I have my appointment for HRT and primary care on Monday. As it draws closer I get more and more anxious, but I also feel down. Mostly I'm worried that they'll tell me something bad about my health and delay me for HRT. Yes, I know I should be patient but I've been trapped in this body for 30+ years and it's really killing me now.
I mean I know the dysphoria comes and goes but lately it is just overwhelming.
Today I have a ton of work to do, house repairs, etc but I just can't do anything. I'm not even dressed up femme now because I wear old clothes as I'm sanding drywall and other stuff that I will get dirty doing.
I talked to my therapist and she said I shouldn't have any problems, and I have been basically motivated to work out hard to get my health under control. I have lost weight and I am keeping the weight off. I feel more energy and I watch what I eat for the most part although admittedly I let myself go for the past couple of days (Thanksgiving, probably my last one presenting male, and possibly the last one together with my wife).
In particular the diabetes is worrying me and I am worried the endo will put my HRT on hold to get that under control first. In all honesty if I have to wait several months for HRT I do not know how I will keep it together. I am hoping I can keep it together. Thankfully I see my health improving as my blood pressure is now consistently under 120/80. I used to be as high as 170/140 a year ago.
Oh and my wife has basically started being all affectionate now. Last week she was talking divorce, now she is just talking...sex? Well we are having it and I must admit it I only do it because I love her, but I feel terrible doing it. Why? First of all it doesn't feel right anymore. I mean I am a woman and I'm doing this? Then when I start to become more feminine she will absolutely start to distance herself again and the cycle of accusations and emotions will come back. But the cool thing is yesterday we were out shopping and I asked if I could buy an outfit for myself. She didn't seem to mind, and we did pick up one for me. Also got a belt for my jeans but she pointed to the men's section... I said, "that's the men's belts. I have plenty of those."
Then there is my presentation and voice. I go out dressed androgynously (jeans and a top) and I actually get a few ma'ams and I get the impression that people are hesitant to gender me. Then I talk and I get "sir" almost instantly... That kills me for the day. I know I need to practice but I have the voice therapist appointment coming up. That's the other thing, it's all getting so darned expensive now! I mean I am able to pay the bills and all but the holidays are here and I would like to save some $ for future transition expenses and not waste it all now.
Oh and my family and friends. I can't take any pictures of myself and show them because I basically look like my avatar 24x7 now. They will know or at the very least they will ask. I have been avoiding them on Skype as well. I don't know if I'm ready to tell mom and dad yet. I guess I will have to soon. Work is already noticing and my boss's assistant commented on my skinny (women's) jeans and asked me if I was taking a selfie with them (I was holding up my iPhone to test wifi on a section of the floor so I could reposition the access point or adjust power.) I am out to a few coworkers and they know the truth but the people I work with can only guess.
Anyway it's been a ride here and I am hoping Monday goes well. Thanks for listening.
A roller coast feels about right to many of us so enjoy the thrills and fun before the terror at the tops hits again. You are admirably engaged in taking control of your situation and it sounds like you have a big step coming up on Monday. Congratulations for managing the hurdles so far. The pace you set is your own and as the roller coast starts to slow down you may realize it is more like a long distance train ride with many stops and waysides to deal with.
I might cautiously recommend you start talking with people you trust about coming out. It takes practice and I cried every time when I first started. You seem keen on managing your health,voice, presentation and dress and you may want some control about coming out too. I found that is is very gossip ready news and people want to share the "guess what" story. If you are the one that tells people at least you have a chance that they will hear the right story, yours!
Good luck Hon
Thanks Tessa. I've told a couple of my close team members because they're literally in my face all day and they would notice first. My manager is going to be told sooner rather than later. I'm planning to do so before Xmas.
No point stressing about it. Just try to relax until the appointment. Easier said than done I know! I remember when I had my appointment with my doc and I was gonna get HRT I couldn't sleep the whole night I was so anxious. Not as bad as one before that though with an NHS doctor. I had told them I sometimes smoked weed and when I turned up there entirely sleep deprived. They thought I was high, of course I had also told them I was borderline insomniac but oh no, can't be that ::)
I just wanted to pop in to give you a hug. Good luck. I hope you get HRT.
My first impression on reading your post, re. your wife, is that she's not "getting it" at all yet. Does she truly understand what it means to be trans? Does she understand that you ARE a girl? I know it took some time to sink in for me when I was told. I mean, I could understand it rationally, but I couldn't "get it" when it applied to *my* partner, and I couldn't handle ANY sign of girliness. Now, I would NEVER ask her to do anything that undermined her femininity, and I ONLY want her to buy girl clothes, cos she's a girl. It just took me some time to understand that.
And I'm not a counsellor, but I guess your partner is wanting sex to have the closeness back between you, cos she still loves you but hasn't quite absorbed that you're trans (and yet part of her has, which is why she talked divorce). Sounds like you really need to have a heart to heart, no matter the outcome. You can't live a lie and play a role you're not meant for. It's your time to shine and be the girl you are.
We have been having tons of heart to hearts and it just devolves into argument. At this point I think she is just trying to enjoy me as a "man" before the point of no return.
Thanks for the hugs :)
You can get through this :) I remember feeling just as anxious as you before starting HRT & thinking the same things about if they hold me off. You'll get through it & it will come a lot quicker than you think. Just work on eating right & getting your diabetes under control so they can deem you healthy enough to start as soon as possible. I'm happy to hear your wife is beginning to accept you n__n Just remember, it will feel like a struggle but when it's all said & done, you'll be living your life as the woman you know you are. Good luck in your transition & stay positive! :)
Well I'm here and in the waiting room. Wish me luck!
Good Luck!!! ;)
Hey Kiddo,
Well it is a roller coaster ride for sure .. but try to enjoy the process and try to be patient. I myself am not a patient person want everything to happen now. Transition is something not many humans do so in a way its really so cool and exciting.. filled with highs and lows. We are becoming our true selves and that is a wonderful thing.
So enjoy the highs and just know when you hit the lows that it will pass.
Also once u start hormones those lows can feel different so be aware that when the emotions hit you on E that in 20 minutes you could feel better. Its part of it and women are more emotional..
You go girl.. enjoy the ride
Keri
Well it's over...
BP was a bit high but it's probably white coat syndrome.
That said, I gave them all my medical records and labs, I explained everything, confessed to all my sins (self medding, suicide attempts) and I walked out with scripts which I go pick up from the pharmacy today. I just had to sign informed consent paperwork.
They are going to adjust my bp meds but also put me on spiro and also on E.
The nurse practitioner is trans and she totally understood everything and checked me over for everything. However, no blood work today since my last one was at the end of September. She said I will do blood on the next visit. I did give them labs from my old GP who dropped me because of insurance issues. No liver issues, cholesterol under control, only the A1C was a concern but I am working on that.
I go back and see them in 2 weeks.
That's great news Kate - enjoy your upcoming E ticket ride :)
The spiro will lower your blood pressure so if you are also taking another BP related medicine watch that your BP doesn't dive into the basement. Symptoms of that happening are dizziness when standing up and general lethargy. My therapist told me that E also lowers blood pressure but I am not quite sure of that.
I am such a dummy.
Now I know why my BP is high today. I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Ugh! I knew there was something off...
The concern about the spiro is noted and she said that they are lowering my other meds and monitoring it with the spiro. I currently take a combo calcium channel blocker and ACE inhibitor.
Thanks for the wishes, Eva! After a brief layover and rebooking I am ready for takeoff. 8)
Congratulations Kate, You go Girl!
Congrats and again good luck ;D
I just picked up the prescriptions at the pharmacy. I could cry now.
That said, everything is covered except the E, I am taking pills now. Insurance says they don't cover and rejected it outright. I might tell them fill the next one at walmart where it's $4 for generic.
Its OK to cry, hell I donno whats wrong with me lately but IM crying LOL
They are mostly tears of JOY and Ive been on E for 7 1/2 months ;D Im NOT the EMO type either...
All the best to you Kate!!!
Yea!! I am so happy for you.. I remember that day fondly.. and I have never missed a dose.. so exciting.. enjoy :)
Keri
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. I just started HRT recently too so I am glad I am now on prescripts. ...On another note, I can relate to the girlfriend situation. I had a gf once upon a time and she is the one who broke things off with me and it was tough on me because I was emotionally attached to her and "the relationship." I don't want to get into my life story about the decisions I made from then on but I am just glad at where I am today. I like the route you have taken and your gf seems open enough with you to pick out an outfit while shopping together. Who knows what will happen between the two of you but anything is possible in the sense that I have a friend who met a gal after her transitioning and coming out and they are now happily married. I don't know what the future holds for me but I hope I attain happiness to with whoever I am with or if I choose to be alone. ...Another subject is my coming out as "gay" many years ago and that was just a first step to shed the cis identity I had with friends and family. Long story short, today, everyone knows I'm not "straight" or I'm "different" but I did loose a lot of CIS male friends from college. YET I AM SMILING! There's a great big world out there and plenty new and awesome people to meet! Hang in there if times get rough. I was suicidal for so many years in the past and I know how that goes. Have a nice day and here is a big hug: XXXXX
Quote from: Eva Marie on December 01, 2014, 11:15:57 AM
The spiro will lower your blood pressure so if you are also taking another BP related medicine watch that your BP doesn't dive into the basement. Symptoms of that happening are dizziness when standing up and general lethargy. My therapist told me that E also lowers blood pressure but I am not quite sure of that.
Speaking of which I bought this spiffy blood pressure monitor to use at home. The reviews give it top billing for accuracy and it's not that expensive either. I like it better than the wrist ones. I have a couple of the cheap wrist ones and they read pretty inconsistently.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F1511193_657605910684_5961597169702371337_n_zps574091cb.jpg&hash=d8616664097888d9b48aa6fb496623333bc1dd77) (http://s1188.photobucket.com/user/rjairam/media/1511193_657605910684_5961597169702371337_n_zps574091cb.jpg.html)
BTW, I had no idea that spiro tastes like mint?
It doesn't. It has a flavoured coating. Don't find out what it tastes like underneath...
Lol now I don't want to
Yea just you wait till you botch a swallow attempt and it sticks in your throat a little on the way down :P
I take the 25 mg tabs and they have no taste. I think the 100s have the taste.