how THIS is how you like to feel, and to dress up for special occasions. It might drive the point home.
Good luck and stay cool with them.
-Bear
I wish I could but I don't have the money to buy a suit...but I'll stay cool ;)
Quote from: Brett on November 24, 2014, 08:45:34 AM
Blaine - sorry it isn't going the way you hoped. I think going to the other grandmothers and then visiting the frail one on a different day is a good one. The other thing that may be helpful is if you bring your mother into a therapy session. With the therapist there to back you up your mother will have a harder time staying in denial
My therapist actually suggested bringing her too. I'm gonna take her on my third appointment :)
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 24, 2014, 03:15:30 PM
I wish I could but I don't have the money to buy a suit...but I'll stay cool ;)
My therapist actually suggested bringing her too. I'm gonna take her on my third appointment :)
Well, do you have anything sorta nice? A button down shirt and a tie, maybe? (As opposed to confronting them looking "slouchy".) What were you planning on wearing on Thanksgiving?
I have been thinking about bringing a family member to therapy with me. But my mom and sister aren't talking to me. My dad did call and said he wants to talk, so maybe he'll come...
Quote from: LittleBoyBear on November 24, 2014, 05:49:22 PM
Well, do you have anything sorta nice? A button down shirt and a tie, maybe? (As opposed to confronting them looking "slouchy".) What were you planning on wearing on Thanksgiving?
I have been thinking about bringing a family member to therapy with me. But my mom and sister aren't talking to me. My dad did call and said he wants to talk, so maybe he'll come...
I think it would be cool if your dad went with you :) I'm sorry your mom and sister won't talk to you :( I shouldn't be complaining about this, I should be thankful that my parents even accept me.
I found some dressy, masculine black pants to wear and I'm going to wear a button down shirt with it! ;D
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 25, 2014, 06:12:11 AM
I found some dressy, masculine black pants to wear and I'm going to wear a button down shirt with it! ;D
Sounds excellent! :D
Yes! I'm excited cuz I won't wear a skirt! Yay!
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 25, 2014, 06:12:11 AM
I think it would be cool if your dad went with you :) I'm sorry your mom and sister won't talk to you :( I shouldn't be complaining about this, I should be thankful that my parents even accept me.
I found some dressy, masculine black pants to wear and I'm going to wear a button down shirt with it! ;D
Nice! Do you have a tie? If not, they're only a few bucks at thrift stores. You might feel really cool in a tie.
As for complaining, or whatever... We ALL have a serious struggle going on here. For some, its an internal thing. Questioning who they are and doubting, doubting, doubting. For some, its not being able to "pass" or go to work as their prefered gender. For some, its their family/friends. Everyone's struggle is REAL. And they are all the SAME as far as stress levels. I don't sit here and compare.
Good luck on Turkey Day!
-Bear