I'm 19 and been living as female for my entire life.
The feeling of being trapped in a body where I don't belong began when I hit puberty. I couldn't understand what was wrong, even though I would often catch myself wishing I was male.
This transitioned into the need for perfection. I developed an eating disorder and began to self harm.
When highschool started, I still didn't feel confortable and the desire to be male kept growing.
Through out the years, I played the role of the cute girl, I'm 5ft tall, have gentle features and a high voice. I'm not overly girly, although I dress as a girl but have always been drawn to guys clothing.
I'm a theatre student now and I have already worked in the top two theatre companies of my country.
I had to cut my hair for a play but now, looking in the mirror, the boy in me is more visible than ever.
Recently, I bought a shirt from the men's department, put it on, brought my shoulders foward so my breasts weren't visible and looked in the mirror. I cried for hours.
I believe I might be transgender.
I'm truly scared of loosing my career
I'm scared of not being accepted.
If I transition, I'll be hurting my parents and loose the rest of my family.
I have no one to speak to, I've kept it hiden for so long, I feel like I'm suffocating.
I'm considering continuing living as a girl, even though I know it's possible that I might end up cutting my wrists in a few years.
I know it sounds horrible but part of me prefers it that way.
I'm in a similar boat as you. I'm MTF and I tried being a boy when I was younger and denied I was transgender to myself for years, even after I read up online, asked questions on yahoo answers, etc, I was so terrified that I tried harder to become a boy. It failed.
I look androgynous (at least I think so), I am slim, have a high pitch voice and I have a baby face, so I'm lucky (or unlucky) there.
Anyway, you should do what I'm going to do. I'm going on holidays to my friends house in another state (She is 60 years old and I am 21, but we are best friends!).
Because I know absolutely know one in that area she agreed to help me put on makeup and help me dress up. It'll be the first time I will ever go out dressed as a girl. Because the last few times I tried, I had a panic attack and never even left my room.
I won't sugar coat this, but you will probably lose many friends and depending on the kind of family you have, some to most. But if you live in a country like Australia than you should be safe. I told my boss my situation and she fully supports the LGBT community and even went as far as to let me use the girls toilets if I wanted to. (I declined unless I looked like a girl first, and she was fine with that).
I'm not saying your boss will agree with it, but he/she can't discriminate against you, and certainly they cannot fire you for it.
I've been taking baby steps and I suggest you do the same, you don't even have to tell anyone right now. I pretend I'm a "pretty boy" and you could pretend to be a "Tom boy" for the time being.
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You are not alone. I have been struggling with the same thing myself. I have cut my hair short and started dressing in men's clothing and it has made me feel so liberated and so much more like myself than I ever had before. It is scary - but you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You need to be true to yourself. I am considering going to see a therapist to help me work through these issues - it is too tough to go it alone.
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There are a few here that should have information to help. At some point in your life you need to live for your life. Getting a gender therapist can help you work on coming out if thats your path. Are you happy living in fear?
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Hey there :) I know that self discovery can be a scary thing at first especially when you're coming to grips with something as big as this. We have a lot in common. I also have been dealing with an ED and self-harm, so I totally understand not liking yourself turning into perfectionism.
I agree with other posters on a lot of their points--first of all I think that therapy could be very important for you especially considering your other mental health issues. Plus being trans is a hard thing to grapple with sometimes.
About your other concerns...XiaoMei is absolutely right, it is against the law to discriminate against an employee on the basis of gender identity/sexual orientation in most states.
No matter who you are or what your story is, there are always going to be those who simply won't accept you for one reason or another. I've found that you just kind of have to shake it off. There's a quote by Dr. Seuss that goes something like, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." It's true. While no one can guarantee that you will be met with 100% acceptance by everyone, those who care about you may be shocked at first but will ultimately love you regardless of your choices or lifestyle.
This leads into your next worry that transitioning would hurt your parents. This was one of my chief concerns at first as well. But then I guess I realized that my wants and needs matter just as much as theirs. Remember--sometimes you gotta put yourself first.
I still strongly recommend exploring the issue with a therapist or other mental health professional. It sounds like you could benefit from it.
Please stay safe and just remember that you matter a lot. Good luck with everything :)
Hey, there!
First of all, hugs! Try to take a deep breath, ok? I agree, acknowledging the possibility that I was trans was a really, really scary thing. I suppressed this knowledge for decades, but it wanted out at some point. So here I am. And while this is scary, I also experience finally being able to say "I am trans" to myself as extremely liberating.
Make sure you take one step at a time. What helps me is to think of it like this: strictly speaking, being trans means only this: I'm trans -- nothing more and nothing less. This in itself isn't a scary thing in my opinion. What makes it seem scary are the implications and consequences it has, and which my mind keeps jumping to. All the "what ifs" and the "what on earth am I doings". Try to put these out of your mind for a while from time to time while you are still getting used to the thought of being trans.
And on top of this, we're here for your support! :)
Hugs!
You'll find a lot of people around here who have suffered through a lot of what you describe. Don't be afraid to come here and express yourself. Look through the boards. You said you're leaning toward a male identity so please come around the FTM board. We're all friendly and we are happy to offer whatever support we can.
I was like you in some regards. I struggled with my identity for years, up to the point that I had that final thought. I remember looking in the mirror one day and thinking I would rather be a dead woman than a living one. I had the razor in my hand and everything. It was the most terrifying moment of my life.
No one can tell you who you are. Everything you are and the person you are is what you feel. Please don't be afraid to acknowledge that.
I thought I would never be accepted for I am for years. I was surprised by what I found. I have wonderful friends, a fantastic husband and amazing family. I have been ignored by a few people in my inner circle, but the support has far outweighed the hate.
I'll say it again: keep coming here. This site has been a rock for me and you would be surprised to hear how many people understand what you are feeling.
I know how you feel. I was the same way (but without the eating disorder and self harm).
I felt weird in my own body. I couldn't figure out why, but it did hit me around puberty as well. It wasn't until August 2014 that I realized why I felt so weird and why I cringed whenever a girl talked about her chest. It was because I was trans.
When I tried on male clothes, I felt like I had found the missing piece in my life.
I wouldn't ignore the feelings you have if you are unhappy in your own skin...Maybe when you move out you can transition...
Hey,
I don't have much more to add here, but I think the theater world is pretty okay with the trans community. The only other trans person in my college is a theater major :)
Don't keep things bottled up though! Talking to people helps a lot.
Firstly my apologizes for entering a subject I can't fully understand.
But I just can't stand reading that and just stand still...
Wish I could hug you and make your pain go away...
For every ending there's a new beginning and right now you're facing the ending of your life long denial. You must drop the stone you've been carrying all along in your heart. Right now you shall not worry with what comes next... You'll be dealing with it at your own pace, at the right time.
My best wishes