Hi all,
Just wondering what support systems everyone had before transitioning. I had some friends and a few places online but people have left and schedule changes have interfered lately as well. Basically, what I would like to know is whether anyone here has had difficulty going it alone? It was OK at first but has gotten harder lately and curious as to what people have done to get past this until a new support system has come into place. I know I can seek help online and it does help but there is something about real life support that cannot be replaced. Just wondering if I should be too concerned or just get used to it? Thanks.
well when i came out, i had my friends, and some online friends, but that was about it. now its the same, but more to the rl friends.
R :police:
I haven't had or needed a huge amount of support. There are two local TG groups, and it was very helpful to meet other TG people of all varieties in person, but the transitioning TSs tend to come and go rather quickly and then you don't see them any more. I guess it depends on you. I needed to see and talk with other people that were doing it before I got that I could do it too. Now that I get it, I don't need to see it any more.
I think I learned more from online sources and from reading books by TSs than from support groups. Having a therapist has been very helpful, and so has the annual regional TG conference, although I am running out of reasons to return.
My main support now (I'm still transitioning) comes from my partner and my church, which is where I met my partner. The church doesn't provide much direct support to LGBT people yet (we are working on that), but it is the kind of place where you can educate people and they are fine with it. We have 2 TS members including myself, and 2 regular TS visitors. I involve myself with the ordinary activites there and that is really all the support I need.
BEFORE transitioning? Hmmm, no one really. My wife totally detached herself emotionally, though she was "supportive" in the sense that she understood it was something I had to do. My parents closed off. My best friend was there for me, but there was only so much he could do - he has a wife and family to worry about. My therapist and I had a bit of an antagonistic relationship in the beginning, lol...
So BEFORE transitioning, I'd say I too went it alone. Except for the wonderful people here of course. But I swear it was as if The World needed to abandon me to My Choice, it knew I HAD to face that part of this totally alone, making it totally my responsibility.
Ironically, once I STARTED transitioning, the world rallied around me. All my coworkers, my wife's family, friends, neighbors... all went out of their way to not only support me, but to PUSH me to keep going, to never give up or give in to my fears.
I honestly believe Joe Campbell got it right: if you follow you bliss, follow your path, the world will start to unfold under your feet and wonderful help will arrive when you least expect it.... but need it the most.
~Kate~
There was no internet when I transitioned. There were a few bulliten boards set up but that was very limited contact. There was this thing called Compuserve which was sortta kinda like the internet which provided a chat resource at 6 dollars per hour so I didn't use that much. I did however manage to find a few people like me who I visited while traveling. It was nothing like the online resources we have now.
In terms of friends and family, I did have a couple of friends who were sympathetic. But I had no one close that I could really go to for a real cry.
I did however have puh lenty anti support from my friends, church, family, and workplace. Management at my workplace actually put in place a plan to convince me to quit or commit suicide! Can you believe that? They almost succeeded in me ending my own life. I did manage to collect my senses and my lawyer volunteered to help me get out of the place with a small settlement.
I moved to California and found the peace that I needed to follow through. That was the best move that I've ever made.
Cindi
I had none. My partner dumped me and my mother tried to convince me to wait until I was retired to transition. My friends weren't close enough after 7 years of a dysfunctional marriage and didn't really know what it entailed anyway. I just took the leap and went for it. Fortunately it all turned out well. Mum's fine, the friends are closer, and the ex is out of my life.
Dennis
been wearin dude's clothes since age 12. my mom & family knew bout me & suported me. cant complain.
I think people vary in their need for support depending on individual situations and circumstances. Emotional support at times can be a life savour and when I first came out I had a great counsellor and hadsome wonderful people at the Samaritans" that just listened to me crying and tallking about the hurt I was going through with my family.
I did one heck of a lot of research before I transitioned and effectively used TG Support groups asa social exercise to get out and talk to other like minded people with the same fears, concerns as I did.
The best thing that happened was I got to know a very wonderful Post op Woman, who befriended me and helped me through some bad times in my life. The benefit she gave me was her experience as the support I needed was in overcoming the fear of the future, not the "how to" part.
Buffy
I have 0% support. Family and friends are such unbelievable everything-phobes, I tell no one. :-\ One day, they'll know.
Quote from: Christine Eryn on August 16, 2007, 01:58:16 AM
I have 0% support. Family and friends are such unbelievable everything-phobes, I tell no one. :-\ One day, they'll know.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble. But you have support here my dear. Sure we are faceless electronic entities... but out here on the other end of the ethersphere is someone who has been where you have been... and wants to reach out to those sisters who follow.
Here... rest your arm in mine. Let's take a walk.
Cindi
The only support I had was that when I told my mom she didn't make me hit the road. And when I told my friends, they thought enough of me not to say anything mean to my face. But pretty much I just did a ton of research on my own on the internet, paid for everything on my own, and in the process racked up some awe-inspiring credit card debt.
About 3 quarters of the way through though, I did start to have really meaningful friendships with a new cast of characters, and they've been the backbone for me to move out of my mom's house, and get my life going in some sort of direction.
But for the most part it was just me and my therapist.
Getting a therapist is probably the best thing I can recommend. I got a counselor who worked based on her patients means. So it was like five dollars a session for me. And really she was a huge huge help.
Thanks for the responses and I can see they are as varied as the needs of people. I am in the middle of the beginning of the beginning of transitioning (started HRT a couple of months ago) and going into this people were on and off and I held on to the on's but lately my support well has dried up. Some due to people having their own lives to live and they are going through crap (which they don't come to me for support like I wish they would but I understand) and others just didn't know how to deal with me anymore or didn't want to (which I must support as well).
I guess I was just curious as to whether anyone had trouble without support at this stage of transitioning but I think I will be fine. I guess I was just nervous. I think I need to increase the frequency of therapist appointments for a little while till I get past this.
Actually, I could use a hug too. I have 0 support. No one to turn to except my dogs. Dogs understand.
I guess that's why I like the thought of a TG colony. We wouldn't all get along but we'd all support each other.
Quote from: TreeFlower on August 16, 2007, 12:32:35 PM
No one to turn to except my dogs. Dogs understand.
As do kitties!
And stuffed animals too. I took
"Stuffed Kitty" (not a very creative name, I know) to bed with me every night for months and just cried into his (plastic) fur...
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on August 16, 2007, 12:35:34 PM
Quote from: TreeFlower on August 16, 2007, 12:32:35 PM
No one to turn to except my dogs. Dogs understand.
As do kitties!
And stuffed animals too. I took "Stuffed Kitty" (not a very creative name, I know) to bed with me every night for months and just cried into his (plastic) fur...
~Kate~
I sleep with Hungry, my stuffed polar bear. His secret name is Ken Bear but don't tell Ken :) Also I put Zoid The Cosmic Pig in my luggage when I had GRS. He makes a great pillow. I held onto him for dear life when I freaked out after surgery. My catheter got twisted & caused incredible cramping. The nurses were useless. I finally caught it but not after I realized how alone I was. Those two guys have caught so many tears.
If any GRS doctors are listening, it would be wonderfull to give us a teddy after surgery. If I had any money I'd donate teddies.
When I learned more about how I felt, it was when I receive my first computer. I only knew of a few people who transitioned, I called them ->-bleeped-<-s at the time. That is what I thought I was. All I heard from some of my older family members was how bad these people were. I knew I was one of them and I wasn't bad. I didn't know there were so many of us around. I thought I was very rare. I got on a couple of chat rooms and a few forums and started learning. I found Susans in the 90's, don't remember when and have been here off an on. This forum has been my main source of support. I went to a support group and that was not support for me, but I was giving support to others. So, you might say that I had no up front support, only from this forum did I get a lot of support. I learned about Espirite <sp> from this forum and went one year. I learned a lot and so did my wife. I found out how to get meds and what I needed to be a woman. My wife learned what I was going through, but it was still a long road for us. I still come here as I'm still learning about different things.
Sheila
Hmmm....I transitioned when there was no internet. I did a lot of research first, spent hours at the library and contacted several organizations like IFGE to obtain the information I was looking for. The first person who provided me with her support was my gender therapist since she had been working with transsexual patients for a long time. When it was time to tell my family, I was naturally very scared and did not know what their reaction was going to be. My youngest sister was the first person I told, then my parents and eventually the rest of my family.
I was very fortunate. My entire family accepted me with open arms and helped me take the first steps to transition. In addition to my family, my boyfriend at that time was also very supportive and helped me through the most difficult moments of my transition. Without them and their support, I honestly don't know what I would have done. :)
tink :icon_chick:
Quote from: TreeFlower on August 16, 2007, 12:32:35 PM
Actually, I could use a hug too. I have 0 support. No one to turn to except my dogs. Dogs understand.
I guess that's why I like the thought of a TG colony. We wouldn't all get along but we'd all support each other.
I agree. Actually I talk to my dogs as we walk every night. They are so sympathetic and seem to understand, and they don't care what gender I walk them as, or what voice I use. They are my only true support. It reminds me of the old prayer: "Lord help me to be the person my dog things I am."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
The first person I told was one of my closest lady friends.
From there, I told mostly all my friends, with the help of said lady friend.
I really didn't tell my family until I had been on HRT for quite a few months.
It's difficult to transition alone. I'd say have one of your friends there for support when you decide to transition or tell your family. Thats what I wish I could've done.
Quote from: Cindi Jones on August 16, 2007, 02:08:48 AM
Quote from: Christine Eryn on August 16, 2007, 01:58:16 AM
I have 0% support. Family and friends are such unbelievable everything-phobes, I tell no one. :-\ One day, they'll know.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble. But you have support here my dear. Sure we are faceless electronic entities... but out here on the other end of the ethersphere is someone who has been where you have been... and wants to reach out to those sisters who follow.
Here... rest your arm in mine. Let's take a walk.
Cindi
Thanks, Cindi. I know there's love and support here for everyone. :) This place has already helped me a great deal. As far as people in person, I have never had the support of my family. In fact, just the opposite. Perhaps one day that will change, maybe I'll tell them during the whole process, they might be 100% accepting, or they may shun me forever, but now that is not a chance I'm willing to take.
My support consisted of Susan's, another forum, my support group, and my therapist. Eventually I made many new friends as well and that helped as well. Over time, I've pretty much dropped using everything except Susan's and my friends.
I have had the STRONG support of my Mom since I was 15. My "transition" was more of a natural realization of the reality that my external gender was completely opposite of my true internal gender. Mom used to describe me as her "gentle boy" and later dropped the boy and would refer to me as her "gentle sweetie". My Mom and I have always enjoyed a close relationship, and it has been her undying support that has always supported me. My sister has also been great. My Dad, although kinda distant in the past, has now come fully around. My extended family is another matter, some are cool, some are not......(but no family is perfect)....
NO support from my family.
NO support from my old friends. (had hardly any friends to begin with)
Essentially nothing from trans support groups. I checked out one, I did not feel it was for me, and I soon quit going.
What I did was, I went out and made TONS of new friends in the Pagan and LGBT communities (especially Pagans), and was soon having my best social life ever. I found there are a lot of very trans-positive people out there who gave me all the support I could wish for. Many people are just wishing for the chance to show support for trans people, if they could find any, and would warmly welcome you with open arms.
You should probably avoid Gardnerian, Asatrú, and Dianic, but in general, Pagans are probably the most promising bunch to find support among, and there are so many varieties, it increases your chances of finding some you like. I found a new spiritual home in Witchcraft (http://www.witchvox.com/), where I got all the support and affirmation I needed.
What if you can't swing Paganism for religious reasons -- For Christians, I think the MCC (http://www.mccchurch.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home) would be a good place to find support. Muslims are pretty much screwed, except that there is a Muslim LGBT support organization called al-Fatiha Foundation (http://www.al-fatiha.org/). I know a Muslim trans lady in Cambridge, Massachusetts who is accepted by the other women at her mosque, maybe she got lucky. For Jews, there exist some LGBT-friendly synagogues (http://www.jewishmosaic.org/page/links#LGBT_Synagogues_Congregations) like Bet Mishpachah and Beth Simchat Torah.
For none-of-the-above folks, there's always Unitarians who are quite good on LGBT issues.
As far as friends and family go, there was almost no support. One thing I never heard from anyone I told was, "Julie, you need to transition!" or be yourself or whatever else you can fill in there. There was a lot of silence and some compassion.
When I decided I had to transition I realized no one was going to give me permission. No one was going to encourage me to do it. No one was even going to suggest it. If I was going to make the decision to transition I was going to do it alone.
A man doing anything to emulate females is a big taboo in this society. A man becoming a woman and (heaven forbid!) having GRS and losing the family jewels is the ultimate taboo. You will never hear anyone who isn't trans tell you this is something you should do. When I finally found inner peace was when I realized this and made the decision to transition.
Julie
no actually, my best friend in the world ever, told me i had to do this, had to keep at it, and be myself, she could see i was the real me, and happy, and she has forced me to keep at it when i was down.
i owe my best friend everything as she owes me for her life. I can see us being friends in 50+ years :) we are like the verticle legs of a triangle, we keep eachother standing.
R :police:
Still transitioning but I have support groups, and I did not lose a single friend. I have an ever expanding circle of friends. I also have great open minded friends.
I have absolutely no support with my family and I broke ties with them recently.
Quote from: Amy T. on August 27, 2007, 03:59:21 PM
Still transitioning but I have support groups, and I did not lose a single friend. I have an ever expanding circle of friends. I also have great open minded friends.
I have absolutely no support with my family and I broke ties with them recently.
I'm in the middle of the process of coming out to my family... no sign of support yet... but I'm taking the position that I have every intention of continuing to participate fully as a member of the family. If they choose to exclude me, it's their choice... and I've resigned myself to the possibility of being cut off by them.
How do you deal with it, Amy? It feels pretty tragic to me but after tons of heartbreak I seem to be getting tougher about it.