God so, where do I begin... well, I'm a trans man who is stealth in many areas of life. When I do tell people I'm trans, I'm met with congratulations and amazement. For almost the entirety of my transition up until this point, I held being trans as a point of pride- I tried to help out other trans people, stay informed on news in the community, frequented forums, etc etc. I remember swearing that even when I was able to go stealth I would still stay active in the community, but lately it's been... difficult. As someone who the unsuspecting outside world treats as cisgender male, it feels harder than ever to immerse myself in situations and conversations that drag me back into a time in my life that was harder than any other. I really wish I could get back to being proud of being trans, even though it was out of necessity- now I just feel really, really, REALLY ashamed of myself for disidentifying so much with being transgender and feeling so much shame over something that really shouldn't be shameful. I used to see being trans as a measure of strength and courage, but now I only see it as the last thing separating me from the rest of the world and what I want to be. Have any other stealth people experienced something similar? How do you cope with it?
This is precisely why I said elsewhere that being out is not for everyone. So let it go! If something is causing you undue stress in your life, then let it go, including identifying as trans if you are now basically through your transition.
Elsewhere I pointed out the positive value of public and visible trans role models but it is not necessary for every one of us to be such.
I would only ask that when you encounter transphobia that you let the speaker know you aren't comfortable with that (just like I do with homophobia, racism, ethnicism, etc.).
And finally, you can quietly support trans causes anonymously or through non-public actions such as donations to trans supportive organization, signing petitions, and just generally telling others that transphobic behavior bothers you and you don't want such people in your life. You can also honestly say that you know trans people, that they are not like whatever stereotype is being applied, and you don't appreciate people making fun of your friends.
Quote from: solexander on November 23, 2014, 10:03:42 AM
I remember swearing that even when I was able to go stealth I would still stay active in the community, but lately it's been... difficult.
Honestly, I just don't involve myself in the local "trans" community and never have. I don't feel any need to connect with people simply because we were dealt this same hand in life. I don't deny that I am trans, I just don't see it as being any more important than that I am white or tall. Don't feel bad if you just get on with your life.
QuoteI used to see being trans as a measure of strength and courage, but now I only see it as the last thing separating me from the rest of the world and what I want to be. Have any other stealth people experienced something similar? How do you cope with it?
Simple:
QuoteSo let it go!
.....
Quoteyou can quietly support trans causes anonymously or through non-public actions such as donations to trans supportive organization, signing petitions, and just generally telling others that transphobic behavior bothers you and you don't want such people in your life. You can also honestly say that you know trans people, that they are not like whatever stereotype is being applied, and you don't appreciate people making fun of your friends.
And finally....
QuoteDon't feel bad if you just get on with your life.
I agree. Defend trans folk when a situation arises, help where you can, but trans after all is short for transitioning, moving from one state of being to another. Once you have achieved transition, honestly, you are now your true gender. Live your genuine life.
I sincerely feel that if we get stuck in the in betweens we are getting distracted from the goal. We get caught up in all the emotions and maybe fall back into old patterns, just the things we have been actively seeking to shed. And yes I realize this is a broad spectrum of individuals. But moving on once you feel right in your own skin is, after all, the goal for most of us. I am a man, yes my body wasn't right before, now it is. End of story. Life begin again.
I have been stealth for about 3 years now. I go to University studying engineering and also work full time as an intern. Even some of my very close friends don't know I am trans. I understand what you are saying. There are some days where I struggle a lot because I feel like I am hiding myself or ashamed of myself. I even sometimes feel like "I'm not one of them" when referring to other trans people I have met. It also causes me to feel guilty. But overall I feel so immersed in the "cis" "straight" world that sometimes I just forget about it. There are definitely times where I get depressed or something happens in my life where I wish I could talk to my close friends about, but usually I am okay and I think I live a pretty good life. I have been debating lately to come out to some of my close friends and maybe be more active in the trans community, but I also feel that we shouldn't feel this guilt. It might be because a lot of trans people stealth-shame people who chose to live this way. It is perfectly okay to live this way as long as you are mentally okay with it. If you want to talk anytime message me and I'll add you on facebook, I really have been looking for more stealth trans people to talk to. I have no trans friends in "real life". Only on the internet occasionally I talk to people.
Mike, I think what you and Solexander are experiencing is a form of survivors guilt. You, me, Sole, and I am sure many, many others who have "made it" into that "promised land" that we all dreamt of and worked so hard to achieve, have experienced at one time or another. It usually occurs when we least expect it and for me at least seems to be in those quiet times of reflection when we look around and everything is good. Our personal life is finally at peace.
I think it is good to feel this way, but "outing" yourself will change all that and most likely, not for the better. As has has been mentioned before on this thread and others, there is a great deal that you can do to help people along the way without endangering or possibly destroying what you have worked and suffered so much for to achieve.
Don't feel guilty for living your life the way you always hoped you could live. You don't owe other transgenders anything. That might sounds really harsh but the good to help and/or stand up for other people is something you have to do when it feels right. Not because you feel you have to.
Just do what feels right ^^.
Our family members have a penchance for causes. For example my brother started the LGBT movement in my City state, at that time the laws demanded a lifetime sentence for buggery. Discovering that I was TS made me think if i should continue, what so many family members have done for causes that are dear to them. I decided that I did not want to take this route and stayed in the closet - quietly supporting the TG cause. I have done this quietly and quite successfully. There are great emotional pressures in being an advocate. You are the point person for anger, and hate but others others turn to for encouragement. We can all play our parts to bring awareness and fufill our inner needs. I remember the pressure on my brother and fully understand your prediciment. Relax let it naturally takes its course.