Every time I talk to someone close to me, they're like, "it could be a phase". I know why they're saying that. I'm not stupid, I know you can't undo top surgery or undo telling people you are trans. My loved ones are eiither pointing it out because they think I don't know it's something I can't undo, or because they want me to stay a girl.
I feel so awkward around my mom now. She literally just told me she wanted me to "stay her little girl." It doesn't help my transitioning if she's trying to guilt me into staying a female. She's not the only one either. My best friend (practically like my sister) says she'll love me no matter what but said that I could be going through a phase....
WHY WON'T PEOPLE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY???????
It's starting to build up inside me....they're all making me unsure of my decision when I had been sure a week ago. It's really frustrating! They all make me feel insecure about myself and my decision. I just don't know anymore!!!!
Just ignore them, cut off contact with your friend if you have to, or at least allow only the minimalist of contact with her. Once your transition gets going they will see it's not a phase and that you are serious. Don't let people sway you so easily. Don't confuse what they want you to be like or what they want for you with what you are actually like and what you actually want for yourself. I know it's hard, I myself have a very religious mother who at times made me doubt myself, but it's 4 years later, I live on my own, am well into transition, and no one tells me it's just a phase anymore (though no one really did but my mother), but you can do it.
We've all been there. Maybe you could write a letter to them both about how unhappy you are and a detailed plan on how to start therapy, hrt etc. They make take you more seriously then. Good luck. Just remember that YOU are trans because YOU say so.
Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on November 24, 2014, 12:58:09 PM
Just ignore them, cut off contact with your friend if you have to, or at least allow only the minimalist of contact with her. Once your transition gets going they will see it's not a phase and that you are serious. Don't let people sway you so easily. Don't confuse what they want you to be like or what they want for you with what you are actually like and what you actually want for yourself. I know it's hard, I myself have a very religious mother who at times made me doubt myself, but it's 4 years later, I live on my own, am well into transition, and no one tells me it's just a phase anymore (though no one really did but my mother), but you can do it.
Yeah! You're right! I shouldn't let their opinions get to me. I am the one who says what I am, not them
And thanks Elis
Bounce the ball back at them every-time they are being rude with a question. Just as the Thanksgiving thread. She always wants you to be her little girl? What if you were born a boy, psychically, (don't add that when talking to her, the more you add the more she will probably shove it aside), would she then constantly have bugged you that she always wanted a daughter?
How long ago have you started talking about transitioning? Are you on T? This is normal... Depending on how your life as a girl was it is normal for people to wonder or to not completely believe. Or even believe, but your mom has lived with you as a girl for over what? 2 decades? It's not so easy letting go... To your parents it feels like they're losing a daughter to get a son, and it's hard for them to let go of the girl they love...
My mom had a tough time also... In the beginning when she saw me as a girl she'd cry and say she wanted her "son" back... It is a moment when they're grieving, they don't wanna let that go. But it wasn't in a mean way, it was her truly feeling like she was losing her son. If you are strong minded and decided about it and you take your steps, they'll see it. They will only fully believe this isn't a phase when you're on T for some months, are feeling happier, and don't show any signs of regrets... Most parents will be in some sort of denial, they're not trans... They have a limitation as to what they can understand. And also, there are feelings involved, so it's harder to be completely rational.
And your friend, she might just think you're a tomboyish girl... My best friend wasn't sure and didn't believe much I was trans when I first told her. She told me to think about it, to be sure before I just had a dramatic change in my life that'd not make me happier. Depending on how well she knows about how you felt your entire life, she might not understand you... Once I told my friend I've been actively thinking about it for 2 years,was going to my therapist for almost 1 and was about to start hormones she realized it was serious...
Relax, some people just don't know... It bugs us but rather to understand their lack of knowledge and understanding, and try to educate them or give them time to see how decided you are about it all... Don't let them being unsure make you unsure ;)
You've got to stop caring so much about what people think. Everybody is going to have an opinion about your transition, even people you don't know. You can't get caught up in these things. It is your life.
Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on November 24, 2014, 12:58:09 PM
Just ignore them, cut off contact with your friend if you have to, or at least allow only the minimalist of contact with her. Once your transition gets going they will see it's not a phase and that you are serious. Don't let people sway you so easily. Don't confuse what they want you to be like or what they want for you with what you are actually like and what you actually want for yourself. I know it's hard, I myself have a very religious mother who at times made me doubt myself, but it's 4 years later, I live on my own, am well into transition, and no one tells me it's just a phase anymore (though no one really did but my mother), but you can do it.
^ I agree with this. You're going to have to learn how to filter out their opinions where it is "agree to disagree", if it has to come to that. The thing I wold like to emphasize though, is that even if they are making you seem unsure, DO NOT let them know ANY hint of that, because if you do, that will make them thing that you are wishy washy and that you don't know what you want, so it would likely lead them to believe that it is a phase. Just be strong. Actions speak louder than words.
My mom is pretty much the same. Eventually, in exasperation, I straight up told her, ''LISTEN! This is new to you, but you keep forgetting it's not new to me. I started seriously, rigorously thinking about this five years ago. It feels like I'm rushing this because I let my identity gel BEFORE I came to you. I'm not at the beginning of this process, and if this is a phase, it's a pretty long one!"
And actually.... that helped. I think she'd forgotten, and that she was projecting the novelty of it all onto me pretty hard. Maybe your mom needs the reminder too?
Don't let what anyone says make you question yourself. YOU are the only one who knows what you feel, knows the truth, and the medical/social decisions that come with being trans. That's all that matters. Someone suggested to ignore these people, but you don't have to do that. Keep them close and be open to them especially your good friend, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with she thinks. Even your own mother. You can't ignore your mama anyways. As for your friend, she said she'll love you no matter what and if she didn't mean that then she wouldn't have bothered to say it. She means well, whether it seems like it or not. Keep your friends and family close cause you're gonna need their support when they come around. For now, just keep doing your thing and be bold about it. Show them this is where your happiness is.. being the man you are. Don't tell em, show them just like your song lyrics say. Stay trill bro.
Quote from: BlaineGame on November 24, 2014, 12:43:08 PM
Every time I talk to someone close to me, they're like, "it could be a phase". I know why they're saying that. I'm not stupid, I know you can't undo top surgery or undo telling people you are trans. My loved ones are eiither pointing it out because they think I don't know it's something I can't undo, or because they want me to stay a girl.
I feel so awkward around my mom now. She literally just told me she wanted me to "stay her little girl." It doesn't help my transitioning if she's trying to guilt me into staying a female. She's not the only one either. My best friend (practically like my sister) says she'll love me no matter what but said that I could be going through a phase....
WHY WON'T PEOPLE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY???????
It's starting to build up inside me....they're all making me unsure of my decision when I had been sure a week ago. It's really frustrating! They all make me feel insecure about myself and my decision. I just don't know anymore!!!!
sometimes we just have to accept that others will have a hard time with our decisions bro. The only people who will really entirely understand us is those highley educated i the subject or those who have had the same experiences as we have, and not everyone can just snuggle up to the fact that things will and are changing. Its gonna be hard for other people to let go of there image of you, how the viewed you before, and put you under a new masculine light that is foriegn to them. It will take time, just hang tough and dont let it get to you too much. you know who you are and how you feel, dont let others push insecurities on you that you dont need.
Hey Blaine,
I understand the frustration. I think that giving people some time can help. And I'm learning with my husband at the moment that "some time" can be significantly longer than what I imagined. At the same time you need to look after yourself. So people who constantly question you and your decision may have to be shut out, at least for a while.
I think many of us ask ourselves at some point if "this" is "just" a phase. I don't know, but with those friends you're still willing to discuss this, maybe you can explain to them that you did ask yourself this question initially, but the answer is NO. Ask them how they know what their gender is. And if they tell you they know because they take a look in the mirror every morning, then it's time for them to educate themselves. (I recommend Sam Killerman's book on gender ;)).
I get that some people who love us and cannot understand -- because they're cis -- are worried for us. But this can be very hurtful, because they're basically questioning if we're really capable of making such a life-changing decision. I wish people would understand that.
Sorry, I'm rambling. More coffee is in order :D
I agree with what adrian said. Sometimes I don't understand why people here are so quick to suggest cutting off all people don't immediately accept what you tell them. This stuff takes time, it takes time for us who think through it all day, and probably takes lots of effort for others who get this sudden surprise when we come out to them to just process what you're saying and think about what it really means. If it takes some of us many years to even make sense of what we feel, how can we expect others to just understand right away? Just give it time.
I actually found what ChaoticTribe said to be useful, but even more so the quote King Malachite mentioned. A therapist I saw (that I'm not sure I'd want to see again) told me about how he firmly believed in two years of therapy before starting HRT, just so any issues can be cleared out and the person has lots of time to think things through before taking any medical steps. He told me that the people who'd taken those 2 years ended up with much better results (mental health-wise) and that he'd seen many people that rushed through things that ended up very unhappy. I think 2 years is too damn long honestly, but I guess I can see where he's coming from.
Wow, I go to bed early only to wake up and find that I have tons of replies in this topic...neat! Love all the advice!
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 24, 2014, 10:13:21 PM
Topic is re opened.
No personal attacks will be allowed under term of Service #5.
Thank you.
Did I miss something or was it deleted? Hopefully I wasn't the cause of the topic being locked :(
Quote from: Kirey on November 24, 2014, 02:32:04 PM
Bounce the ball back at them every-time they are being rude with a question. Just as the Thanksgiving thread. She always wants you to be her little girl? What if you were born a boy, psychically, (don't add that when talking to her, the more you add the more she will probably shove it aside), would she then constantly have bugged you that she always wanted a daughter?
You've got a good point
Quote from: gabimoneratt on November 24, 2014, 03:18:26 PM
How long ago have you started talking about transitioning? Are you on T? This is normal... Depending on how your life as a girl was it is normal for people to wonder or to not completely believe. Or even believe, but your mom has lived with you as a girl for over what? 2 decades? It's not so easy letting go... To your parents it feels like they're losing a daughter to get a son, and it's hard for them to let go of the girl they love...
My mom had a tough time also... In the beginning when she saw me as a girl she'd cry and say she wanted her "son" back... It is a moment when they're grieving, they don't wanna let that go. But it wasn't in a mean way, it was her truly feeling like she was losing her son. If you are strong minded and decided about it and you take your steps, they'll see it. They will only fully believe this isn't a phase when you're on T for some months, are feeling happier, and don't show any signs of regrets... Most parents will be in some sort of denial, they're not trans... They have a limitation as to what they can understand. And also, there are feelings involved, so it's harder to be completely rational.
And your friend, she might just think you're a tomboyish girl... My best friend wasn't sure and didn't believe much I was trans when I first told her. She told me to think about it, to be sure before I just had a dramatic change in my life that'd not make me happier. Depending on how well she knows about how you felt your entire life, she might not understand you... Once I told my friend I've been actively thinking about it for 2 years,was going to my therapist for almost 1 and was about to start hormones she realized it was serious...
Relax, some people just don't know... It bugs us but rather to understand their lack of knowledge and understanding, and try to educate them or give them time to see how decided you are about it all... Don't let them being unsure make you unsure ;)
Love this advice, thank you! I'm taking it all slow, all I did was wear more masculine clothes and my mom started freaking out...I've been dealing with hating my female parts since I was 13 but didn't consider myself I was trans until August of this year...so I guess I haven't been thinking of the trans part long but I have been hating my female parts for years.
Quote from: ftmax on November 24, 2014, 03:27:53 PM
You've got to stop caring so much about what people think. Everybody is going to have an opinion about your transition, even people you don't know. You can't get caught up in these things. It is your life.
I know, I've always had trouble with people's opinions. It's part of the reason I'm going to therapy. I'm trying not to let their thoughts control me but it can be hard if it's the people you are closest to
Quote from: King Malachite on November 24, 2014, 04:11:20 PM
^ I agree with this. You're going to have to learn how to filter out their opinions where it is "agree to disagree", if it has to come to that. The thing I wold like to emphasize though, is that even if they are making you seem unsure, DO NOT let them know ANY hint of that, because if you do, that will make them thing that you are wishy washy and that you don't know what you want, so it would likely lead them to believe that it is a phase. Just be strong. Actions speak louder than words.
That is true, actions do speak louder than words...I will try to use actions more instead of my words lol
Quote from: captains on November 24, 2014, 05:14:39 PM
My mom is pretty much the same. Eventually, in exasperation, I straight up told her, ''LISTEN! This is new to you, but you keep forgetting it's not new to me. I started seriously, rigorously thinking about this five years ago. It feels like I'm rushing this because I let my identity gel BEFORE I came to you. I'm not at the beginning of this process, and if this is a phase, it's a pretty long one!"
And actually.... that helped. I think she'd forgotten, and that she was projecting the novelty of it all onto me pretty hard. Maybe your mom needs the reminder too?
Good point! I have told my mom that "if it's a phase, it's a long one" but she just keeps saying "continue therapy"...
Quote from: alexclusive on November 24, 2014, 05:41:26 PM
Keep them close and be open to them especially your good friend, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with she thinks. Even your own mother. You can't ignore your mama anyways. As for your friend, she said she'll love you no matter what and if she didn't mean that then she wouldn't have bothered to say it. She means well, whether it seems like it or not. Keep your friends and family close cause you're gonna need their support when they come around. For now, just keep doing your thing and be bold about it. Show them this is where your happiness is.. being the man you are. Don't tell em, show them just like your song lyrics say. Stay trill bro.
Best advice ever! I voted this up because this was exactly what I needed to hear (I just didn't realize it until I read it). I feel a bit stupid lol especially since it's in my song lyrics ;D
Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on November 24, 2014, 08:19:32 PM
Here's the thing though, doubts are a completely normal part of life. If people didn't act on anything they had even the smallest amount of doubt about doing, they would get nowhere, nothing would ever get done by anyone, ever. Doubt is normal and healthy. Doubt doesn't mean what you are about to do or thinking about doing is wrong.
Had to vote this up. It's true that doubts are part of life and are completely normal. But that doesn't mean I have to act on them ASAP. I may just sit back and see where this all goes.
Quote from: Orangaline on November 24, 2014, 08:23:21 PM
sometimes we just have to accept that others will have a hard time with our decisions bro. The only people who will really entirely understand us is those highley educated i the subject or those who have had the same experiences as we have, and not everyone can just snuggle up to the fact that things will and are changing. Its gonna be hard for other people to let go of there image of you, how the viewed you before, and put you under a new masculine light that is foriegn to them. It will take time, just hang tough and dont let it get to you too much. you know who you are and how you feel, dont let others push insecurities on you that you dont need.
Thank you Oragaline. I appreciate your words and thoughts on this.
Quote from: King Malachite on November 24, 2014, 11:42:17 PM
The moral of the story: please know who you are before you get into transitioning. When you are not firm in you who know yourself to be, then people may take the liberty to define who you are. Again, doubts are normal, but you can't let doubts control your life. Heck even I doubt from time to time, but I know that I'm trans, and I need to do x, y, and z to feel as complete as I can in this body. If you know you are trans and that you can't see living the rest of your life as a female, then take the steps you need to take to feel fully happy, whole, alive, and complete. Transitioning isn't a race. Work at your own pace. If you feel that the doubts you have are too big, then take a step back and reevaluate yourself. There is no shame in doing that as transitioning isn't for everyone. In fact, I did that after reading ChaoticTribe's posts, but again, if you KNOW this is who you are supposed to be for a fact, then do not let other people's opinions get to you. If you let THEIR doubt influence you greatly enough to the point where you don't transition, then you may look back 20 years from now and kick yourself in the forehead for letting others people's views and opinions dictate how you live.
I do believe ChaoticTribe is well-meaning, and I hope she doesn't find offense to what I just posted. I'm sorry that you had to go through that experience, ChaoticTribe, and I do agree with you. We all should think carefully before we take any steps that could add unnecessary stress to our lives.
Very true. The only steps I have taken aren't permanent. If I ever do anything permanent, it will probably happen a few years down the road.
Quote from: adrian on November 25, 2014, 12:49:19 AM
Hey Blaine,
I understand the frustration. I think that giving people some time can help. And I'm learning with my husband at the moment that "some time" can be significantly longer than what I imagined. At the same time you need to look after yourself. So people who constantly question you and your decision may have to be shut out, at least for a while.
I think many of us ask ourselves at some point if "this" is "just" a phase. I don't know, but with those friends you're still willing to discuss this, maybe you can explain to them that you did ask yourself this question initially, but the answer is NO. Ask them how they know what their gender is. And if they tell you they know because they take a look in the mirror every morning, then it's time for them to educate themselves. (I recommend Sam Killerman's book on gender ;)).
I get that some people who love us and cannot understand -- because they're cis -- are worried for us. But this can be very hurtful, because they're basically questioning if we're really capable of making such a life-changing decision. I wish people would understand that.
Sorry, I'm rambling. More coffee is in order :D
I will definitely look up Sam Killerman's book! I love the bold part btw :D
Quote from: darkblade on November 25, 2014, 01:59:17 AM
I agree with what adrian said. Sometimes I don't understand why people here are so quick to suggest cutting off all people don't immediately accept what you tell them. This stuff takes time, it takes time for us who think through it all day, and probably takes lots of effort for others who get this sudden surprise when we come out to them to just process what you're saying and think about what it really means. If it takes some of us many years to even make sense of what we feel, how can we expect others to just understand right away? Just give it time.
I actually found what ChaoticTribe said to be useful, but even more so the quote King Malachite mentioned. A therapist I saw (that I'm not sure I'd want to see again) told me about how he firmly believed in two years of therapy before starting HRT, just so any issues can be cleared out and the person has lots of time to think things through before taking any medical steps. He told me that the people who'd taken those 2 years ended up with much better results (mental health-wise) and that he'd seen many people that rushed through things that ended up very unhappy. I think 2 years is too damn long honestly, but I guess I can see where he's coming from.
Quote from: darkblade on November 25, 2014, 01:59:17 AM
I agree with what adrian said. Sometimes I don't understand why people here are so quick to suggest cutting off all people don't immediately accept what you tell them. This stuff takes time, it takes time for us who think through it all day, and probably takes lots of effort for others who get this sudden surprise when we come out to them to just process what you're saying and think about what it really means. If it takes some of us many years to even make sense of what we feel, how can we expect others to just understand right away? Just give it time.
I actually found what ChaoticTribe said to be useful, but even more so the quote King Malachite mentioned. A therapist I saw (that I'm not sure I'd want to see again) told me about how he firmly believed in two years of therapy before starting HRT, just so any issues can be cleared out and the person has lots of time to think things through before taking any medical steps. He told me that the people who'd taken those 2 years ended up with much better results (mental health-wise) and that he'd seen many people that rushed through things that ended up very unhappy. I think 2 years is too damn long honestly, but I guess I can see where he's coming from.
Yeah, I'm waiting 3+ years before doing anything permanent. The bold part is so true!
Thank you all for your insight. Had no idea I'd get this many responses!
The book I mentioned is available from http://www.guidetogender.com. It's a free e-book. I found it quite a good gender 101.
Ooh! Thank you! I'm a bit excited to read it lol
Edited:
I got it! I'm about to read it now
I love how you took the time to write a reply to each comment :)
Quote from: darkblade on November 25, 2014, 12:32:21 PM
I love how you took the time to write a reply to each comment :)
Haha thanks! I had a lot of time on my hands this morning ;)
I have removed ChaoticTribe's posts and those that quoted them from this thread. I also issued ChaoticTribe a 55% warning which moderates all of their postings. This was the text of the warning.
QuoteThis is the policy you are to operate under in your future posting.
"I don't want anyone pushing anyone in any direction. We are here to provide information and not to tell others what they need to do in and with their lives. We are each responsible for making our own choices in life, so make good ones."
If you post your situation again in an attempt to engender doubts in others, and I will ban you in a blink of an eye. That includes suggesting it's just a phase. Posting that others should take a lesson from your individual situation is also unacceptable.
Saying if they have doubts perhaps they should discuss them with their therapist is perfectly fine.
You have been warned.
To clarify the warning ChaoticTribe has been posting their story on other people's threads in an attempt to persuade them that perhaps the same applies in that individuals situation. No one can say that but the person or that person's therapist. We are not doctors, we don't make medical recommendations or judgements for others.
ChaoticTribe is free to start a discussion on doubt, but hijacking other people's threads for that purpose is unacceptable. That being said, while they are free to discuss their situation, they cannot then apply, or suggest that their personal situation applies to others.
We can tell someone this is what the process is, and recommend they consult with a medical professional; but saying you need to do this or that is unacceptable. It's a liability issue, and the site's position on that is not going to change.
Thank you for clarifying Susan :) At first I thought I did something wrong when I saw that one of my posts was deleted....but knowing the cause of it makes me feel less worried